Welcome back to Hell, fellow MAFS demons!!! It is Wednesday my dudes, and we all know what that means: yet another marathon of irresponsible alcohol consumption and probably Bryce being a fucking doorknob yet a-fucking-gain. Take a deep breath and dive in to this lake of fire with me, won’t you?

It’s the last day of the retreat in the House of Questionable Auction Purchases, and Booka and Brett are waking up in twin beds that they’ve pushed together, 1950s-style.

look how upset you’ve made Topsy

Things are going well with our two favourite indie kids! Unfortunately, as I keep saying, we’ve all heard Booka’s Brett-themed diss track so I’ve completely checked out of my investment in their relationship. Booka’s being slyly shady though (saying shit like “The less I see you the more I like you!”) so maybe there’s hope yet for some further B&B drama? Bide your time, Booka! Biiiide your time.

Alana and Jason are also feeling closer, post Bryce-themed blowup. Alana’s even got her perkiest eye-mask out for the occasion.

lizards are irresistibly attracted to Supré pink

Alana’s trying to stay focused on her own relationship, but she’s still got some reservations about her lizard’s blind devotion to Bryce. Foreshadowing!!! I know it’s totally manufactured but I’m mad into the conundrum they’re setting up for Alana: will she choose to remain silent to protect her relationship with the man she loves (to fuck), or will she dish the dirt on Bryce that we totally know she has (thanks previews!)?

Meanwhile peak hotties Bec and Jake are feeling a distance opening between them. They haven’t had sex yet, or done anything beyond a bit of light making out. Poor Jake doesn’t feel wanted, which is frankly insane considering he looks like a whole sleepover’s worth of horny teen girl fantasies come to life.

Taylor Hanson’s body, Zac Hanson’s head, and Isaac Hanson’s personality 🙂 

Bec is completely baffled at the thought that Jake might need her to instigate some affection in order to feel wanted by her. Are we still surprised by this? Stop asking this ancient being made of ice and mean MySpace comments to feel human feelings!

I really hope both of them choose to leave at the next commitment ceremony, if only to get Bec away from that human equivalent of the slime that collects in the bottom of the crisper drawer, Bryce.

He and Melissa are spending the morning unconvincingly telling each other how glad they are that they didn’t attend the boys’ and girls’ nights last night.

two-person Monopoly is way more fun than getting drunk with our mates

Bryce tells Liss that she’s a “good wife” for not leaving him alone to go hang out with the girls. I am rapidly running out of space on my narcissist bingo card. Good grief.

Anyway everyone gets herded into transport to whisk them back to Sydney and on to the express train to Hades, aka the dinner party. Someone on the production team has had a crisis of conscience and booked Bryce and Melissa their own car. Is this like when I isolate a sick chicken so the other ones don’t peck it to death?


bagurk, watch your back bitch

Back in the hotel, Belinda’s decided to pull a Swan Queen to Coco’s Black Swan, and floats out of her powder room looking like a Toddlers & Tiaras contestant about to dazzle some dirty old Texans with her tapdancing.

ta-daaaaaa

Meanwhile, the voiceover lady is wondering whether Bec’s going to get an apology from Bryce for their “confrontation” (nonconsensual kiss). She doesn’t care. Even if he apologises he’s dead to her. Fortunately everyone else wants an apology on Bec’s behalf – particularly Patrick, who’s quickly emerging as this season’s moral compass. We stan a Mathletic king.

Jason, ever the loyal henchlizard, is telling Alana that while Bryce should apologise to Bec, surely he doesn’t have to apologise to the whole group. Alana is not impressed by this position.

man you are dumb even for a lizard huh

“Although I disagree with him touching Bec,” he says, “I’m still his boy.” Fuck up, Jason, you spineless motherfucker. I’ve lost all sympathy for my former favourite reptile root rat. This is exactly the kind of calculated silence that lets “boys be boys” without consequences. Don’t make me get my soapbox out again! I fucken will!!!

In Liss and Bryce’s ready-room, Liss is trying to convince Bryce to apologise to Bec for getting in her space. Darling, have you met this man?

“Me apologising to her makes her the victim again,” he says. “I’m sick of her being the victim all the time.” There he goes, talking about himself in third person again.

“All you have to say is that what you did wasn’t right,” says Liss, prompting Bryce to go the colour of his shirt.

gotta cut back on those minute steaks mate

He tells the camera that actually he thinks he deserves an apology for everything she’s put him and Melissa through. Shut. Up. Liss pulls the only power move she can: “Can you do it for me?” she asks. He says he’ll try. How gracious a brick he is.

While we endure the unnecessary build-up of tension as the couples are en-route to whatever warehouse of suffering they hold the dinner parties in, can I just point out that it is a huge scam that all the women are clearly encouraged to wear fun psycho shit and the boys get to just chuck on whatever button-up is least yellowed under the arms? Give us some razzle-dazzle, boys! I know you’ve got it in you!

not you tho

Everyone is planning how they’ll engage with Bryce tonight. Patrick’s going on the offence. Bec has decided to completely not engage. Oh my god, who’s this appearing on screen but the experts! I forgot anyone was at the reins of this emotional dysentery-plagued caravan. They remind each other that the couples will be going in to their final vows soon. Those poor souls.

First into the pregaming lounge is Liam and Georgia (hi mum and dad!) and Belinda and Pat. Liam accurately points out that Bel looks like an acrobat. I am still reeling over this look, I gotta say.

Cirque du Solayyyyyyy baby how u doin

Liam and Pat immediately start swapping Bryce-handling strategies and all the experts are like Uhhhhhh, what? I always forget that they aren’t watching a live-feed of their charges doing crimes to one another. Alessandra is starting to piece things together – yes, Bryce has been isolating Melissa by convincing her not to go to the girls’ night! You’re quite right! God I’m glad that Puerto Rican gem is moving on to bigger and better things post-MAFS.

Christ almighty, is it Blind The Recap Writer With Titty Science night? Look at Alana!

hachi!! machi!!!

Hahaha she immediately says Bel has a “Spice Girls vibe” and – omg – Belinda reveals the reason she’s feeling so sparkly: she got naked in front of Patrick! In the most sea witch manner, too: she simply took her clothes off and walked out into the living room. We love a confident and direct deity of the deep.

Georgia’s like, “Alessandra’s going to be so proud of you!” Alessandra is so proud of you, babe.

*chortles erotically in Spanish*

On the other side of the pregaming lobby, Patrick is getting immediately stuck into Jason. What’s he planning to do with Bryce, hmm? Our lizard friend reckons his liege lord will apologise of his own volition. Patrick is deeply skeptical, as am I. Jason decides that he’d better warn Bryce that the experiment’s premier Mathlete is gonna be coming for him tonight. God, this unthinking bro loyalty is boring.

Bec and Jake show up and the experts note that they don’t seem particularly close. Yadda yadda, they’re not compatible, we all KNOW THIS ALREADY. Please let these two magnificent hotties make a graceful exit back into broader society? The collective sexiness of the general population is really suffering without them.

then suffer

Finally Johnny and Kerry are here! Everyone’s favourite low-drama fun effortless theatre-kid-ass couple. Also they are MATCHING. I love these hot motherfuckers.

huge ‘Wicked’ energy right here

And Booka and Brett arrive, both looking much more relaxed than last week. It’s very cute seeing how invested the experts are in these two. Also I think Brett’s put a little something-something in his mo. I’m into it.

tie her to the train tracks, you bad, bad man

Johnny’s back in youth pastor mode with the pair of them, being all like, It’s so great that you wrote stay last week then man! Well done! Big fella upstairs would be proud of you!

Of course the real topic of conversation is what’s going to happen once Bryce shows up. Even Johnny, who has been trying his best to be mates with the big B(rick), agrees that Bryce’s behaviour was not appropriate.

“I’m struggling to be his friend at the moment,” he tells the camera. “I’m really struggling. You’ve got take responsibility for your actions. Bryce needs to own up and apologise  to Bec.”

Meanwhile Georgia’s doing a great job of giving Bec a pep talk – her mum always says that whatever shit goes down, you just gotta slap on your red lippy (or in her case, her red dress) and show ’em who’s boss. Was there really any question of who is the boss in this situation?

all hail the queen

“I think we’re spending way too much energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it,” says Bec, reading my mind. The girls all cheers, and then Bryce and Liss show up and a hush falls over the room. I almost feel sorry for them.

The only person who gets up to greet Bryce is Jason. The girls all down their drinks and agree go say hi to Melissa. They do their best to try to get her to come over and sit with them, but no, she only wants to sit with Bryce. Melissa!!! Let your coven of magnificent cleavage rescue you!!

I love this reboot of ‘The Craft’

Ooh, the experts have noticed that something is up with Alana. She is looking very withdrawn. Tell! Us! The goss! Meanwhile Jason is immediately spilling the beans to Bryce like the slimy little worm he is. That’s right! I’m downgrading him from lizard to worm! He can be a lizard again when he grows a spine.

The worm dobs on Patrick straight away, saying that he’s preparing to have a go at Bryce – but he still insists that Bryce apologise to Bec, and Bryce agrees that he will need to do that, yes. Fat chance and who cares – Alana is finally explaining why she’s been so knotted up tonight: apparently she’s heard from Jason that Bryce has been saying some shit behind Melissa’s back that is very uncool.

“I would not be able to live myself if I let this experiment go on without Melissa knowing what’s being said behind her back,” she says to the camera. But speaking up is going to mean sacrificing her and Jason’s relationship, because of that little worm’s blind, wormlike loyalty to the absolute worst person on the show and possibly the planet. Frankly I am thrilled with this drama and all my dreams are coming true – I just wish it didn’t mean Alana crying again.

don’t cry sweetie we love you you look so pretty

Oop, here comes the hot waiter summoning them to dinner. The tension is flowing as freely as that cheap decanted red.

Bryce tells the camera that he’s happy to apologise to Bec, but certainly doesn’t make any moves at the table. Fortunately Georgia is there to be like, So how do you feel about the trip away?

Bryce is like I feel fine! Actually it’s everyone else who didn’t acknowledge us when we walked in who is the villain. Ugh whatever.  Georgia tells Liss that they really missed her at the girls’ night. Why did she feel like she had to stay with him?

Liss says she’d want him to do the same if the roles were reversed. Mmhmm.

Patrick immediately asks if Bryce has said sorry to Bec. No, because she didn’t come up and say hello to him! And neither did Pat! Patrick, king of kings, is like, “Mate, I don’t respect you at all.” He says that Bryce has been a cockhead the whole experiment. Bryce is as brickish as one would expect and accuses Patrick of being the “spokesman” of the group. He’s just talking! Nope, according to Bryce, Pat’s getting aggressive.

“The way you’ve acted, Bryce, this whole experiment, you can’t call anyone aggressive. You’ve been aggressive almost every single week,” Pat accurately points out.

“No I haven’t,” says Bryce, like a four-year-old covered in icing sugar accused of getting into mum’s biscuit tin again.

definitely not strangling this wine glass, for example

To the camera, he tries to say that he’s been working on his behaviour throughout the season. In fact, “I’ve been a big advocate in this experiment for respect towards women,” says Bryce, while I bark with laughter like a drunken seal.

At the dinner table, he does apologise to Bec. He says he was just being a smartarse. Patrick quite rightly asks if he was trying to intimidate her. He denies it, obviously.

Brett points out that the group really should acknowledge that Bryce has apologised, because that’s what everyone wanted. How generous of them! More importantly, of course, does Bec accept the apology?

“Absolutely not,” she says coolly. “But I’m here to educate you. You need to know your actions are not okay. If you think that’s normal and that’s okay in the real world, my God.”

die 🙂

Bryce gets up and storms off, leaving Melissa alone again. He reckons it’s fine that Bec hasn’t accepted his apology. What an interesting way to prove it: stalking out into the backstage wasteland and aggressively unbuttoning his shirt while demanding that a producer get his mic off him. Sure seems like the actions of a man who’s fine!

fine and normal

Brett’s moustache is trying to point out that Bryce is getting defensive because everyone’s having a go at hime. Melissa agrees. Bryce is ranting backstage about “respect” but who cares, at least now the girls have got Melissa alone. What’s her excuse for sticking up for Bryce? Hey?

well, when an alien falls to earth and is preyed upon by a human man, a very special change takes place

“I know what you see doesn’t make sense. Because I see him behind the scenes. We go home and we have very heated discussions about what goes on here, the thing with Bec and the things with Jake.” She says she pulled him up on what happened at the retreat, and defends him by saying he just wasn’t thinking! Ugh, I absolutely hate to see it. Real fucking cult member areas. “You cannot label him as being constantly aggressive,” she says. Babe! Yes we can!

“The dinner parties, the commitment ceremonies, it has been horrific,” she concedes. “But you’re not going to be able to see what I see.” She says they’ve talked about moving in together, kids – Jesus FUCK. Do not have children with this man, Liss!

It’s a lovely little speech set to some heart-wrenching music, but it does nothing but make my heart sink. Liam tells the camera that Liss is “like a good prison wife.” Someone give that guy my job, because he is RIGHT.

At least the rest of the group has a chance to tell Melissa how lucky Bryce is to have her. They have only nice things to tell her – she’s loyal, she’s resilient, she’s a beautiful person. I do love to see this kind of solidarity. Take notes, friends: sometimes all you can do to support your downtrodden friends in fucked-up relationships is make sure they know you’re there for them and you love them until they come to their senses.

Bryce comes back muttering some garbage about going to the toilet. I assume a producer has shown him both his contract and a gun in order to convince him to go back in. “You alright?” he asks Liss carelessly, and everyone else is like Yeah she was great! She spoke up!

“She deserves someone so much better,” says Bec quietly. That is correct, your majesty.

A long silence stretches and then Brett breaks it by revealing that he nearly drowned in his VB budgie smugglers the other day going swimming off the rocks. Jake says he would have looked like a bald walrus. And I thought I couldn’t love that man any more!

fucken wreck him, sir

Meanwhile, Alana has had enough wine to finally drop the bomb. Here we fucking go.

“I don’t believe Bryce is being genuine to you, Liss,” she says hesitantly. “There are times when comments have been thrown around that make him seem like he’s not being genuine.” In fact, Alana says, she’s heard things FROM BRYCE’S MOUTH that make him seem non-genuine.

Jason looks like he’s about to explode. Goodness me, I hope he does.

your lizard god won’t save you now, worm boy

What exactly has Alana heard? asks Bryce.

“You know, things that are like, you’re going to be single at the end of this. And by New Year’s you’re going to be single.” Oh my god, I love this look on Alana. Fucking get him you sexy educator.

“Are you saying I said that?” scoffs Bryce.

“I’m saying you said this,” she says. “By the end of the experiment that you’re going to be single.”

“When did I say this?” demands Bryce. “I didn’t say it.”

Melissa doesn’t believe her. But… she also wants to know who said it. Bryce is strenuously denying everything. After a lot of prodding, Alana finally reveals that yep, it was Jason. See you in hell, you worm.

She tells the camera that Jason told her that Bryce said he’d be single by New Year’s and would hang out with him then. Fucking up the boys indeed. Hope that bit of superficial masc bonding was worth it, fuckos!

“When did it happen?” asks Booka.

“Few weeks ago,” says Alana to Melissa. “When they went out and you went to the bathroom, and a comment was made behind your back from Bryce to Jason, like Let’s catch up at New Year’s because I’ll be single then.”

all that truth-dropping makes baby thirsty

The lizard says he’s never been so betrayed, ever, in the whole eight weeks of his lizard life. Alana acknowledges that she’s betraying his trust, but she just needs to let Liss know! Jason completely refuses to get involved. How courageous of him.

“I think genuinely Bryce’s feelings for you have changed,” says Alana, “but that does not take away from things in the past that happened.”

Melissa is like, that’s something that he and I will talk about in private. But right now: “That’s enough. I’ve had enough. Let’s talk about something else.” Woof.

It’s Jason’s turn to storm off. Bye bitch! You don’t deserve the hot teacher, you fucken invertebrate. Alana still apologises over and over for breaking his trust, but he reckons he’s done. Good! Piss off! This culture of keeping men’s shit behaviour secret is a fucking embarrassment and the consequences are not getting to shag your hot fake wife any more. Sorry, see ya never.

Aaaaand that’s the end of the episode. I’m about four ciders deep so I’ve gone completely numb but even through the drunken haze I can tell that this was a fucking nightmare. But I guess the fallout will have to wait until Monday, which is the ~final commitment ceremony~!! If you think that’s the end of things, though, you must be new here. See you then, and every night forever for the rest of our godforsaken lives. Happy Easter!!!!