Wow, it feels like MAFS has been going for about 20 years but really we’re only two episodes into this season. I can’t decide if I love that for us or am watching my life slowly slip through my fingers.
Anyway, time to recap episode 2!
So we come back to the couples from yesterday post wedding night. Poppy’s developed a stunner of a cold sore, which she says is a “reaction to commitment”. If these two stay together and DON’T cop a reality TV real wedding, I’m rioting.
Poppy doesn’t seem stoked on life with Luke, who is BESOTTED with the woman. But hey, it’s likely 6am and there are cameras inside her bedroom zooming in on her fucking cold sore, maybe the woman is just like can I please allow me a shred of dignity in front of my new husband.
Meanwhile, Cathy and Josh The Inseminator are obsessed with each other and already seem like a real couple. They stayed up all night talking – it’s so cute I might vomit in my handbag.
But back to the experts, who are matching up our first MAFS lesbian couple. We meet Amanda, a personal trainer and according to John whatshisname, the “strongest person” we’ve seen on the show. I can’t tell if that means she’s going to be a fucking tornado of chaos or everyone’s fan fave.
I don’t think anyone wasn’t bawling like a snotty little baby when Amanda said “I’m still waiting to know if I’m enough” after saying her European traditional family struggle with her being a lesbian. MY HEART. These experts had better give her the best fucking match or I will kick them all in the dick.
Amanda’s relationship issues are around not feeling good enough – she says she seems to go for straight women, or closeted women who don’t introduce her to their family.
Meanwhile the experts are matching Amanda up and one of them goes “well the one I’m most interested in is 31 year old Tash” and I’m like, you have ONE lesbian woman in the group, guys. She is the only choice you have. Don’t pretend with us, we know. We were here yesterday for the hen’s night with the one singular lesbian woman in attendance.
To meet Tash, we have one of the most bizarre sequences I’ve ever seen on a reality show. It opens with some gel being squeezed out of a tube. And then Tash is gently scrubbing her under arm tatts? What? Why? If you want to be like “look she’s a tatted up badass” just like, show the tatts. Outside of the shower.
Tash’s relationship issues are that people see the tatts and think she’s just a good times girl. So it’s great that the show is focusing on her tatts and making her out to be a good times girl.
The experts call them a “passionate” couple, which means they are expecting bulk fighting, sex and screaming matches. I am not feeling hopeful for my gal Amanda here, or for Tash who seems totally normal even though the show is trying to make her some bartender sexpot with a penchant for shower gel.
But before we get to see them married off, we move on to financial analyst Natasha, 26. She is Very Important and needs to speak on the phone while walking through the rain in heels holding an umbrella.
Natasha’s relationship issues are that she dates older men due to daddy issues. When she was 21, for example, she dated a 42 year old. I really thought they were gonna do a number on poor Natasha and give her that road dog old guy:
But instead they give her Mikey, who I have never seen before in my life. Mikey is successful, we know this because he sits on boats drinking Corona.
Mikey is an Operations Manager, but for his family’s aged care facility which was a surprising curve ball. Cue bulk shots of Mikey gently patty old lady shoulders and yelling in their ears ARE YOU DOING WELL TODAY, GLADYS!?
We get a glorious shot of him quaffing wine alone in his sterile single man apartment, while he says he just hasn’t found the one. Then we get more boat shots – guys, does Mikey have a boat? I can’t tell – talking to his friends about being the last guy off the shelf.
Jokes aside I feel like these two might actually work? But back to Amanda, who is telling her very scary mum who has a very scary severe bun that she’s getting married on reality TV. For most of the convo Amanda’s mum looks this level of perplexed:
We’re given a cliffhanger where it’s like, oh no will Amanda’s extremely traditional and possibly homophobic mother refuse to attend her wedding?? But then she’s like, I support you and all is well.
Back to Mikey and Natasha – it’s their wedding day first, and Mikey has made the grave mistake of wearing what look like GROOM BUDGIE SMUGGLERS under his suit pants.
Then we cross over to Tash/Amanda, and christ on a bike is this episode just trying to give me hayfever? I cried AGAIN when Tash’s adorable dad welled up over wanting his daughter to be happy.
Amanda’s mum rocks up, but tells Amanda her dad couldn’t make it. This leads to more tears from both me and Amanda. Part of me is like, calm down beb this isn’t a real wedding and maybe your dad just doesn’t want to be thrust onto NATIONAL TELEVISION while his kid gets fake married?
Back over to Mikey and Natasha, and we have our first bitchy friend in the form of this fabulous scowling man:
He’s a friend of Natasha’s and immediately says “nup, she’s not gonna like him”. Her other friends who are bridesmaids stomp in really fast (weird) and sit next to this guy, who then says “she’ll eat him alive”. Who is this guy and when can we go get strong martinis and bitch about annoying people we know.
Natasha says a lot of “I need a man that can handle me” and “he needs to not be threatened by me”, and while Mikey’s voice-over is saying “wow, what a beautiful girl” the look on his face screams mummy I’m scared.
But when they actually meet they seem to find each other funny, IDK it’s hard to tell with these two but maybe it’s not the trainwreck I was expecting?
Over to Tash/Amanda, and all of Tash’s friends are loving Amanda SICK. Good sign, good sign.
Of any couple we’ve seen, these two seem the most into it from the get go. The whole photoshoot post-wedding they’re basically making out. At the reception, everyone looooves Amanda, but weirdly the producers keep using these shots of Tash’s bridesmaids looking like they trod in dog shit:
Turns out it’s because Rachel and Ashleeeeeee are a little concerned about Amanda hiding something. They eventually corner Amanda and start grilling her about her intentions. They legit tell the producer they don’t like her, so now I hate them obviously.
You can tell Amanda also hates them, they tell her she sounds manicured in her answers and she’s like “thank you, darling”. Darling – like hun, babe, and honey – is the pinnacle of patronising. FINISH THEM, AMANDA.
It comes out that Amanda had ex issues prior to this show, which is a little bit of a red flag but like mate, everyone has exes? And she was pretty believable when she said she didn’t want to go back to old habits and wanted to try a new type of functional relationship.
Over to the other bitchy friend at Natasha and Mikey’s wedding, who is struggling to sip his champers through his lip fillers. Again – don’t get fillers right before appearing on reality TV, friends! That shit needs time to settle!
We find out bitchy guy is Lincoln, Natasha’s hairdresser. He says that Natasha usually goes for strong guys because she’s a strong woman. In the end it seems like Lincoln’s not 100% sold on Mikey but also not completely off him. He gives Natasha the very sage, very not at all cliche advice of “trust actions not words”, which doesn’t even entirely make sense when it comes to Mikey since he’s really not a smooth talker. But here we are.
Back over with Tash and Amanda, Tash is also super stoked about her match. But of course, Ashleeeeeee and Rachel, the horsemen of the apocalypse, have to choof in and start making her doubt everything. They twist Amanda’s words and imply that Amanda regrets ditching her ex to try being on the show and this marriage, which is not at all what I got from Amanda’s vows but SURE, ASHLEEEE. FUCK SHIT UP FOR YOUR FRIEND.
Thankfully, Tash goes direct to the source and chats one on one with Amanda. She seems reassured and you can really see these two like each other, which is a good start. Love to actually tolerate my new wife!
Meanwhile Natasha grills Mikey’s brother for tea. I would fucking kill my sister if she spilled like Mikey’s bro does – he straight up tells Natasha that Mikey slept in his mum’s bed til he was 9, played “army men” in the shower until Year 9… this would all be grounds for a swift kick in the shins for me.
Like one time when I was a kid I weed in my rollerskates and my sister rolled that shit out for ALL my formative high school years. Siblings are the worst.
To his credit he then talks his brother up, saying he’s really sweet and has never cheated, and that he took his Aunty Lou to his formal over all the other girls who wanted him to go with themmmmmmmm, guys. Am I crying again? NO SHUT UP YOU’RE CRYING.
But then Asshole Bro throws poor Mikey under the bus by telling the entire reception that he’s a gun dancer. To be honest, I don’t think Mikey’s TOO pissed about the revelation since he breaks into some extremely white grooves on the d-floor. Natasha loves it though, telling the camera she thinks she’s found her partner.
Compared to yesterday’s wedding nights, these are at peak cringe. It’s so cringe I want to become one with the underneath of my couch. Tash and Amanda making out under the covers while a camera is basically up their nostrils!?
Mikey slowly undoing the buttons on Natasha’s dress while stroking her “beautiful back”!?
And that’s it! Onward to tomorrow night (JFC) for MORE weddings and MORE bitchy friends, no doubt.
