The Masked Singer Australia is what I see in the corner of my room in the midst of sleep paralysis. It is simply unhinged. I can’t even decide if I like it or not, because on one hand there’s Lindsay Lohan expertly bullshitting her way through the show. And on the other, there’s Brett Lee shoved in a parrot suit reminding me that he was once in a very real Aussie romcom.
But what I do really like about the show is the guessing. Lindsay and Dave Hughes obviously don’t give a single shit, and Dannii Minogue and Jackie O do (I think). So in the spirit of both sides, here is a very well thought out and not at all bullshit analysis of who the Masked Singers really are. Christ, that took ages to segue. Sorry.
[jwplayer Wuw8HwZt]
Prawn
Ol’ mate Prawn’s super confident. As he says, “It doesn’t take much for me to come out of my shell.” AhhHAHAHha pun. Prawn says the big stage is where he feels most comfortable. There were references to a soccer ball, NFL, and performing on stage in Aus, the US, and UK.
Also, don’t put Prawn in a cocktail because “that’s so 1970s”. I do not know what this means.
Solid singer, I say. Extremely daggy dance moves, though.
Prawn just ripped the shell off of #MaskedSingerAU. Who do you think is under that eyepatch? pic.twitter.com/TBfBddFeKA
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
The judges reckon that Prawn is either Danny Cipriani, Jamie Oliver (???????????????????????????????????), Ed Sheeran, or Brian McFadden.
I honestly do not know who Prawn is. I’m gonna circle back to this when I’m done.
UPDATE: Ronan goddamn Keating.
Alien
It’s Nikki Webster.
Set phasers to stun as Alien just knocked us all out with that performance! Any guesses for who’s under there? #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/Vp0qGsi8e1
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
The judges think Nikki too, Bindi Irwin, Angus Young, or Samantha Jade.
Again, it’s Nikki Webster.
NEXT.
Octopus
CONFESSION TIME: I did not watch Big Brother when I was a wee tadpole so when Gretel Killeen pulled off her mask, I did a big Lindsay Lohan at the TV. In other words, “HUH? WHO? HWAT?” And then I Googled Gretel Killeen and mourned my lack of Australian culture. ANYWAY, that’s Occy done and dusted.
SPOILER ALERT: Our first ever #MaskedSingerAU was just revealed! Unmasking #OctopusMask in 3…2…1! pic.twitter.com/HRmdSvdYcr
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
Robot
Growing up, Robot was surrounded by Gold – the Gold Coast. And when Robot was a baby robot, he liked butterflies. Robot also likes to pick rubbish off beaches and chuck them into bags with “UN” on it. Robot also sounds like a pro-singer.
Talk about switched on! What do you reckon of that silky smooth rendition from Robot? #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/5RTylRoQ1g
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
Did you know that Cody Simpson would’ve been a swimmer if he wasn’t a singer? And that he was very good at – oh would you look at that – butterfly. Also, in 2017, the United Nations Development Programme named Cody its first-ever Ocean Advocate.
The robot is Cody Simpson. I will eat my bony ass if it isn’t.
The judges – I don’t know why – guessed Usher (Lindsay, honestly), Troye Sivan, Matt Corby, and Conrad Sewell.
Oh dear, I’m getting invested now.
Unicorn
Alrighty-roo, Unicorn is rare and mysterious (hence the costume). Born of legends with bloodlines going back ages = famous family, probably. Unicorn’s super social, witnessed many miracles in their time, and spreads joy all over the world.
“Unicorns do not believe in taking shortcuts” though… so probably not a reality TV star.
RT if you now believe in Unicorns! #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/2vuolgsaHG
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
Judges reckon LaToya Jackson (appeared on the US version), Deni Hynes, Chris Lilley (fucking hell, Lindsay), and Kelly Osbourne.
I do actually reckon the unicorn’s Deni. It does make sense. Going off her Insta, she’s currently playing gigs across Asia so…
Wolf
Wolf is “up all night” and reckons he’s often “misjudged” by the public. Also, he’s “been an apprentice a couple of times.” I don’t know what that means. I also don’t know what it means to have pictures of Kylie Minogue and Holly Valance in your bedroom. Neighbours, maybe. Also, singing is not Wolf’s first trade but Wolfie still gave a fab performance.
Awooooo! What a final performance for the night from The Wolf! What possibly big, possibly bad celeb is under that snout? #MaskedSingerAU? pic.twitter.com/D4b7as7pc7
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 23, 2019
Punters reckon Wolf is Rob Mills but I dunno. Hasn’t he always been a singer? And I feel like Rob would’ve… sung… a little better. SORRY MILLSY, IF IT IS YOU.
Although, he does have an album called ‘Up All Night’ so that’s interesting. And Ten has been teasing Wolf’s good as hell performance of “Shallow” for ages now so maybe it is Rob Mills.
Okay, I’m going with Rob Mills. ONYA MILLSY.
Judges think Barry Hall, Keith Urban, Blair McDonough, or Jason Donovan.
NEXT.
Dragon
Dragon is “the brute” and living in a “timeless and slowly changing” world… so probably AFL. There’s a lot of power in what Dragon does, dunno what that means. Dragon also went on about “the ancient gifts” of the dragons and how the mythical creatures were there before anyone, or some shit like that.
Dragon actually gives a pretty decent performance, not gonna lie. And his voice was not at all what I was expecting.
BOMBS AWAY, Dragon is gunning for the #MaskedSingerAU gold with this performance. Can you recognise that voice? pic.twitter.com/TvNUqPquQM
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 24, 2019
Okay, so it’s probably some sort of sporty person – something I know nothing about so I’m going to politely pass on this one.
For what it’s worth the judges thought Dragon was Sam Newman (no.), Lewis Hamilton, Ernie Dingo, or Grant Denyer.
Monster
Monster is a Horse Girl. Also, she lives in two worlds. Monster’s been dealing with a lot of horse shit – literally shown in her clue video – since she was a baby monster. I reckon that means she’s been working from a young age. Something along those lines, which does not narrow down my choices at all.
Monster also works in a lab sometimes.
Some fancy footwork from Monster here. (Admittedly it is the only part they can move but… shhh). #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/epcVisI3s5
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 24, 2019
Monster’s got a fab voice.
The judges think she’s Deni Hines, Kelly Rowland, Miley Cyrus, or Miranda Tapsell.
All I know is that Monster is adorable… and I think it’s Gorgi Coghlan. She’s been super suss on The Project recently. And she froths horses. AND, she has a Bachelor of Science. So I mean, it fits. AND AND AND, she can sing.
Parrot
Ah yes, Brett Lee.
We are absolutely BOWLED OVER by this reveal. Who guessed @BrettLee_58 was squawking under there? #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/gLgQzyl3br
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 24, 2019
Spider
First off, Spider’s costume is straight up FIRE.
Spider loves to write, and her words have gone all over the world. She learned all she knows from Daddy Long Legs – who has a moustache and a pipe – and said she’s been loved and shat on in the media.
There’s no clip of Spider singing unfortunately so here are the clues.
Don’t get caught out in a web of lies, Spider’s clues may just trip you up. Spot anything here our panel missed? #MaskedSingerAU pic.twitter.com/N274uBXV14
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 24, 2019
Spider is a singer, no doubt about it. I just don’t know which one and that bugs me. I feel like I should know.
[Cuts to Kate Miller-Heidke]
Stop saying I’m the fucking spider on the masked singer. It’s obviously Anthony Callea
— Kate Miller-Heidke (@kmillerheidke) September 25, 2019
Okay, so it’s Anthony Callea.
Judges reckon Amy Sheppard, La Toya Jackson, Sia, or Willow Smith.
Rhino
Rhino was once on top of the animal kingdom but fell from grace, he’s hopped from one job to another, and has settled down a lot from his rockstar days. Rhino said he was an “almost extinct species”. But now he’s back and better than ever.
Rhino gave Ezra‘s “Shotgun” his best shot and it was actually a pretty decent performance. By the way, Brendan Fevola froths that song. Just an observation.
I can’t find Rhino’s performance on Masked Singer‘s Twitter so instead here’s Fev bopping along to Shotgun.
https://twitter.com/Leonsjogren/status/1176447858150531072
Judges reckon Russell Crowe, Wendell Sailor, Danny Green, or Fev.
Lion
In Lion’s world, you’ve got to be fierce. Lion referenced a big island and said she entered a life-changing competition when she was young, which brought her closer to her “idols” – possibly Australian Idol.
We’ve got HIGH HOPES for how this Lion is gonna go on #MaskedSingerAU after that insane performance! Who owns such a voice? pic.twitter.com/piBxalrUCR
— The Masked Singer Australia (@maskedsinger_au) September 24, 2019
Lion’s 100% a singer.
Judges reckon Casey Donovan, Vanessa Amorosi, Mark Holden (sigh), or… Julia Gillard. I think either Kate Ceberano or maybe Casey.
And that’s it! That’s all 12 masked singers.
To conclude, because I like to go full circle:
HOOLEY FUCKING DOOLEY.
The Masked Singer continues Monday 7.30pm on Channel 10.
