So it’s time for home stays, which means we are – FINALLY, MY GOD – moving out of the claustrophobic serviced apartments! Do you feel a leap of joy in your soul?? Because I fucking do!
We visit everyone as they prep to leave. Aleks wants to pack her entire wardrobe. Mishel and Steve are on nice, friendly terms – if not romantic ones. Lizzie is panicking at the thought of doing fitness with Seb.
Connie and Jonnie are sitting 4,000 metres apart on their couch, as Jonnie says he still doesn’t think his feelings will return for her.
You know who has really hit the skids? Cathy and Josh. Cathy’s in her Sad Rabbit Hoodie again, and she tells us she really thought Josh was developing feelings, because he texted to say she looked nice in her dress before the commitment ceremony – but then on the couch, said he didn’t think his feelings would return.
It gets really hard to watch when she goes out to chat to Josh. He’s worried about her coming to his place and meeting all his mates – he’s wondering if it’s going to make shit worse, because Cathy is deeply, deeply hurt from the commitment ceremony.
She walks off and cries to the camera, saying “I’ve had so many people leave on me, just do it then”. Oh god didn’t you just want to pick her up in her stupid Sad Rabbit Hoodie and give her a hug?
Finally, we have some Lizzie/Seb drama – Lizzie has walked out on him because he called her unhealthy at the airport when she didn’t want to drink water before a flight? And also said she only eats three things? IDK, seems fucking stupid but I suppose it hit a nerve for her because, obviously, last season was that huge palava with Sam criticising her “health” because she was a size, well, NORMAL.
But first, back to Cathy and Josh. They calm down and Cathy decides she’ll face her fears and go see his hometown. Josh makes her give him a hug, which is lukewarm at best, and she walks off to get ready. I simply cannot take any of this seriously because of Sad Rabbit.
On to the Bro Houses! Yep, everyone’s jetting off to their husband’s homes this week. Which is fantastic news for me, because you just KNOW they’re all going to be bachelor pad chaos, right?
Starting with Jonethen. Look, I’ll give him this – he has house plants.
Anyway, it’s a bit awkward – Jonethen tells the camera he’s sad he hasn’t connected with Connie, because she’s a great girl. He has basically finished the relationship, but also taken Connie to his home town? I can’t decide if he’s a demon for leading her on, or a great guy for not being blunt with her and humiliating her on national TV. Maaaybe the latter – I suppose he could either have had a tantrum that she had said stay, or just gone with it.
Either way it is HARD to watch Connie with her optimism about their relationship, while Jonnie’s totally clocked off.
Then it’s time for Stacey to visit Michael in his real estate showroom. Seriously, is this not one of those fake homes they use to promote housing developments?
Stacey at least acknowledges it’s a bachelor pad, but says she and Michael are at the best stage of their relationship ever, and are a “power couple other people can look up to.” Lol SURELY this woman is taking the piss? God I hope so.
Over to Lizzie and Seb. Seb has a fantastically insane collection of onions displayed on his counter.
Lizzie brings up the comments about health. She does a really good job of staying calm and rational, and not throwing onions at Seb’s head – which is what I would have done.
Seb takes it all in and says he didn’t mean for it to sound like he wanted her to change, it was “coming from a place of health and fitness and care.” Lol this is why I refuse to date personal trainers, you guys. Just let me eat my damn nachos without adding “low cal yoghurt” instead of sour cream.
Lizzie gets over it, but you can tell she’s logging it for potential future reference, if needed. We keep RECEIPTS in this house.
Moving on to KC and Drew, who have headed up to Cairns and into his house which is full of possessed plushies.
KC is alarmed but says she must like Drew if she can handle all these plushies.
Back to The Smunts, who are loving life – and by loving life I mean Stacey is just drilling Michael about everything because, surprise surprise, as much as she says they’re “great” and “in a fantastic place”, she fucking doesn’t trust him.
He suggests swimming, she says she doesn’t have bathers, he says there might be some spare togs – and she is like WHOSE TOGS, HUH?
He then reveals he actually has multiple pairs of spare women’s swimmers, to which Staceys responds “are you some creep who collects the swimmers of exes?”
In the end, she wears footy shorts and her bra to go for a swim, and somehow makes that look super sexy which is rude.
They just sit in what looked like a very cold spa being all ohhh I love you, no I love YOU, yes move your children in here, etc.
Cathy and Josh are next, and Josh’ bedroom has all the bachelor necessities.
The highlight of their trip is Nike, an old angel doggo who shits a lot and has filled the yard with his poo since Josh left, probably in protest.
Josh showcases the literal swamp behind his place:
They’re getting along OK, but the vibe is still very friends-only. Speaking of that vibe, it’s happening for Connie and Jonnie too. In fact, Jonethen is specifically creating “dates” that are friendsy, like learning to skate.
Their friendly date is a bit more romantic than he expected, but honestly… was it?
It definitely looked like just-mates to me. But go off, king.
Meanwhile, Lizzie has let Seb take her for a personal training session, which is a huge mistake. She also has an interesting idea of “activewear”.
Then – I mean how do we unpack this. Seb takes her through the most insane workout I’ve ever seen. He’s making her do a literal crab-walk. Not the fitness technique of squat-walking, like she has to be a crab and he then impersonates a fish she needs to catch.
Then he’s a monster chasing her across a very public park.
I am shocked, shocked I tell you that Lizzie didn’t hightail it to the airport immediately. But no, she lies to us and says it was cute and weird which she likes. SURE, JAN.
Back to Cathy and Josh – they go on a jaunt on Josh’s motorbike, and as they eat by the sea Cathy has a chat about them going to see his family – specifically his over-protective mum. She asks him not to bring up their dirty laundry and blindside her.
So of course, the first thing Josh does is bring up their dirty laundry and blindside her.
He whines to his whole family, all “waah Cathy made me feel bad, waah she ignored me for three days, waah”. Honestly Cathy at this point RUN DON’T WALK, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS BIG BABY AND HIS SCARY MUM.
Even this woman is like please, stop.
Before we get to see the fallout, we check in on everyone else. Mishel and Steve, who we haven’t followed this episode, are getting haircuts at his barber shop. Stacey and Michael are having a respectful family dinner around what is absolutely a kick-ons table.
We go visit Drew and KC, who have taken a little day trip to a HAUNTED WATER HOLE. Seriously, Babinda Boulders is also known as The Devil’s Pool and is notoriously haunted by an Indigenous spirit who lures men into it’s waters. At least, the bit they swim in is – from my memory, at least.
Yep, they plop into the swirling waters and then start making out. It would be cute (minus the whole demonic entity thing) except then Drew says they have a bit of “a shmoochy shmoo” and my entire body goes into lockdown.
But you know, lalala falling in love. Back to Cathy and Josh who are NOT falling in love. They have a tense chat on a very cold-looking beach, which ends with Cathy storming off because Josh says “maybe this is why we are just friends then” regarding Cathy like, making him feel lonely or something. I don’t know, I’m siding with Cathy here – who tells the camera that she feels it’s always her fault.
Will they make it? Probably not tbh and I’ve stopped caring about them. Tomorrow night! Steve brings up his unattraction to Mishel in front of family and friends! Great move, my guy! Can’t wait for that disaster.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
