In news which feels like entrapment of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ vagina, husband Michael Douglas has said that performing oral sex on his wife gave him throat cancer.
In 2010 it was announced that the Oscar winning actor was diagnosed with stage four throat cancer, an affliction which was near fatal at the time and caused him to undergo intensive radiation and chemotherapy treatment. It was initially believed that the diagnosis was caused by the emotional stress associated with the trial and incarceration of his son Cameron Douglas as well as his lifelong love affair with drinking and smoking. Not so according to Douglas, who ascribes the disease to something else he loves doing: going down on his wife.
The questionable self-diagnosis was given in an interview with The Guardian when the actor was asked whether his brush with cancer caused him to regret drinking and smoking so much:
“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus), which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” he said. “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.”
HPV, the alarmingly common STD all adventurous women do contract per the reliable life advice of Girls, exists in a multitude of states and has been medically proven to cause genital warts, cervical cancer and anal cancer. And though most Doctors now believe HPV type-16 is a “causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer,” London based head and neck surgeon Mahesh Kumar still remains skeptical HPV contracted from oral sex was the sole cause of cancer in Michael Douglas’ case.
In more positive news, Douglas has been cancer free for two years now and attributes much of his recovery to the restorative powers of his wife’s double edged first it giveth then it taketh away vajayjay. “If you have it,” he said of the disease. “Cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”
“Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system,” Kumar said. “But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”
Or maybe it does?
Douglas stars currently in HBO’s Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra.
