You guys, this many nights a week of MAFS is a LOT. I didn’t realise so much happened per episode. I feel like I am currently made of MAFS. My cells only know cheap wedding dresses and weird Hobbit themed ceremonies.
But here we are. Episode 3.
We come back to Amanda and Tash after their wedding night. They’re asked if things got hot and heavy, but Tash says “do you mean Amanda’s body making the bed warm”. Amanda tells the camera no sex happened, unfortunately. She seems genuinely cut she didn’t get down and dirty with Tash on their wedding night. To be fair, my friend Jenna, who is a lesbian, repeatedly tells me one day in “lesbian relationship time” is like a month or something in straight time so maybe it IS weird they didn’t bone.
Tash has woken up feeling like they got all tangled up in the romance of the wedding, which yes, this is absolutely true, that is THE POINT OF THE SHOW, TASH. Sorry did you think you were coming on reality TV to just like, slowly go on a few dates?
Meanwhile Natasha and Mikey had sexual chemistry, via a “few dirty kisses” according to Natasha. She says he’s nothing like guys she’s dated before, noting that he is family oriented and she hasn’t dated anyone like that before. You know who I reckon isn’t family oriented, Natasha?
But I digress. We move on to the 24/7 chatty chatterson Hayley. She says people assume she’s edgy because of the tatts. To show she’s just your regular girl next door, they show her sipping espresso in a cape jacket that should have gone in the bin circa 2012.
She reveals that her teen years were rough. She reveals this over a montage of her cycling.
I don’t know why they continue with the cycling montage as Hayley talks candidly about her drug use teen years, being kicked out of home and crippling lifestyle. But here we are.
She explains that she turned to body building to escape her life of drugs, which is nice. Cue shots of her working out and me eating my Ristorante pizza while dribbling sauce on my top.
They match her up with David, a combat sportsman. FAKE JOB ALERT!
He says he’s won two Australian Muay Thai titles. I still don’t believe this is a job. He also insists on going “ASH ASH ASH ASH” every time he punches a glove, which must get insanely annoying for his instructors.
Of course, there’s a sad story involved – David’s involves spinal surgery he didn’t think he’d wake up from. It meant he had to stop his combat sportsing, so now he has LITERALLY MY TWO DREAM JOBS – BEING A COWBOY AND ALSO DRIVING ROAD TRAINS.
Seriously, I have this life dream of one day driving a road train. Imagine the thrill of being so high up, dragging tonnes of… concrete… behind you on the wide open highways of Australia. Ahhhh, honestly that is the life.
Anyway! Fantasy time OVER! In wild news, he says he doesn’t think his lifestyle is attractive. HELLO, READ ABOVE.
Before we get to see their wedding, we roll over to Vanessa. She’s 31 and her defining characteristic, in her eyes, is her cystic acne. I got SO emotional you guys, when she started talking about it. I get eczema on my face and sometimes my eye swells up, I know how fucking shit you can feel when your skin isn’t good.
Vanessa thinks no one could like “this”, gesturing to her face. :((((( I hate this so much. I hope they give her the angeliest angel from heaven who thinks she’s beautiful.
They give her Chris, a guy who works in sport with disadvantaged kids and so far seems like Coach Taylor but single.
Chris has two little boys and a LOT of children’s toys. Seriously, this room makes me claustrophobic.
Here is my red flag – Chris says he wants to be a protector, and I can’t see Hayley as someone who wants to be protected by a dude. But who knows! Let’s find out on NATIONAL TV!
Meanwhile David choofs off to tell his conservative Christian parents that he’s marrying a rando on TV for no reason. They love this news, obviously.
Buuuut they’ll go to the wedding because they love their son, so all is well in the MAFS world.
Back to Chris, who is prepping for his wedding, including what looks like an alarming NEW skin-destroying fade on top of his existing skin-destroying fade.
While his bride Vanessa is getting prepped, she talks about her acne again. The makeup artist (and all of us, screaming at the telly) is like “you think it’s WAY worse than it is”, but she’s not buying it. I need this woman to find a supportive partner, and if Chris turns into a demon who gives her ANY shit for her skin I will personally rip his ballsack off.
Hayley / David are also prepping, and David has his adorable dog Jasmine with him and says “I wish she could come”. Oh my god, why can’t she.
David has her “with him” in the form of socks that have Jasmine’s face on them. Screeeeeaming, this is too amazing.
We follow David as he heads to his altar, and Hayley as she heads to the wedding. I’m actually starting to get confused about who is marrying who now, does anyone else think Hayley and Vanessa look kind of similar, and David and Chris’ fades blend them into one?
Update: Hayley is marrying David. Okay. We’re back across this. David LOVES Mildly Unhinged Hayley from the get-go, even though she is screaming “oh my god! hi!” to everyone as she stomps across the grass toward the aisle.
He says he likes that she is confident and fun. I hope this continues because HOW CUTE.
You know who does not love Hayley? David’s conservative parents.
They like, PROPER tongue-kiss for their first kiss, which of course went down swimmingly with David’s parents.
Next we have Vanessa heading to the altar, with her absolutely FIERCE MAID OF HONOUR:
Can someone make a spin-off starring this guy and that spicy hairdresser friend of Natasha’s, and they just go to weddings and bitch about everyone? Yes thanks.
The guests roll in, including this person who has definitely chosen the outfit most likely to see her upstage the bride.
I don’t know why this show keeps getting their decor inspiration from The Hobbit, but they’re back at it again.
The first sight bit… does not go well for Vanessa and Chris. He literally looks like he wants to run screaming into the forest and never return.
It’s a weird reaction because Vanessa looks great, and he says as much to the camera. It’s not like she bounded in screaming like Hayley did – which luckily, David liked, but was absolutely more polarising behaviour than simply walking down the aisle calmly.
When it comes to the first kiss, he gives her a peck so quick I can’t even screenshot it.
I literally can’t handle it, I need to move on and thankfully we do – to Hayley and David who are SO loved up and obsessed with each other.
Meanwhile things are still not warming up with Vanessa and Chris. Chris is being, frankly, an absolute buttface. He clearly isn’t vibing Vanessa but he’s making it really obvious, and like grow up dude? You came on a fucking show where you marry a rando, the whole POINT is to be open-minded and see if the attraction grows. Just pull your head in and stop making her feel ugly – she literally says to camera that she feels it’s a “beauty and the beast thing, and hopefully the attraction develops” – she MEANS SHE IS THE BEAST AND THAT IS SO FUCKING AWFUL.
She’s gorgeous and I hate this man so far.
Meanwhile David totally gets it, he says that while he’s never dated someone with such high energy before, “maybe that’s why I’ve been single all this time”. YEAH, EXACTLY. THANK YOU WISE DAVID.
As a side note, Hayley has delightful, good-pal bridesmaids unlike those two demons from last night.
In fact, both brides have LOVELY support friends – over at Vanessa’s wedding, her three besties shut her down when she starts saying she must have been a disappointment for Chris.
To be fair, maybe Buttface Chris isn’t a buttface. He says to his mum and sister-in-the-upstage-dress that he finds her attractive, and says the same to camera. Is he bullshitting us? Maybe. Orrrrr the producers were playing silly buggers with our emotions. Who knows!
Back at Hayley/David’s wedding, we’ve got some beat-boxing.
And a mum who would like to wake up from this fever dream please.
In absolute DECEASED scenes, Dad David starts telling David to get to know Hayley first before “going… getting… in too deep”.
He means the sex.
Back to Vanessa and Chris, they sit down for a chat. Chris tells her about his two kids – I’m starting to think MAYBE the reason he’s been heaps weird for the whole wedding is because he was nervous to have this convo?
Anyway, both couples head off to their wedding nights. I would put money on David and Hayley doing it, but Vanessa and Chris sleep in separate bedrooms!! Which is kind of cute, tbh.
