YASS QUEEN. GET. IT.
Finally, we can put that Sam Wood/Parmigiana rubbish
in the bin behind us. We now have the beautiful goddess that is Sam Frost, and the fourteen fellas that are hopefully much better than the never-to-be-forgiven Blake Garvey, who humiliated Sam at the end of the 2014 season of The Bachelor.
To start, (and we aren’t even going to mention the complete adoration with which Osher looked at Sam), let’s do a lil wrap up of each fella, shall we? To measure ’em up and see if they’re worthy.
A suave British bloke who bought Sam flat ballet shoes, just in case her feet get tired in heels. He is a giant teddy bear, and Sam reckons he’s got a heart of gold.
This kid is so nervous. His dad – a massive Bachelor fan apparently – is more than likely watching and yelling at the TV like it’s the footy; “STEP UP YA FUCKEN’ GAME, SON!” But Davey got a little too cocky, and accidentally insinuated that he’s a serial dater.
“And yes… I AM an international model” is one of the first things that came out of David’s mouth. His other cracking quote of the evening was, “Sometimes I feel like I think too much… but I don’t.” Sam is unimpressed that he is only interested in talking about being a model, because she is a smart woman. Also, *vom*.
One of his first comments was about rose petals on the bed… Excuse you?! Hold ya bloody horses mate. But he redeemed himself; Sam’s hearty laugh at his origami (if you could call it that) rose truly warmed the heartstrings. Sash was the first to get a rose (while the other blokes watched from the window yelling ‘HASHTAG DEVO’, for some reason).
This guy brought A FUCKING OWL. A cutey little hoot hoot friend, to give him a helping hand, awwwww. Sam yelled, “WHERE’D IT COME FROM, HOGWARTS?!” and then her super adorable laugh just went from 0 – 100, into ‘snort’ territory. Amazing.
He brought Sam a Frosty Fruit to eat. Does he not realise that that lippie is a crucial element in Sam’s immaculate makeup? Frozen dessrts ain’t gonna win ya a rose, mate.
He rolled in on skateboard, wearing jeans and a floral shirt. Then he disappeared for the rest of the episode, pretty much.
DAVE THE PLUMBER (There’s 3 ‘David’s’. Bloody hell, casting agency.)
He referred to Sam as ‘a cracking sort’. Loves his family heaps. Sam seems pretty chuffed on him.
Adorable from the moment he started pulling faces in the car. Despite telling Sam he wearing ‘a baby seal’ (huh?), and that he wrote her ‘a ditty’ (ugh), Sam says he ‘loved’ him. When the other fellas are watching him play his aforementioned ditty, they are legitimately concerned that he is on drugs, which is valid.
Frontrunner from the start. The suaveness practically dripped off of him and he was bordering on ranting about how wonderful Sam is. But she wasn’t listening to a word he said; she was thinking about those profesh football player abs that are hiding underneath his suit. (She went on to say that he was really honest and lovely, so we guess it wasn’t just about the abs.)
Calls Sam a ‘10/10 stunna‘, and immediately commented on Sam’s change of hair colour – can’t go wrong with that which she seemed to appreciate.
Someone how we managed to completely miss Kieran, Luke, and Tony. Sorry Kieran, Luke and Tony. Where were you? Step up yo game, lads.
Now that we’ve watched 45 minutes of this show, we’ve realised that British Alex might have a point about the Aussie dialect: “If you’re chattin’ to a broad and ya best mate does too, you’d be devo aye”.
Each bloke got his first one-on-one with Sam, and the fellas made a pact not to interrupt each other during private conversations, because of the fabled ‘bro code’. Each man stated that their alpha male tendencies will kick in if the ‘bro code’ is broken, and glassing was mentioned for some bizarre reason. Sadly, model David decided that the other guys were ‘a bunch of pussies’, and his modelling career (did you guys know he was a model?) needed a boost, so he interrupted Sam’s convo with Dave the Plumber. ET TU, BRUTE.
During the rose ceremony, our girl disappointed the entire country by not booting Davey the nervous serial dater, and David, who is an international model and only speaks only of modelling as a model with the modelmodelskdjnfkshbdf *brain explodes*.
Instead, she decided that skateboarding, jeans-wearing Shane, and one of the dudes that we don’t remember ever seeing, Tony, were a little too bung for her liking. IN THE BIN.
Lastly, to whoever stated that you could ‘see her fragility’ while she made her introduction speech? Mate, get ya hand off it – Sam Frost is a complete and utter ~bad bitch~. She wouldn’t’ve bounced back from last year’s tragedy and be standing there in front of you if she was a fragile person.
This girl IS the real deal, gents. She is a national treasure. If you hurt you; ya’ll got us to answer to.