We open this episode of Married At First Sight with picturesque shots of all the Sydney staples – sought-after real estate on Bondi, the Harbour Bridge… before the voiceover lady tells us every couple is moving into the same block of Serviced Apartments smack-bang in the middle of the CBD.
Special shout out to Mishel and her five hot pink suitcases, an energy I can only aspire to.
To be fair, the serviced apartments are quite nice. Like a relatively swish hotel – less cold and emotionless than what they had before. But also the size of a public toilet.
Wise Master John tells us that living together in close quarters is something couples often don’t do for months or years in a relationship. As always, he gives off strong Yoda energy while not actually saying anything of worth at all.
The first couple we hone in on are Poppy and Luke. Poppy is already verging on an “I miss my kids” outburst in the elevator.
They potter around the house looking at shit. We get a solid close-up of the heinous book selection an assistant has scouted from the local Vinnie’s.
Anyway they seem fine…. they definitely have the good banter between them, which is mainly just Poppy giving Luke shit. Still, that’s how I conduct all my relationships! So by my standards, they’re doing great. I just have this gut feeling that Poppy isn’t into Luke. But we’ll see.
Over to Stacey and Michael, who still think they’re the hottest shit in Serviced Apartment Living history. Michael gazes fondly at their wedding photo, saying seeing Stacey walk down the aisle was like “someone sprinkled some fairy dust on an FHM magazine centrefold and brought it to life”. Just how I want to be described.
They’re deliriously happy, or pretending they’re deliriously happy so they can rack up the Instagram follows. Again – we cannot know. But we DO know that eventually all these couples crack under the pressure and reveal their true intentions. Can’t fucking wait.
Stacey and David have moved back in together, and there’s this very, very tense “happiness” about them. Like, they’re civil and laughing at each other but at any moment one of them could throw a plate at the wall and start screaming.
Also David is just pure Farm Manager right now, and it’s such a vibe.
They both agree it’s a new slate, although David says he’s not holding his breath – not the best attitude going in, beb.
Tash and Amanda are like two colleagues tolerating each other on a work trip. There is no chemistry – like, NO chemistry. Minus 5 billion on the chemistry scale. There’s more chemistry between Tash and this loaf of bread she hugs warmly.
Hoo boy, these two have issues. Let’s unpack them – Amanda is saying Tash holds back in their relationship – physically. She barely looks her in the eye, she is touchy feely with everyone else except Amanda, etc etc.
Tash takes this as pressure to be intimate with Amanda when she’s not feeling it.
On one hand, Amanda can fuck right off with expectations that Tash needs to physically interact with her. No one is owed intimacy from another person, period. THAT BEING SAID, it’s also fucking clear Tash is simply not attracted to Amanda, and if so she should just leave the show??
It feels like both of them are just hanging out for the other to fuck off at this point, because whoever leaves might open a space for a new person (someone they can make a relationship with) to come in as an intruder.
But I still can’t support Amanda’s attitude. Tash starts crying, feeling pressured. It’s really, really fucked up. Like, REALLY fucked up – Tash literally leaves their apartment because she’s not coping with the pressure, and actually seems scared? Like says to the camera “I don’t think we should be anywhere NEAR each other.” Not cool.
One couple who are having less of a dramatic move-in are Steve and Mishel. Steve decides to treat his new wife to some sexy lingerie from… PETER ALEXANDER?
Actually if a guy bought me some luxurious Peter Alexander PJs I’d be way more stoked than if they bought me some polyester butt floss with a side of thrush.
Stacey, meanwhile is taking up the entire apartment with her makeup products – a vibe I can relate to.
Over to Poppy and Luke, but first can we also gaze in horror at the tiny double beds the producers gave these couples? It doesn’t even look like a double. It’s like a babies double.
They sit down to chat, and Luke drops a bomb – he considers this week in the apartment to be make or break. Basically, if they’re not vibing by the end of it, they’re done. OH SHIT HE JUST DID THAT.
Poppy is off it, which is supremely unfair. I empathise with her about the kid thing (even if it drives me nuts), but sorry Pops this isn’t just about YOU – it must feel shitty for Luke waiting around for you to like him. This is exactly what Amanda should be doing with Tash, instead of complaining about the lack of connection and making it her fault. Just adios it!
Luke decides to go get groceries, give Poppy some alone time, then come back and cook her a nice dinner. But when he gets back she’s pass agg watching TV and then pass agg says “nah you cook for you, I’m not hungry”, and then pass agg flops on the couch.
He’s like:
She tells the camera she wants to feel like herself again, then – YEP – brings up her bloody kids! Again! My god! Poppy! Shut up! About the kids now!
Like I’m sorry, at this point it’s been WEEKS. I feel like she’s not making a conscious choice to get to know Luke, or admitting to herself she doesn’t like him, or whatever. And that’s just not fair on the poor bloke? He’s been a sweet angel and so patient. Like I said, it’s not that Poppy’s reasons for being emotional aren’t valid – but no one’s forcing her to stay.
Everyone gets a letter – it’s Intimacy Week, which means, I shit you not, they need to “increase their understanding about romance, intimacy and sexual compatibility”. GUYS. CAN WE NOT. WITH THE AWKWARD SEX CHAT. ALL THE TIME.
John saves this from turning really grot by explaining that Intimacy Week – a new experiment within this experiment – isn’t about sex. It’s about EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, you guys. But also it’s about sex. You can bet your sweet bippy the experts are hoping all the couples buy a one way ticket to BoneTown this week so some real drama can get stirred up.
Each person gets to come up with a “task” they can assign the other person, in the hopes of ~building intimacy~. I assume the tasks cannot be sexual favours, because that would be illegal.
Mikey tells Natasha they could “play sports or go fishing”. This is her response.
Connie and JonEthEn are breaking down, you guys. I didn’t think it could happen, but now having watched them slowly disintegrate I’m starting to think they’re not that well suited.
Basically, Connie is still banging on about Joneeetheeen being on his phone too much. She says he made a comment on a post implying he was single – he says it was about “wanting to find love like his mate has”. She can’t let it go, and he’s getting frustrated.
Since 99% of us were scrolling on our phones as this was happening on the TV we were also watching, I think we can safely say we’re Team Jonetheeen here.
After the ad break we’re immediately accosted with my worst nightmare.
It’s Josh, serenading Cathy (let’s be honest, viewers) with a terrible song he wrote! Over in Apartment 4,500 – Chris has the flu. Disgusting. Thankfully he realises he is revolting and slept on the couch. Good man.
He’s definitely one of those guys who thinks having a light virus is akin to dying of the Black Death.
But Vanessa seems to find it endearing and not fucking annoying, so that’s cute.
Back to Connie and JonEthEn. Hooooo boy – Connie decides taking JonEthEn’s phone off him is a great task for MAFS Intimacy Week.
He is livid, but trying his best to pretend he’s chill about it. More and more, I’m thinking he’s in this for the Insta fans and not the relationship. That being said, Connie is also fucking shitting me with her intensity about the phone, so maybe he’s just feeling a bit smothered?
We segue over to Poppy and Luke – where finally, FINALLY, Poppy has realised she cannot sustain her presence on MAFS simply by repeating the sentence “my kids” over and over. She’s leaving.
Annoyingly, and extremely upsettingly, this also means Luke is cancelled. WHY! GIVE HIM ANOTHER MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT BRIDE, YOU COWARDS!
Meanwhile, Connie and JonEthEn have miraculously not imploded after she stole his phone. They’re cuddling on the couch! Connie is impersonating a prehistoric bird!
Jks, she’s making JonEthEn write her a letter. He would rather play Find My Secret Poo In The House than write a letter.
Connie explains that they will both write down all their thoughts and feelings about the relationship, so they can see if they’re on the same page (literally). This is the worst idea I have ever heard on Married At First Sight! This is worse than the time Ines chose to wear that 2003 Supre dress to visit that guy last season! These people have been together for a COUPLE OF WEEKS! It’s far too much pressure, and old mate JonEthEn is feeling it hard.
I think if Connie’s not careful, all this over-enthusiasm is going to push the dude away. Whether that’s because they’re not suited and she needed another stage 5 clinger to be partnered with, or whether she’s a bit green with relationships – I do not know.
Over at Casa Hayley/David (Hayvid? Dayley? Who cares they’ll split within the week surely) we’re playing Question Box. You’d think this is a worse idea than Connie’s, but these two literally need an organised game to talk normally with one another.
David asks Hayley what her favourite intimate act is (oo-er) but she says “decency and respect”.
They have a really nice chat, actually. There’s still that tension between them but you can tell they both genuinely want to make things work, and I really don’t think either of them is in this for the fame? Hayley even looked a bit smitten.
Connie and Joneeetheeen read their superintense letters to each other. Connie’s is cute, JonEthEn thanks her by hoovering up her mouth.
In a shocking development, JonEthEn’s letter is REALLY FUCKING CUTE, GUYS. He says he makes the bed every morning because he knows Connie doesn’t like leaving the house with it unmade!!! He is a perfect angel!!!
Michael’s ready to give Stacey her Intimacy Task – it’s wearing no makeup. You can feel her internal scream through the TV.
Tash and Amanda, in crisis mode, go chat to other people in this MAFS experiment about their relationship. Isn’t everyone on Married At First Sight meant to be a bit shit at love? I don’t know if they’re gonna have wisdom for these two.
Because Steve is actually Oh Wise One John with a cap on, he has amazing advice for Amanda. He says she needs to chill the fuck out a bit since her approach is confronting Tash.
Back at MiStacey’s place, and Michael’s taking off Stacey’s makeup, much to her disgust. He’s pretty funny? He made a good joke about her pimples being called Todd and Steve. I don’t know, you had to be there.
Amanda and Tash have hit rock bottom, so they call up Expert John to mediate a session with them one-on-one. And by Expert John, I mean Steve without the cap.
They are just like blah blah blah same bullshit same bullshit, until John interrupts them with some actually good advice. Fuck guys, am I going to learn about relationships by watching this show? Like actually?
Anyway, they kind of patch things up. Maybe.
Back to MiStacey, and we finally get to see Stacey without makeup on! She looks…. the same.
Sorry, but if we were really going for this Michael should have individually ripped her eyelash extensions off one by one. THEN we’d be talking. She also has perfect skin? Where’s Todd and Steve? She even looks cute with plaits! This is so rude. Without makeup on and my hair in plaits, I look like an Edwardian gentleman.
It is kind of cute how Michael gushes over her courage – and look, she does genuinely seem like this was a daunting task for her, so congrats.
Anyway, it’s very short-lived because when we return to Casa MiStacey in the morning, the Mi part is gone. That is, Stacey’s kicked Michael out because he got home drunk and started being a prick to her. Again. Hmmmm.
We’ll have to see how that little nugget’ll pan out tomorrow night on Married At First Sight, I guess!
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
