MAFS has been, I hate to say it, a bit of a snoozefest this week. Just a lot of tepid arguments and boring “problems” that get resolved within one episode, you know? It happens to all the reality shows. BUT! Thankfully! This episode really throws some of that scary inferno wood on the fire, big time. But first, let’s recap.

We’re on to the second batch of couples meeting their folks. But first, we check in with two people we’ve never seen before in our lives (Chris and Vanessa), who are now sleeping in separate beds – even though Chris has recovered from the flu.

Vanessa complains they they feel more like roommates, and that she will never be enough for Chris. While she’s cooking we’re treated to this stellar shot that flat-out PROVES the producers have locked these people in solitary confinement, IMO.

has it been ten years

Anyway, turns out the beigest couple in this year’s experiment FINALLY have some tea. Not only is Chris now a couch sleeper permanently, he leaves Vanessa to do all the cooking while he choofs off to the gym. She is ropeable (as I would be, too).

that smoke is me burning all your possessions

Cathy and Josh are still on the outs, too – so we have another couch sleeper.

ok the physio bills are going to be huge on this show

Josh has a talk with Cathy about how he should have responded to her jealousy, and they seem to mend things a little.

Over at the Harbour Bridge (??) Vanessa meets up with Dr. Phil for some advice on her relationship.

it’s me, Dr Phil

They bitch about their shit husbands, it’s pretty uninteresting. Over to Ivan and Aleks, who are bringing all their mates and fam together for lunch. Including the star of this show, our very own Shirley Bassey ladies and gentlemen:

SHE’S BACK BABEY!

Yep! We welcomed back Ivan’s mum. I am literally obsessed with this woman. She’s the best relative on this show, hands down. Immediately, she launches into Horny Trisha areas, asking them if they’ve been intimate, is it hard NOT being intimate, and so on. DEAD.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Ivan’s parents tell the producers “why go on this show if you want to keep things private?” PREACH, OLD PEOPLE.

Soon everyone at the table (!!!) is asking them if they’ve fucked. Aleks says she doesn’t talk about her sex life with her parents. Ivan says he’s literally never had HIS parents ask him that stuff with past girlfriends. It’s all absolutely fantastic, cringetown USA shit.

maybe if i ask them about their sex life they’ll shut up

In the end, both Ivan and Aleks say they’re on their way to falling in love. Awwwww. I genuinely do want to see them fall in love – goddammit, this show is getting to me!

We head over to see how the randoms are doing. Chris tells the producers that cooking is Vanessa’s stress release!!! Did you know!!! And the gym is his! So he SHOULDN’T interrupt her cooking, no no, he should go to the gym and let her do it. He bases this idea on absolutely no evidence from Vanessa, like, I don’t know, “I really love cooking.”

i could tell she loves cooking bc she was all tense and red and yelling at me.

Their fam and friends arrive. A train conductor is also present.

choo choo

Things get tense when Vanessa and Chris start talking about alone time. Vanessa wants more time together, Chris doesn’t. There’s an awkward silence, and then the train conductor says things seem weird with them – are they attracted to each other, do they want to rip each other’s clothes off. Vanessa says she feels that way toward Chris, but he doesn’t feel that for her.

I forgot to mention, the lettuce casserole has made a return somehow.

seriously did someone gift these people a “how to pretend dead lettuce is a meal” cookbook

Meanwhile the train conductor is getting very stressed.

if we don’t leave now we’ll miss the 8.45am express

In the end, Vanessa confronts Chris – she says she’s always said she was in the MAFS experiment for him, she liked him, but he’s never said it to her. She storms off.

Everyone else tells Chris how much Vanessa likes him, and he breaks down in tears – he essentially explains he’s not as touchy feely as she is. This woman looks like she wishes a sinkhole would open up beneath her.

i don’t even know these people i’m but a hired actor

We revisit Aleks and Ivan, who are making out at the dinner table. Which means that yes, we get to see more of Ivan’s deeply alarming kisses.

oh no, I just ate an egg sandwich

They continue the kissing in bed, so I think we ALL know what’s about to go down.

Before we see if these two fucc, we go to Cathy and Josh. This HAS to mean drama is afoot with them. Finally, someone on MAFS is making a palatable meal! Cathy’s doing green curry.

MAFS
Thank god

Everyone galumphs in. Cathy’s two besties arrive, as well as Josh’s mum and INSANE Aunt who I already adore. As soon as they sit down, she asks if they’ve “bonked”. When Josh says they have, she screams – ADORE HER.

MAFS
O B S E S S E D

Everyone’s like blah blah you guys have so much chemistry etc etc. But then Josh brings up their dinner party jealousy situation and Cathy’s like:

MAFS
the fuck are you doinggggg

Josh literally launches into a big waahhh woe is me, she’s ignoring me, she puts her earphones in complaining sesh while his mummy has her arm across his chair protectively.

MAFS
mummy she was mean to me

To be fair, Josh’s mum is pretty empathetic with Cathy, understanding her cheating trigger issues and her upset over Josh threatening to leave the experiment. But my god, this is some awkward as FUCK lunch convo. I get that this show’s entire premise is constantly airing your relationship dirty laundry, but these two are talking AT each other, you know? They’re not conversing, this is just point scoring.

Josh is all, ohhh you don’t want to do anything with me, I tried to order Uber Eats and you say no. His mum asks how long Cathy’s been ignoring him, and he says three days.

MAFS
Do not IGNORE MY SON

I wouldn’t say Josh’s mum loses her shit at the news her precious baby boy was ignored for three days, but I also wouldn’t NOT say that? She starts saying “don’t ignore my son ever again, not here where he doesn’t have his family.” Yeah ok mummy.

Eventually everyone around them agrees they just need to talk and stop being shits to each other.

We move on to Mikey and Natasha, who have taken their friends and family to a conference room, I think.

MAFS
this is a top sydney restaurant, yep super exclusive

Chaotically, Mikey launches into a discussion about the ten seconds in bed convo. Why would you bring that up in front of your PARENTS!? He and Natasha get into an argument and Natasha’s dad is like:

did i forget to put the alarm on

After being painfully bored, he ends up giving his two cents – it’s not working, they’re struggling through a stage that he reckons is meant to be light and happy. He says they should just cut their losses with MAFS and keep their dignity.

but my influencer careeeeer

Natasha storms off crying. Probs because she can see her Pretty Little Thing X Natasha capsule collection going down the drain along with the demise of her relationship. Her mum pulls Mikey aside to explain her personality and how when she’s insecure she can shut down. It seems like a positive convo where Mikey asks for advice on how to deal with that side of Natasha.

We go back to Cathy and Josh who are having a tense convo at the dinner table. Cathy feels she was attacked at the family lunch, while Josh feels all went fine, actually.

i just wanna see the cowgirl outfit again

In the end they kiss and make up, as we all knew they would.

You know who are not kissing or making up or even touching hands? Vanessa and Chris. In the most action-packed scenes we’ve seen from them this entire season, they mutually decide to end their marriage. Chris packs up his shit while Vanessa gazes into someone else’s apartment building.

ooh they’re watching Love Actually

I can’t tell if they’re both fucking off right NOW, or if Chris is just choofing into another apartment until the commitment ceremony? Who knows. Who cares!

We go over to Natasha and Mikey – they make up. Why did I rush through that? Because in the best MAFS twist OF ALL TIME, the minute I thought this snoozefest episode was wrapping up we’re hit with a doozy. David’s lying in bed bathed in creepy TV light like a serial killer:

this isn’t alarming behaviour at all

Because his wife Hayley is apparently out on the town in Darling Harbour (lol) with none other than MICHAEL THE DEMON. Yep, one half of The Smunts is cosying up to Hayley, and reports are coming back to David that they’re “macking on”.

He delivers a truly unhinged to-camera piece about this, before saying “it’ll all come up at the dinner party, and I am calm because I just want to go home.” YIKES.

What a fantastic end note to tonight’s episode, mates. Can’t wait for the binfire of a dinner party tomorrow!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.

Image: MAFS