It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for, fellow MAFS fiends: the dinner party, site of untold drama, irresponsible service of alcohol and enough gossip fuel to sate even the grottiest of goblins (me). Let’s hop to it!
In Brett and Booka‘s room, the Brett-themed decor is gone and Brett is waking up on the couch. He goes in to try to fix things after Booka’s spectacular (and hilarious) display of Brett-themed passive-aggression last night. Does she feel like they can move forward from it?
“Well,” she says, vigorously applying lip balm. “Why would you want to?”
sorry I can’t hear you over how hydrated my lips are
As far as Booka’s concerned, Brett’s been telling everyone what a shit person she is, and that’s pretty hard to get over! Brett’s still in his feelings about being “ignored” in the relationship, and I am still asking no-one in particular: when did he actually tell Booka that? Bitching about your wife to your friend is not the same as talking things over with said wife, Brett!
*sad moustache noises*
Booka wants answers. Brett wants to be heard. I want another beer hang on I’ll be right back.
Okay! Everyone else is getting ready for the dinner party a.k.a. six hours of non-stop drinking. How did this all get ethics clearance again?
Jake and Bec, against my strenuous protests, are on an upswing and feeling closer than ever. Bec is feeling sassy about Bryce again. She’s stung that he and Melissa called her relationship “artificial”. She’s got that mean girl look on again and icy fear strikes my heart.
so you admit it? you think you’re really pretty
Meanwhile Melissa is once again expressing vain hope for a drama-free night. Best of luck, babe!
Hornbags Alana and Jason have got their mojo back, thanks to Alana’s genius idea of cooking dinner in her knickers. Amazing what a bit of red polyester will do to the average heterosexual Australian man/lizard.
tits
Down the hall, the Mathletes are reeling after being tasked with drawing each other in the nude. Turns out it actually did lead to a little further intimacy: Belinda saw Patrick NAKED. She seems… agitated by this. More importantly, though, Patrick is feeling apprehensive about the impending dinner party because he’s going to have to see Booka, who he roasted without mercy in that godforsaken letter.
Patrick, ever the optimistic idiot, thinks that the letter probably helped Booka and Brett’s relationship! He’s looking forward to being showered with adulation for his wise and considered actions.
Incorrect. Brett is planning to have a little chat with Patrick about how hurtful that letter was to Booka. Booka is also planning to have a little chat to Patrick, in order to find out exactly what the hell Brett has been saying to Pat about their relationship. I do not envy Patrick right now.
on reflection I may have made a minor misstep
In the pregaming lounge, Georgia and Liam have shown up and immediately settled into a power couple pose. I stan them unreservedly.
impeccable bitch energy
Bel and Pat arrive and the experts can’t shut up about how Belinda has been dressing “sexy” recently. I’m not sure I agree – Bel’s outfits always skew more towards “toddler making a beeline for the Club Med lobby fountain” than “sex pot flaunting her assets” but go off I guess.
sherbet: the most erotic of colourways
Alana and Jason arrive and immediately grill Bel and Pat about whether their Titanic nude drawing session paid off. “Were you full nude?” asks Jason.
“No, I had my wedding photo in front of it,” says Pat.
“Noice, brah,” says the lizard. Good grief.
On the other couch Belinda is regaling Alana with the horror – the HORROR – of seeing Patrick’s entire back side. It’s like watching a Victorian great-aunt deal with seeing a particularly well-turned calf. Despite that, the pair of them still got to second base.
Alana and Jason are smug as hell that their rootin’ tootin’ good time guide has paid off.
you’re welcome, nerds
Johnny and Kerry arrive looking hot and relaxed, and then Bec and Jake burst in to tell everyone about that bitchy letter Bryce and Melissa wrote them. Bec is absolutely spoiling for a fight. The experts are musing aloud about whether Bryce will be able to restrain himself from rising to Bec’s provocation tonight. Considering the man has the self-control of an infant, I’m not getting my hopes up.
This isn’t helped by Bec immediately marching over to Bryce and Melissa as soon as they appear and getting stuck into them about the letter. She’s so grateful for that fun activity where she and Jake dressed up as each other, thank you guys so much, but um actually there was one tiny bit of the letter that was a little bit confusing…
just take ’em both brah, you’re gonna need it
She straight up asks the two of them: what does it mean that they called Bec and Jake “artificial”? Oh, just that they’re up and down! It’s such a weird and unpleasant interaction. Bec is trying her best to stir up Bryce, but it’s not working. Don’t make me approve of Bryce’s behaviour! DON’T.
ƒ
Oh good, we’re in the pass-agg cab with Booka and Brett, while she mutters to herself and he looks out the window moustachily. Patrick is in the pregaming lounge asking Jake what the hell he’s going to do once Booka shows up. He was only trying to help them! Shut up, Patrick.
you’re so handsome, you MUST be smart
Jake advises him to have a chat with Brett first, and apologise for wording things so harshly. Can’t wait to see how well THAT goes down considering that as soon as Booka and Brett enter (Booka looking like some kind of delegation to the International High Council of Glam, holy shit), Brett looks at his pink-shirted pal and blanks him.
The pair immediately split up to dish on that fucking letter to their respective boys and gals. Brett is upset. Booka is upset. Patrick is drinking so quickly I assume he’s trying to drown himself. Johnny’s predicting a mate breakup, because Patrick “threw Brett under the bus”. I feel really sorry for Pat here. He didn’t mean any harm! He’s just a tiny baby bird who’s completely inexperienced in the world of interpersonal relationships and has been given an overdeveloped sense of confidence by being trapped in a completely false environment for the last five weeks!
Anyway, ting-ting-ting it’s dinner time. Get your arses into the dining room of despair, and may god have mercy on your souls.
especially yours
Pat’s tactic is to avoid Booka as much as possible, and to bait Bryce and Bec into having another go at each other. Bryce is rabbiting on in that meaningless macho way of his about how he’s not the one who’s started conflict and he’s a good guy. To my delight, it’s Liam who starts bitching about Bryce to Bec! He’s been here for about thirty seconds and he already hates that fucking brick! And I thought I couldn’t love the country boy more.
Lord and Lady Napkin-Shade
Anyway Bec is like You’re right Liam, he IS a fucking faker, and I’m going to prove it by hassling the shit out of him. I do question the motivation here – if someone has acted like a huge tool, been told they’re acting like a huge tool, and then attempted to mitigate the tooliness with which they act in public, surely the correct response is to leave them alone and enjoy the refreshingly untooly atmosphere? Not, for example, goad them into revisiting the tool shed?
silence, commoner
Bec’s like, “Bryce do you want some water? As long as you don’t throw it at me, ah ha ha ha ha.”
Bryce laughs it off. That’s simply not good enough.
“You’re so different tonight!” says Bec, and then (ughhh, god) brings up the whole gym-conversation-girl-outside-gift-buying thing. Stop making me sympathise with Bryce! Bec! Your majesty! Fucking chill!
Anyway Bryce is like Look if you wanted me to take a lie detector I would. Then Bec is like, Well are you going to offer an apology?
Yes, he is! What is this, fucking opposite day?
“I apologise for the way I acted. I probably got a bit aggressive to you. I just felt like I was attacked,” says Bryce.
“I appreciate you apologising. If you mean it,” says Bec, while I scream into my beer can. Bryce isn’t rising to the challenge, possibly because he’s discovered just how satisfying being a smug cunt can be.
I’m just like so happy for myself and so worried for you
Anyway down the other end of the table Booka is finally visiting her righteous wrath on poor pink Patrick. She wants to know what the hell has been said to him that led him to write the things he wrote in that letter.
I have to call my mum
Brett’s leaning on him too, telling him that even though they’ve spoken a lot about he and Booka’s relationship, Pat was still way harsh in that letter and that was unfair on Booka.
Pat’s like, Look from what I’ve observed and heard, it sounds like stuff’s… bad with you two.
Booka’s like, So what has Brett actually said to you?
And Patrick says, “Just the stuff that I wrote in the letter.” Right in front of Brett’s face.
drink up, Judas
No judgement here – if I were being interrogated by an eight-foot Amazon in a black cape I would have dobbed on my mate, too.
Booka and Brett are still talking in circles around the fucking letter. Booka’s like, Are you ever going to apologise for hurting me by talking behind my back? And Brett’s like, What about my hurt feelings, because the core of that letter is true – I feel under-appreciated in this relationship! No-one is listening to anyone, especially not me, or they’d have already tipped the table over and bolted for freedom in the ensuing chaos.
God almighty, Brett’s bringing up the whole intense vs. lighthearted thing again – this is such a boring, simplistic way of approaching a relationship and also taking up too much of my time. Say something interesting, moustache!
no
Brett slinks off to the other end of the table, where he unconvincingly tells Johnny that of course he still cares for Booka. Johnny asks if she knows that. “There’s no reason for her not to know,” says Brett, stupidly. “She doesn’t know, bro,” says Johnny, and Booka, who clearly has not had enough wine to render her completely deaf, joins in from down the other end of the room:
“Brett, how the hell could I? Did you read that letter? How could you like somebody like that? Because that person was disgusting, and that’s who you communicated I was to Patrick.”
Brett’s like, Just stop it. He has a moustachy little cry.
this whole situation is like… so not gnarly
Booka’s like, “We’ll stop. I’m sorry.” Brett needs space that she can’t or won’t give him. It’s genuinely kind of tragic. Stop making me feel feelings, MAFS! I can’t handle real, complex human beings breaking up on TV. I need them to all be dumb cardboard cutouts with questionable social media presences. This blows.
what did I tell you? don’t be deep! just be hot!!!
Anyway Booka’s like, Can we all please just remember that Brett is the one who’s been talking shit about me behind my back? Which like… yeah. That’s a dog move.
Johnny’s activated his hip youth pastor mode and has gone to try to smooth things over between – not Brett and Booka, but Brett and Patrick.
let’s rap about our feelings, brothers
Brett’s not mad at Patrick ‘cos of course he’s not. Everyone says sorry and has a nice little hug. Yawn. I’d take Bec baiting Bryce over this zero-action love-in.
Elsewhere: more love! BORING. Everyone’s kissing and being cute. Enough of that, let’s hear about Booka’s pass-agg Brett-themed dinner!
He’s still mighty sore about it. She’s completely unapologetic. “We just have different styles of humour,” she laughs, “and he doesn’t like mine. He doesn’t like much about me to be honest, Patrick.”
but you’re well aware of that aren’t you
Bryce is like, But how are you guys going?
Not good, mate! Not good. “My marriage is ruined,” says Booka. “When you find out your husband has been making you out to be like a horrible, self-absorbed person – no.”
Brett doesn’t want to do this any more. The experts point out that he always just withdraws and refuses to acknowledge Booka’s position. Of course Brett thinks that it’s Booka who’s not acknowledging how he feels.
“I apologise,” she says. “I could have been more thoughtful.”
“That’s fine. Apology accepted,” he says.
There’s a long pause, and Booka’s like, “See? There’s no apology. There’s no ounce of accountability, ever.”
fucken Waluigi over here
For once the experts and I are both yelling the same thing at the TV screen: SAY SOMETHING, BRETT. He does not. He just sits there like a mop wearing a set of Groucho Marx glasses and an intolerable air of superiority.
“This person here,” says Booka, “thinks that he’s just fine how he is and I’m over being the problem. I’m done. I’m just done.”
“Same,” says Brett. Boo. Boo to both of you, boo to MAFS, boo to the mortifying ordeal of being romantically known. Particularly boo to the abject humiliation of breaking up at a fucking dinner party in front of all the other experiment participants! Liam wants to know if there’s any going back, and the answer is a resounding Nah, brah.
Let’s leave that horrible little knot of unpleasantness for now and revisit everyone’s favourite masonry/alien couple, Bryce and Melissa. They’re going well! They’ve been talking about their future together. They’re spending a lot of time making out. Yuck.
mm, gritty
Bec is still 100% convinced that Melissa is not being honest with herself. She and Liam get Liss down the other end of the table to get her drunk and hassle her about her idiot husband. Bec brings up the photo challenge again, and points out that she felt like Bryce was flirting with her in the gym. Doesn’t Liss want to know for sure where she stands?
“Who knows if Rebecca’s being genuine,” says Liss to the cameras. I am getting so tired of watching this poor woman being batted about like a bird with a broken wing by these two catty motherfuckers (Bryce and Bec).
come on, forgetty juice, do your job
She sits back down next to Bryce, who immediately starts grilling her about what she and Bec were talking about. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Bryce says that maybe he should go talk to Bec. “No, don’t,” begs Melissa. “Please don’t.” He’s got those creepy dilated rage-pupils going on, Liss, I don’t think he can hear you!
The producers drag them both in front of the camera, where Liss chokes out that Bec said Bryce was flirting with her when he told her that he’d put her at the top of the hot-to-not list. It’s very difficult to watch as Melissa seems about to burst into tears, and Bryce looks like he wants to punch a hole in the wall.
two people taking very deep breaths
Bryce says Bec is a bully and a liar. “She’s lying through her fake teeth,” he snaps, because he can never resist going personal. At the dinner table, Bec is talking loudly about how “the truth always comes out”. Bryce is about to pop the fuck off, and Liss is like, “No no no no – don’t – don’t react.” Instead of chucking another glass of water in another face, the pair of them get up and leave the dinner table. Expert Mel calls that “progress with a capital P”.
Bryce is certainly something with a capital P, but whatever, that’s the end of the episode! After the unbridled drama of the last two dinner parties, I felt like that was a bit meh, don’t you? Fortunately the previews for Sunday’s commitment ceremony look spicy as hell. See you then!
