Thank sweet baby cheeses we are done with Intimacy Week on Married At First Sight, everyone!! Get it outta here! I never want to see those serviced apartments again! I have claustrophobia!!!

It’s time for a spicy dinner party. That’s more like it – nothing I love more than putting all these big personalities into one room, adding a bottle of bubbly and watching them fight. It’s beautiful stuff. Poetry, even.

We run headlong into the sex stuff out of the gates, with Natasha and Mikey having done the deed. Bonetown, reached. They joke about it lasting ten seconds, and Mikey says their new goal is to make sure their relationship doesn’t turn into just friends with benefits.

did you feel relaxed knowing five cameras were waiting outside our door babe

Steve and Mishel are still in a tiff. Mishel has put on her soothing whale sounds and plans to wear them for the rest of this season.

sucked in producers i used superglue

But then Steve walks in wearing his party boardies and Mishel forgives him, because party boardies always indicate someone is a spicy enchilada underneath a stoic exterior.

these watermelon dazzlers.

Everyone gets prepped for their second dinner party. Michael tells the camera that dinner parties are great for blowing off steam. I do not think that is what the dinner parties are for. I sense Michael is itching to cause chaos.

Amanda wants no drama, just a fun, nice night. Yeah dream on mate. The drama immediately sparks up because Amanda wants to walk in solo. She also apparently wants to moonlight as a member of Hells Angels.

live fast die young bad girls do it well

Mikey meanwhile went out about bought Natasha congratulatory sex flowers. Like a 17-year-old boy who just devirginised his girlfriend!

thank you for my sex flowers

Natasha does a bang-up job of pretending she’s thrilled by the sex flowers, so she can crack 100k Instagram followers in a few weeks time.

must beat Connie & Jonnie for cuteness

No one can be cuter than Connie & Jonnie.

Meanwhile extremely obsessed with this Shania Twain x Professor Umbridge mash up on old mate Mishel.

go totally crazy, forget I’m a lady

They’re the first to arrive, followed quickly by Aleks and Ivan. Ivan’s keen-to-bev energy is a real vibe, he’s all “I’m gonna do the wines tonight, ohhh maybe the bubbly, yeah the bubbly”. He is me before a night that ends with vomiting outside the preschool down the road from my house.

can I troubly you for some bubbly hahahaha i’m here all week

Connie & JonEthEn show up, and Ivan gives him shit for his velour red suit jacket. Jonnie makes a joke about doing a magic show later that lands like a stone – no one gets this guy, it was a great joke.

i get you Jonnie

You can 100% tell Intimacy Week was Wise Master John’s idea, because he jizzes over Hayley and David turning up together holding hands.

MMMFFF.
MMFFFFFFFTTTTT.
I FUCKEN DID IT

Amanda walks in like a leather popsicle. Hayley immediately zeroes in on her wanting the tea, then starts lecturing Amanda on how to fix a broken relationship because, did you know, she is the expert at this after her three days of peace with David?

it’s me Esther Perel

John tells us that the dinner party is a time where it’s important for couples to compare notes on each other’s relationships. Sure, Jan.

The reality is that the loved-up couples gloat about their relationships to the shit couples.

ohhh, you’re not boning? I feel so sad for you

Hayley has properly lost it and thinks she’s on par with Wise John. She genuinely thinks she’s Esther Perel. She’s going around to everyone and schooling them on crisis management, telling Connie her mantra is “let it go”, and “there’s no relationship in I, there’s only us”. Wot.

you should listen to my hit podcast

The experts say vague stuff when Vanessa and Chris walk in, because no one has any fucking idea who Vanessa and Chris are. I don’t even remember their wedding?

I’m coining Stacey and Michael The Smunts. They are so gloaty about their relationship, I’ve passed out from gloat. They’re on-purpose stirring shit up, like labelling people like Natasha as fake. It’s gross – your relationship isn’t even GOOD, for fuck’s sake. He bought you a BLOOD CAKE as an apology.

Smunts reporting for duty

Everyone sits down to eat dinner and talk shit about each other. The first drama is Amanda talking to Chris/Vanessa (who) about Tash when Tash is sitting right next to her. Tash gets snappy, Amanda gets snappy back – CAN THEY JUST LEAVE THE SHOW I’M SO BORED.

The Smunts meanwhile are honing in on Steve and Mishel. Michael starts baiting him and Steve is taking it.

married at first sight
I’m feeling stabby and there’s a fork here Michael

Steve’s jimmies have been firmly rustled by Michael, but instead of him just snapping and storming off like I think Michael hoped, Steve tries to flip it onto Michael! He starts talking about the Buck’s party, saying Michael made some comments he found “concerning”. OH SHIT. THE POT STIRRER HAS BECOME THE STIRRED POT.

married at first sight
give me back my wooden spoon

Steve brings up how Michael said it would “mug your bride off” if you didn’t kiss them on the lips at the wedding. Steve didn’t agree with that – what if the person was really nervous or uncomfortable with that kind of PDA (agree). Michael tries to explain it in a way that doesn’t make him sound like a predatory piece of shit, and somewhat succeeds – he says he thinks it would be disrespectful to the bride (??) if he didn’t. It’s a cop out but I also don’t think Michael is the kind of person who would like force Stacey to kiss him. The whole chat is a bit redundant.

Mishel tries to give her two cents, but Steve interrupts and asks her to wait for him to finish in quite a snappy way. Michael uses that to one up the guy again, saying “no, it’s a conversation between people”. It’s chaos.

Michael then twists it all into “you told her to shut up, you’re such a shit husband”, and like – Steve could have let Mishel join the conversation and definitely shut her down multiple times, but he was never being a total dick to her. The bullying from Michael and Stacey is RANK. They disgust me.

married at first sight
look at these SMUNTS

Michael riling Steve up then being all “why are you so mad, Steve? Calm down Steve!” The poor guy ends up going off a frustrated, stressed mess.

married at first sight
Someone give him a hug

The grot bullies get all gloaty about how they’ve won the argument, and blah blah we’re a team, a smunty team of smunts. I cannot wait for them to fall apart. Please MAFS Jesus (wise John, obviously), smite them.

Other stuff happens. Ivan’s smitten with Aleks. Cathy’s jealous that Josh is flirting with Hayley. The Smunts are brewing more shit, this time with Mikey and Natasha. They mince over and Michael pulls Mikey for a chat.

Why did the two same-named people decide to have a convo, who was meant to police this.

Anyway, Michael twists Natasha’s words from earlier on, telling Mikey she was saying he lasted for ten seconds. In reality, Natasha was repeating a joke Mikey made, and was never implying he was shit in bed.

ma heart, ma soul

Poor Natasha has no fucking idea what’s going on, and poor Mikey is devastated. He walks out, Ivan follows, and when Ivan returns he explains to Natasha (really nicely, actually) that Mikey’s upset because he’s embarrassed by how she talks about their sex life.

Natasha is like, but he laughs about it when we’re together? She clearly didn’t mean to be a bitch, and feels awful about it. It was probably an error to repeat the joke, but I too would think – well, you said it to me with MAFS CAMERAS IN YOUR FACE.

Mikey goes home. Natasha comes back and immediately confronts HEAD DEMON MICHAEL. Smunt #2 Stacey watches on as Michael starts baiting Natasha, who is on the verge of tears over how she’s upset Mikey.

In the end, Wise Master John says Natasha’s going to have to fix things with Mikey before the commitment ceremony, or “this might be her last dinner party”.

DU-DUN.

Until Sunday’s episode of Married At First Sight, my pals. I’m off to try and cool my jets after watching all that smuntiness.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.