Everyone. I have some terrible, terrible news. I suppose given a virus with no vaccine or cure is sweeping our nation right now, it’s more like tepidly bad news. But here it is, anyway – we’re BACK IN THOSE BLOODY SERVICED APARTMENTS ON MAFS.
We’re revisiting all the couples so they can bitch about Ivan and Aleks. Apparently them yeeting out of the experiment was tatamount to a biblical stoning. Mishel calls Steve into her room for a very serious chat about it, using this text:
Steve is VERY miffed, you guys. He is very upset because he feels loads of people would love to be given the chance to find love on a national reality TV show, so how dare they…. not work out and exit the experiment after 6 weeks? Wot? I’m telling you, there’s something psychotic in that tea they’re always drinking.
Over at Michael and Stacey’s, where Stacey has exited this astral plane for somewhere else, I think.
Wah wah wah, bitch moan bitch. You know who else is bitching and moaning? Jonethen, because of how all the couples ganged up on him at the commitment ceremony for sending mixed messages to Connie. He asks Connie if SHE feels he’s sending mixed messages, and she says yes, basically. She’s also turned into a long-suffering colonial housewife somewhere along the way.
We leave their disaster to see what everyone else is up to. They’ve all choofed off to the wives’ houses. Stacey has a black Range Rover. KC has a cute Maltese Terrier. Mishel has… a daytime TV special wobble board.
Boring boring, Seb meets Lizzie’s dog and surprise fucken surprise, she’s still deeply in love with him. Most boring couple of the year award goes to Lizzie and Seb, but you can’t hate them because she deserved a nice guy, right?
There’s some mild initial drama because Mishel wants Steve to share her bed. She says the only way they can increase their intimacy is to start being vulnerable by cuddling. Also, coz cuddling leads to boning. DER. He’s very hesitant about it and it’s like, Steve, my dude. It’s been SEVEN WEEKS. How much longer are you going to wait here?
Meanwhile, Connie and Jonnie haven’t even left Sydney. Connie lives with her mum – remember stone-cold legend Rina? The one who point-blank shat all over the experiment TO camera? She says they can’t come stay for the show, which like fair enough – I wouldn’t want cameras tramping through my house, knocking over my live, laugh, love sculptures (jk, Rina would NEVER have them, she is far too chic).
Instead they’re staying at an Airbnb. Connie tells Jonethen not to take it to heart, but of course he’s fucking stoked – as he says, who wants to stay with your fake in-laws? He doesn’t say fake, but like. That’s totally what he MEANS.
The Mishel/Steve bed crisis is going from bad to monumentally insane. Now, Mishel’s daughter Eva has come home and inexplicably gotten involved, mainly because Mishel forced it onto her. She’s like, I seriously don’t give a fuck what beds you sleep in you bloody MIDDLE AGED ADULTS, but Steve is all “it’s only right if Eva and Mishel share a bed”, which wasn’t even really an option but for the fact he bored into her soul with his eyes to make it one.
Over to KC and Drew, who are eating a bougie lunch at The Shire’s version of Bondi Icebergs/Rick Shores/La Vue/you get it, which KC says is totally chill and not at all bougie. This leads to a convo about KC liking to be lavished with money, or whatever Drew has in his head now.
They get into a tiff – KC says Drew is still being judgemental (he is), Drew says KC has very different values to his (she does).
Back to Connie and Jonnie, who have scored a fucking baller vineyard retreat in lieu of Rina’s house. Note to self, if ever on a reality show, say your apartment caught on fire and is unliveable for homestays.
Of course, Connie is going on about HAVING FUN and JUST WANTING TO HAVE FUN, which seems to involve her laughing maniacally when Jonnie says “look at those alpacas”.
They cavort around the house and things get 5/10 levels of sexy in the spa bath, when they try and fit two people in it. It’s about as sexy as the time I went as a towel to a sexy party.
Over to Lizzie and Seb who have – actual shock – broken up their extended period of boring relationship with an argument!
Don’t get too excited – it was over the fact that Seb didn’t want to go on a spontaneous beach jaunt with Lizzie last night. LOL, guys. Fuck. This is bottom rung efforts at spicing up this plotline.
They get over it and resume being beige.
Back to KC and Drew, and I’m fairly sure she wanted to make carbonara pasta, Drew tried to help, and guys – he made a BACON SCRAMBLE.
Guys I’m obsessed. It also actually looks delicious just stir THAT through my pasta k thanks.
Stacey and Michael have what I am classing as a very fake argument about money. She (clearly jokingly) says she doesn’t want to work, and can she have a credit card, etc etc. He’s telling the camera it’s a big deal but my gut says these two just know how to stir the pot a little so they don’t end up like borza Lizzie/Seb.
While Drew goes to buy other shit for the borked carbonara, KC’s mum and aunts (I think, tbh I’m mildly drunk now on wine and missed a bit) turn up and she starts telling them how he calls her materialistic. They are QUEENS and are like “well, you’re not. He obviously doesn’t even know you.” I love these women. I want them to adopt me, then baptise me into their cult in a bath of savvy b.
When Drew gets home, they give him the cold shoulder. Before we see THAT develop though, we head back to Lizzie and Seb – no joke guys, they’re getting TATTOOS.
Lizzie gets one I’m sure she planned well in advance, but she bullies Seb into getting…. THIS.
Oh my GOD. Oh my god. To be fair, I don’t think Lizzie was like “GET A MAFS TATTOO OR I’LL DIVORCE YOU”, I feel like Seb picked this abomination himself, because she looked mildly alarmed when it was finished.
Back to KC and Drew. All the ladies are bitching about him outside while he finishes the dinner he fucked up originally – huge vibe. Strong feminine energy here. Also, I would die for this dog.
Back to Connie and Jonethen, who are meeting her two best friends. They immediately go in on Jonnie like two ASIO detectives, asking why he wrote leave, what he thinks could possibly change after this many weeks, and so on. The clanger comes when this friend:
Is all “I’ve doubted your intentions since the beginning”. OOOOOFT. She’s basically saying Jonnie’s been here for the fame, not the love. Big call, love her for throwing it out there. He’s pissed off, saying it’s really offensive she said that. Connie – who absolutely should be jumping in here – is like:
KC and Drew, also having A Time Of It. KC’s girl squad, who again – I am obsessed with – go in on him over their pasta scramble, berating him for judging KC. In the end, her mum is like “imagine if she said you weren’t her type, how would you feel” and I think it gets through to Drew that he’s been a bit of a prick.
Back to Connie and Jonethen for the showdown of the SEASON, besides that bit where Michael and Hayley went for each other’s throats. Also the time Aleks and Ivan had that dinner fight. Okay, like the 8th best fight of the season?
Basically, Connie’s best friends usher Jonnie into some sort of interrogation room, grilling him until his head almost explodes with fury. They simply do not believe he came onto the show with the right intentions, and eventually he gets sick of being accused of that and storms off.
Then we head to Mishel and Steve, who are getting the best feed of this show’s existence:
They sit down to eat the Macedonian feast with Mishel’s family, including her legendary, no bullshit mum.
Bad news – mum is like, sorry I don’t see you two as husband and wife. You just seem like friends. Which is what we’ve all been thinking, no?
Tomorrow night! Some sort of beige grilling of Perfect Jesus Seb by Lizzie’s mum, followed by a dinner party where Michael gets asked about the cheating scandal and Jonethen is yelling SEX a lot!
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
