It would not be a proper MasterChef finals week without an appearance from Gordon Ramsay to bookend the season out. After old mate was jetted across the globe to kick proceedings off at the start of the season, the subsequent pandemic shutdown meant he could only appear via video in last night’s Mystery Box challenge. But the benefit there was that we were introduced to the most intriguing character of all: Gordon Ramsay’s Fridge.

Ramsay’s Fridge is a mysterious bastard. Its contents possess no rhyme or reason. Everything inside exists in complete opposition to one another. A motley crew of assorted liquids and, almost as if it was staged that way, the exact ingredients that went into last night’s Mystery Box challenge.

Some of the things possess obvious superiority to others. So because there’s precious little time remaining to write about MasterChef, here is your official Power Ranking of every item inside Gordon Ramsay’s truly batshit insane fridge. Enjoy responsibly.

21) Branston Pickle

Looks like a big tub of British Bullshit to me.

20) Apple & Mango Juice

Apple & Mango is one of those flavour combinations that only works when you’re high as shit and pointing at colours in a Boost Juice. Spew-worthy flavour combination in all other scenarios. Yuck. Grotty. Fuck it off.

19) Empty Bottles & Lucozade

No human being has willingly consumed a Lucozade since 1965. What the hell do you need that for, you old bitch? Added vitality before a 17-hour shift at the Rivet Factory?

18) Rhubarb

Rhubarb is sour hate sticks who only exist to remind the English about how truly miserable it is to live in England.

17) Half-Full Orange Juice

Finish it, coward.

16) Strawberry Classic

Whatever it is it apparently cost £1.39, which is around $2.50. To me, that’s entirely too much.

15) Middle Shelf

Fuck the middle shelf, man. Who needs it. There’s not an honourable thing about stuff that’s on the middle shelf. It’s for afterthoughts and old sauce. Horrible shelf full of golden bullshit if you ask me.

14) Scallops

My considered take on scallops is that they are the tongue of the shell, and when you eat them it means you have made out with the shell. I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, and I refuse to look any further.

13) Soft Drink (Various)

The only people allowed to have that many cans of Diet Coke on-hand at any one time are 56-year-old divorcees named Rhonda. Anyone else stockpiling that many silver bullets should be on the No Fly list.

12) Mystery Box

What does it contain! What magic and intrigue lies within! What secrets is it hiding! What great conceit is it concealing! What fanciful world does it unlock! What power does it harbour! What mystical energy does it radiate! What wisdom doth it bequeath its holder!

11) Bream

It’s a dead fish on a plate. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s not anything. It’s as neutral as you can possibly get. Dead fish. Plate. True neutral.

10) Strawberries

Not gonna lie, those are pretty good strawberries. They’re big and red and have the green bits on top. If I saw those strawberries in a shop I would have to say “damn, those are nice strawberries.” The kind of strawberries that command a half-second of passing respect before you decide against buying them in favour of a Sara Lee mixed berry frozen cheesecake.

9) 42 Bottles of Evian Water

I have so many questions about the water. Why are there so many bottles of water in Gordon Ramsay’s fridge? Why are they in bottles of vastly differing size? Why are all the labels facing outwards? Does Gordon Ramsay have a very specific Evian sponsorship deal? Why specifically 42 bottles of the stuff? Are his fucken taps broken or nah?

Too many bottles of water, in my opinion. 30 should be the limit.

8) Cheese

All English cheese is musty and designed for characters in a Dickens novel to carry in a knapsack with a half loaf of stale bread that’s had one cartoonishly large bite taken out of it. I won’t be convinced otherwise on this. Cheese is cheese, but. So it’s still good and worthy of a top ten place.

7) Wine Bottles (Assorted)

Coupla bottles of top quality plonk in there. Would’ve been higher but the maniac hasn’t even bothered to put in a fridge wine rack or nothing. They’re just rolling around free in there. He’s got a whole shelf just for wine and yet he’s free-balling his bottles like a sicko. What the fuck, Gordo. Get it together man.

6) Top Shelf

Top Shelf is King. Whatever goes on the top shelf is the good shit. No slumming it in the bottom shelf for this lot. It’s got its own closed-in cooler box and everything. That’s gonna last. Whatever it is in the top shelf, man, that’s gonna be there for a while. Crisp as the day you got it, too. Long lasting, powerful gear in the top shelf. That’s how you know the product is respected. Top shelf for a pro. Everything else gotta go.

5) Beers

You bloody beauty, coupla ice cold frothies in the crisper there. Coupla froth dogs. A few Froth Whitlams. A bloody Denzel Frothington or two. A fucken David Lee Froth to get indaya. A rock solid Eli Froth. A handful of Stone Cold Steve Frothstins. A hearty Beef Strogenfroth. A few Schooey Schooey Moi Mois. A bloody Macauley Cold One or three. A few Oprah Tinfreys. A big drawer of David Hasselfroths. You ripper, Gordo. You sick kent.

4) Bowl

Fuck that’s a good bowl. That is a tip-top, fine upstanding bowl. You’d entrust your life to that bowl. Mix all kinds of shit up in there. Toss a big salad together. Marinate some meat overnight. Whip up a batch of weekend pancakes. Eat an entire box of Sultana Bran out of that bad boy. Chuck some movie night popcorn in there. Sit it next to the bed and do a big spew in it after a big one. Play it like a bongo during said big one. Anything at all, really. A bloody great bowl.

3) Fancy Wine

Quick maths:

  • Wine in box = Cheap, bad.
  • Wine in bottle = Respectable.
  • Wine in bottle in box = Rich guy shit.

Someone who is good at the economy please help me solve this. My family is dying.

2) Pimm’s

Pimm’s is the only good thing the English have ever contributed to the world, beyond heavy metal. Pimm’s is the summertime truth. It is dirt juice for scumbags with fancy taste. A big jug of Pimm’s and lemonade in a jug with a harvest’s worth of fruit smashed into it? There’s no better way to spend a summer’s day than to smash that down and pass judgment on peasants.

1) Cabbage

Look at this glorious round boy. A big lump of a lad. Fuck I love this cabbage. That’s a glorious leafy bastard right there. Perfectly round and crisp as shit. Imagine dropping the knife through that magnificent sonofabitch. The crack of each leaf as the blade passes through it clean as a whistle. Shredding into crunchy little whispers. There’s 4-5 whole meals in that one cabbage. It’s built to last. I have never been more in awe of a single cabbage before. This is the Cabbage King. The one to lead all other cabbages to the promised land.

You can’t tell me anything else in Gordon Ramsay’s bullshit fridge tops this guy. You cannot possibly do it.