One in three marriages in Australia ends in divorce, but Married At First Sight may well halve that statistic, as couples around the nation see Lachie and Clare in action, think ‘fuck, things could be a lot worse, hey?’ then resume eating pizza on the couch in their tracky dacks.
We’re three episodes deep into the series, and last night’s instalment confirmed that they are, in fact, the worst couple in the history of couplehood, and possibly the universe.
Overnight, laid-back country lad Lachie swapped his farm for Clare‘s poky inner-city apartment.
Things started out well enough – he introduced her to his dog Snoop (best), she introduced him to her ‘relationship-friendly toilet’ (worst) – but shockingly enough, the pair didn’t manage to last a single night without getting on each other’s tits.
Lachie stopped short of clubbing Clare on the head and dragging her back to the cave, but dropped numerous hints about how she should come back and visit the farm, to which she was … we’ll go ahead and say ‘less than receptive’.
Shit escalated fast, and Clare, who had ummed and ahhed about making time for a farm visit, let him have it. “I looked at my calendar last night before we had this conversation!” she shouted, dashing Lachie’s dreams. “What’s your problem? FUCK YOU!”
Lachie’s dog is clearly not used to that kind of language. Later, at a trip to IKEA, the pair took some relationship advice from some dude, who basically told them that if they can survive a couples trip to IKEA, they can survive anything.
That night, presumably at the urging of producers, the pair ‘made up’, and Lachie planted the following ‘kiss’ on Clare, while looking as if he was attempting to chew through a set of restraints.
Whoever edited the dog reactions on this show deserves a goddamn Logie.
Another spectacularly stilted discussion about weekend plans ensued. Lachie wanted to take Clare out to the farm, but, DRAMA, Clare wanted to take Lachie boxing. Now that’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy!
“I’ll give you a quick tip, I doubt it … I’ll take you out on the farm boxing,” mumbled Lachie, as the discussion hit yet another confusing brick wall.
“If I was you, my glass would be half-full and I would be happy with any time you got to spend with me,” snapped Clare, who for some reason picked that moment for a spot of angry-ironing.
All of Australia made this face.
Seconds later, Clare stormed out, and Lachie defensively napped for a bit.
Lachie spent the night on the couch, and this is the actual face Snoop made at Clare the next morning:
Clare is not actually legally married to Lachie, so the ring she left on the window sill is actually just a regular old ring, but her implied meaning is still fairly clear:
Clare stormed off to work, and Lachie spent the morning catfishing strangers on the internet to try and feel alive thoughtfully sent her a bunch of flowers.
Clare grudgingly agreed to spend a single day at the farm, but then … sort of enjoyed it?
“I feel like I’m part of something. I feel like I am somebody,” she later said. OMG, Clare, stop.
Where will the Clare and Lachie express take us next? We’re figuratively dying to find out.
Images via 9 Jump In
