Hooooo boy, folks. I can’t even articulate what I just saw go down on MAFS. I mean, there’s a lot to unpack. Toothbrush issues are obviously at the top of the pile, but man. Man man man.

But first we have to get the full back story. We need to revisit our jilted lovers. For anyone without context – in last night’s episode, David realised Hayley was out on the town with none other than Michael, Stacey’s husband.

Now, David has taken his ring off!!!

not the $39.99 Prouds special!

He’s texted Stacey while she’s been away with her kids in Adelaide, and now she’s kicked Michael out of their apartment!!

“hey guys can you just text each other some shit, yeah add some spelling mistakes make it look legit”

She says she isn’t sure what the truth is at this stage, but if Michael’s cheated on her, that’s it for them. It’s over – O-V-A-H.

Everyone preps for the dinner party. Ivan and Aleks talk about their first pash – my lord. Sorry, but I’m a bit like if you’ve only gotten to pash stage NOW, you’re just mates my dudes. Even shy Connie has pashed Jonethen!!! Guys!!!

i love you MATE like, you’re the best MATE, PAL

Natasha and Mikey say they’re skipping the dinner party because their relationship is too fragile and can’t handle the drama. Whatever, don’t care.

Meanwhile, Michael explains what happened on his night out with Hayley (in VERY vague terms), saying he’s going to try and win Stacey back at the dinner party. Uh oh.

Before we get to the dinner party though, we’re treated to Stacey confronting Hayley about what the fuck went down the night of the alleged hook up. Hayley, weirdly, thinks she’s doing Stacey a service by telling her she hooked up with Michael?? It’s like she thinks because she’s talking privately to Stacey, she’s all good in this situation? It’s wild to watch.

yeah i lapdanced with your husband but we’re all good yeah?

Stacey keeps her cool in their convo but to the producers, she’s all “she has no idea what’s coming for her, she’s a scumbag, how dare she.” Folks, this is a SMUNT Hayley is dealing with here! A demon from the demon couple! She is no idiot. She’s playing Hayley like a fiddle.

u dead

We cross to David, who for no reason whatsoever has chosen to wear… THIS.

WHAT
THE FUCK
IS HAPPENINGGGGG

Why is he dressed as a large vomit? Like an ageing bank teller who has gone to Atlantic City to try his luck at blackjack? Like a born-again Christian youth pastor trying to be “with it” to relate to the teens?

We then cross to Hayley, who tells us – FINALLY – about toothbrushgate. In case you haven’t been following the gossip outside of the show, we knew from a promo that David would be using Hayley’s toothbrush at some point to clean the toot. Now, Hayley tells us herself – she says Mishel alerted her to the story, thankfully before she used the toothbrush.

There it is, the poopbrush

She wraps it up and puts it in her handbag (!!!) saying she’s got “an ace up her sleeve tonight”. Oh god what is she going to do, force it into David’s mouth? Swirl it in his drink? WHAT!!!?? I CAN’T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!

Ivan and Aleks are the first to the party. Then David walks in and tells them the rumour, which they obviously already know – but the EXPERTS don’t. They’re shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

well, fuck, we’re shit at our jobs

Steve and Mishel arrive, and they’re all cute and loved-up now. It makes me so happy. I think they’re both hotheads, maybe. It honestly seems like she’s left all the dramas from last week behind and is obsessed with Steve again.

CUTEEEE

Then – Hayley rocks up. She point-blank ignores David but goes around saying hi to everyone else. When she sits down, Ivan asks her about what’s going on, and she gets everyone to listen up while she admits that yes, she’s hooked up with Michael – but she’d prefer to talk about it in-depth once everyone is there.

Aleks says while she respects Hayley for having the guts to admit it, she’s pretty off the whole situation. She doesn’t condone cheating.

Steve then goes to chat to Hayley. He asks how she is, and she tells him about the toothbrush. This is the first the experts have heard about toothbrushgate and they are REVOLTED. Mel calls it “vulgar and aggressive”. David looks like a fucking moron at this point.

Stacey walks in, tense as fuck. Then Michael arrives. Jonnie & Connie are me whenever I get a “not being a bitch, but…” text from my friends.

Tag yourself I’m JonEthEn with a dash of Connie’s “i’m gonna pretend i don’t love drama”

He just says hi to everyone, then they all head into the dinner party. The producers know what the fuck they’re doing, you guys. They are ON it:

look at that FKN SEATING PLACEMENT

Ok. OOFT. OOFTY TOOFTY BALOOFTY. What am I even saying right now? I don’t even know??? Because shit just hits the fan and splatters across the room like Steve’s gastro toot excursions earlier in the week.

Michael stands up. He wants to make a statement about the “allegations” (lol mate it’s not a court room) against him. He says he went out with Hayley, Vanessa and Chris (RIP) and they got drinking. They drank heaps, and he was flirting and dancing up on Hayley.

Then he says he “can’t remember” a lot about the night, but he DID NOT kiss Hayley.

i am not drunk enough for this shit

Hayley, naturally, claps back. She says they absolutely did kiss. He says “do you honestly think we have a romantic connection?” in this super patronising way – fuck off you SMUNT – and Hayley is like “not at all. But did we have a party pash? Yes”.

I’m sorry but fucking YES Hayley! Both of these people are absolute pricks, but at least own your shitty behaviour instead of palming the blame off onto someone else.

We get to a stalemate. Michael says nothing happened. Hayley says they made out and he knows it. Everyone is bewildered, then David gets up and says he believes every word about their hook up.

Then Stacey pipes up. She tells everyone else to shut up, and goes for Hayley. How dare Hayley betray her friend and all the women here after she made a pact not to cheat with any of their partners (fair). How dare she think she can get Stacey on her side after doing that (fair). How dare she do this to Stacey after Stacey let her use her oven to make her banana bread (iconic). How dare she take advantage of “vulnerable” drunk Michael (WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?)

“How dare you let poor Michael make out with you”

I’m sorry, is this 1955? Are we really blaming the Other Woman for what is two-person behaviour? Thank fuck all the other couples are like “ummmm no”, because otherwise I’d think I was taking crazy pills.

Stacey asks all the wives if they feel they can trust their partners around Hayley now. They’re like, mate leave me out of this. Hayley says “well what about whether any of the husbands trust Michael around their wives? It goes two ways!” Again, everyone’s a bit like… can we be excluded from this narrative please.

Stacey then goes back in on Hayley – she says anyone siding with Hayley now is just as bad. Wot??? What is even happening? The experts are baffled. At least they can see this is completely unfair. Mel’s like “Michael’s just getting off scot free here”.

Everyone peels off to talk in smaller groups. JonEthEn says he doesn’t trust Michael, and Aleks agrees. Hayley overhears them and Aleks tells her she doesn’t condone what she did, but she believes her story, because she’s clearly emotional about it.

no Cathy just elbowed me in the boob actually

Ivan – AN ANGEL, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN – backs Hayley, saying she did the right thing being honest and she didn’t deserve to have all the blame heaped on her.

ok but just gonna say it, please shave the chin beard

Ivan and Steve have a chat and both agree Hayley’s fundamentally a good person, and didn’t deserve to have all this shit heaped on her. Steve talks to Stacey and point blank says Michael should be responsible for his own actions, regardless of whether he’s a party boy or not. YES STEVE GO IN.

Michael comes over and talks to David. Why is David suddenly GROSS? He’s like “I’ve got nothing by praise for ya” because he’s salty about Hayley. Which is kind of fair enough but he’s gone from loveable country sweetheart to like, creepy farm weirdo with no soul.

He tells Michael he’s thankful he revealed Hayley’s true colours, and Michael sees that as an opportunity to save face, saying “she’s a full on liar, hey”. But David’s like, well no… I think she’s telling the truth, I just don’t care about the cheating because I hate her.

ummmmmmmmmmmm no you’re the liar

Hayley comes back in, sits down. Tucks the toothbrush (!!!) into her dress, with no explanation. Ohgodohgodohgod what is going to happen. Aleks – in a rare, get-involved-in-the-drama move – says to Stacey that she can’t believe she’s letting Michael off for this. Hayley says Michael’s making a mockery of Stacey. Stacey’s crying. Michael is staring daggers at Aleks.

shutupshutupshutuppppp

FINALLY, Stacey (kind of) lays into Michael for betraying her. She says he’s the first guy who FaceTimed her kids besides their own father. That he made her cry in front of her four year old. That he was meant to be making it up to her with the no-partying, but he ended up partying anyway. Regardless of whether the kiss happened (as if it didn’t tho), she feels totally betrayed.

It’s not REALLY to the level of how she went in on Hayley, but at least it’s something I guess.

Then David – CHAOS – stands up and starts telling OTHER couples how good they are? And doling out the Dr Phil advice? Mate, you are hardly in a place to give advice, and also no one cares. Everyone looks supremely uncomfortable.

oh no, please stop now

This is when Hayley unleashes… THE TOOTHBRUSH. She whips it out, then throws it (!!!) at David, and tells everyone how not only did David use the toothbrush in the toilet, she was sent a video of him doing it by someone on the table (totally Mishel, the queen).

We then get to see the video as she shows it to the table. Everyone is outraged. David looks unhinged – I don’t think he even thinks he did the wrong thing.

the only mistake here is how no one has complimented my shirt

It is FOUL. It’s so foul, in fact, we aren’t even given the full view of what and how he scrubbed the toilet bowl. We just see the horrified faces of the experts.

I genuinely think Mel threw up a little in her hand

No one is impressed. In fact, even MICHAEL tells the producers he doesn’t think anyone deserves that. Everyone is like, bro you could have made her PROPERLY GRAVELY ILL.

David laughs and says it’s a practical joke, and he’s done worse to his mates. Everyone just stares at him. I am now convinced he might be a psychopath?

David has become the true villain at the dinner party table, and storms off shaking his head side to side like a creepy possessed doll.

i’ll find someone who appreciates their toothbrush being rubbed in shit, you’ll see

Back at the dinner party, Hayley breaks down. She feels embarrassed – I think primarily about the fact David used her toothbrush in the toot, but also from all the yelling.

I actually legit felt bad for her here

Stacey takes Michael outside for a chat. She sits stone-faced while he says how much he’s fucked things up, and then makes a DECLARATION OF LOVE (!!!), saying he’s loved her since the honeymoon, and he can’t imagine her not in his life. She starts crying, but fuck me I hope she doesn’t forgive this flog. Seriously.

WHAT A RIDE, YOU GUYS. On Sunday? A commitment ceremony, Hayley yelling stuff at David, drama drama drama.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.