We are so close to the MAFS finish line, I can practically smell the impending teeth whitening sponsorships for these people. Tonight? It’s the final dinner party.

We open with everyone getting ready for the big bash. Michael for some godforsaken reason irons the actual ironing board.

i would love to be in this guy’s brain for 5 minutes

Also I have to say, Stacey has gotten a STRONG RUN from these Valentino heels. Like cost per wear here must be $5 a pop, which is really how we should all be working our wardrobes.

bonus they can be used to slay your enemies

Every couple gets a box. In it, there’s like a USB or something that has their initial audition videos. They’re going to watch the REAL partner they ended up with vying for a spot on MAFS! I love this so hard I might wee a bit.

my energy in self isolation, btw

First up is Michael and Stacey. Michael’s video doesn’t tell us much we didn’t already know – his exact type is Stacey (blonde, fake nails, cosmetic surgery) and he used to be flirtatious with the opposite sex when in relationships. He says he’s a new guy since he’s been with Stacey, and she agrees.

But STACEY’s video is a real treat. First, she tells the producer her expensive shit is courtesy of her ex.

well this is a small dill pickle isn’t it

Then the producer asks her if she’s been cheated on. She says yes. They then ask if she’s ever cheated, and she says yes – in her past relationship, because he had cheated on her.

Michael asks if she still has that tit for tat vibe today, and she says “you tell me” and references the Hayley situation. But since WE know there’s some huge goss around Stacey cheating on the horizon, I think this is all a bit of a prelude for the reunion. Hooooo baby that is a spicy enchilada!

Next up are Jonethen and Connie. Jonnie’s is first, and really the only revelation is that he tells the producer he’s super affectionate when in a relationship – news to Connie, who he told multiple times he wasn’t a PDA guy.

But Connie’s video is like…. guys. If you didn’t get a bit teary watching that, you don’t have a soul. I was like PROPERLY CRYING A TINY BIT. Probably also coz I’ve been stuck inside for god knows how long now as well, but still.

OG Connie is shy and nervous, and seems super, super lonely. Connie on the couch gets extremely emotional watching her audition tape, and you can really see how much this woman has changed over the course of this show now we have a comparison.

my heeeeeart

I wouldn’t sayyyyy I 100% get why she wanted to stick around to finish things?? I feel like Jonnie maybe doesn’t 100% get it either – but she says she did it for “her”, the girl who first auditioned and had no confidence.

Lizzie and Seb are up next. Seb is the same now as he was in his audition tape, but hilariously the producers choose Lizzie’s OG tape!!!! It’s wild!!! Look at her!

look at this tiny BABY

It’s pretty cute – she’s just soooo bubbly but also a BABY. Like, you can tell Lizzie’s grown like you can tell with Connie since then.

On to KC and Drew. Drew’s is mainly about how his ex dumped him eight weeks out from their wedding, but KC’s involves how she likes gifts. Even though she even specifies back then, before Drew started getting up her about it, that it’s not about the amount of cash spent its about the thought, he’s still like ooooop. Red flag!

i will use this tiny throwaway comment from 4 months ago to dump you, I think

On to Mishel and Steve, naturally sex immediately comes up as Mishel told the producers sex is pretty important to her in a relationship. Then we endure another 40 year long monologue from Steve saying basically nothing at all.

let me begin by saying in this essay I…

Also can we quickly discuss Steve’s absolutely ginormous glasses?

Where’s Wally called he’d like his goggles back

His video is far more telling. He immediately says that he ideally wants a partner who is mid to late 30s, and his last partner was 38. His last DATE was 49, and when he got to the bar to meet her he was immediately like “nup”. Mishel’s face says it all, really.

ah yes, you are one of THOSE guys

Moving on to the dinner party. Everyone arrives. This guy dings them into the dining room looking like he’d rather be welcoming a horde of rats.

release me from this torturous prison that smells like Lynx Africa & Britney Spears Fantasy

Before they can even have a chat, Wise Master John galumphs in to tell them they’re all asking their partner really hard questions! How fun! I’d absolutely develop immediate wine heartburn!

Lizzie and Seb are first up. Seb asks Lizzie if she’s falling in love with him. She says point blank “NO.” After an excruciating ad break, she explains that she wants to see how things are with him in the real world before any of that.

Seb is a bit heartbroken but says he understands since he’s never said the L-word to anyone, and Lizzie says she hasn’t either.

Lizzie’s question for Seb is, who has put more effort into the relationship? He kind of just asks her the same thing back, and she says he probably has because he’s really put himself out there for her.

you can pinpoint the moment his heart rips in half

He seems a bit disheartened by their whole convo. It’s clear he’s a BIT more emotionally invested in Lizzie than she is in him, but I mean I feel like of everyone Lizzie’s been the most realistic – it’s been two bloody minutes for them, of course she’s still a bit unsure.

On to KC and Drew. Drew goes first, asking KC what parts of her lifestyle is she willing to give up for their relationship. She says she would fly to Cairns every weekend, if not every second weekend. Everyone at the table is like “IT’S LOOOOVE!” But Drew looks like he’s been smacked across the face by a smelly mackerel.

oh man was really hoping you’d just quietly dump me so I don’t have to lol

It is a SHITSHOW, you guys. The next question KC pulls out is does Drew really think she’s materialistic – and he says yes. He says there’s no problem with that, it’s just not his cup of tea. She’s clearly pissed off, and Steve asks her why.

She says in LA she got caught up in the materialism but she let it go when she moved back to Australia… by selling half her purses (lol mood keeping half. NOT THE VUITTON!). She feels like Drew won’t let it go and see that she’s not that girl anymore.

He has been a bit of a stubborn douche about it all. But I also just think these two are oil and water – all chemistry, zero compatibility.

Michael and Stacey’s bit is so boring that we simply must hope the spicy drama is coming for us in the reunion. SURELY. Because seriously guys, Michael asks her if she would fall for him if he wasn’t financially secure, and she says yes, then he asks what worries her about their relationship and it’s just the “will you slip up again” business. SNOOZE.

On to Jonethen and Connie. Jonnie gets asked if he thinks they are compatible, and then he’s like “yes here are 400 things about us that are the same”. Which is obviously like, can someone throw a frypan at this man’s head to make him see that there clearly WAS something there with Connie?

Then he’s asked what he likes most about her, and he says her laugh. When it’s his turn to ask, the first q is whether Connie has any regrets about their time together. She says she felt she was super neg in the beginning, and also not confident. All true, and she seems really calm saying it… until she says “I think maybe we could have worked out differently if I wasn’t that way.” NOOOOO CONNIE NOT THIS AGAIN! STOP THAT! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE FLOWER WHO DOESN’T NEED JONNIE!

Horny Trisha, my new queen, says to Wise Master John “she’s looking for reasons it didn’t work, she can’t see his flaws, so she’s blaming herself.” PREACH TRISH YOU HORNY MANIAC.

“i know other things besides the word intimacy, ya know”

Honestly, it is so hard watching Total Package Connie dissecting their failed relationship as if she fucked it up, when really they just weren’t right for each other. But like, we’ve all done it. Just sucks to watch.

I mean, the scrapbooks and Misery Walls and all that were a lot, but it’s like how you know that friend who really, really likes board games to a alarming degree, but then they meet a partner who ALSO loves board games to a alarming degree? And you’re like, goddamn their quirky love is pure and gorgeous.

Jonnie then asks the question “do you feel I tried enough” and Connie’s like, no. She also says she doesn’t think he came into the experiment for the right reasons, but does feel he stayed for the right reasons. His face is like:

ok Captain Judgy you don’t know me

Mishel asks her to elaborate and she brings up the whole “I’m affectionate” thing from the interview vid. Jonnie rebuts, saying he thought he was an affectionate partner but learned in the experiment that he isn’t.

But as Wise Master John says, because he can see through time, Connie’s just fucking devastated by their relationship’s demise.

The final question is an ask me whatever, and Connie basically says “I was everything you wanted so why didn’t you fight for it.” It’s HEARTBREAKING GUYS. Ok so I wrote this whole entire story about how much I relate to Connie’s struggle at the end here, I have BEEN THERE and it fucking sucks when you like someone and for no conceivable reason, they just don’t like you back.

Anyway Jonnie’s diplomatic as always, says he just never felt it, and in the end Connie says some stuff but I got distracted coz her hand on his thigh was like, dangerously close to peen territory.

sorry did anyone else see this?

Time for Steve and Mishel to break up! He goes first – how has their lack of sex affected her. NOT GREAT, MY DUDE! But it’s Mishel’s turn that’s most revealing – she asks if her age affected his attraction level to her, and he says no. He says if anything, it’s taught him that he can date older women in the future.

Mishel’s like – IN THE FUTURE???

this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION

Steve kind of fudges past the bit where he said “in future” and they move on to the next spiky as fuck question – are you attracted to Mishel and if not, why?

Steve says he’s not. Then he says it’s growing. Then he says he’s not, again. After everyone badgers him into saying SOMETHING to indicate why he’s not attracted to Mishel, he says “I usually date taller women”. Good save, Steve-O.

Honestly it was a BIT insane to be asking someone to put their finger on what makes them unattracted to someone else. Sometimes you just aren’t! Like, we all see attractive people in life and just simply don’t have a spark with them, fuck.

Also I don’t care what Connie says – Mishel absolutely can take a lot and she is a strong woman, but if a guy said “your ass his gross” as Mishel suggested, you’re going to cry for about ten years.

In the end, Mishel says “you’re just not that into me” and it’s like she’s finally realising that all of his faffing was an indicator of no attraction, not ~something developing~.

Sunday night! Commitment thingies! Connie’s saying something she’s never said before and I really hope it’s not “I love you” to Jonnie and instead some sort of “I love myself” business!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.