Meanwhile, the orgasmic sounds that are coming out of the Judges mouths as the series wears on are getting extremely visceral. Keep your eyes peeled in the finale for subtle pants changes mid-episode.
AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
SECOND LAST EPISODE. SEMI-FINALS. THE PENULTIMATE PRESSURE TEST. This is it folks, over the top.
With three remaining – but only two spots to fill for the Grand Final – the pressure is well and truly on for Jessica, Billie, and Georgia. If you hadn’t grasped that fact by now, by the end of the episode you’ll have had it drilled into your skulls about a thousand times over.
The Final Three were told what tonight’s challenge was going to be at the end of the last episode, giving them “all weekend” to think, plan, tinker, shit themselves, curl into the foetal position and cackle softly as they rock back and forth. We get the first of what I assume will be many season’s-end in-house preparation montages where the contestants talk about their journey and growth. Every single one of these features the women putting on makeup. What did they have planned for Reynold if he made it through? Shots of him shirtless doing pull-ups? A foggy morning run in a grey sleeveless hoodie? Meditation with an old Grand Master atop a snowy peak? Stereotyping might be faster, but come on dudes. There’s ways of showing off the three tough-as-shit babes you’ve got left without being lazy.
Although speaking of the getting-ready montages, Jessica is shown pottering about the MasterChef House whilst wearing a shirt from LA punk band The Bronx, which both explains so much about her culinary palate and ensures I now want no one else to win but her. And if she does get into the final two and DOESN’T look at her opponent and shout “YOU MOTHERFUCKER I WANT YOUR BLOOOOOOOOOOD” then this entire season will have been for naught.
We’ve done away with ELIMINATION BLACK for the series, even though one person will be eliminated. In regular white aprons the Final Three enter the MasterChef Kitchen to the full applause of the rest of the Top 25, who are up on the gantry to watch. And that is where they will stay for the duration of service, for they have not earned the right to dine on food this fine.
The returning Gary – fresh from his bout with what I can only assume was dysentery – reiterates the challenge to the contestants: Two courses each, for twenty people. It’s a task so mammoth they’ve had to bring back Shannon Bennett. Even though it’s not a blind tasting by the Judges.
George informs the Final Three that, ultimately, they’ll be judging the dishes on what he calls the “Most important criteria of the MasterChef kitchen: Deliciousness.” Tastiness, yumminess, and scrumptiousness are all out the door today. And if any of them were thinking about creating a dish that maximises delectability, they can bloody well forget it.
The four hour cook kicks off and Billie and Georgia immediately dive into a piece of paper, scribbling notes frantically like a pair of giant nerds, whilst Jessica powers straight into the pantry like she’s a bad enough dude to rescue the President. George worries about Jessica not writing down notes onto paper, but she powers ahead anyway. Like I told every Uni lecturer I ever had – just because I’m not jotting things down doesn’t mean I’m not remembering. This isn’t MasterNoteTaker, it’s MasterChef.
Georgia really wants to put something onto a plate that screams “I’m a Queensland girl.” A cold XXXX tinnie with a slab of grilled Barramundi served in a Maroons scarf should do the trick.
But her ambition is potentially getting the better of her here, whereas Billie and Jessica are keeping things reasonably in check for the main, Georgia’s got about 12 different elements planned and is already in way over her heard. Right on bloody cue, Anxious Georgia appears.
The difference between Anxious Georgia in the kitchen and Anxious Georgia on the gantry is that the gantry version can just pace back and forth for a bit and looked worried. The kitchen incarnation? She makes a mess of a dead thing, and cries out in frustration every ten seconds.
Meanwhile, Jessica begins working on her dessert, which is set to feature grapefruit and popcorn – apparently in the same mouthful. To compliment this, she begins constructing some domes made out of white chocolate. Meanwhile, on the gantry…
Matthew worries aloud about Jessica’s choice of flavours: “That doesn’t sound right to me.” That’s probably why you’re up there and she’s down there, m8.
After a mild struggle, a jar lid is opened, causing the eliminated contestants to burst into rapturous applause. Either the horrors of the outside world have sent them all completely mad, or they’re just straight-up taking the piss now.
Billie is cooking like an absolute woman possessed, and has managed to put together some lamb shanks that practically fall off the bone, leading to many watering mouths within the kitchen – and presumably at home as well. Meanwhile, in between drooling, I again delve into Connery-accent territory and say the phrase “SHANKS FOR NOTHING” out loud so many times (each punctuated by my own laughter) that my housemate leaves the room. Suck it, Trebek.
But whilst she was busy cooking up this boner lamb, Billie has completely forgotten to check on her rhubarb in the oven, which has now baked down into a sticky mess. The rhubarb is FUBAR.
Meanwhile, back up on the gantry, Sara is shouting down encouragement like she’s playing the Coach in a sports movie and we’re about to enter the third act. I would not be at all surprised if there’s an Any Given Sunday–like “Cooking is a Game of Inches” speech sitting on the floor of the MasterChef editing suite.
The general running theme of the day here is “Georgia is always behind,” and so Shannon has been yelling at her for pretty much the entire episode. At one point she exasperatedly fires back “I’m coming!” to which Shannon replies “So’s Christmas.” Sorry, Matthew. You just got knocked off your Dad mantle.
Jessica busts out the smoking device – which, come on now, is basically just a kitchen bong. There’s no sense trying to pretend it’s anything but. And with her cone well and truly packed, she begins the process of dutching up some yoghurt. 420 braise it.
At this point diners begin pouring into the makeshift restaurant in the kitchen, and Georgia’s anxiety immediately doubles.
The Hungry, Hungry Judges address the crowd, stating “There is not a better table in Australia.” Although truth be told I think they might have been referring to their own table, which is front and centre and will feature them sitting at it. A special gold Diner’s Club, if you will.
With service beginning, Shannon’s voice trebles in volume and his shouts of “come on!” increase in frequency tenfold. Meanwhile the people eating the food from this kitchen are sitting *literally* a handful of metres away and can see and hear everything he’s doing and saying. I shudder to think of the Zomato reviews.
Georgia’s billion-element main is taking forever to put together. Which is made worse by an in-kitchen talking head YOU LITERALLY DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DO THIS, GEORGIA.
Jessica pops her white chocolate domes out of the freezer. Meanwhile, on the gantry…
The Judges tasting the food quickly turns into the biggest stiffy parade you’re ever likely to see on the show. Jessica‘s pork sends Gary into raptures. Billie‘s lamb puts Preston into orbit. And Georgia‘s trout – when it eventually arrives – just about brings George to completion.
Shannon asks the Final Three “How long till dessert, guys?” and Billie pops a champagne bottle, in what is easily the best sight gag of the series.
The desserts are a slightly different matter. Billie‘s theatrical “spider” dish turns the Judges into giddy schoolboys, which just about perfectly explains why later George can only mutter “I’ve got creamy, I’ve got icy, I’ve got crunchy” about Georgia’s dessert like he walked off the set of Play School ten seconds prior.
But like all things, MasterChef is a show about learning. And today we learned that – much like blue & green – popcorn & grapefruit should never be seen. The prevailing gelatine in Jessica‘s dish catches them all off guard – the literally were not ready for that jelly – and the white chocolate shell isn’t enough to save her.
Meanwhile, on the gantry…
And it’s that ultimate misstep in deliciousness – which is the MOST IMPORTANT – that’s enough to end Jessica Arnott‘s time in the MasterChef kitchen, meaning your final two Billie McKay and Georgia Barnes, and that my abilities with bookmaking are absolutely shocking.
Jessica is gutted that she came all this way to not make it to the final two. But, hey. Someone’s gotta stay in the Lunar Module while Armstrong and Aldrin prance about on the Moon.
And, hey. If she does open up that cheese and booze bar she’s been talking about all series, it’s a matter of when – not if – a fair whack of my earnings will be poured over that counter. My money. Take all of it.
TONIGHT: IT’S THE FINAL, YOU GUYS. Billie vs Georgia! Bitchin’ in the Kitchen! For the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship of the World! And also, HESTON‘s BACK! What maniacal concoction will he have thought up for these two amateur cooks to replicate? How many boxes of the periodic table will they have to tick off? And what on EARTH are we all going to do with our lives from tomorrow onwards?
Are you ready?
