We’re back! Another week of MAFS down! Another week of no toilet toothbrush action, which makes me very upset! But that’s ok, it will come. And when it does, we will be ready for it.
Tonight’s MAFS was a commitment ceremony thingie – all the couples fished out their very best YourCloset.com.au rentals to sit on couches and reveal intimate details about their new relationships. Sounds really fun! About as fun as ripping each of your eyelash hairs out with tweezers! But let’s get into it.
Everyone is prepping in their dismal executive suites for the thing. They’re also all bitching about Hayley and David’s clusterfuck of a marriage, smuntily enjoying the fact they’re not the Shit Couple.
Meanwhile, Shit-Couple-Haver David is preparing for a showdown. He’s not happy that Hayley tried to kiss him, and the about-turn has him rattled. He starts saying “if Hayley throw stones on that couch, you’d better believe I’m throwing the biggest stones”. I don’t think he understands popular sayings and phrases, but I also alarmingly understood what he meant.
Hayley, who is living 4 metres away probably, but the voiceover makes it sound like they’ve put her up in Siberia to ensure maximum distance from David, is Captain Delusional, founding member of the Delusional Club. She is saying David gave her a kiss (????) and was being sweet to her.
Michael meanwhile has done a very good job of his Year 10 project. B-.
He’s predicting who is going to choose to stay or leave. Because Stacey thinks they’re the MAFS equivalent of Kate and Wills, she’s totally into it. I cannot wait for these two gloaty people to split up. And you know they will.
One couple they’re unsure about are Aleks and Ivan. So we segue over there, to watch Ivan slowly put on nude foot covers.
So now at least we know he isn’t just shoving his feet into his shoes sockless, creating the next coronavirus. He’s gone up in my eyes! Anyway, Aleks is still peeved at his immature behaviour at the dinner party. I’ve gotta say, these two might be the dark horse couple of the season. Ivan listens to Aleks when she’s like “you were being a fuckwit” and she seems to have patience with his irritating personality?
Back to Stacey and Michael, they move on to discuss Tash and Amanda. Michael can’t get over the idea of lesbians. His brain simply cannot compute – he’s all “it was so funny hearing a girl say another girl put her in the friend zone ohohohoho.” Is it?? That funny?? Michael??
We head over to suss what they’re up to. Amanda has a virus, which is gross – sorry, but viruses are gross. I don’t like watching people who are infused with snot. Anyway, Tash comes in and sits chaotically close to Amanda even though she’s currently a cesspit of disease, and they just have NO chemistry. More and more, I’m siding with Tash on this – you can’t force it. If the sparks aren’t there, they’re not there.
Bam! We’re at the commitment ceremony. Mel and John very sombrely tell the team they’ll soooooon deciiiiiide if they want to staaaay togetherrrrrr. Very dramatic war battle music, lots of shots of everyone looking like their dog just got put down.
Hayley tells the girls she feels judged. David tells the boys he doesn’t know what he wants to do. We’re left with him going on about ships sailing (this man needs to get his phrases right) and this dramatic shot.
Blah blah, all the other MAFS couples are happy, insanely boring stuff. Over to Luke and Poppy – and Poppy, like a broken record, once again is all “I miss my kids”.
I jest, I jest. I understand it must be hard for her to not be near those fade-having little rascals. I genuinely do feel for her. But I also feel this – Luke is a sweet baby angel from heaven who deserves a woman who wants to get to know him, while her reasons for being upset are 100% valid, she needs to segue out of this show! Let him meet someone who can handle this pressure, Poppy!!! Go home!
Anyway, then she cried and I felt mean. See? I have a heart! I swear!
First up at the MAFS commitment ceremony, we have Cathy and Josh. Cue the snooze button because who wants to hear two people falling in love telling us how happy they are? Not me! I’m depressed and lonely! Give me the drama so I can tell myself being single is a total vibe and love is for losers!
The experts are creaming themselves over Cathy and Josh, absolutely frothing their choice in pairing them up. Then, in pure chaotic energy, Dr. Trisha, with the horniest energy this side of Horntown asks them how they’re going “physically”. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD. Why are we discussing this on national TV.
Everyone is mortified. I’m mortified. My dog is mortified. The inanimate objects in my living room start disintegrating out of vicarious humiliation.
Obviously they both choose to stay. BORING! NEXT!
Next up are Tash and Amanda. YES! This is what I wanted, couples in turmoil! So I’m leaning more on team Tash as I said before – I just think Amanda’s vilifying her for not having feelings, and that’s not really fair. Anyway, it’s all same same. Amanda keeps making jabs at Tash and she’s just like:
In the end, they both decide to stay. Then John gets Amanda to tell Tash what she needs from her this week, and it’s all nice stuff except then Amanda’s like “and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, it’s what we’re here for” which would be all well and good, except just before Amanda used the term “vulnerable” connected to sex, like “if Amanda had been vulnerable with me we’d probably have had sex”.
So what she’s reeeeally saying is “and don’t forget to have sex with me” I reckon, and Tash is like:
Tash is all “yes yes ok” and then they choof off, to be replaced with Stacey and Michael. They talk about Stacey’s walls at the wedding, and Michael says “she had more walls up than the Trump administration” which everyone pisses themselves laughing over but like, guys, that is a 2/10 joke.
Michael says he’s obsessed with Stacey. Meanwhile, JonEthEn is mildly alarmed by Michael.
Meanwhile Dr Horny Trisha is fucking obsessed with talking about sex. She loves it! Can’t get enough!
They both stay, unsurprisingly. Next we have Connie and Joneeeetheeeen, who are intent on giving me a migraine.
Surprisingly, they do have an issue – Connie thinks JonEthEn is on his phone too much. As someone who’s ex complained that I was on my phone too much, I am feeling SEEN, my friends. I guess she has a fair point. It’s a very lukewarm issue to be having.
Anyway they both decide to stay, shocker.
Moving on to Vanessa and Chris. Sadly, we get no clarification on those hand signals Chris threw up at the dinner party. Vanessa says they both weren’t each other’s type, but they’re growing on each other. They’re actually kind of adorable? I don’t know, do you feel like we’ve seen 2 seconds of them together because I do – I can barely remember their names.
Anyway, they both stay.
Over to Mishel and Steve/my dad/Fake John, and they’re fine. Steve’s like, yeah I think the world of her. They’re just seeing if they even like each other, and then Steve is all “and let me tell you if we do, we’ll get it on”.
Everyone laughs while I sit screaming at such a high pitch, my dog starts barking. Steve sits there like:
G R O S S. Not because he’s old (definitely because I’m still concerned he’s my dad) but like hearing people talk to the entire nation about their sex life is just alarming.
Onto Poppy and Luke. Naturally, we hear Poppy say “my kids” about 990 times. I feel for her but as a cold-hearted viewer, I’m just really tired of this same broken record.
Look. I really do feel for Poppy – especially when she talked about how she’s been around her babies 24/7 since they were born. She’s raised them as a single mum, she’s a fucking hero! Everyone take their hats off to her RIGHT NOW or I’ll slash your tires!
I think I’m generally mildly annoyed because Luke deserves to find love! And I don’t think Poppy’s going to be able to compartmentalise her kids enough to really give things a go, and then it’s like, NO SOMEONE FIND LUKE HIS PRINCESS.
So I’m bit miffed when Poppy decides to stay – because I just think at this point, she needs to go back to her bb’s and let Luke meet someone who is emotionally available.
Moving along to Ivan and Aleks. They’re happy, etc etc. This has to be the most boring commitment ceremony ever, someone confirm. I will say this – I’m suss on Ivan. Don’t you feel like he says and does EVERYTHING right? Like sure, he’s annoying and whatever, but with Aleks he’s always all “ohhh I respect her opinion, ooooh she challenges me, blaaaaa I’m a super sensitive man who provides for my wife but also considers her feelings.” It’s TOO on point. Watch this space, I say.
As always, Dr Horny Trisha is back at it again, asking about the chemistry.
Aleks says they’re “friends”, but that the attraction might grow. It definitely sounds like she’s not at all attracted to Ivan, although she counters it with saying he’s not her usual type and that might be why. Ivan looks like she kicked his newborn puppy, before saying he is definitely physically attracted to Aleks.
Aleks is still dirty about the Hayley situation at the dinner party, saying that while she’s never been as respected as she has been with Ivan, she isn’t sure if he’s gonna be that nice guy or the fuckwit who bullies other people, essentially. But she decides to stay, as does he. SURPRISE SURPRISE.
Of courseeee we leave David and Hayley to last. The shitshow. The chaotic MAFS energy. We live for it. This is why we’re here, refill your cask wine everyone because this is the good stuff. Even John’s excited.
First up, David discusses the smoking. He says it’s a dealbreaker for him and Hayley knew it from the very start of MAFS. Hayley counters this by saying she hadn’t smoked in months before the show, and the stress got to her so she bought her first pack of darts in a year.
So David’s like, well what about how you implied I was a povvo loser for earning $25/hour? I would like to add that driving a truck around the country, the warm Aussie air on your face, some Midnight Oil blaring from the stereo? PRICELESS. But whatever. David does the these-were-your-exact-words business, and Hayley – LOL – butts in to say “Excuse me I don’t say Darling I say Darl”. Coz that is definitely the point here, Hayls.
David continues but Hayley keeps interrupting him, so at one point he’s all “excuse ME I’m TALKING and I’m TIRED of not speaking my TRUTH.” Stacey is like oh my god the man is about to speak his truth!!!!!
John interrupts them!!!! It’s dramatic! He says what they all need to work out is why their relationship isn’t working, once again doing the thing the experts do where they state the absolute base-level obvious. Hayley says “because I’m a money-grabbing whore, obviously.” We cross to Mikey, who I was sure was a 13 year old boy who snuck on set.
Then David is all, I’ve had to spend time with this rude person who was a drug addict, but I can ACCEPT that, and then to prove he absolutely hasn’t accepted it says “I’m here with this recovering drug addict” and Hayley loses it. Even Mel and Dr Horny Trisha look unimpressed.
It’s actually a really emotional end to the episode. Hayley breaks down – she’s not her past, she’s worked hard to get her life together and it’s completely hit her hard that David essentially doesn’t want to be matched with someone who had drug issues, since she doesn’t have them anymore.
I’m not even mad at David? He clearly immediately realises, once Hayley starts talking, that he’s fucked up here. And then BLESSED JOHN THE HERO WE DON’T DESERVE cuts in and explains that Hayley – like David, who recovered from a horrendous spinal injury – has been through some shit and is a resilient human.
Oh god, sometimes this show – which I fundamentally never take seriously – really gets me right in the goolies. Right in those goolies with actual heart and emotion. How dare you, MAFS.
But then it goes back to the money comment – John interjects, Hayley tries to talk over the top of him, he tells her basically to shut up.
He says they need to see where each other is coming from, and it’s no surprise that they then soften and get over everything. But John has some parting words of wisdom – they need to keep doing that in order to survive as a couple. Considering we already know David’s gonna clean the toot with Hayley’s toothbrush at some point, I can safely say I see no future for these two. But for now, it’s quite nice to see a couple overcome their issues.
They both stay, and we await the chaos of these people moving in together. Until tomorrow’s instalment of MAFS!
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
