‘MAFS’ RECAP: My Mind Is Forever Tarnished After Watching Steve Suck Jelly From His Hand

married at first sight

After a tumultuous first day/couple of days/who bloody knows on this show of Intimacy Week, we’re back! We’ve lost Poppy and Luke, but we’re still positive and trucking along with the rest of the Married At First Sight gang. Lol jk I have no positivity here, I’ll be shocked – SHOCKED, I tell you – if any of these couples make it to the end.

Still! We’ve seen it happen before. I won’t laugh at you if you have hope.

We return to everyone in bed. Not TOGETHER – that would be far too spicy, although I wish a group orgy would go down. Just with their partners, loving life, playing silly buggers by jumping on each other, etc etc.

The first couple we hone in on for Married At First Sight, episode 4563 (it feels), hour 50000 (it feels) is Cathy and Josh. They’re headed off for a romantic trip to the sexy lingerie shop.

We follow them in and then watch on as Cathy tries on a skimpy pieces and looks like she’d rather not do this for the entire nation, actually.

pls make it end
if i muster up some tepid enthusiasm will you make it end

They pick some pieces, are gross and loved up, etc etc. I don’t care. I legit just do not care about these two? I think it’s because they’re just regular plebs who have some regular plebby love going on. At least Connie was emotionally obsessed with sharks before she met JonEthEn you know? And Mishel was grooving with her child at clubs. I need some back story or IDGAF.

Over to Tash and Amanda, who PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD need to split up. Amanda keeps flogging the extremely dead horse by suggesting they go out to get ingredients for a vegan dinner. But! Tash just had her teeth whitened, so she can only eat white foods.

For some reason this is excruciatingly frustrating for Amanda.

*clenches over white food*

Tash is making light of it all but Amanda’s not picking up what she’s putting down, I don’t know how many times I have to say this but THESE. TWO. DON’T. WORK. PERIOD. Both lovely people, just do not gel together.

Meanwhile, Stacey’s having a stress beverage.

Or anxie-TEA amirite!! Haha!! Here all week!

This is because Michael turns into a fucking gronk when he’s drunk, apparently. For the second time in their short marriage, he’s gotten shitfaced and started being a rude little bitch, so Stacey kicked him out during the evening and they’re now in separate apartments.

Stacey’s expecting an apology or she’s done.

Meanwhile, Connie and Joneeeetheeeen are painting each other with edible body chocolate and somehow making it less sexy than the idea of Barnaby Joyce getting a blowie.

i would rather watch that horrible animal planet video of walruses falling off rocks than this

This is because instead of getting one person to lie in bed and the other slowly, sensually paint them then lick it off, Connie and JonEthEn are painting COMPLIMENTS ON EACH OTHER. Wow. You could not find an unsexier concept.

Over at Casa HaDavid (I don’t know Dayley?), it’s BONETOWN, USA! Yep, David and Hayley fucked – and they have no qualms about letting us know all the details.

We learn that David is dominant in the bedroom. Hayley likes her hair being pulled. They have a lot of chemistry between the sheets. We also learn that I had roast chicken for dinner, because I’ve projectile vomited at the sight of David post-coitally glowing as he re-tells all of this.

Hayley conducts all her morning interviews in her undercrackers, which is actually a real vibe.

our sex was so hot all my clothes burned off me

I’m tentatively happy for them – they seem to have turned a corner and you know what? Sometimes you do just have to get down/dirty to break some sexual tension or whatever.

Tash and Amanda are choofing around the supermarket buying vegan stuff and white food. They’re not fighting, which Amanda says is good. I mean, being able to not fight at the shops for 15 minutes isn’t exactly the win of the century but sure.

Mikey and Natasha are going great guns, except for the bit where Mikey is petrified of intimacy and looks like he might vomit on his pants when Natasha tells him her Intimacy Task is for him to share a spa with her.

mummy

Before we get to see him self-combust with intimacy stress, Stacey and Michael meet up for a chat. She says it’s strike two and actions speak louder than words, and other cliches. He acts like a big baby, all huffy and “I don’t wanna be here” but reluctantly apologises.

i don’t like being a big boy who deals with my problems, make me a vegemite sandwich

Did you forget about Chris and Vanessa? Same. Well, they exist apparently, and Chris has had the flu all week. Vanessa decides the best way to heal him is to wake him up from a sickly fever dream while wearing a surprise sexy nurse costume! I am shocked Chris didn’t have an on-the-spot heart attack.

lie still i’ve decided we need to remove your appendixes

Nurse Vanessa seems to only specialise in putting cold towels on people’s heads, but it wins Chris over.

Back to MiStacey, for no real reason to be honest because they’re just having the same tepid argument about his night out. So we head back to Mikey, who is being slowly tortured to death by Natasha with self-care.

my life is flashing before my eyes

Like, REALLY being tortured.

please release me i beg u

He braves it through all the touching, which is pretty impressive considering he hates being touched. To be honest, I am a touchy-feely person and even I would baulk at having moisturiser lathered all over my skin by a stranger, it’s very reminiscent of:

Over to Tash and Amanda. Their dinner-cooking couldn’t be more beige. Amanda makes jokes around like she’s on a cooking show segment, Tash ignores it. Amanda asks why she’s vegan, Tash is frazzled by the cauliflower in the oven and says she’ll tell her later. Amanda gets annoyed, blah blah same same.

They sit down to eat, Tash seems happy-ish, who cares this couple is 10000% doomed.

Back to MiStacey. Michael has bought a cake, which means a producer high-tailed it down to The Cheesecake Shop and bought the last one they had on the stands, ripping it out of a little old lady’s hands in the process. It’s an effort to appease Stacey and get this relationship back on the road.

It also looks like it has blood on it.

Married At First Sight
sorry I cut my thumb but it’s still good

Turns out it’s a red velvet cake which is apparently her favourite, and Michael says he walked three kilometres to get it which is a bald-faced lie.

Stacey STILL doesn’t forgive him. She says they’re back on square one. I just don’t think this is how relationships work. But what would I know! As I said, I am not Wise Master John. No one knows anything except for him.

Over to Cathy and Josh for 0.002 seconds, as Josh reads one of the books circa 1992 from the bookshelf:

Married At First Sight
just out here reading some vintage literature

Before Cathy saunters in wearing her new lingerie, including the ridiculous bunny ears. It is VERY sexual? And then Josh is like “you need to leave” to the camera guy and I just… sex is great, natural and normal but I really, really get the heebies when a very intimate, sexual act is imminent with real people, and there’s a CAMERA PRESENCE IN THE ROOM filming it for all of Australia.

Married At First Sight
ohgodohgodohgod

In the morning, Hayley decides to make David bacon in lingerie. Not like, pieces of bacon dressed in Barbie lingerie, although I wish she DID do that.

It’s all very steamy and once again, I’m uncomfortable. Am I a prude? No, it is the MAFS couples who are wrong.

this but it’s the MAFS people

Anyway, they have a chat while eating bacon and eggs, and Hayley casually drops the L-bomb. I love you. David looks like he might have choked on some piglet.

Married At First Sight
Babe is stuck in my throat

She laughs it off because, no shit, she was just saying it as a throwaway comment and wasn’t psychotically declaring her actual love for the man. She does all of this with a mouthful of bacon and honestly? Hayley’s won me over again.

Married At First Sight
Queen

Meanwhile, Connie has the shits at JonEthEn because – shocker – he whipped his phone out when he’s meant to be off it all week. She says he was posting a selfie and checking all the likes. SO? WHAT??? HONESTLY?????

I don’t get the phone thing with Connie. It feels like she’s fixating on something to try and sabotage their relatively good relationship. Christ, it’s 2020 – who isn’t on their phone all the time? But what would I know – I cannot stress this enough, I’m not Wise Master John.

I’ve gotta say this is some stellar sulking, 10/10

Mishel is bored – she feels her and Steve have become the old married couple. Shocking since they are the old(er) married couple. Doubly shocking considering she says all of this while wearing Sesame Street pyjamas.

i just don’t know why he didn’t want to play tickle me elmo

She says she has an “experiment” planned for Steve, something “sexy” and then alarmingly she adds that he might get scared, so she’ll keep it light.

Is… Is Mishel going to surprise Steve with some BDSM?

We don’t find out. We instead go over to Aleks and Ivan, who have hired a mindfulness coach to tell them how to touch each other. I think.

Of course, Dr Horny is back to explain it more.

did someone say physical intimacy

It’s basically about Aleks and Ivan staring into each other’s eyes to ~connect spiritually~ and hugging a lot while lying down. For some reason we keep crossing from their mindfulness moment to Cathy/Josh doing roleplay.

i’m both turned on and keen to go horse-riding

It’s a LOT. Then just to make it more A LOT, we cross to Mishel and Steve who are in the bedroom, door closed, doing something weird.

i didn’t need this visual

Turns out it’s just a blindfold eating game.

also known as my worst nightmare

I am now mentally scarred by the sight of Steve slobbering up jelly. He really goes for it. He’s slobbering for England. Slobbering for his life.

well I’m off my food

Back to Connie and JonEthEn – he’s decided to take Connie on a date to an art gallery. Well, not really – a date to do nude life drawing.

is that john malkovich

Joneeetheeen seems kind of talented at art, but Connie has this insane, massive tantrum because she’s all “Jonnie’s joking around, he’s not being serious about our relationship” which makes NO sense because he’s literally just doing the drawing? ALSO as he points out, he did her uncomfortable task which was writing a letter, the least she could do is try drawing.

I can’t work out why she’s so riled up – part of me feels like there’s a convo we haven’t been privy to. Like they’ve been having some other issues we haven’t seen… yet.

Whatever the case, she storms off like a giant baby.

More stellar sulking though, she’s really good

Michael’s cooking for Stacey, and the first alarm bells would have to go off around when he mistakes white wine for red wine.

ah yes, that clear liquid known as red wine

The end result is likely going to give Stacey salmonella. Oh well!

a delicious degustation of bacteria

JonEthEn returns home to a cranky Connie. He sits down to make amends, and she is just sooooo fucking intense about it all. He’s being extremely empathetic, saying he’s sorry he didn’t read the situation better and he’s trying, and he’s never had to talk about his emotions this much before.

But she goes “that means you’re SOFTENING UP and THAT’S WHAT THIS EXPERIMENT IS ABOUT” which like… she’s not wrong but why make it so full on? I wonder if it’s just the nature of the show, that everything naturally becomes super fucking intense. Whatever the case, I would be running for the hills if someone, two weeks in, was staring deeply into my eyes like this while educating me on my emotions.

sing it with me jonnie! climb every mountain, ford every streeeeam

Anyway, they patch things up.

Stacey and Michael also patch things up by way of a hideous dinner setting featuring the salmonella riddled fish Michael cooked, plus a heart centrepiece of IKEA tealights and microwaved spring rolls. And they say romance is dead, psssht.

wow thanks babe I really felt like food poisoning for 3-5 days

Jokes! He called a restaurant and ordered a perfect looking fish.

She believes him, or pretends she does. As if you’d believe he cooked that. It has literally been like salt-crusted. There are herbs you can’t buy on there.

The real drama is over with Mishel and Steve, who have realised they have, well, nothing in common. Basically that Mishel wants to go hiking or white-water rafting or some shit, and Steve doesn’t.

They have this big blow-up on the couch about it all – Steve wants to do things he wants to do sometimes, he feels Mishel shuts down his suggestions, etc etc. Frankly I’m shocked she’s stayed with him considering every time she says “fuck” he freaks the hell out. Mate, as a fellow potty-mouth I could NOT.

Mishel’s like – well what do you want to do, and he’s all nice dinners and so on, to which she responds “well we might as well go to the retirement village, at least they have planned activities”. THE SICKEST OF BURNS.

Steve chucks a tanty and storms off. Until tomorrow night!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.

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