‘MAFS’ RECAP: Lizzie’s Perfect New Man Also Manages To Crack A Stiffy Just From Kissing Her


We’ve made it to round whatever of the MAFS weddings, guys! The ones they threw in mid-way, probably because they didn’t expect such a mass exodus within one week! Yep, we lost THREE couples in like, five minutes – so let’s bring back Lizzie and some other randoms, right?

But first, we must recap the commitment ceremony. Why? I don’t know. I barely cared. In a nutshell, Michael still thinks everyone hates him and Stacey because they’re sooo much better as a couple. Yeah ok, chief. Also, Connie is suddenly 100% back in with Jonnie and was clearly writing leave on her card as some sort of statement. Super mature. That + emoji situation makes me think Connie’s not ready for a real relationship, but as I have said MANY times, I can’t sustain my own romances so what would I know!

Boring, boring, who cares – on to the weddings! First up is Lizzie – if you watched MAFS last year, you’d remember her as the girl who had been shot in the face with The Simpsons’ makeup gun:

And also as the woman who got her heart ripped out of her chest by her husband, Sam:

Yes, I’m really into The Simpsons gifs today. Anyway! Lizzie 2020 is a brunette, no-makeup makeup type of gal. She tells us everyone thinks she’s this “big personality”, but she just wants to be herself, you guys! Which is “soft and sweet”! IDK, maybe everyone thinks you’re a big personality because you were being a big personality on THIS VERY SHOW FOR SIX WEEKS? Whose fault is that, eh mate?

Anyway, here’s Lizzie being “soft and sweet”.

look at my soft and sweet peasant top

Wise Master John tells Lizzie she’s very brave, and I’m like hmmmmm would we call her brave? IDK no one’s making you go back on this show beb. Just get on eHarmony!

They gift her Seb, a semi-professional AFL player and personal trainer who is monstrously tall and ripped. Because of course they do.

this shot is all we needed to know Seb was ripped and tall

Seb’s life problem is that people stereotype him because he is tall and ripped. I shit you not – he has a cry because people assume he’ll talk on a “more basic kinda level, like footy, pie”. He almost wins me back when he tells us how he was am awkward kid, but then I remember that I ALSO WAS AN AWKWARD KID, SEB, IT’S VERY COMMON.

Seb continues with the too-perfect-to-be-real-surely shit. He’s been single eight years – not because he secretly has a second face on his left buttcheek and when women discover it’s actually his evil alter ego set to destroy them, they run screaming for the hills. No, Seb has been single because he is simply TOO committed. He cannot half-commit, so he hasn’t bothered committing at all in eight years. I personally smell a commitment-phobe, but sure.

Wise Master John is just lapping this shit up, by the way.

my god, i’m a genius

Oh my GOD, guys – then, when Wise Master John asks him why he’s afraid of falling in love, Seb says he’s worried once someone gets past the aesthetic and gets to his core, they’ll find it’s not what they want. And he CRIES as he says this. HE CRIES. The man is surely a robot made by the MAFS producers for Lizzie. Surely.

bleep bloop, commitment, bleep bloop

Before we get to see Seb and Lizzie fall in love, we meet KC. She’s 32 and still calls herself KC. She also used to be a dancer in LA. She tells us she was in a girl band, and in the Pussycat Dolls (not the band, just the burlesque troupe) but that dating in LA sucked.

KC gets Drew, some guy from Cairns who looks like this. I don’t know, I don’t have the capacity to care about any more of these people.

who cares

Everyone gets prepped for their weddings. If Seb isn’t gunning for some sort of hosting role on national TV, I’ll eat my sock – he does some incredibly staged “practice hello’s” to the mirror. Can they at least try and pretend they’re not gunning for acting gigs?

Helloooooo and welcome to WHO DARES WINS!

It’s time for Lizzie and Seb to meet. Of course, it’s perfect with the romantic violins in the background and the producers are basically screaming IT’S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES at us all.

marry me juliet you’ll never have to be alone

Except then Seb starts saying “goose rubbaaaaaa” or “goose flubbeeeeeer” or some shit, and everyone’s like ahahahaha…ha….ha

why are you doing that haha…ha

They do their vows, and Seb realises halfway (as if) that this isn’t just Lizzie some babe he just met, it’s Liz from MAFS last year – he does a shit job of pretending.

Also the other two get married. KC and whatever.

Next it’s the photo shoot. Seb and Lizzie seem to be getting along great, but it’s bringing up bad memories for Liz – never forget how Sam was a douchelord who made comments about her weight!

Still, Seb tells her he saw her on the show last year and was really attracted to her.

ok you can stay

The other people also have a photo shoot. Kidding! They have a photo shoot, but other stuff happens too. Mainly, that Drew asks KC who she lives with, she says her fam, and then she asks him – he falters, before saying “I have… a housemate”. Then, after 4 billion years, he adds that it’s a girl, Jessie.

KC, understandably, is like who TF is Jessie and should I be concerned – to the camera, not him thank god.

can we please not talk about Jessie my live-in girlfriend whomst I love

Over at Lizzie and Seb’s reception, everything is going swimmingly – except for Lizzie’s mum who is stink-eyeing the wedding table.

fuck up my kid I’ll cut your balls off

Lizzie’s mum grills Seb like a seasoned ASIO detective, and in the end she says he “appears” to be genuine.

Over with Drew and KC, trouble is brewing. Namely, that KC is suss on Drew. Why is he single and hot and tall? Turns out he was in a relationship for years, and eight weeks before getting married she called off the wedding. KC finds this honest and reassuring that he admits it. I say his face looked like he’d just seen a thousand puppies get kicked. RED FLAG, KC. THE MAN SEEMS NOT ENTIRELY OVER IT.

plot twist it was my live-in girlfriend whomst I love, Jessie

Over at Lizzie and Seb’s wedding, and Seb has to make everything weird by doing a solo Peter Garrett dance for no reason.


Later, he takes Lizzie aside to tell her earnestly he’ll never cheat on her or betray her, and she’s there just like:

yeah lol we’ll see mate

Then they kiss for 0.002 seconds and I’m pretty sure Seb gets a stiffy. Like, he is very, very uncomfortable and keeps stopping the kissing to laugh and go red. A STIFFY. I mean, I’m pretty sure it was a stiffy, it’s not like the camera guy zooms in on his tented crotch. An implied stiffy.

Anyway, both couples go off to their first night’s together – even though Drew saunters into the bedroom in just a towel, KC says she’s not going to get excited because she feels there’s nowhere to go after that. Over with Lizzie and Seb…

let’s play make the stiffy

Tomorrow night there’s drama! Steve doesn’t think Mishel is attractive! JonEthEn finally claps back at Connie!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.