27 Supremely Cooked Things That Happened To Me This Mercury Retrograde

I’d like to preface this article by saying that I’m generally a happy, positive person.

I’ve always had a ‘shit happens’ attitude to life and I take everything in my stride and try to look at the bright side, no matter how hard they are to find in a shitty situation.

But during the first Mercury retrograde of the decade, I have experienced an intense amount of bad luck, from fighting with friends to having shit stolen to missing out on a sick international trip, and my way of making myself feel better in this scenario is to channel it into this yarn.

Hey, maybe my misfortune will make you feel about your own.

(Disclaimer: Many of these stories have been watered down due to their scandalous nature and some were just too heavy to put into words. So believe me when I tell you that this period has been fifty shades of FUCKED).

1. Foolishly decided to upgrade my iPhone ‘coz I wanted the Saturn emoji. My phone is now slower than the Nokia brick I owned in the ’00s and meanwhile, I have literally only used that damn emoji once.

2. My microwave exploded (and I suck at cooking so I’m basically living off canned goods like it’s the goddamn apocalypse).

3. My iPhone charger has stopped working.

4. Had the most fucked up sleep of my life and did my back in (this was literally on the first day of retrograde and I’m still in pain).

5. The pain of my back forced me to give up a work trip to New York to interview the A-list cast of a certain film, but that’s not the only reason.

6. When I went to check my passport (which I updated in August last year, despite it being valid ’til 2024, ‘coz it had a tear on the photo page), I noticed there were spots of mould, meaning I needed to get it updated once again, even after spending close to $500 late last year for a new one.

Being a big believer in signs, I took this to mean that I should remain in my bunker at home with my tinfoil hat on.

7. My tote bag was stolen over the weekend, containing my brand spanking new Calvin Klein fragrance, Apple headphones and house keys (which equals a $260 loss). Because I didn’t have house keys all weekend, I had to couch surf, which did wonders for my still-aching back.

8. After recent events (cannot go into detail), my building is now unliveable so I’m apartment hunting, during Merc retro, of all times.

9. Got approved for a place but was forced to turn it down ‘coz A) I refused to sign any documents during this extremely cursed period and B), I discovered I could find a bigger place for the same price. Believe me, the real estate agent was not happy with me at all for turning it down after lodging an application so I’m assuming that all my descendants now have a voodoo curse placed on them.

10. Noticed a bunch of damages to the apartment I’ve been living in for 3+ years so adios $1000 bond.

11. Did the ol’ send the wrong text to the wrong person which is an extremely rookie error considering that stuff is known to happen at this time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off tossing my iPhone into Sydney Harbour (hey, my iPhone charger is busted and my headphones are now in the hands of some hooligan so it’s not like I’ll be needing my extremely slow phone anyway).

12. Accidentally double-tapped a random’s weeks-old pics while Insta stalking. Which way to the Harbour, again?

13. My local supermarket has run out of toilet paper ‘coz of #toiletpapergate so wish me luck with that one (don’t laugh! All of Sydney is in peril and it’s totally because Mercury retrograde’s turned everyone’s brains to fucken’ baby food).

14. Tried to get an urgent Uber on Sunday and not one, not two, but THREE drivers cancelled on me.

15. Found my favourite necklace after losing it in a previous move – a Hamsa symbol that I bought in San Francisco in 2014 – only to lose it once again. Wonderful!

16. Just got my phone bill and it’s the most exxy one I’ve had since this time last year, so I’m putting it down to technology going awry. Good thing my phone is now submerged at the bottom of the ocean so I can’t rack up another insane bill.

17. While my back was still aching, I copped an absolutely heinous throat infection, literally the worst one of my life, that interrupted my sleep for almost two weeks and hurts like hell every time I cough.

18. Made an Instagram post and tagged the wrong brand and both brands definitely saw it.

19. Had tiffs with a couple of folks, including a childhood friend who I’ve now blocked on social media (at least ’til retrograde’s over).

20. My skin broke out for the first time in forever.

21. Ran out of money before the next payday so it’ll be 2-minute noodles for brekky, lunch and dinner, for me. Also, how the fresh FUCK am I gonna pay for the house keys, fragrance and headphones that were stolen, the broken microwave, the damages to my apartment, the exxy phone bill and the water damaged phone I now need to fish out of Sydney Harbour?

22. I have dinner planned at an upscale restaurant with old colleagues on Friday. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle in my own 2 min noodles?

23. Split my favourite boardies.

24. Once again couldn’t get an Uber today as it was pissing down so I was late to work, which was shitty timing as the new Bachelor was announced.

25. Noticed a very suspicious stain on the Buffy tee I’m currently wearing.

26. Noticed a typo in an article I’d written after it had already been published and viewed by thousands of people – how embarrassing.

Hell, there’s probably even typos in this article, but after reading about what I’ve gone through the last few weeks, I’m sure you’ll understand.

27. I’m also certain I’ve left shit off this list, which is also piss poor luck.