Hoo boy, first episode of MAFS after Wednesday’s car crash of a dinner party! Naturally, the commitment ceremony tonight was going to be major – will Stacey forgive Michael! Will Hayley tackle David to the ground and make him eat her actual shit! Will Steve peel off his toupee and reveal his true identity as Wise Master John!
Sadly, only one of those three things happened. But let’s start at the beginning. The first person we revisit is Hayley. She’s cross-training with purpose alongside her friend, The Vein. Hayley, as someone else who suffers from The Vein when angry or stressed, I feel you.
The producers do a truly beautiful, melodramatic fade-over of the dinner party shenanigans, like Hayley is not pumping iron, but pumping anger through her cardiovascular system.
She sits on her balcony afterwards for a contemplation power smoothie.
People prep for the commitment ceremony. Jonnie and Connie still have shit going on in their relationship, because Connie is STILL mad about the time JonEthEn went boozing and not bowling.
For fuck’s sakeeeeeee let it gooooo. Compared to the other couples, Jonnie’s fuck up barely registers on the fuck up scale! And I’m sorry, but are we not going to discuss how Connie committed the ultimate Couple Argument Crime by texting a pass agg emoji, then getting the shits when Jonnie couldn’t read her mind that it was, in fact, a pass agg emoji? UGH.
Anyway, the guys and girls assemble separately for the commitment ceremony. Josh tells Steve and Jonnie that his relationship with Cathy is still on the rocks. Cathy says the same to the girls.
Steve, aka John in a toupee, dishes out the quality relationship advice because he is, as us conspiracy theorists know, secretly John planted in the experiment.
Ivan, David and Michael are weirdly in another compound, and Michael is sweating balls.
David has found another ridiculous outfit and has no remorse about the toothbrush incident.
Michael says he’s going to write leave so Stacey can decide if she wants to stay. Stacey tells the girls the deeper issue, cheating allegations aside, is that Michael went out on the town when he promised her he wouldn’t.
Everyone walks into the room. I clenched when Hayley sat down next to David.
Aleks and Ivan are up first. They are grilled by Horny Trisha about their ~intimacy~ and ~chemistry~, you can literally see her busting out of her skin hoping for some intercourse.
Even though I thought Ivan and Aleks sealed the deal the other night, it turns out they just pashed. Which, as Aleks explains, is a big deal for her – totally fair. But far less exciting for us all, obviously. Nothing stirs the loins like people you don’t care about having mediocre sex then talking about it on national TV, eh! Eh! They both decide to stay.
Next up are Josh and Cathy. Josh says he’s feeling like things have gone to shit, Cathy says her walls are up. Wise Master John tells Cathy she needs to explain why her walls go up, so in turn Josh will be more empathetic. I also feel like Josh could just fucking ALREADY GET IT since I feel like Cathy’s been very vulnerable about her insecurities and issues in past relationships, but hey – I’m not going to Hayley-Dr-Phil this situation.
They both decide to stay and work on their stuff.
We move on to Natasha and Mikey, who I had completely forgotten about. Sorry! Missing the dinner party will do that to ya! I just don’t care about them anymore, so someone had better get surprise pregnant or like, throw the other person’s belongings off the balcony if they want my attention again.
In a WILD TWIST, however, they both vote to leave! I was shooketh to the core, friends – I really thought that a) they weren’t doing that badly as a couple and b) they both were famewhores looking for the Insta attention that only (ahem Martha ahem) comes (ahem Lizzie ahem) from sticking around on this show to the very end.
It’s quite a beautiful thing, really – maybe some of these people ARE here for the actual experiment, which gives me hope in my heart that we aren’t just breeding the next wave of teeth whitening promoters. Both Natasha and Mikey are super mature about the fact they’re not suited. LOVE.
We then get Steve and Mishel. I thought they’d just be in the gluttony of love, but apparently Mishel propositioned Steve for sex “to get it out of the way”, and Steve hated being propositioned. He wants to take their intimacy slow, because he’s 52 and doesn’t feel the need to have sex just for the sake of it.
I’m equal parts YES KING and YES QUEEN on this – Mishel has a point, just do it so it’s done, also fuck yeah women taking the initiative and not playing into dumb virgin/whore dichotomies. But Steve’s values are fair as well and no one should be pressured into sex. Which is… exactly what the experts subsequently do? They basically tell Steve his relationship has stalled because he won’t fuck Mishel.
Steve counter-points that, explaining how far they’ve come in a week, and that he flat out will not be pressured into sex. YES KING ROUND TWO. Stacey rolls her eyes and like…
In the end, the experts clarify that they don’t mean SEX necessarily (but also do the sex they plead with their eyes), nice hand holding will suffice! Mishel and Steve walk off holding hands. Please make it out of this thing, you guys.
Moving on to Hayley and Michael. Oh man. I can already tell they’re just going to stay together from the minute they sit on the couches. Naturally, the experts immediately bring up the whole did-Hayley-and-Michael-kiss business. Michael is now just flat-out denying it happened! He’s still using the “waaah I don’t rememberrr” excuse, but with added “I’d remember that” to spice things up.
Hayley, from the couches, interjects to say they did kiss. Wise Master John then asks Stacey if she feels Michael cheated on her, and she brings up the “I’m a lawyer, I work with facts” excuse to let his behaviour fly. I’m sorry, but let’s get Facts Only up in here, shall we?? He’s mean, he’s a liar, he has repeatedly gone against his word to you. AND, sorry Stace, he fucking cheated on you! After three weeks of a relationship! There you go, Mrs. Lawyer. Thank you NEXT.
Michael’s just like blah blah fucking blah bullshit bullshit until Mishel, in outstanding scenes, interrupts to tell him how full of shit he is, and how Stacey needs to bin him because he’s making a fool out of her. YES MISHEL! FINISH HIM! FINISH HIMMMMMMM.
Michael goes back to bullshitting Stacey, saying how in love with her he is, how he’s never met anyone like her.
In what are surely staged scenes, Michael predicts Stacey will write leave, so he writes stay. She did in fact write leave, but seems totally fine to stay, like she kind of cries but she doesn’t throw her ring on the floor and have a tantrum like Mishel did last week. I CALL BULLSHIT! These two can have each other tbh, what a shit show.
Anyway, over to Connie and Jonnie. Connie is going on and on about how bad their relationship is (I feel like it’s good?) and how she can’t get past the argument about bowling. I feel like Jonnie is just:
I genuinely have no fucking idea what is going on with Connie – she seems to be getting SO SO intense over what are very minor issues, right? Like I am the poster girl for making a mountain out of a molehill but Connie’s getting like, ANT hills and turning them into dramas.
Anyway, it’s all turned to shit for them. Connie writes leave, shockingly, which throws Jonnie completely – he says he’s heartbroken. He’s written stay because he didn’t think anything was wrong with their relationship. Oh god guys it’s all bad. How the fuck is he going to make it work with Connie when she wants to leave? He literally asks her that. She says “I dunno, maybe it can” WOW.
We move on to our final shit show. The peak shit show. The shit show to end them all. A literal show, about shit. Hayley and David.
The experts ask them to recap things for us – David starts with the movie night, where Hayley was interrupting and he got annoyed about it. I forgot that even happened! Anyway, we move on to the Michael/Hayley kiss, which David thinks was a play to get a new husband in the experiment. Hayley vehemently denies this.
Hayley then brings up the toothbrush. She loses it at unremorseful David, calling him abhorrent, a lowie (???) and a creme de la crumb (???????). What are these words.
Eventually they’re asked for their decision. David writes leave. But HAYLEY writes STAY! Hayley! Writes stay! Slap my kneecaps and call me Gerald! It’s chaos. The entire room is in shock. Why the hell would Hayley want to stay with someone who scrubbed their skid marks with her toothbrush.
Her reason? She wants to make David pay for what he’s done. Apparently by… making him stick around in the experiment until he dies? Living off rice and beans in his claustrophobic serviced apartment? I don’t know, guys. Who fucking knows anymore.
Stacey screams at her from across the room, calling her a hypocrite and being like “I WROTE LEAVE!” oh hun, we all know you planned that with Michael. Its chaos – Steve pipes up when Stacey says “no one even likes you” to say that he, in fact, considers them both friends (YES KING). Stacey tells him to pipe down, he says I won’t thank you very fucking much.
Eventually Wise Master John interrupts to tell Hayley and David that their relationship is so toxic, it’s not even fit for MAFS. They’re outta here! Booted unceromoniously even though Hayley wanted to stay. Wild stuff.
Tomorrow night, thank god, we have some new couples! I never thought I’d welcome Lizzie’s return, but here I am hoping for at least one couple to root for.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
