A warm Wednesday welcome to you, fellow MAFS demons, and a very merry Reunion Dinner Party to us all. After the drawn-out tedium of the two final vows eps, I am absolutely frothing for some good old-fashion grotty badly-articulated interpersonal drama, and if the previews are to be believed we are gonna get that in spades. Yeehaw!

So apparently it’s been two months since everything wrapped, and all the contestants, whether still coupled-up or not, are being yanked back into the Hell Dimension for one last dinner party. Brett has taken the time away from the experiment to focus on what’s really important: growing out his moustache.

~I love my life as a dickhead~

Russ has also made some questionable facial hair decisions, possibly in an attempt to put to bed those comparisons with Dan Andrews.

~you’re still the one~

More importantly, Patrick and Belinda are still together and matching AS FUCK. It is just so satisfying to see these two evolve into their final forms.

like a pair of Charizards on Dancing With the Stars

In what’s got to be the biggest bit of breaking news since water being wet and the earth rapidly becoming uninhabitable due to humanity’s environmental hubris, Bec and Jake have broken up. The shock! Who could have seen this coming! Quelle sur-fucking-prise!!!

wow he’s even sexier when he’s completely given up

Against all my advice, Jake packed his shit up and moved to Perth to be with Bec – for a grand total of 20 days. He says they only spent two of those days together. Finally it appears to have twigged for this spectacular himbo that his icy bride just was not that into him. Anyway he hopes they can be friends.

Hopes in vain, it seems, as Bec is telling the camera that while he was in Perth, she was “going through a few things”, that he could go home. Instead, he stayed and – apparently – went off and kissed another bride!! Expardon me???

her majesty is not fucking amused

Are we really going to cast aspersions on my immaculate future husband? REALLY?

Ah whatever, at least Johnny and Kerry are still going strong. He’s wearing an all-white ensemble and trying to cram one of Kerry’s tiny little shoes onto her foot and I feel a little as though I’ve accidentally walked in on a very specific private role-play scene.

oh god sorry I should have knocked sorry sorry

Georgia, meanwhile, says that Liam blocked her immediately after that HIGHLY dramatic final vows and they haven’t spoken since. It was a traumatic ending to such a positive experience, and she’s not really looking forward to seeing Liam. She is wearing the pinkest shit I’ve ever seen though so at least there’s that!

ugh nail me for murder in a court of law, Elle!

Aw man, Alana and Jason have called it quits too?! I was so stoked on that fun little surprise change of heart on the beach. If you recall, Alana was all set to dump her lizard lover at the altar, but then he told her that he was falling in love with her and she threw her speech cards away in a glorious gesture that made every Channel 9 executive spontaneously scream “MONEY” regardless of where they were at the time.

Anyway it seems like there’s no gesture grand enough to completely overhaul someone’s general approach to life, love, and lizarding. Alana says that they had a fight like two weeks after the vows, and when Jason refused to talk about it she told him to let her know when he was ready to talk. Instead, he dumped her via text. WOW. She thinks she deserves more than a text message. I’m inclined to agree.

What does the lizard have to say for himself – hang the fuck on is that a hickey?!

that lizard is a dog!

One person who is not feeling a shred of ambivalence about the dinner party is Pig Sam, who’s snorting gleefully about how inevitable it is that shit will go down tonight.

He says he’s friends with Coco, which is nice, but he’s not looking forward to seeing “the muppet with the big nose”. Heheh, nice. Wait NO. No! No, I am not giving in to my latent horniness for the pig. No.

NO

He’s also ready to throw down with Cam, who he’s heard was shit-talking him to Coco during that clandestine catch-up all those weeks ago.

Thank God this dinner party includes Coco herself, who is genuinely the most charismatic and fun person I’ve seen on reality TV probably ever. Sure, she’s not perfect! But she’s fucking hilarious and sharp, and her wardrobe is off the chain and her nails are nice and look, Coco, give me a call babe, let’s get iced long blacks and you can talk shit about whoever you want.

hay biiiiitch

Right now she’s talking hella shit about Cam, who – holy shit hang on I want to type this whole thing out:

“Yeah, Cam and I got intimate,” she sighs. “You know, like, I was in dicksand, red mist was on, it was like – I couldn’t, I saw the gorilla, like I can’t, I’m sorry girlfriend, I was blinded! I was blinded by the lats.”

I quit. Give this woman my job. How the fuck am I supposed to top that? DICKSAND??? Murder me, Coco!!!

Anyway, she says Cam “got his bowl of Coco Pops and left for the day”. Even so she says there’s no hard feelings – she’s more worried about Samantha confronting her. I’d much rather see her scorch Cam to a blackened crisp but fine.

Samantha, for her part, just wants to avoid Coco and Cam. She’s not planning to forgive and forget. She’s certainly not planning on letting anyone walk all over her ever again. She’s also wearing this ravishing red number which is a fun and threatening departure from her usual white and which I hope means she’s planning on doing some scorching of her own.

mummy’s fucking HERE

Ew yuck, can the voiceover lady at least try to hide her boner for Melissa and Bryce? “Our most controversial couple continue to confound their many and vocal critics,” she simpers. Shut up! Also Bryce! You fucking broom! What is that hairdo!

like a cat pelt glued to a doorstop

Bryce has left Canberra and moved in with Melissa. Dreadful stuff. Obviously they’re still together and Bryce is still running his mouth about how everyone’s against him but he and Liss have proved them wrong by making it work!

Little does he fucking know, yet more information has come to light about his rumoured “girlfriend on the outside” – this time from Booka, of all people, who received a phone call from one of Bryce’s coworkers confirming YET AGAIN that he had been keeping this girl strung along while he was with Melissa inside the experiment.

“Liss has been totally played,” she tells the camera. No shit! She’s going to tell Melissa at the party.

yeah that’s gonna go about as well as can be expected

The experts have gathered in their den, and are ready to spectate on the unfolding chaos that they have unwittingly wrought.

right after they finish raiding the Pirates of Penzance costume drawer

Apparently there were 24 contestants altogether – what? How? That’s so many! Even the experts aren’t sure how many will actually show up tonight. How many people have I forgotten about? Has it really only been eight weeks? This throwaway comment has really sent me into a spiral. Fortunately Pig Sam arrives to send me into a different kind of spiral.

*seductive oinking*

Really didn’t expect my life to feature such a strong enemies-to-lovers narrative but fine. Fine.

Georgia sweeps in in her magnificent pink gown and elicits everyone’s sympathy about Liam leaving her at the altar. The experts are all sad because she’s sad. They do have hearts!

Coco arrives and Samantha refuses to stand up and say hi. “That’s a shade right there, isn’t it?” says Alessandra adorably. Yes, my angel. It is.

Johnny and Kerry show up to take the edge off things and at this point I’m honestly wondering why Johnny bothers having buttons on his shirt at all.

not that I’m complaining

Is that everyone? Ugh god of course it’s not, we’re still waiting on Alana, Jake, Bec, Bryce, Melissa… who the fuck is this, Jaimie? You were on MAFS for one god damn episode! Get the fuck outta here!

you don’t even go here!

Booka’s here obviously, looking like more of a bombshell than ever, and here come Patrick and Belinda in their matching ensembles. Cue the disco, MAFS!

~more than a woman to meeee~

Quick moment of appreciation for Brett making the face that my heart is making.

that’s the one

Obviously the two of them are going strong. Belinda’s funnelling her confidence into supporting others, and heading over to look after a very blue-looking Georgia. What on earth is she going to do once the bloke who literally left her at the altar shows up?

I guess we’re about to find out, ‘cos here comes the country boy himself, looking ready to wreak utter havoc. Yep! He’s straight into it! Our sweet pink princess goes up to try to say hi to him and he just fully blanks her. Fucken yikes. I felt that one deep down in my soul.

ha ha guess I’ll die!

All the experts do exactly what I did, which is a nice bit of validation for once.

nooooooooo

“He didn’t!” exclaims Expert Mel. “Oh, Liam. No, that’s not cool.” Couldn’t have said it better myself!

“Total disrespect,” agrees John.

Liam is attempting to justify his apex-level bitchiness to the camera by saying he has no time for fake people. Okay! I guess! I am still reeling from the savagery but go off hun! He’s still hung up on Georgia’s vows, which he thinks completely misconstrued their whole relationship through the lens of their conflict at that final dinner party.

Oh Beth is here! Look at that nice dress! She is glowing. I hope she’s settled down with a nice dreamcatcher manufacturer and is preparing to have a hundred indigo children.

namáste!

Ew James is here too. No pic for you, Lambophile. Jo seems happy enough to be civil with him which is all that matters. More importantly Alana is finally arriving! She is really worried about seeing Jason but she looks so good that the only person who should be worried is ME, about DYING from a HOTNESS-INDUCED HEART ATTACK.

you look like a princess

“Jason’s blushing,” says Expert Mel, forgetting that our lizard friend is merely trying to camouflage against the brickwork. He and Alana share a perfectly polite, if slightly awkward, greeting. Glad to see some people have some manners!

Jake shows up alone, which allows us the magnificent treat of seeing Alessandra go so ga-ga over his hotness that she forgets he was actually paired up with someone. “Oh there’s Jake!” she exclaims, like a One Directioner spotting Harry Styles in the wild.

“But there’s no Rebecca,” says John.

“Oh my god, that’s right, Rebecca!” gasps Alessandra. Marry me.

to be fair he makes me quite forgetful too

Here comes Bec in a dress that I’m pretty sure is illegal in several countries, ready to throw down with Jake over the end of their relationship.

the ice queen cometh

Expert Mel is like, That dress is sending a message. She’s got a score to settle. Surely the experts aren’t this perceptive. Who’s been feeding them secret intel?

Whatever, everyone’s moved on to their favourite goss topic: Bryce and the secret girl. “Everyone’s going to turn on him,” says Jason sadly. That is correct! I for one cannot wait. Bryce and Liss show up and everyone’s been drinking hard enough that the group response is not Hi! but Ohhhh…

it’s you…

Daddy John is accurately pointing out that the pair of them have systematically burnt their bridges with the rest of the group. No alliances for these guys! Just an interminable dinner of pain and discomfort stretching out before him. How marvellous.

Melissa is having a little bitch to camera about getting such a cold reception. Girl… I can’t with you any more. If you hitch your wagon to that shitshow, you have to cop the stink. Bryce, of course, reckons everyone’s just jealous! Yes! Of him! I know!

very enviable

“Look, I love that,” he says. Of course you do, you cat turd.

Finally they are in the dining room and getting stuck into the customary gallons of cheap red wine. So… who’s not here? Cam! Samantha is not impressed by this. He didn’t show up to the boys’ night, and he ghosted Coco. What a dick. Coco’s not surprised that he’s not here, but she does think it’s a dog move to leave her to cop shit from Samantha on her own.

Meanwhile Liam is trying to explain to Jo why he’s been such a rude motherfucker to Georgia, and Bec is trying to goad Alana into dishing the dirt on Jason. Didn’t he dump her by text? The gals do not love it one bit.

shoulda stayed under the heat lamp tonight

Jason decides that now’s the right time to try to get all semantic about things, and says that he never broke up with her because they were never technically together! Fucking real brain geniouse areas here, folks. He reckons that she was the one who dumped him, directly after their fight.

Frankly: yawn. He thinks she’s a liar, but this is just garden-variety miscommunication. Stop getting so butthurt, you little reptile. Bec is like, He could have at least Facetimed! Ugh I don’t care. Please just let these two consciously uncouple? At least don’t make Alana cry any more. The pretty pretty princess deserves so much better!

someone get Her Majesty a tissue!

Everyone, me included, is getting antsy for the good stuff. Patrick’s even trying (as per usual) to incite outright violence by asking Bec pointedly if there’s someone she should be keeping that water away from. “This is drinking water, not throwing water,” she responds loudly.

Oh my god, who is THIS striding through the dining room doors at the eleventh hour! It’s fucking Cam! The Sams are not happy about this development.

*incensed oinking*

Whichever MAFS producer suggested sending in everyone’s least favourite thumb at the last minute should win a Bad Place Award. Diabolical genius.

Pig Sam and Human Sam are whispering angrily about what a piece of shit Cam is. “He said I’m a pig to women,” says Pig Sam furiously. My embryonic attraction to him spontaneously aborts – thank god, that was just getting weirder and weirder.

Anyway it doesn’t take long for him to pop off. He yells down the table at Cam about badmouthing him behind his back, resulting in this magnificent return serve:

“Sam, listen, I won’t badmouth you behind your back. You’re a flog,” says Cam calmly. “You’ve been a flog, you are a flog, I’ll call you a flog. It’s simple.”

can your pig ears perceive me? FLOGGE

Alessandra’s like, “A what? A floke?” because she is a perfect creature who has remained unsullied by the indignities of the Australian dialect. Expert Mel has to explain that it means a dickhead. “Oh,” says Alessandra quietly.

Pig Sam is like, You’re the king of the flogs! You and Bryce are the flogs! Unfortunately Cam’s relaxed demeanour is really setting the piglet off, and he continues to squeal: What about ghosting Coco, huh?

Coco’s like, Hang on, I never got ghosted? To which Samantha retorts, in what I have to say is not her finest moment, “Mate, you said you got G-O-H-T ghosted.”

mum’s had a couple of spritzes, it’s not her fault

Oh man, we’re back into the Cam/Coco/Samantha conflict. Alana’s like, I defended you Coco! And then I found out you’d been texting Cam behind Samantha’s back! Cam and Coco are still strenuously denying that anything happened between them while Cam and Samantha were still together which is outrageous considering we all saw that traumatising kiss in Coco’s apartment.

Anyway Pig Sam doesn’t care about that, he cares about Cam shit-talking him when he’s only bloody met him like four times before the experiment!

“And all four times, you were a flog,” says Cam.

Coco’s still trying to insist that she only contacted Cam in the first place because she wanted advice on her relationship with the piglet.

Samantha’s like, That was still behind my back! Do you think that was appropriate?

“I’ve apologised to you,” says Coco.

“I don’t give a fuck about your apology,” says Samantha. “I really don’t!” I gotta tell ya, I am sick of this girl-on-girl conflict. The only person I want to see get yelled at is Bryce. Why is no-one yelling at Bryce!

“Okay,” says Coco.

Not good enough. Samantha wants justice. She’s mad that Cam and Coco are getting out of this scot free, whatever that means.

all I want is for both of you to be drawn and quartered, is that so much to ask?

Blah blah blah, Alana has a go at Coco, Samantha has a go at Coco. She will never forgive Coco and she doesn’t regret that. Coco’s just like …Okay.

You’re the flog!” says Samantha, proving once and for all why Australian reality TV will never be topped. Where else do you get spontaneous Shakespearean outbursts like that?

Spare a thought for Kerry and Johnny, who literally have no idea who any of these people are.

if we stay perfectly still maybe they’ll forget we’re here

Bryce and Melissa are trying to engage Patrick and Bel in some nice grown-up conversation about moving in with your partner, but Pig Sam has been snuffling around in the wine trough for too long to let that slide.

“How’s [the girl], Gonzo?” he spits. I wish they’d use a different beep to disguise her name because it just sounds like they’re swearing every time they mention her and it feels vaguely disrespectful! Finally we’re getting to the good shit though so I’ll keep my complaints to a minimum.

*devious pig noises*

Oh my god! Melissa gets everyone’s attention and says, “For anyone that actually cares, I actually spoke to [the girl].” I have spit out my white wine spritzer. She what?! Everyone’s like, Okay, what did you talk about? “I want to hear everyone else’s version,” says Liss. “I’m not giving my version first.” I hate this look on her – she’s acting exactly like her idiot husband: defensive and aggro. Yuck.

je suis Booka

That’s Booka’s cue. She says that Bryce’s work colleague contacted her housemate, because she couldn’t just stand idly by and watch Bryce gaslight and manipulate Melissa. The colleague said that Bryce had just broken up with this girl.

“Bryce, you peanut!” crows Pig Sam. Okay I like him again. Whoops!

Liss is like, But I spoke to her on the phone! And Bryce is like, Yeah, she spoke to her on the phone!

This is not the Gotcha they think it is, apparently. “I was told on the phone that you got her to do that after you dumped her,” says Booka, “because she is scared apparently of being the other woman. But I was told that you told her to contact Melissa and tell her that nothing ever happened between you guys.”

Liss has been far too brainwashed for this to have any impact at all. She is standing by her brick idiot husband until the bitter end. Jo is trying to get her to explain about her conversation with the girl, but Liss refuses point blank.

*cheerfully dissociates*

Everyone is trying and trying to get her to see the truth of the matter and she is just like Nup, fuck yas. Bec is like, You can’t just shut this down. Um, I think you’ll find that she can: “Just shut the hell up! I’m over it!” yells Melissa, and then throws it back on her: “Anyway, Jake and Rebecca, how are you guys going?” Oof.

“Where do we start?” says Jake.

“I think it starts with a kiss, Jake” says Bec, although it sounds an awful lot like she says “joke” which is… rude and hilarious. “With Booka.” GASP!!!

whaaaaat

Jake doesn’t deny it. He and Booka were celebrating on New Year’s Eve  – and apparently Beth was there? Wow, I love these unexpected extra-experiment friendships, just quietly. Anyway Booka and Jake had a Happy New Year kiss, Beth recorded it on her phone and put it on Instagram (Beth!!! You patchouli-scented snake), and Bec saw it.

“It was very innocent,” protests Beth. “Just Happy New Year’s, we’re all friends. If I thought it was something more than that I of course would probably not have filmed it.”

“It just held on too long,” says Bec.

“It wasn’t a romantic kiss!” says Beth.

Belinda wants to know if Bec and Jake were broken up by then. He says that there was every sign that they were no longer together, which is not really a straight answer. Bec disagrees. She says they were actually together, and that it was “the kiss that broke the camel’s back”.

nailed it

Jake gives his version of the timeline: he went to Perth to hang out with Bec, and particularly to celebrate New Year’s with her. She said she’d come and see him, and then she stood him up. He took this as her not wanting to be with him. A doy! She’s never wanted to be with you!!! Aaaghh whatever whatever – Bec says some ludicrous shit which I have to completely transcribe:

“That’s where my boundary lies, when you’re like, Well if you don’t want to be with me I’m just going to kiss Booka. You know what, that’s not okay with me.” Sorry??? What???? Can someone please explain this to me because my simple human brain cannot grasp this ice creature logic.

Revoltingly, this whole thing has given Bryce an opportunity to spout off about Booka and Jake being hypocrites. “To me, essentially, Jake’s cheated on Rebecca,” he says, being very cavalier about tossing rocks around his expansive glass house. “He’s kissed another female, and that’s cheating.” I swear to god if I hear one more person refer to a woman as “a female” I’m coming to their house and supergluing a Ferenghi forehead onto them.

Quark Females GIF - Quark Females Ferengi - Discover & Share GIFs

Jake is being very reasonable but that’s not what Bec wants. He’s like, It was really innocent, but that doesn’t mean that the feelings you’re feeling aren’t valid. Beth is like, It sure looked like you weren’t together. That doesn’t matter! Bec is here to self-righteously claim the higher ground! It’s not her feelings that are hurt, it’s her pride, and no amount of Booka and Jake apologising (which they do) is going to fix that. It’s a “who cares” from me, dawg.

What’s this? Pig Sam and Alana engaging in some bona fide flirting?

yes, but some of us like that

Patrick is straight up like, Do you like Alana, Sam? Patrick!! Stop stirring shit! Especially considering Alana is simply not interested in the piglet. She’s still too hung up on her lizard to completely switch taxonomic groupings.

Good god, this episode has been going for fucking ever. Surely we’re nearly done? Patrick gives a cute little speech that mentions something about coming back tomorrow???? What? Why? MAFS! Explain!!

Oh god, John is saying something ominous about tomorrow bringing some terrible breach of trust to light and – and that’s it! That’s IT?! Yet again I feel like I have been run over by a tractor driven by Satan himself. Ohhhh well. See you next ep for more of the same!