WE’VE MADE IT TO THE DINNER PARTIES! Christ on a bike, am I excited for this hell pit. Nothing fuels my interest in reality shows like MAFS more than making all the people drink wine, then bringing up their life problems!
We come back to all the couples as they finish up their honeymoons. David and Hayley still aren’t speaking. Everyone else is happy, except for Amanda and Tash – but they’re at least pretending they’re going to give things a shot. Amanda sits Tash down in their glued-on caps (seriously, are we going to see the caps make an appearance at the dinner party? Probably) to give her a gift – matching key rings.
Everyone heads back to Sydney to prep for the first dinner party. We visit Cathy and That Guy (I can’t with all these names I have to remember, who cares what his name is) who have now ~consummated the marriage~ which they then discuss awkwardly on camera. You could not pay me enough to be on this show. Imagine having a camera in your nostril while someone asks you if you have boned for the first time.
Over at Aleks & Ivan’s place, Aleks is worried Ivan is going to embarrass her with his overbearing personality. The answer is, he absolutely will. To be fair, he’s growing on me – tell me I’m not alone here! He’s not that bad?? Like kind of funny? Anyway he also does a woefully shit job of blending Aleks’ real hair with her extensions.
Amanda and Tash are basically pretending not to hate each other at this point. Tash says they should hold hands to walk in, Amanda isn’t sure because she doesn’t want to be fake. Tash feels like she’s on probation after the honeymoon fiasco, etc etc.
As a side note I always enjoy the beige apartments they put the couples in as though they’re normal houses, when actually they’re those soulless executive rooms with a 2 x 2 metre floor space.
David, meanwhile, is eating the exact meal I would expect him to be eating at any hour of the day.
He’s still living apart from Hayley and hates her fucking guts – so much so, that he flat out REFUSES to wear his wedding ring to the dinner party. Like anyone is going to notice, lol.
Hayley’s getting ready across town, and hates David as much as David hates her, naturally.
John tells us, as we see a montage of our couples heading to the dinner party, that these events are designed for couples to “air their issues”. HAHAHAHAHAHA PULL THE OTHER ONE, JOHN!
There is no good reason to bring the couples together like this besides a) hoping people flirt with someone who isn’t their spouse, creating drama or b) start screaming in someone’s face, creating drama. That is it. Finished. Burrito.
Anyway, Cathy and Josh (figured out his name) roll in first – to the same living room/dining set we’ve always had on this show, but they’re acting like it’s brand new information. As if they haven’t watched past seasons! You know what this space looks like, you big liars!
Other couples start rolling in. Connie imitates a startled weasel.
Everyone is like “who the fuck are you” to Luke, who didn’t make it to the buck’s party. Michael is having an out of body experience being back with DA BOIIIIZ.
Just quickly, Cathy’s RSL pour of wine is on point:
Poppy immediately asks the other girls who’s fucked. It comes out very quickly (suspiciously, producer-influenced quickly) that Cathy’s rumpy pumpied with Josh, and Stacey with Michael.
Everyone speculates that David will be rocking up with another country girl. But he arrives alone, and everyone loses their shit.
David says he won’t say anything about Hayley until Hayley’s present, which is admirable but I’m envisioning him immediately screaming “THERE’S THAT BITCH! RIGHT THERE! SHE A BITCH!!!!” as soon as Hayley presents herself. Which would… not be so admirable.
Anyway! Stacey is frothing because suddenly her and Michael aren’t the shittest couple on ground. She tells the cameras that she feels “blessed” to have Michael, and that they’re the best couple or so much better than everyone else. She is basing this on the fact that they’ve fucked and most of the other couples haven’t.
IDK how long Stacey’s been single for but anyone who is in the dating world knows sex does not a relationship make! Honey! Not a sign of devotion out here!
They do a lot of PDA to prove how excellent a couple they are. Then! The doors open. It’s not Hayley, it’s Davina Sparkleson (what the fuck is her name) and Mikey. Then Vanessa and Chris walk in, throwing questionable hand signals.
Then Amanda and Tash walk in, hand in hand as they planned. All the men lose their goddamn minds like they’ve never heard of lesbians before. It’s a lot of ohohohohohoHOHOHOHO!!! And this kind of inquisitiveness.
Everyone mingles, Amanda tells people how her relationship is a car crash without, like, SAYING it’s a car crash. Then Ivan/Aleks walk in and the experts go “aaah! Ivan and Aleks! The two REAL ESTATE AGENTS!” like being real estate agents is the bonding cement their relationship is founded on. Probably because it is.
Ivan is already painful – he make a huge song and dance getting Aleks a drink, then says “just click if you need me” doing a little sassy air click as an example. What??? Why??
Ivan, Michael and Steve stand around broing down and talking like they’ve been married for 50 years to the old ball and chain. Ivan talks about Aleks whipping him into line, then goes “married life, eh?” while taking a strong swig of his beer. What are you TALKING about you’ve been “married” for a week, this isn’t your diamond jubilee or whatever they call it!
It is supremely awkward when Hayley finally walks in. To her credit (and David’s) she goes over to him and they have a civil interaction. But she’s faffing around all over the place like a fly in a coleslaw and it’s really uncomfortable to watch.
Eventually she makes her way over to the girls for a bitch sesh.
Hayley goes ON and ON and ON and ON about how she’s right and David’s wrong, and he’s upset over a joke, and she’s taken accountability, and we are all Cathy right now:
When Hayley is done with her 700 year long legal defence, Stacey stands up for David, saying he was respectful and didn’t bitch about Hayley. Which is absolutely a sledge at Hayley, and she knows it.
To be honest, we are all Hayley here – how fucking annoying is it when you just wanna have a bitch and your mates are like “ohhh well here’s some REASON and RATIONAL THINKING”? Like fuck off with your solutions just tell me he’s a prick and let’s continue.
The dinner party gets underway. The experts cream their pants over it, saying “THIS is where the magic happens, you can’t hide HERE!!!” Yeah, ok guys. Don’t need to have an orgasm over it.
Michael takes it upon himself to judge all the other couples against himself and Stacey, because didn’t you know guys that MICHAEL AND STACEY are the top tippy toppiest couple in all of the lands? Because they had sex.
He says it’s them, then Cathy/Josh, and down the bottom are Tash and Amanda who are fighting about vegan food, and Hayley/David.
Speaking of, Hayley seems firmly back on Team David, telling him she missed his rude head. Lol. He takes a long swig of his wine in response.
He says she’s being “unexpectingly” friendly. Un… expectingly. Michael interrupts their chats by leaning over the duck a l’orange, getting it on his shirt (probably) just so he can say “hey, I’m Michael” and then grill Hayley on why her and David aren’t together, before then saying “but you know, it’s your business”.
Someone give Hayley the Gold Logie, because she hams it up big time playing Best Couple On Ground. She’s going on about David not wearing his ring because it’s too big, and being touchy feely, and David’s just like:
Meanwhile Cathy and Josh are loved up. Which is boring so what’s the point in talking about it? Fine, let’s talk about it. Bla bla they think they’re the fun couple and ohhh isn’t it cute how they’re also FRIENDS like they don’t want to slash each other’s eyeballs? Cuuuuteeeeee, greashhhhhhhh love this for you etc.
Moving on, everyone’s having a chat and Steve decides to become Hayley’s therapist. Then he goes and gossips about what she said to David. Hang on, maybe Steve is just John, not my conservative Christian father, with some interesting special effects makeup on?
Oh my god guys, then everyone at the DINNER TABLE is like “you’re John’s twin”. SEE!!! It’s John in a costume!
Ivan the overbearing suffocation blanket continues to interrupt Aleks’ convos to check she’s ok. SHE IS FINE. SHE IS FINE, IVAN. Stand down, son.
Meanwhile, Tash is going around the table drunk as a kid who just turned 18 and bought a twelve pack of Watermelon Cruisers. Which has made her extra touchy-feely with all the other ladies. Amanda is pissed about it and all “I don’t date these types of girls”, which annoyed me a bit because like, this is just bog-standard drunk messy bitch behaviour! Let you wife be a messy bitch, Amanda.
Luke asks Amanda if she’s jealous. Amanda’s like, well none of these women are gay. Luke – gently and awkwardly to be fair, but still what the fuck – is like “well aren’t all women a bit, like…” What!? All women are a bit gay??? What is happening, you guys.
Anyway that clusterfuck is a minefield I can’t deal with right now. Amanda’s like HAHAHA I’M NOT JEALOUS! I’m annoyed! Which is kind of the same thing in my book but go off Mandy.
Connie is NEXT LEVEL down the other end of the table. She’s come out of her shell, which is sweet. It’s also mildly unhinged. JonEthEn is taken aback but says he likes it, so all is well that ends well unless he is a secret fuckboy and destroys her belief in love forever, I guess.
Hayley and Amanda have a D&M. It leads Hayley to decide she wants to reconcile with David, so she takes him outside and puts him into a kiss headlock. Naturally, it doesn’t go down too well.
When David goes back though he’s a total prick and starts crowing about the scratch on his face because Hayley was coming onto him. Yeah ok, dude. Now you’ve undone all the good work you did by being a gentleman before.
Meanwhile Hayley is totalled, which is obviously when these people are at their best. Ivan goes to talk to her – also, I assume, a bit sloshed – and gets all up in her face about her drama. I didn’t think he was being that bad but Hayley is OFF. IT. She calls him a weasel, then flicks paper in his face and says he’s a c*nt.
Ivan is all “omg she called me a c*nt” to Aleks, who says (wisely) be the bigger person. Instead of listening he just turns back to keep going with the conversation.
It makes Aleks question Ivan – she says she feels he treats everyone else differently to how he treats her. Etc etc, drama is brewing.
So far we can see that Cathy/Josh, Connie/JonEthEn, Steve/Mishel are the strongest MAFS couples. I am not including Michael and Stacey because they are five hundred percent going to implode within the week. We all know it.
