Miranda Kerr’s Estranged Family Will Appear On The ABC Tonight To Beg For Her Homecoming

A full decade after she first skipped out on her curfew, moved to a distant island, became a filthy rich supermodelmarried a movie star and birthed a gigantic style icon, Miranda Kerr’s non-famous family will tonight appear on The ABC’s celebrity Australian Story off-shoot, Family Confidential, to stage a very public fame intervention for the regular country gal to return home to her agrarian roots and, at the very least, pls wb 2 their txt msgs.

Following on from last week’s exposé on the blissful domestic bricolage of The Jackman Clan, The ABC will air the Kerr Family’s bizarre public plea for their daughter’s attention, the passive aggressive glare of which they haven’t felt the uneasy subject of in over a year. Kerr’s mother Therese, father John, brother Matthew and grandmother Ann all lament the absence of Miranda’s  vibes throughout the half hour program, select anecdotes from which include:

Father John saying that Orlando Bloom brokered news of the couples’ divorce, not Miranda; Mother Therese – who last year launched a rival skincare line Divine By Therese Kerr after being dumped as managing director of KORA Organics – revealing that Miranda has lost touch with her true self after being “surrounded by ‘Yes People‘ all the time”; and perhaps most tragically, Granny Ann grieving the lack of face time she gets with nascent 10, Baby FIynn:
“I miss the baby and I think he’s missing out on family, that closeness that we have always had. It’s very nice where they are but nothing like Australia, nothing, and I think hopefully Flynn might end up here. We just keep our fingers crossed.”
Miranda’s parents concur, saying, “What I’d really like to do as a granddad now is teach Flynn how to milk a cow, how to ride a horse, teach him all them country things… our little Flynny doesn’t know what it’s like to walk outside without paparazzi.” 
Publicly airing on television what would seem an otherwise private grievance with a high-profile family member is, with respect, strangely sad and pretty rock bottom. Primarily for reasons of it being unclear as to what exactly the family could hope to achieve, other than a few cursory mentions of Divine By Therese Kerr, who also bills herself as an “author, speaker and visionary”. It’s unimaginable that the family’s thinly-veiled marketing strategy will do much to incur Kerr’s homecoming – to drop her multiple, lucrative endorsement deals just so Flynn can learn ‘all them country things.’
In typical and apt fashion, Kerr was unavailable to comment. A spokeswoman has since issued a statement saying Miranda’s “grateful to her parents, brother and extended family in Australia for their ongoing support and love.” But not their televised attempts to stifle Brand Kerr. 
Classic Miranda.

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris via Getty