MAFS RECAP: Watching Jake School That Muppet Bryce Is A Masterclass In Positive Masculinity

Welcome back to MAFS: Summer Camp edition! For the first time in the experiment, and for totally not COVID-related reasons, all our couples have been booted out of the hotel and off to a “couple’s retreat”. What horrors await them at the soon-to-be-trashed luxury accommodation? Do let’s find out!

First, of course, everyone has to debrief about Bryce‘s boneheaded stunt last night. Jason, who is but a little lizard with a little lizard brain, is trying to tell Alana that Bryce was “heroic” for writing “leave”, crossing it out, and then writing “stay”. Alana is not buying it, because she is a human being with a functioning frontal lobe and heart. That bullshit hurt Melissa and was macho posturing at its absolute worst and stupidest.

nah but like it was fully sick actually

Down the hall, Liss is saying that her confession about her growing feelings for Bryce was overshadowed by his bombshell. No shit, Liss! The man is the dictionary definition of overshadowing! She asks Bryce for some clarity. “How did you think that I was going to take that?” she says.

He tries to reiterate that it was an attempt to protect her. “If you wrote leave, and I wrote stay, it was me being selfish keeping you in a situation that you didn’t want to be in,” he says. This is so stupid, because obviously she was always going to write stay. She accurately points out that it should have been something that they decided together. He’s like yeah, that’s why I crossed it out and wrote stay.

Mmhmm. Sure. As about a million people on Twitter pointed out, this fuckknuckle wrote “leave” with plenty of room to write “stay” underneath it. He knew what he was doing right from the start.

Liss is very transparent with him. She says it embarrassed her, and it brought up her fears of being abandoned. Bryce says he hopes she can understand why he did what he did.

“Of course I do,” says Liss. “And I truly respect it, that you look out for me and you’re looking out for my best interests.” Are we actually watching someone being brainwashed here? I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.

how are me and Bryce doing exactly the same thing right now fucking hell

Bryce apologises for what he did, and then gives a little speech to camera about how sad it makes him to see people bullying his wife. Mate! You’re the fucking bully! They decide to try to avoid Bec as much as possible on the retreat. Best of luck with that.

Meanwhile Bec is pissed as hell about being called a bully. She reckons she’s always had Melissa’s best interests at heart, and that’s why she brought up the fact that Bryce was flirting with her in the gym. He responded to being called out by calling her a bully.

“He is so egotistic,” she says, “it’s revolting.”

*delicate retching*

Jake is pissed off as well, and I love to see it. Noble himbo mode really suits him. At least Bryce’s dickheadery is bring these two babes closer together – they’re fully united against the bad brick man.

I’ve got something else he can unite with, ifyaknowwhatimean

Down the hall, Booka and Brett are still in separate rooms. Booka wanted to leave last night, but Brett chose to stay. She is having trouble getting her head around this. So am I!

at least I’ll get a full album out of this. maybe two

Brett is saying some crap about how it’d be “a sad way to end things”, and that every now and then there’s magic between them, and that’s why he chose to stay. Rubbish. Some producer is clearly holding his weed supply hostage and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Everyone’s packing for holiday and Jason is getting mad at Alana’s vibrator. Very healthy masculinity areas here, folks.

yucky!!!!!!

Of course Alana’s not helping things by saying that if she had to choose then she guesses… she’d choose… Jason…

convincing

The vibrator manages to switch on while they’re cramming the suitcase closed. That’s it! Jason isn’t having it! Vibey is staying at home for this holiday! Good lord. It’s like something from an early season of Sex and the City. And the vibe isn’t even shaped like a dick! Ahh whatever, everyone get on the bus. It’s couple’s retreat time!

Everyone piles off the Greyhound at a truly ostentatious luxury retreat/pandemic denial headquarters. There are floaty pool toys. There is a giant outdoor chess set (the site of Belinda and Pat’s first consummation? God I hope so). There is Daddy John telling us some garbage about how it’s an opportunity for the couples to get outside their relationship bubbles and move things along, by… making them unwillingly move into an unrealistically plush sharehouse?

not pictured: overflowing recycling bins and empty loo rolls

Bryce is like a brick in shit. He’s stoked to have the chance to spy on the rest of the couples, because he’s a dimwitted drama queen with no character and as such needs to be constantly snooping on other people to keep himself entertained.

He and Liss stumble upon a questionably-decorated but otherwise unclaimed bit of accommodation, and Bryce shrieks “Shotgun!” like the spoilt nine-year-old he is. He leaves her to go grab the bags and his henchlizard, Jason. Melissa is just stoked that they get to be away from Bec and Jake in their own house.

oh, fiddlesticks

Oh, who’s this walking up the driveway? It’s Bec and Jake, obviously, here to wander through this hidden oasis and cast judgement while drinking champagne bitchily. It’s a great look but I’m worried for Melissa, who seems about to separate into her individual molecules from stress.

Bryce and the lizard return and the tension immediately becomes so intense it makes my eyes water. Jason’s like, “Who’s staying here? Are both you guys staying here?” and one can practically see the producers behind the camera egging on Bec and Jake to say that they’ve decided they’ll be staying in that hideous piano bed.

the shit we let rich people get away with, I swear

Bec’s like, Ooh, shall we be bad and stay here? while Jake tries to signal with his eyebrows that he’d rather take his chances bedding down with one of the resident geese than remain within fifty feet of Bryce. Meanwhile Bryce takes Melissa’s hand and is like “Come with me. Watch,” while striding into the piano bedroom. Jason, being a lizard with a healthy sense of self-preservation, is outta there.

“I’m not getting involved in that,” he says sensibly, scampering down the driveway and back to his travel terrarium.

soiya!

Bryce’s grand plan to scare off Bec and Jake is to come and sit on the ugly leather couch in the piano bedroom. To be fair, if he came and sat down with a Toohey’s Extra Dry in my bedroom I’d leave immediately, so maybe it’s not such a bad tactic.

chilling stuff

In any case it works. Bec wanders into the kitchen and announces loudly that she doesn’t want to hang out with those two anyway. “They’re fake news,” she says to no-one in particular. “Let’s go have some actual fun.”

She’s not mad that they’ve got the private guesthouse! She’s laughing, actually! It’s great that they’re not going to be hanging around with everyone else, ruining their holiday!

let’s go be hot and confident where more people can see us

Back inside, Liss is keen to go see how everyone else is getting along. Bryce agrees – he wants to see “what everyone’s been saying about us behind our backs”. This preoccupation with what other people think about him is blowing my fucking mind. It is painful to watch. More importantly it’s BORING. Someone needs to step in and stop this stain of a man running his god damn mouth, too, ‘cos he’s back on his macho bullshit about how everyone should “watch out” if he finds out they’ve been gossiping about him and Liss.

Oh god and then he has the AUDACITY to suggest that he and Melissa should run a CLINIC on how to be in a successful relationship!!!! The man’s mediocrity knows no bounds. He’s like the human embodiment of the Dunning-Kruger effect.

mate have I got some inside tips about Dogecoin you’re gonna want to hear

Back at the main house, Jason’s being a happy little lizard about how things are going with Alana. We’ve all seen the previews, though, and we know that things are going to go tits-up thanks to (who else) fucking Bryce.

Meanwhile Booka is lamenting being a single gal on a couple’s retreat. Extremely fair. She reckons it’s up to Brett to come and talk to her and wait, sorry, what is that CARPET?!

hello, 000? I’d like to report another rich person crime

Anyway I think it’s only reasonable for Booka to expect Brett to fix things, considering he’s the one who’s trapped her here. He reckons now’s the perfect time to rekindle their romance. Sure, babe.

Everyone’s doing their best to act like they’re really on holiday. Johnny‘s taking some shirtless found-footage horror movie establishing shots, and Bryce and Melissa are traumatising one of the blow-up swans.

release me from this vinyl prison

Patrick has decided he’d like some more physical attention from the sea witch, so he’s organised a trip to the spa. A quick side note – I do love how MAFS expects us to continue to believe the “he’s organised a surprise” narrative. I can fucking see you and your clipboard, Toni! I know you’re orchestrating this shit!

Anyway Patrick is doing his best to tell his bedazzled-hat-wearing marine mythological figure of a wife that he is really developing feelings for her. “I’m just really into ya,” he says eloquently. “I’m falling for you.”

“Hmm,” says Belinda, going the colour of a cooked prawn. “Thanks for sharing. Um… um.”

perhaps if you said it in a series of clicks and whistles

No!!! Don’t make this underwater deity attempt to feign interest in her mortal plaything! Especially not while wearing that hat!

She looks genuinely flustered. Then, thankfully, she says it feels good to hear him say that he’s falling for her. “I don’t really want to think about us not being together,” she says. “I can’t imagine us going our separate ways. I don’t want our lives to be apart. I feel like I’d be missing something.”

I think that’s about as good as you’re going to get from the sea witch this week, mate! And a cheeky pash, go on.

mm, briny

It’s nearly time for dinner, so everyone’s getting dolled up. Kerry is telling Johnny my number one favourite joke, and he’s not getting it. Fucking amateur hour over here.

she SAID, what COMES before PART B? 

Dinner is a selection of Coles sliced meats, a packet of Captain’s Table and a cucumber, plus all the Five Seeds they can drink. Glad to see that MAFS’ approach to responsible drinking extends to the couples’ camp as well.

balanced

Brett’s droning on about wanting to patch things up with Booka, to which I say Good Fucking Luck, as here she comes in her own version of Princess Di’s revenge dress, looking too good for every man on earth let alone an emotionally incontinent moustache.

hachi machi!!!!

Brett picks his way over to give her a hello hug. She doesn’t want a bar of it. Get your tiki shirt out of the People’s Princess’s presence immediately.

I’ve pushed people down the stairs for less, you know

Meanwhile Bec is sucking down the ciders like she’s getting paid to (which she is) and expounding on how good it is that Bryce isn’t here. Who should show up just then but the tenants of the coveted private guesthouse?

Even though Bec’s the one who’s making noises about “putting Bryce back in his box”, it’s Patrick YET AGAIN who kicks things off. This guy is a dark fucking horse when it comes to inciting drama!

who’s the holy guacamole now, motherfucker

No sooner have Bryce and Melissa sat down than he asks, “How are you going Melissa? After Bryce wrote leave and scribbled it out and wrote stay – how’ve you been?”

Poor Liss is forced to explain that they spoke about it, and she told Bryce that she was hurt and embarrassed. Bec’s time to shine!

one sec, hang on

“As long as there was an apology,” she says forcefully. “Because my God that was disgusting behaviour.”

Ohhhh god the Queen Bs are straight into it. Do I have to type this out? Surely you can use your imagination and it’ll be very close to what actually takes place – Bryce going Why are you so obsessed with me and Bec going Why are you such an ARSEHOLE. (Okay, she actually says, “It so happens that Melissa ended up with the biggest douchebag on the show!” and it’s awesome.)

the ice queen has spoken, bitch

It’s time for the Noble Himbo to step in. He tells Bryce that the reason everyone else is invested in their relationship is because they care about Melissa. In fact, “Her loyalty, mate, in my opinion, you’re not deserving of it.”

…say more nice things about me

Jake very accurately points out that while Bryce might carry on about other people sticking their noses in his relationship, Bryce is the one who got other people involved at the commitment ceremony, using an exercise designed specifically to focus his attention on his relationship (the stay/leave thing) to call Bec out for being a bully.

“That is getting involved in other people’s shit. Just stick to your shit,” says Jake.

“I have to,” mewls Bryce. “I have to protect my wife.”

“The way I see it,” says Jake, “you guys do you, right? We’ll do us, and we’ll just go our ways.”

Bryce is like That’s what I said weeks ago! Conveniently forgetting that he… brought them into his shit again last night.

Bec still wants an apology but that’s never going to happen. “I am too big to apologise to you, Rebecca,” says Bryce, once again demonstrating a shaky grasp on the meaning of the words he insists on incessantly speaking.

“And that’s where we’ll leave it,” says Jake. I do love seeing actual masculine security go up against Bryce’s tremulous shirt-fronting, because nothing makes that fucking brick look like more of a pathetic baby than a tall hot himbo confidently finishing the conversation. Also it’s sexy. Do it again, Jake!

*imbecilic silence*

“Cool,” says Bryce. It clearly isn’t cool. After it becomes obvious the conversation really has moved on from Bryce’s nasty shit-stirring, he summons his lizard sidekick and they head off for a spot of villain monologuing.

yeth, mathser, motht withe of you mathter

Alana takes the opportunity to express her dismay at Jason’s blind loyalty to Bryce. She knows that Bryce’s stunt was wrong, and it’s a massive turn-off that Jason’s so supportive of him – calling the move “heroic”? Really? That vibrator’s looking better and better, huh babe?

Liss can’t handle everyone still talking shit about her husband and goes for a walk to see Bryce and Jason. They’re both like What happened! Who’s talking shit! Tell me!!! She doesn’t want to talk about it, obviously. You can guess how well that goes down.

can’t a girl recreate the sexy Aragorn door-open in peace

Bryce is like, If you’re being bullied, I’ll bring it up! Melissa is like, No… don’t do that. That’s what they want.

“They already think I’m a dickhead,” he says correctly. “What have I got to lose?” My god. The thought that Melissa might actually not want the ongoing humiliation of her husband publicly making a prick of himself clearly just doesn’t occur to him. She’s trying her best to convince him not to march down there and hassle everyone, but we all know that no-one can convince Bryce of anything! Remember? Chafed and angry!!!

He drags Melissa in to the dining room and takes up position at the head of the table like an MLM-obsessed uncle who just joined Toastmasters. He’s mad as hell that he walked away and everyone immediately starting talking shit again.

ever wanted to run your own business? have I got an opportunity for you

“Who brought it up again?” he demands, as if he has any right. Everyone’s looking at each other with big “is this guy for real” energy. Who died and made you boss of the group, Bryce? Bec says that Alana was talking about it, Alana says that it affects her and Jason’s relationship, and then Melissa is like Can I just say something real quick?

“This has been the most difficult experience of my life,” she says. “I am so lucky to have Bryce to support me and I know you don’t see what I see. But I need you to understand the fact that this all keeps getting brought up – it’s actually hurting me. I know none of you get it, I know you don’t, you think I’m being emotional – but Bec, I’m sick of it. If Bryce and I are brought up again, I’m done.”

Jake is like Yep, we want to park it too. Great.

Ha ha bitch you thought!!!! Bryce isn’t gonna let anyone park anything!!

“At the end of the day you’re playing with someone’s emotions,” he says, doing the opposite of what Melissa wants. Yadda yadda, he’s just trying to have another go at Bec, and she knows it.

body language challenge: tell me you want to die without telling me you want to die

“Your ego’s so big, any time you’re not on top you try to squash everyone around you, Bryce,” she says, proving once again that what ice queens lack in warmth they make up for in deadly accuracy. “The conflict isn’t between me and Melissa. I have a problem with you, Bryce.”

Bryce is like, Don’t talk over the top of me, and our noblest of noble himbos has had the fuck enough. He’s on his feet.

“Don’t stand up and deliver a message to someone who’s sitting down,” he says. “Sit down!”

look at me. look how hot I am. sit the fuck down

“You sit down!” says Bryce, because he’s a fucking idiot.

Watching Jake school him is very arousing. He correctly points out that Bryce is the one impacting Melissa. “You knew that she’s vulnerable, and you write leave!” Bryce insists on trying to pin it all on Bec, and storms out (assisted by our favourite hot bouncer, Johnny) squawking, “You should probably apologise, Rebecca!”

can’t have that in here mate, off ya go, sorry mate, nah can’t have it

“Piss off,” says Jake. Quite so.

Johnny follows Melissa and Bryce out to the porch and gives them the best advice of the season so far: that the two of them have something strong enough that they don’t need to prove it to anyone else. “You don’t need to showcase anything, you don’t need to defend it, because this person trusts you,” he says. “Who cares what those opinions are?” That’s sweet, Johnny, but Bryce cares only about those other opinions.

we love you, youth pastor Johnny

Bryce tells the camera that he’s actually quite relieved that he “finally said his piece”. Yes, because you’ve been so shy and retiring so far!

Back in the dining room everyone is agreeing that Bryce is “so not worth it”. Jake apologises, but he can’t have someone stand up and be aggressive like that. We love to see it. Johnny tries to explain that it was nice to see Bryce and Melissa calm each other down with their little hug on the balcony and everyone else is like… Okay whatever.

Alana wants Jason to stand up to Bryce and get him to change his behaviour. The lizard appears absolutely distraught at this idea.

*panicked reptile noises*

He just doesn’t want to get involved. Alana says that he shouldn’t encourage his behaviour though – like saying that Bryce was heroic! Jason gets cranky and shuts down. He feels betrayed, like Alana threw him under the bus by telling everyone what he said about Bryce’s heroism. Meanwhile Alana is questioning everything about Jason because who fucking wouldn’t? Grow a backbone, lizard! You’re supposed to be a vertebrate!

A nice little upside of this whole debacle is that Bec and Jake are feeling closer than ever. Who wouldn’t want to put a ring on this repository of hyper-secure gentle masculine energy?

tell me about your feelings again, you dirty boy

Unfortunately it’s brought Bryce and Liss closer too. Gross. Let’s not dwell on that.

Everyone else is absolutely exhausted from the vicarious tension, and the new couples in particular are thanking their lucky stars that they got paired up with fun sleepover partners instead of psychopathic dummies with a million unaddressed issues.

what the fuck is that SkyMall microfibre blanket about though

Brett’s dealing with the disappointment of not patching things up with Booka by jumping into bed with the Mathletes. They seem stoked about this. Is this like when babies skip crawling and go straight to walking?

~it’s never who you want to be polyamorous who’s polyamorous~

Anyway the real wrap-up drama is obviously Jason and Alana. He feels all betrayed. Yeah yeah, whatever, can we finish this tedious fucking marathon of an episode, please? They have a fight. Jason is like, This is why this will never work. You broke my trust. He’s very dramatically says, “Promise me you’ll write leave,” and then storms off. Oy va voy.

“I don’t deserve to be spoken to like this,” says Alana over some further dramatic strings and footage of her packing her stuff. And that’s the end! Thank FUCK!!! Previews for next ep are, as usual, Bryce-focused. How I hate that man. Anyway see you then!

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