‘All About That Bass‘ singer Meghan Trainor is currently trying to drum up publicity for her new EP, The Love Train, and honestly, she should probably give her PR a raise, as this week, she put out what has to be the weirdest, horniest press release of all time, and it’s now all we can think about.
Just why is everyone talking about this document? Well, for one, it vividly describes all the “hot newlywed sex” that Meghan Trainor is having with her husband, Spy Kids star Daryl Sabara, and it includes the phrase “smashing bae’s junk to smithereens” in one of its thirstier moments.
Let’s have a read, shall we? The whole thing begins with a nice little taster of the pure insanity to come:
(February 8, 2019 – Los Angeles, CA) — Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether you’re planning on smashing bae’s junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food, you need some fresh Valentine’s Day bops to get you in the mood for L♡VE. And MEGHAN TRAINOR has got you covered with her new EP, THE LOVE TRAIN [Epic Records.]
You know you want it. And you can freakin’ get it b*tch. On all digital platforms right HERE.
We then get to hear about “the ginger from Spy Kids” and all the sexifying that they’ve been doing:
Meghan’s seducing your ears this V-Day, and you know she knows a thing or two about romance. Unless your phone’s been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love. She took a break from her busy schedule to record some fire tracks in Los Angeles alongside frequent collaborators and producers Andrew Wells [5SOS, Fall Out Boy, Jason Mraz], J KASH (Maroon 5, Charlie Puth, Kesha) and Tyler Johnson [Harry Styles, CAM].
We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having (did you see what we did there?). Which is why you’ll love the banging’ single “All The Ways.” Billboard was wet for “All The Ways,” calling it “another fun, danceable track to fall in love with.” And would Billboard lie to you, girl?
What’s that? Did you want a shoehorned-in reference to wig-snatching? Well, this press release has you covered:
But perhaps the piece de resistance (that’s French for “Wig Snatch”) is “Marry Me,” a romantic acoustic guitar and ukulele-tinged Awww Fest which delivers all the feels (and then more feels). Meghan wrote the song thirty days after meeting Daryl, and it was so good that she walked down the aisle to it. We know, it’s a little bit #Vomworthy, but also, am I chopping onions right now or are those tears rolling down my face? I’m not crying, you’re crying.
And as always, our Grammy-Winning, Diamond Single-having QUEEN didn’t just come to play — she came to slay. She’s serving vocals on the passionate, Celine Dion-esque power ballad “After You.” Plus, Meghan’s serving your insatiable thirst for dance-ready bops with the upbeat banger that is “Foolish.” It slaps so hard you’ll be stanning for days. “As if all the PDA, including foot massages, butterfly kisses and piggy back rides aren’t cringe worthy enough,” says her brother and videographer Ryan… “I’ve got to film it all!”
Honestly, there’s a little vein popping in my forehead now that my actual queen Celine Dion has been dragged into this, but that’s an issue for another day. The press release concludes:
Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board.
Be on the lookout for more surprises very soon as she prepares for a landmark 2019.
Okay, yep, I am actually in love with this very important piece of writing now, and am having the phrase “Choo choo betch!” tattooed on my lower back, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
Thank you, Meghan Trainor, for bringing this true joy into our lives. The Love Train EP is out now.
