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Welcome back to another MAFS recap for season 2021. Married At First Sight is back with a bang, bringing us three weddings and one successful root in tonight’s episode. It’s television gold, is what it is. I’m Josie, head of Editorial here at PEDESTRIAN.TV and I’ll be bringing you a MAFS recap every night! For the rest of my life!

Tonight we kick things off with my favourite people Melissa and Bryce, who are lying in bed looking loved up when a MAFS PRODUCER says off camera “Was there any time for intimacy last night?” This is chaos. I picture the producer sitting in the corner on an uncomfortable chair all night watching anxiously like your mum when you’re in hospital as a kid.

cool thanks producer lady, there goes my boner

Melissa does tell us that after an alarm at the house went blaring at 1.30am, Bryce comforted her with his dick. Am I the only one that thinks he crept downstairs and made the alarm go off? Well played if so.

Meanwhile over at Bec and Jake‘s International House of Awkward, the new couple slept in separate beds. I’m all for not rushing into anything you aren’t comfortable with, but this is peak Nan and Pop in their twilight years, is it not.

did I take my blood pressure pills last night

Carrying on with her descent into Nanhood, Bec stumbles out into the kitchen MAFS has rented out and asks Jake to make her an English breakfast tea.

don’t forget your blood pressure pills will ya love

I actually think they’re such a hot MAFS couple and it’s paining me deeply that it’s off to such a shitty start. Jake is endlessly optimistic about it but I just don’t feel like it’s going to last, sadly.

The MAFS experts get ready to match another couple and it’s our fave single mum doing it for herself, Samantha! We see an excellent montage of her doing handy things with tools so we know she’s a strong independent country gal.

Flashdance, but make it bogan

She tells us she was married for almost 10 years, and discovered that her husband had been cheating on her for more than 5 years when she found a bunch of his SIM cards from different numbers. This is psychopathic behaviour and I hate it.

She tells sexy sexologist Alessandra that she only gives 50% of herself in relationships because she’s scared of getting hurt again. But she says she’s doing MAFS for her little family. Once again I just NEED her to find someone nice. Please MAFS experts, don’t do this single mum dirty.

They decided to pair her with Cameron, a 32-year-old crane operator who I don’t recall seeing at the bucks party on the first night. He’s a country boy which is what Samantha wants (and what Coco predicted! I’m telling you her powers are real!) We know he wants love because he stares into the distance.

am I pensive or am I checking out a chick walking past the work site

He says he’s got property and good savings, and why do I suddenly feel like I’m evaluating him for a bank loan? He tells expert John that he grew up with divorced parents and he doesn’t want to repeat that pattern for his kids.

It’s time to move onto Booka! She’s the one who plays in a metal band and is a psychology graduate. You just KNOW they’re gonna pair her with Brett, the cool quirky guy studying psychology that wears short trousers.

oh greeeeat, the softboi

She says that her hectic touring schedule, plus hanging around a bunch of guys constantly, means that she hasn’t been able to have a relationship for five years. Her cat Alby seems affronted that Booka should choose anyone but Alby to spend her life with.

after all I’ve done for you bitch

Just in case we forgot she’s a muso, we are treated to some shots of Booka playing the guitar and looking off into the distance.

am I pensive or am I busking because this show doesn’t pay me enough

Of course, the MAFS experts decide to match her with Brett because of his “quirky side” and I saw this coming a MILE off, did I not?

one last look at pornhub before I do this thing

Brett has cute parents who are still together and loved up, just like Booka has. Both of them are just keen to have what their parents have, so that bodes well. But as we know, most guys LOVE to say this but then proceed to run away very fast at the first sign of a relationship getting serious.

Time for my girl Coco, the shaka-throwing loose unit who loves to scream at any given opportunity. She reveals she’s been married before and it only lasted for 6 months, and gets a bit choked up talking about how the bloke was a massive mummy’s boy and she felt like she had to compete for his love.

I’m not crying I’m just allergic to tulle

The experts say they need someone “resilient”, which I’m taking as “someone who will put up with her constant screeching of one-liners”. They decide that it’s Marshall Mathers IV who we met at the bucks party briefly, AKA Sam.

eau de mom’s spaghetti

Sam says he loves slinging shit on people too so one would think that the banter levels with Coco are gonna be through the roof. Can’t wait to watch them just hurl one-liners at each other for eternity.

But we kick off with Samantha’s wedding first, and I appreciate her because she says she’s tried to find love, has been through the wringer, and that MAFS is her last resort. FINALLY. Someone who has actually attempted normal dating behaviour. In the limo ride with her dad, she gets really fkn nervous and as is MAFS tradition this season, her support person is fairly unsupportive.

get your disgusting mitts away from me child

Samantha proceeds to word vomit for the entire car ride to The Grounds about her hopes, fears and dreams and her dad is every dad when a woman starts talking about her emotions.

do I have to wait until the reception to get that free beer

Sam resorts to giving herself a pep talk since her dad clearly isn’t going to. Where is Bec’s friend Kristy from last night when we need her, for Christ’s sake? Speaking of Bec, I’m thinking that Cameron’s reaction when she sees Samantha is what she wanted out of her MAFS wedding.

The JOY.

wow I am punching

The pair are so giggly and nervous and cute it’s giving me flashbacks to Melissa and Bryce’s wedding yesterday. In his vows, Cameron makes a frankly amazing dad joke – “from the moment I saw you, I knew that you’d be my wife” — and Samantha is bloody sold, you can tell. Even her dad cracks a smile.

yesss there’s the waiter with the crown lagers

Now onto Booka and Brett, who is just getting ridiculous with the amount of contemplative staring into the distance moments he’s doing. He honestly looks hungover as hell, might I add.

Am I pensive or am I drinking straight vodka out of a mug at 6am

Brett is so hungas that his Supportive Mate has to help him get dressed because even buttons are beyond Brett at this point.

fuck the tie mate, get me a berocca

Booka is all ready to go, and her bridesmaids are channeling Kim and Sharon at Kath’s wedding.

coupla foxy ladies from Fountain Lakes

At the wedding, Brett’s mum is probably the most nervous person in a 5km radius, and I don’t think it helps that she’s spotted the chick on the bridal side whose hair matches her mother-of-the-groom dress. Brett’s confidence is bolstered by all the colourful characters on Booka’s side, while in the limo Booka’s mate has turned to the powers of Prosecco to get her through wearing the matching dress-and-hat getup that she’s been forced to endure.

I will murder you

Finally Booka is down the aisle after what seems to be an eternity and the hot quirky couple clock each other for the first time. Needless to say, they are feeling it. Their vows are both super cute and from the heart with lots of little jokes here and there. They look fkn amazing together and I actually have a lot of hope for these two in my heart, even though I’m highly suspicious of Brett maybe being a secret knobhead somewhere underneath the moustache. Please please please let me be wrong, MAFS!

Off-screen we hear a huge shriek and we know it’s COCO TIME! Coco says she hopes her husband looks at her like “Dayummm” and then calls her “wifey”, two things I ripped Jake to shreds for in the last recap. MAFS experts, if and when Bec inevitably drops Jake like a hot potato, you just know Coco will take him. While Coco is just shrieking excitedly, Sam / Marshall Mathers IV is really looking a bit nervous about it all.

knees weak / palms are sweaty

His nerves probably aren’t helped by the fact that her bridesmaids keep whispering passive-aggressive things like “he looks smart”, “he has good eyebrows?” and “he’s got a good sense of humour” and it’s just like girls we get it, you don’t think he’s hot. Coco is also forced to walk 12km to get to the altar, at which point I would have sweated off all my foundation onto my boobs. But she’s a fitness professional so she’s probably fine with it. She probably asked for it!

it’s ok I need to close my rings anyway

After her trek, Coco gets stuck in the ground and Sam has to leave his position to go and retrieve her while everyone else just stares. GOOOOD START. Once they finally are staring at one another, Coco actually seems pretty keen while Sam… doesn’t? Um, what about this psychic Pilates teacher isn’t perfection? I for one would love to marry someone who starts screaming about my star sign / telling me I’m arrabiata sauce / dropping “WAP” during the wedding.

But he’s a Libra, so of course he doesn’t bloody appreciate her. His vows read like a school report card while hers are full of genuine heart and soul. She’s batshit and I love her and I am starting to feel like MAFS has done her dirty with this match.

Of course it doesn’t help that the music supervisior has decided to team this wedding with the awkward music and the Psycho strings. We know it’s doomed before it’s even over, goddammit! When your new groom pulls this face when talking about you, it’s… not great.

normal

Thank god after the ad break we go back to Samantha and Cameron, because I felt like my soul needed to be cleansed after the Coco and Sam cringefest. Pandemic be damned, these two can’t keep their bloody hands off each other. What really seems to get Samantha going is that Cameron is a crane operator, because it’s what her parents do for work too. Who knew that heavy machinery could be so sexual?

backhoe me babey

During their romantic MAFS photoshoot though, Samantha is forced to drop the bomb that she’s a single mum who has been married before. It’s that hold-your-breath moment to see how the bloke is going to react. He insists he “loves children” but tells the camera that it makes him scared. So much for my dream couple!

Just when I’m at my most vulnerable this episode of MAFS forces me to go back to Coco and Sam who are having their own awkward photoshoot.

if I kiss you will you shut up

Sam’s take on Coco is that during the photos he felt “definitely comfortable” and that she “has… a personality”, which honestly has the warmth of a 3-star Yelp review of a local Korean BBQ joint.

He goes on to tell the producer that Coco is not his type and actually, “far from it”. WHY IS SHE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? The woman is a delight and I hate this whole show, I’ve decided. Unfortunately I need to keep watching MAFS because I will get fired if I don’t.

Not enough kimchi for my liking. Wouldn’t dine here again!!!

My soul is just about dead when thank fuck, we go back to 10/10 hotties Booka and Brett and I NEED THIS MAFS MATCH TO WORK. I mean, it’s lucky for Brett because if it doesn’t work with Booka one of her behatted bridesmaids will certainly pick up her sloppy seconds. I actually love how they’ve been just openly thirsting over Brett since they got to the wedding.

oi loike what oi soiye

Brett is really won over by Booka, and seemingly also by the free beer, since in the to-camera interviews he looks even worse for wear than he did this morning.

I just need a tactical spew and I’ll be right mate

Brett’s mum made it clear earlier that she doesn’t give a fuck about this show or who her son marries, as long as he impregnates someone, and she puts the hard word on Booka immediately about having kids one day. In a roundabout way, Booka says she wants babies so she only just passes the test with mum.

hmm yes you and your uterus will do I suppose

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST they’re taking us back to Coco and Sam again. I can’t take much more of this. Can’t we just pretend they don’t exist? Just air dead static during their segments, it would honestly be more pleasant to watch than this absolute trainwreck of a MAFS pairing.

They get to chatting about their careers and Sam says that he’s pleased Coco (owner of a successful Pilates studio in Sydney) is driven like him (owner of two fashion labels no one has heard of). I want to fill up a glass with Sauvignon Blanc just so I can throw it through the TV onto his face.

hun my right bicep is more driven than you

Poor Coco is doing the workout of her life just trying to make the interaction less awkward. I’m sweating just watching her. Sam has got Bec vibes of just shutting down and not giving his MAFS partner a chance, and I just wish the experts had swapped these couples? Bec and Sam would have already called it and left by now and Jake and Coco might have actually got along, FFS.

Mercifully, we go back to Samantha and Cameron and I’m hoping he hasn’t done a runner now that he’s found out she had kids. Thankfully, Cameron is still there but things have definitely gotten more strained since she told him about her two sons. She decides to try and smooth over the situation, by word vomiting about her two sons.

I’m gonna need another 3 bottles of Pinot G over here

Cameron points out to-camera that it’s a lot of pressure taking on three people instead of one, and I kinda of get it, to be honest. It’s terrifying enough to marry a stranger on national TV and have a shot at love, but the fact that Samantha has a whole family depending on her is kind of huge. His friends give him the advice to bring his walls down and try not to overthink it too much. I do hope he gives her a chance, because there’s SO much potential there. I hate that it’s unravelling so fast already.

Back over at the worst wedding in history, Coco has decided to take Sam aside for a one-on-one chat. He says that saying “out there and outlandish things at inappropriate times is never fun or cool” to which she replies “Ah I getcha. Interesting.” I actually adore that she doesn’t apologise for who she is. She just says that’s what she does when she is nervous. The talk actually goes a lot better than the rest of the wedding, with them both saying they take a while to warm up, and they’re willing to give each other a chance. You’re a bigger person than me Coco, I would have been in an Uber by now.

It’s D&M hour because Cameron is now explaining to Samantha what the go is with his behaviour. He says he’s really into her and just feeling a bit overwhelmed. She really likes that he’s honest and genuine, and they bond again over being country girls and boys (and crane operators). I mean just look at the way he looks at her! He can’t deny the chemistry, even if her kids give him a panic attack.

she’s a top sheila

We check in at Booka and Brett’s reception and his dad calls her “Brooke” in his speech which could have really pissed her off, but it doesn’t. He then starts crying about a fishing trip which is all very cute and dad like. Brett cries too, and Booka loves that he’s in touch with his emotions. In fact, she basically says it makes her horny to see him cry (?).

mmmyes talk sadly to me

They have a big old pash outside and honestly my soul needed the episode to end on that note, because I couldn’t take much more Coco and Sam awkwardness. Join me tomorrow night to do it all over again! Let’s hope the experts have a better strike rate in episode 3.