‘MAFS’ RECAP: Poppy Spirals Into The Abyss After Realising This Was Perhaps A Mistake

Hoooooooo boy guys! We’re back in MAFS land, which means the majority of our week is taken up with watching attention-seeking future Instagram celebrities (“celebrities”) scream in each other’s faces and steal spouses who are soft 5/10’s at best.

This year, I – Mel, Managing Editor in Sydney for Pedestrian.TV – am doing recapping all on my owney after my Editor Josie rudely decided to go on something called “maternity leave” so she could “care for her child”. No worries Josie I’ll just manage our other baby, reality TV recaps, while you replace me with a miniature version of yourself!

Anyway, I’ve never been a die-hard MAFS fan but I am a die-hard “people being fuckwits on national television” fan, so I’m sure I can really get into this on a deep, alarming level for you. Sorry to everyone else in my life who now has to endure my incessant rants about fucking Bonita and her bad teeth veneers!

So we start this episode with all the dramatic music, and a bunch of people cruising around in cars while staring thoughtfully out the window. The first woman says she has twins and her giant pram is a literal cock blocker. The second has absolutely had lip fillers one week before filming and is still getting used to them:

better chew down the lumpy bits before the big cameras get here

This woman, I predict, will absolutely get completely steamrolled by her spouse – she already seems FAR too naive and sweet for this program, judging just off her mousey little sweet angel voice and terrified stare.

oh god someone get the in-house psych ready for this woman

So the first person we actually meet with a NAME is Cathy. She’s 26 and is a “Logistics Investigator” which is the most made up job I’ve ever heard of in my life. Either that or it’s a job inside ASIO, in which case Cathy, hire me. I’ll tell everyone I work in landscaping, and I won’t give out national secrets. I promise.

Cathy is immediately my favourite person on this show because she walks into her Hen’s Party, sees the food, goes “ooh, food” and just starts hoeing in like she’s signed up for this show for the free shit and the free shit alone. MOOD, CATHY, WE STAN A CANAPE QUEEN.

if you know what’s good for you Cath-dog you’ll take the entire salami tray, that’s the good shit

Cathy says she’s single because guys like dainty women and she’s a galumphy mess. As a fellow galumphy mess, I relate – but also I will never, ever go on a show where someone just marries me off to a random dude who they say is my perfect match, but has actually been selected to piss me off on every level that exists! But you do you, Cath-dog. She seems like someone who would welcome my new nickname for her, so it’s sticking. Cathy, I’ll allow you to call me Mel-dog in return.

This woman rocks up with no explanation:

who the fuck are you, just some random here to steal the canapes

And then we move on to the Buck’s party, with David, 31, truck driver and possessor of a fade haircut so extreme he just has a mohawk now:

“just a negative 5 fade all up the sides, if it doesn’t bleed you didn’t do it right”

He’s also there with randos, who I have now worked out are other husbands and wives. There’s a potentially hot one:

can’t 100% tell yet but it’s promising minus the shoulder cardi

The next person we properly meet is Aleks, New Lips Girl.

just need a straw at all times please

No shame on lip fillers but WHY do these people always seem to get them right before filming? Like, at least give yourself a few months to get used to them doll. That is all I’m saying.

Aleks is a 26 year old real estate agent who immediately starts thrusting her wine glass in the other women’s faces yelling “PRAY FOR MOIE IN THIS EXPERIMENT BECAUSE OIVE NEVER LIVED WITH A MAN” – yes, all with a Kath Day-Knight accent.

She then switches tone entirely to a sickly sweet “hello, competition” voice as this woman walks in:

ah, fuck

She’s clearly been set up as the bombshell judging by the eons more fancy outfit compared to Aleks, Cathy and Rando.

Next we have Michael, 28, “Company Director”. He’s absolutely going to be company director of an app where he is the only employee, and also the app already exists but he hasn’t been slapped with the cease & desist yet. He tells us he likes expensive stuff like watches.

If it wasn’t obvious yet that he’s going to be the douche, his car pout seals the deal.

who looks like a douche? THIS GUY!

They keep flashing shots of his Rolex or whatever the fuck, which $10 bucks says is actually from the Bali markets and says “Dolex”.

just seems a little TOO gold.

We get all these shots of him calling no-one and shuffling papers, and then he hangs up the phone and goes “standard, eh?” and I’m like WHAT is standard? That you pretend to call people and then the pretend people don’t answer? That IS standard. In your fake company. With your fake computer, probably.

The watch, I’ve now decided, is made of plasticine.

He also says “I’d rather cry in a Ferrari than a Datsun” which is a weird statement. But sure. Agree, I guess?

He wants a girl who “knows what she wants and grabs it” which means he wants a girl who knows what she wants and grabs it but only when he also wants it or wants her to want it, and all of this is done in really tight sexy dresses, with absolutely no nagging. MARK MY WORDS, FOLKS.

Then we meet the innocent and ready-to-be-emotionally-kicked-in-the-dick Connie, 27, aspiring marine biologist and shark creeper.

how can I climb in tho

I don’t know how this woman ended up on MAFS, but I am already concerned for her mental health – like GENUINELY, I do not think she should be there and I want to wrap her in a nice blankie and give her a hot chocolate.

Then we meet a bunch of other blokes but they don’t get enough air time for me to remember shit about them, I did enjoy the energy of this old road dog who got the special road dog, bad boy music and has a 34 year old son. PLEASE LET THE SON ALSO BE ON THE SHOW.

if that Tarocash leather jacket says anything, it’s that this guy fucks

A few of the guys have kids, which is nice – I DO like that this show has a lot more folks-with-kids on it than like, the Bachie franchise. But this segues alarmingly into this guy (who the fuck is this guy) telling us he really, really, really wants kids, he’s wanted them since he was 13 (!!! wot) and he has all these little brothers so like, can someone birth his child already please.

“i’m going on this show to inseminate a woman”

Also, we finally meet Rando – I wanna still call her Rando. But her real name is Mishel, she’s 48 and a teacher. I love Mishel. I want Mishel to be my life coach, she just seems very peaceful as a human.

Mishel seems like she can see my future

There’s also Hayley, who seems to ask HERSELF a question then answer it over and over until we all fade into the ether.

what do I think about love well since you didn’t ask, in my essay

Anyway clearly everyone hates Hayley already, but I don’t even care because we then meet Very Busy Man Ivan, 30, real estate agent and fan of adjusting his shirt while telling us how important he is.

He’s the kind of fuckwit who doesn’t listen to anyone and instead winds the window down when the producer specifically asked him not to. Also, he wears loafers without socks:

Red flag count 1000

He’s already aware he won’t get along with anyone, saying especially if there’s a larrikin around. Cue footage of Michael guffawing into the neck of his beer. Just whack us over the head with the drama, Nine.

Michael is the fuckwit gift that keeps giving – we next see ~ da boiiiiiiz ~ hanging around, drinking man-approved beers and talking about what type of woman they want. Michael makes the hilarious funny where he’s like “oi we’ve all been with a beautiful girl and she opens her mouth and it’s like, oi can we get this on silent?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE SOME CASUAL MISOGYNY UP IN HERE!!! YEAH THE BOIZ!

*goes into maximum borkdrive from hilarious sexist joke*

I take it back, maybe Very Busy Man Ivan is the best of this bunch? The producers ask if he’s enjoying his bucks (after Michael then imitates a woman saying “don’t use me for my body”) and he’s like…

oooh no please I’d like to go to bed now

He’s all “I hope my wife is out there having a good night with calmness and composure” making me hate him again, cue footage of Poppy, 38, photographer with kids. If anyone is going to get the best dude in this bunch, it’s Poppy – her back story is that when her two little boys were 6 weeks old, her partner had a terrible accident… where he tripped and landed… in his CO-WORKERS VAGINA.

It’s probably the most beautiful piece of production I’ve ever seen in a reality TV show. Yep, Poppy’s dirtbag husband left her high and dry as a new mum. That means the producers will absolutely give her a gem so she can fall in love on national TV.

Yessss Poppy I back you, I’ve already followed ya on Instagram

The experts strut in and are all blah blah, you’re getting married, etc. Then it’s time for the bucks and hens parties, which I thought already started 400 years ago, to actually begin. The first tidbit of info on the table is Tash, 31, bartender is a lesbian and therefore is not looking for a guy.

Everyone is shocked – happy, which was nice to see, but also like OMGGGG WHAT A LESBIAN! HERE! IN THIS ROOM WITH ME!

explain scissoring

In wilder news, no one else is admitting to being either a lesbian or bisexual, and Tash wonders if her bride is even there. It would be chaotic energy for someone to just be like SURPRISE! I’M YOUR BRIDE! But I also wouldn’t even be surprised.

There’s plenty of girl power, we’re here to fix each other’s tiaras not bring each other down, omg so many powerful women comments etc etc.

On Da Boiz side, there’s just HURRRGAHHHHHSJFHROOOWJEJKR!!! Also known as a cheers.

BLGAAAAAH!

Then we have the experts telling us the most obvious, inane love advice. Like, a sea cucumber would give me better love advice than these three. One literally says “the ones who make it work are the ones who take off the mask and are real” and everyone nods sagely like she just channelled Jesus and also Buddha.

omg yes Glorina or whatever your name is, you are a genius someone give her a $20k bonus

Then it’s time for the experts to go loiter in contestant’s houses and listen to them cry a lot. First we get Poppy – my hero – again. I question her choice of child haircut but I still am on this woman’s team.

let’s just do the junior fuckboy cut, thanks

Then we meet Luke, 38, FIFO worker:

exactly what I expected Luke, 38, FIFO worker to look like tbh

Luke is an angel. An ANGEL. He cooks! He wears questionable yet adorable grandpa hats! He plays golf terribly! He… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOUR DOONA:

oh my GOD WHAT IS THAT BABIES QUILT

I’m so alarmed by the size of his tiny doona I miss the rest, something about having two little girls and he was married, now he isn’t.

I’m mainly like, do we need to send this man to jail for that quilt.

Anyway, even I can see that on paper Poppy and Luke are getting married in a year and living in perfect blended family bliss under their miniscule doona.

our first couple!

Then we head to Inseminator, who is hell-bent on murdering his 500 year old nan by telling her he’s marrying a stranger.

*soul escapes body*

They’re setting Inseminator up to be a real catch with this nan-hugging and guitar playing with dog in background stuff:

this one’s called “I hope she has quintuplets”

The experts say Inseminator (his name is Josh) needs someone down to earth, but also! Confident! And strong! I feel like grabbing them through the TV and saying JOSH JUST WANTS A WOMB WITH LEGS but you know, I should give the guy a chance.

They put him with Cathy. We meet Cathy again – she was the first MVP with the snacks – she’s your standard “FML all men are trash” exhausted by the dating scene type. So she is basically all of us reading this.

Then it’s time for the weddings. We follow both couples side-by-side. The first drama is from Poppy, who is already crumbling. She wants to go home to her kids, and also is clearly like WTF am I doing.

this was not my best life decision

She’s fine, everyone is fine, the wedding is on. Two limos roll up perilously on a grassy knoll, and guests arrive exclaiming “my gouuurd this is beauuuutiful”. The beauty, by the way, is this bizarre Hobbit log archway.

one ring to rule them all

Surprise surprise, they fucken love each other from the get-go.

that’s the stuff! Hook this loving look shit to my veins.

BUT – Poppy is unsure again. She doesn’t like that she’s left her kids at home to do this.

“excuse me I need to do a small vomit in my bouquet first”

But before we find out what’s going on with that shit show, we have Cathy and Josh’s wedding to attend!

I like to shit with the door open btw

They’re fine, back to Poppy! She’s losing it! Like properly, fully not coping. Luke tries to reassure her by empathising since he has two kids too, but she is in full anxiety spiral.

I really feel for her as a fellow panic attack sufferer but it’s also making for some quality screengrabs, sorry Poppy.

fuckfuckfuckfuck

Back to the others! No one cares because they’re happy! Back to Poppy, she’s downing champers like it’s water!

HOOK IT TO MY VEINS

She walks out of her reception to chat with her mates, who give her the hard word – she is seeming like a cold bitch and she needs to snap out of it. Seems… kind of unfeeling given she’s literally spiralling about her kids, but also it seems to work and she gets past it all.

When she comes back she’s on her A game, making jokes about ghosts stealing six packs of bourbon and so on. Luke is literally in love with her already.

Then it’s time for the wedding nights, and if this ain’t my energy on my future wedding night:

shhh I’m having my little death

Also this

shhhh i’m a rabbit

Anyway no one fucks, which is wildly disappointing. Until tomorrow! More weddings! Someone saying they’re AlWaYs ThE TrOpHy GiRlFrIeNd. Etc etc.

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