It’s the first round of final vows on MAFS, and that means enduring epic monologues saying shit we already know. Lots of “journey”, “head and heart” and “life changing experience” thrown around, as our couples decide if their partner is a low enough percentage of shithouse to commit to in the future.

First we see how Jonethen and Connie are faring. Jonnie says he’s going to miss “this place”, referring to their serviced apartment dungeon.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
man i’m gonna miss the soulless art pieces and the oven that fits one piece of bread

Connie says she doesn’t want to know what her life is like without Jonethen, and he says it’ll be weird not being around her. Then she says she’s in a head and a heart battle???? Between what her head is saying, which is to walk away, and her heart.

Wait wait wait. I thought we all – Connie included – agreed that we were now just doing this for Old Connie and the journey, and have loud and clear heard Jonnie when he has said, three times now, he wants to leave. Goodness me.

Another couple Having A Time Of It are KC and Drew. KC feels like she constantly has to break down Drew’s walls, and he’ll never accept her for her. Drew basically just grunts a lot.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
“Say ‘BLAGGHHRH’ if you agree and ‘GLAAABR’ if you don’t beb”

Stacey and Michael seem like they’re in a good place, so we get 0.002 seconds of them being in their good place before heading back to Connie and Jonethen. Connie’s reflecting on their time together and sounds absolutely gutted that they didn’t work out. She says she’s always felt they could have.

PLEASE DO NOT BE PREPARING US FOR THE 5,600th ATTEMPT FROM CONNIE TO CHANGE JONETHEN’S MIND AT THE COMMITMENT ALTAR. PLEASE NO.

Everyone heads to their respective homes for some reflection times. It mainly involves staring into the abyss:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
i see dead people

Or staring at highly staged couple photos and then into the abyss:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
i see dead relationships

Everyone’s like oooh I’ve grown so much as a person, etc etc. Connie’s over here making Poison Tea.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
conspiracy for the ages: what was with all the goddamn TEA

Stacey goes to catch up with her best friend, who with NO uncertainty whatsoever is like “Michael’s a flog, run away fast.”

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
are we still seriously talking about that fuckwit

She’s like “I’m absolutely going to be getting texts from you saying he’s screwed up in Melbourne,” which is primo friend-who-is-done-with-your-shit areas. She’s essentially like please, Stacey, for both our sanities leave this man before he swings his dick around again.

Meanwhile,  Drew has decided staring into the abyss is not for him. He’s just gonna WRITE HIS VOWS IN THE PRESENCE OF NATURE.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
just needed the energy of the rocks to articulate some grunts on a page

He says he and KC are on different frequencies, she wants to sit in her nice house and he wants to leap off things.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
BLERGH BLARH GLAAR BRAGHHLHH

Guess who the fuck is back, you guys! RINA OUR LORD.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
WE’VE MISSED YOU, YA SPICY BINCH

She essentially says she never thought Jonnie was right for Connie, and that he probably gave about 60% to the experiment. But she does agree Connie seems stronger and has her self-respect intact, and that she’s really proud of her.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
no no, that’s enough explaining. This experiment was stupid

Then we get Michael and Stacey’s renewing vows or whatever it is event. There is a FUCKTONNE of zany flowers, it’s like the Barbie mansion.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
so that’s where all those dollar store plastic bouquets go

Michael’s speech is pretty expected – Stacey changed him for the better, he loves her. But Stacey’s starts off brutal – she reminds Michael how many times he’s fucked up, and we’re left for an ad break with her saying he destroyed her happiness.

But! When we return, OF COURSE she says they’re strong together and she loves him, and is so proud to leave with him as a couple.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
i can’t wait to find out how long this lasted. an hour? a week plus one day?

Drew and KC are next – they get a much more romantic, less insane setup for their vows.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
looks like the producers also raided the solar lights section

KC starts. She says how connected she’s felt to Drew, but how she always wanted someone who would love her for her. She hopes he does, because she’s not ready to let go of their relationship just yet.

Then Drew starts. From the get-go, shit sounds bad. He’s focusing on how different they are, how they don’t see the world the same way, and that they’re both strong people so he can’t see them changing any time soon. KC’s like:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
oh god, about to be humiliated on national TV

RIGHT at the fucking end, like after the ad break and after 40 years of negatory shit, he says “…but I’m not ready to give up on us yet.” KC looks relieved but also like she wants to rip his balls off for making her sit through that shit.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
*benches mental plan of choking Drew with solar lights*

They kiss, it’s cute, all is well.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
wait are they standing in a pot plant shrine

And of course, the spiciest is last – Connie and Jonethen. He’s missed her while they’ve been separated, she’s going in as a ~strong woman~. She also looks fucking hot as shit – I want this outfit. This is how you do divorced, yet thriving.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
you stomp those little last season Prada shoes at us, honey

She marches down the aisle like the baddest bitch in town, then goes straight into her vows. It’s all like, I put a lot on the line, I fully invested, you checked out, etc. Quite brutal. Jonnie looks a BIT like:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
ok is this just going to be a national roast coz I’ll GO GRAB MY POTATOES THEN

But then Connie continues beyond that stuff, and she explains that while she didn’t find love with Jonethen, she found ~love with herseeeeeeeelf~.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
Alexa play Fighter by Christina Aguilera

As naff as it sounds, I guess as someone who has followed her journey for 40 billion years it IS nice to see her confident and strong at the end of this. She copped a pretty shit situation – being partnered with someone who liked her but didn’t LIKE like her – so to come out the other side not thinking love sucks is probably the best you can hope for. And she did that PLUS rustled up some extra confidence!

Except then it’s Jonnie’s speech time. He says what we all knew – they weren’t a romantic match, but he considers her a good friend and someone who has made him a better guy, both as a romantic partner and as just a dude.

When he finishes, Connie does this really alarming thing where she starts looking hornily at him:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
maybe just a lil quickie for old times’ sake

And starts LEANING IN FOR A KISS, OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING GUYS:

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
the FUCK IS GOING ON THIS WASN’T WHERE I SAW THINGS GOING

And he kind of leans back? Not in like a completely “the fuck are you doing” way, I actually struggled to read the entire interaction – but then a few seconds later they do finish things with this little, chaste kiss so maybe he was like NOT NOW CONNIE, I STILL HAVE THINGS TO SAY.

STILL! Wild stuff.

‘MAFS’ RECAP: Alexa Play ‘Fighter’ By Christina Aguilera For Connie After Those Spicy Vows
this kiss honest to god went for 0.5 seconds

They leave hand in hand, while Connie tells us all she wanted after the last commitment ceremony was to walk off with Jonnie hand in hand, even just as mates. It’s a cute ending for them. Why do I even fucking care. BUT I DO! I LOVE THAT THEY’RE GOING TO BE BEST FRIENDS FOR MAYBE 3 WEEKS.

Tomorrow night! More final vows! When will this show end! Never! NEVERRRR!!!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.