Look, I have to say I’ve never been a fan of the Megan Fox/Machine Gun Kelly fandango. Yes, it’s a fandango. It is FAN and DANG and also GO. I don’t believe it’s real, I will never believe it’s real, but I will agree that they are both ridiculously hot people who look ridiculously hot together.
Anyway, the latest horn-town bullshit they’ve thrust upon the eyes of the world is a chaos machine GQ interview. God help Molly Lambert, the writer who had to deal with these two for hours as they traipsed from a studio to some dinner spot to some bar while she followed behind them as they licked each other’s faces (probably).
https://www.instagram.com/p/CU5SU5WJ7PZ/
The interview literally opens with her having to watch them tattoo each other. I would honestly just go full grandma and grab them both by the collars, asking if they really want this whole train wreck inked on their bodies forever. REMEMBER WINO FOREVER. REMEMBER THAT GUY I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH WHO GOT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S NAME TATTOOED ACROSS HIS LOWER BACK THEN THEY BROKE UP.
Anyway, I digress. So you don’t have to scar your own eyes with the full interview (I mean, you can, but you’ll be off your dinner) I’ve done the hard work for you.
A quick disclaimer coz I know some die-hard fans will come for me with this – I’m not slut-shaming. Sex is cool! It’s not something to be ashamed of! Being open about your sexuality? Also cool!
My issue with these two is it’s all sooooooo performative to the point where I don’t believe a single second of it. It’s also not helping anyone to be more open about sex or to get in touch with their sexuality IMO, it’s just making us all feel bad for not having sex while hanging from the ceiling strapped into a dog-washing harness. Lol, never forget this epic review:
ANYWAY. Sorry, I keep getting distracted by my rage, which is being fuelled by PMS and the fifteen red snakes I just ate.
It’s not all bad – there are some good chunks where MGK talks candidly about his upbringing, and working through trauma associated with it, and parts where Megan talks about how she felt like she was always compartmentalised by the industry and people around her.
It’s just that when it’s bad, it’s BAAAAAD. It’s so bad, guys. Let’s go.
1. In the backroom of a studio, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox are giving each other tattoos while I watch.
This is the first sentence of the story and I’m already pissed off. It’s already just so so so “look at me, look at me”, you know? Just do your shit home-job tatts at actual home. Do it at home in your Snuggies for a bit of comfort. It’s not the time.
2. “…our souls, our spirit guides, were luring us away from each other, because you literally had no face…”
This is from this chunk that’s about how they originally met at a GQ party years before they got together, and both say they don’t remember each other’s faces. Megan then muses “Thank God, [because] what torture had I known you were there and I couldn’t get to you. It was better that I didn’t know.”
It’s all just a lotttttttttt of words smooshed together that I don’t understand. Just get his phone number, the end.
3. “I was like, ‘You smell like weed.’ He looked down at me and he was like, ‘I am weed’.”
We all know the “I am weed” guy. Bonus: this chunk continues with “Then, I swear to God, he disappeared like a ninja in a smoke bomb.” All I can picture here is Gob from Arrested Development when he’s making the yacht disappear. I just imagine MGK is like:
4. “She was just like, ‘How are you feeling?’ And I said, ‘I’m lost.’ She said, ‘Well, let’s find you.’ That was the first real conversation we had.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA stop. Just stop. Stop it. Why is this bootleg Twilight now.
5. He sent her a couple of text messages, one that said, “I am weed.”
Oh my GOD stop trying to make “I am weed” happen, it’s not going to happen.
6. “Even our first kiss, she wouldn’t kiss me. We just put our lips right in front of each other and breathed each other’s breath and then she just left.”
This is both deeply not COVID-safe and also did not happen. I won’t believe it. No one does this.
7. For their first real date, MGK picked Fox up in a 1974 Cadillac convertible and they listened to Ella Fitzgerald.
This is probably the worst and most performative part of the whole article – this fucking date, man. I would die – he takes her in the Ella Fitzgerald car up to a canyon where his mate’s made some flower arrangement and picnic and probably got just one case of beer for it, and it was probably the worst beer, and after MGK and Megan Fox go to the roof of the Roxy Theatre on Sunset Boulevard and “played pop punk and made out.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/CU5c5R1POpA/
I CANNOOOOOOOTTTT with all of that, it’s like the dude in Year 11 who uses being stoned as a personality but is actually not even a stoner at all, making a date for the cool ACTUAL stoner girl and he’s just trying way too hard, it just reeks of TRYING you know? And she’s like “sorry I’m gonna call my mum now”. That’s what this entire date is, to me.
8. “This is a very intense relationship,” she says. “Our souls chose this to absolutely have to face our shadow selves.”
So this is from a chunk where they acknowledge that while their relationship has “euphoric highs”, it’s also not perfect, just like us plebs! Except their idea of relationship issues is apparently coming face to face with whatever their “shadow selves” are, and none of it is relatable. They talk about it being “ecstasy and agony”, honestly these two are just cosplaying Twilight fanfic and you cannot tell me otherwise.
9. He tells a story about how they took a trip to Bora Bora…
This fucking story, oh my god.
You know those people on dating apps who respond to the ‘ask me about..’ prompt with “the time I met a Shaman inside a servo in Bangkok and then did LSD and ended up hanging off a cliff in Borneo”? This story is that story.
He says hanging out together always leads them to unexpected places and he tells a story about how they took a trip to Bora Bora that ended up with the two of them taking mushrooms, getting on a boat, and climbing a mountain looking for a sacred Banyan tree they saw on a map, which they found.
See? Told you.
10. I’m still a motherfucking outlaw.
This is just a red flag in a sentence.
