Come with me, and we’ll be, in a world of pure romance frustration – that’s CORRECT my friends, it’s Married At First Sight, the show where everyone’s a secret gronk and the points don’t matter! It’s episode three, it’s more weddings, it’s waking up to a breakfast in bed definitely cooked by your brand-new husband and not retrieved from the overpriced downstairs gastropub by some exhausted production assistant – let’s get into it!!

cam carries a tray of identical breakfast burgersidentical brekky burgers, they’re me specialty

That’s Cameron, the crane operator who got matched up with everyone’s new favourite single mum/property developer Samantha, and it’s already shaping up to be a MAFS match made in construction-themed heaven. Did they shag? No, they just had some very sweet moments about bumping into each other in the bed in the night. You guys! Quit being adorable!

Anyway we all know people being nice to each other is boring YAWN let’s go see what Sam and Coco are doing the morning after their deeply awkward wedding (remember that scintillating moment in which Sam, aka Marshall Mathers IV, gave his new bride the equivalent of a 3-star Yelp review and said she “has… a personality”. We hate him). Coco tells the producers that it’s like so funny that when she’s nervous she cracks jokes (YOU THINK) and when he’s nervous he looks at the floor like it just told him his roots were showing.

sam, a bottle-blond groom, looks at the floor with arms foldedyou’re a fucken liar I JUST had this touched up

We get to watch Sam half-heartedly take the piss out of Coco, who is a Pilates instructor and clearly tracks the shit out of her macros, weighing her breakfast hommus. She’s obviously thrilled about this because everyone knows the most attractive thing a partner can do is criticise your eating habits! Nailing it, you blonde fucken lump!

Over in the hotel room where 2012 never ended, bonafide ~indie couple~ Brett and Booka are being adorable and into each other. Brett’s the psychology student and Booka’s the musician, and the two of them are really nailing their coolest-kids-at-the-MAFS-sleepover vibe. They talked all night! They had some kisses and cuddles! He is wearing a pinky ring! It’s cute, I’ll allow it.

brett, a white guy with a moustache, and booka, a blonde white lady, lie in bed looking adoringly at each otherMum says it’s fine for us to sleep in the same bed as long as we leave the door open

Omg we’re back with the “experts” who I honestly completely forgot existed. Is anyone still buying the conceit that they’re actually matching these poor dummies up based on likely compatibility? Whatever, it’s fun just to hear the new Sexy Sexologist’s vaguely Melania Trump-style accent while she gives some boring explanation for why they matched the next couple up (also peep John Aiken enjoying some teenage nerd nostalgia while gazing into Alessandra’s superhero-style boob window).

alessandra rampolla, one of the MAFS experts, is mid-word, wearing a black dress with a cleavage cut-outWe meet again, Power Girl

The next contestant to be meddled with by this trio of sex-crazed scientists is Alana, a 30-year-old teacher who has a hot bod and a cute dog. The whole package!!

alana, a fit woman with dark hair in a leopard-print workout set, points her black dog at something in the middle distanceFetch, Fido! Fetch me a reproductively sound emotionally available adult human male!

She tells Alessandra in a Zoom interview that she rates the importance of sex in a relationship at “about an 8”, which definitely doesn’t sound like foreshadowing to me! The experts reckon her openness about intimacy is disguising some insecurity, and Alana says she reckons that she’s got “the look” that means guys just want to have one night stands with her, even though she’s looking for commitment. Life is tough for beautiful people! We get it! Blah blah she’s 30 and wants kids and is scared of ending up alone, move it along, who’s the lucky guy who’s going to get her sprogged up?

It’s Jason, a handsome if slightly lizard-like construction estimator/professional uncle whose two true loves are his nieces and getting absolutely maggotted with the boys every single weekend.

jason, a white man with stubble, puts a pink helmet onto one of his young neicesremember girls, the golden rule of the pub crawl is “safety first”

The poor bugger’s been cheated on in every relationship he’s been in, and is understandably a bit beaten down by having his heart trodden on so consistently. He’s been single for five years, and as such “spends most of [his] weekends going out with the boys”. But he’s tired of the party life! He wants a family! He’s getting paired up with Hot for Teacher so let’s hope they bond over being sad and sexy enough to make a million babies together.

Meanwhile, single mum of three Jo is a barber who can’t meet someone at work because everyone who comes in is married or a hundred thousand years old, which, relatable!

jo, a white woman with blonde hair, cuts the hair of a male customer at her barbershopthat story is as funny now as it was fifty retellings ago, Gerald

In a revelation that’s becoming something of a concerning pattern on this season, Jo has also been done a number on by her ex, who was emotionally abusive.

“He would tell me, You’re always just going to be a single mum from Frankston. No-one’s going to want to be with you,” she says, and if you’ll excuse me I need to go sharpen my hunting knife because that man needs to be maimed.

Because she’s a cute legend, she dropped that gaslighting piece of shit and embarked on single life again. She wants a real partner who can make her feel worthy and important, and the MAFS experts have decided that that partner is going to be fellow single-parent-of-three and noted Rolex-haver James.

james, a white man with brown hair, stares pensively off a balconyam I pensive or am I thinking about my Tesla stocks

James made his first million at the age of 23, and my class consciousness requires me to loathe him for this. He sells (and drives) “prestige” cars and reckons that a quick whizz in a Lamborghini will cure what ails you, including feeling crappy about being single, every time.

james sits in the driver's seat of a fancy-ass carha ha emotions go brrrr

But, he says, “money is a tool, and you cannot get happiness from a tool.” (I get a lot of happiness from my robot vacuum cleaner but I understand the sentiment.) He loves his kids more than anything, he’s been separated from his partner for “some time”, and he wants someone he can share his life with. Did he mention he’s rich? That’s a problem sometimes.

“I have deliberately hidden my wealth sometimes, because I want someone who will love me for who I am,” he says, and even though we’re only twenty minutes into this episode of MAFS my reserves of pity have been exhausted. Sorry! I am simply not the target audience for a central theme of “life’s hard for hot and rich people”!

They’re really setting this Cinderella odd-couple vibe up, with Jo musing about having only been with rugged tradies while cutting to James putting on a turtleneck and following his 12-step beauty routine.

I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturiser, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturising protective lotion.

Jo is nervous. She wonders if he will want a blonde or a brunette. She feels sick. And then she reveals that she really thought she’d be single and alone forever, because “it’s just hard out there in the dating scene, and I wasn’t sure if anyone would want to be with me, having three boys.” She’s afraid of being hurt again, she has a delicate little cry, and I’m starting down a depression spiral because being a human person is a constant trial and MAFS is a fucking nightmare and she doesn’t deserve more pain, dammit! Anyway she looks gorgeous and if Patrick Bateman up there doesn’t treat her right there are going to be a lot of keyed Lamborghinis in central Sydney.

I will protect you, my barbershop queen

James arrives in his Lambo and loiters wealthily at the altar in his turtleneck (and okay, yes, his skin looks really nice). Jo’s bridesmaids immediately dob on her and tell him that she’s nervous – rude! Let a gal have a nervous breakdown discreetly!

“Hopefully I’m good enough for him,” she says, and launches herself out of the limo to stride up an interminable forest pathway with the determination of a career introvert finally deciding to tell the Starbucks staff that they’ve been getting her name wrong for the last five years.

Mr Turtleneck cops his first look, and to say he seems stoked is an understatement.

james smiles ecstaticallyoh thank god she’s sexy

They have a little hello cuddle, and Jo immediately tells him that he SMELLS DELICIOUS and then just keeps complimenting him nonstop while he stares mutely in admiration. It’s adorable.

Jo’s vows are all about being strong and a fighter and embarking on their adventure as one, and he says they’re beautiful! James makes a cute little joke and promises to earn her trust and bring out the best in her and I am really starting to feel my blackened heart start to flutter for these guys. Then Jo sees the big ol’ fucken Rolex on James’s wrist and starts to get all anxious about “not being glamorous enough for him”. You’re a literal princess with a stack of skills and moxie out the wazoo, you are more than glamorous enough for him!!

“What if I’m not glamorous enough for him,” muses objectively glamorous, attractive woman

We leave the brewing class conflict to revisit Hot Teacher Alana, who is getting ready with her equally hot bridesmaids/sisters. She has a rash from nerves, and frankly I have never found anyone on this show more relatable.

Actually I take it back, she’s still too hot to be relatable

Her future husband Jason is so nervous he looks like he’s about to chunder. “I can’t get it right,” he says. “Finding love, faithfulness. I feel like it’s a million to one shot.” Poor little lizard.

*mournful tongue-flick*

Their wedding venue is some kind of candle-filled theatre set apparently designed specifically to impress Jason’s parents. It works.

We’re redoing the guest bedroom as soon as we get home

Jason’s mum comes and fixes his hair while we learn that she and his dad have been together for thirty years and he sees them as his relationship role models. Cute!

Outside, Alana takes a moment to fret prettily about whether her future husband will actually take this relationship seriously, unlike all her previous boyfriends.

Trauma-bonding with the bouquet, always a good sign

Obviously Jason is stoked at his ultra-babe bride. “You look beautiful,” he says, and she goes, “You look beautiful too!” Bless both of these dummies.

A healthy human man of reproductive age??? I’m in love!!!

“She’s smoking hot,” Jason tells the camera. “She’s out of my league for sure.”

“He’s warm, and engaging in a way,” Alana says. “He’s got really kind eyes.” This is like a dictionary of early-stage MAFS relationship cliches but I’m willing to let it slide ‘cos their chemistry is off the charts.

Jason’s vows reveal that he’d given up on love, but realised that he was always missing something. He says he’s serious about being her best friend, her number one supporter, and that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make this their “happily ever after”.

Alana says she’s been hurt before and resistant to finding love. Her hot sisters cry. She’s tired of being alone! She’s ready for something more! Jason is the lucky lizard who she’s going to commit to!

Mum and Dad approve, hot sisters think he’s cute and nice, the floral arrangements are overwhelming, they kiss on the cheek, I think I see some actual sparks fly. Great job everyone!

Back with Jo and James, the turtleneck is talking about owning a Turkish restaurant which prompts Jo to encourage him to “fill me with some dip”. He does an actual spit take.

hsahslkghajshfgk

But they need to address the 24-karat elephant in the room. Is James a rich cunt? Well, is he?!

“We sell prestige cars and supercars,” he says, and Jo says, “I hope you’re not stereotypical car salesman dudes. ‘Cos they are wankers aren’t they. Hopefully you’re not a wanker!” James’s soul departs his earthly shell.

*sighs turtleneckedly*

We will return to the class warfare in just a moment. First we have to go see what’s happening in the abandoned off-off-off-Broadway ‘Phantom of the Opera’ production aka Alana and Jason’s reception.

“you don’t need to go back to uni,” they said, “there’s always heaps of work for a human statue,” they said

Jason’s Mum and Dad are still there, which is really making me wonder why we don’t see more parents at the MAFS weddings. Surely it couldn’t be that many contestants’ families don’t 100% support their children pretend-marrying a total stranger and then broadcasting the first few months of that relationship on national television so a bunch of bored millennials eating Burger Rings can mercilessly roast them from the comfort of their living rooms?

Anyway Mum and Dad ask Alana why she’s doing, uh, this, and she straight up goes “I want someone who can give me kids.” Mum takes on the expression of someone trapped at a party by the local Bitcoin enthusiast.

with computers you say, oh I think I see my friends looking for me, gotta go

Jason is apparently impressed by her candour because he wants kids too. “I’m happy she said that,” he says, “she’s not a party girl like what I’ve been seeing.”

Then one of the hot bridesmaids asks Jason what his hobbies are and his mum and dad immediately FLING HIM UNDER THE BUS WITH GLEE, and Jason has to come clean about the fact that his main recreational activity for the last five years has been sinking piss until his dad has to come collect him from the gutter. Sexy.

We’re treated to a long sequence of MAFS’ signature queasy music, Alana talking at length about how concerned she is that he might not be ready to settle down and how if he’s not serious and genuine then that’s a TOTAL DEALBREAKER.

Back at the frontlines of the Marxist revolution, James has taken Jo off to a camera-accessible secluded bench to figure out what her deal is and why she’s being so mean about his Rolex. She gets the jump on him though, asking him, “Honestly, when you were driving here in your Lamborghini, what did you visualise? What was the look you were going for?”

To his eternal credit, he says, “This,” and does a very nice romantic hair touch.

Turtleneck’s got moves

He insists she’s his type, that there’s more to him than the nice clothes and nice cars, and he wants her to look at him for who he is inside. She’s stoked. He’s smooth. They’ve got a connection. We’ve got a cheeky pash!!!

Seize the means of production, girl!

Meanwhile, in the White Rose Room of Regret, Jason reads a speech that he’s apparently had time to run off and print out, proclaiming that his party days are behind him and that his mum is now the second-most important woman in his life, sorry!! Alana you’re his number one! It’s a weird move but she loves it!

I’m the mummy now 🙂

Everyone cries except Alana. This makes me like her more. They sit down together on an empty stage and she asks when he knew he was over partying. He says he’s been wanting to quit for years. She starts visibly ovulating. What are the ethical implications of making an actual baby on MAFS? Best not to look at it too closely. Moving on!

On the other side of town, the wedding is over, they’re at the hotel room, James is performing the requisite heterosexual rituals associated with celebrations of matrimony, and Jo has criminally good legs.

Don’t damage the artwork!!!

They get handsy in PJs on a white petal-strewn bed, and for people who’ve literally just met each other they seem to actually have a bunch of chemistry.

Nothing says romance like mushed up vegetation smeared on your shoulder blades

Cut to the next morning, and those pervy producers are back and asking what happened last night. No shagging, you pests! But a lot of making out and topless dancing on James’s part, apparently.

Alana and Jason are spending the morning gazing into each other’s eyes and telling each other that they’re good at kissing. They are sweet but I need more than gentle dummies liking each other in an uncomplicated manner to keep me interested. I didn’t sign up for smooth sailing! Give me the drama!!!

Fortunately we’re off on the honeymoons now, and bound to encounter some good old-fashioned MAFS bride-on-groom bullshit.

Actually the first bullshit we encounter is bird-on-bride, as a suspiciously clean and unafraid cockatoo shows up on Coco and Sam’s balcony to scare the shit out of Coco, who hates birds.

you babes lookin for a third?

Sadly the bird drama is short-lived. There is a bird, Coco shuts the door, end of scene. Considering the magnitude of unrealised chaos represented by every single cockatoo in Australia I am unutterably disappointed.

Somewhere in country NSW, Bryce and Melissa are wearing hats together and exclaiming about how small the bed is. Bryce is a radio presenter, which means I am immediately suspicious of him. They’ve already had a shag though, and are feeling very close and natural. Too good to be true? WE SHALL SEE.

Negative-charisma entity Bec and Jake are in the Hunter Valley and attempting to navigate the tepid waters of their brand-new MAFS relationship. It’s torture. He thinks she’s hot as hell, she thinks he’s shallow for thinking she’s hot. They have the most boring conversation I’ve ever witnessed, which is saying a lot considering I spent a large portion of my twenties hanging out with guitar nerds.

“I reckon those trees are so tall,” says Bec. “You can’t even see the bottom of them.”

“Uh yeah, they would be pretty tall,” says Jake.

“Trees are actually aged by how big they get that way,” she says.

“Like width?”

“Yeah.”

Pictured: the stuff of sparkling conversation.

Jake reckons now’s the perfect opportunity to steal a smooch. Bec thinks he’s a fucking moron.

mafs couple bec and jake awkwardly deflect each other's physical attentionlol no

Have any of these people actually encountered other human beings before, or were they just milling around in a low-quality simulated environment for decades, waiting to be brought on this show? It’s sort of like watching poorly-socialised dogs try to interact at the dog park: a lot of nervous posturing, snapping, and thwarted attempts at sniffing each other’s butts.

On the south coast, ~quirky~ Brett and Booka are getting in the bath. MAFS loves baths (bafs)! There is champagne and swimsuits. Brett makes suggestive movements with body lotion and gives Booka a massage that allows him to read her neck tattoo, a piano reference that apparently no-one has ever correctly read before. She’s disproportionately stoked. I’m still getting light fuckboi vibes off our moustachioed friend, but if she’s happy I’m happy (for now).

chicks love basic literacy

Back in the country, Melissa and Bryce were apparently having too good a time, so they have been provided with a definitely not cursed box of innocent questions, designed “to get our couples curious about each other”, which seems to be code for “cause needless conflict just when everyone was starting to settle in”.

the mafs honesty box of doom“Baphomet, prince of darkness, bringer of suffering, we summon you now – hang on a minute”

Bryce asks Melissa what her first impression was of him, and she says that she thought he was hot. Great! No need to ask any further quest-

“Am I your usual type?” asks Melissa.

DON’T DO IT

“That’s a tough question to answer,” says Bryce, the idiot.

He did it.

Apparently Bryce has always gone for the “blonde, blue-eyed, tan kind of girl”, and if he’s honest, no, he probably wouldn’t come up to her in a bar and buy her a drink.

“When I first saw you, I was like okay, not my type,” he says. “But you have got blonde hair. She’s not ugly!”

Melissa is visibly devastated. Bryce immediately gets defensive: “Were you hoping I’d say you were the most gorgeous girl in the world?” he demands. I start fantasising about kicking his head into the fire.

I mean – haven’t they already slept together? What the fuck is going on in this MAFS season?! Clearly he finds her hot enough to shag and engaging enough to hang out with without caving his own head in – isn’t that enough? Whoever planted this “honesty is always best” routine deep in the collective subconscious of heterosexual men has a LOT to answer for because if the Idiot Bryce had simply said, “Yes, you are my type! A beautiful woman!” then I wouldn’t have had to see lovely strange Melissa CRY.

noooooooooooooooo

Remember that this is the high-level introvert with abandonment/self-esteem issues who genuinely thought she’d never ever get married. Why is Bryce, a weak 6/10 on his best day, being such a prick? What alcohol percentage is the MAFS champagne?!

Melissa says she probably wouldn’t have been intimate with Bryce if she’d known how he felt, which, uh, yeah. Fair. This makes Bryce cranky.

mafs contestant bryce looks sullenConsequences? For MY actions???

“I just want to make sure you’re here for the right reasons,” says Melissa.

“I wouldn’t be wasting my time if I wasn’t. Are you not convinced?” says Bryce.

“I just needed that reassurance. I just want to be sure before my feelings for you keep progressing,” says Melissa, like some kind of psychopath who expects a level of transparency in her intimate relationships. The audacity!

To camera, Bryce has the nerve – the NERVE – to say, “I’m pissed off. It’s an indication that I’m not here for the right reasons – I think that’s pretty unfair. I don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant that.”

You haven’t done anything to warrant that? You sure? Anything like… sleeping with someone and then telling them that they’re not your type?

Melissa then apologises for upsetting him and walks off crying while Bryce lies down looking wounded and I scream into a pillow until I pass out.

And that’s the end of MAFS for tonight! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drop some op-shop crockery off a roof for the 24 hours until I have to watch the next one or I’ll end up having a rage aneurysm. Wish me luck and see you then!