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Another week, another MAFS commitment ceremony. Which means another power ranking where I decide who is going to last the distance and who is going to explode in a spectacular blast of resentment and Pinot Grigio. We thankfully saw Jo and James get the fuck out of Dodge last night, which is good for me and Sam George-Allen, who writes our recaps, because it was physically painful to have to write about them all the time. (You can find Sam’s Sunday night recap HERE.)

With those two gone, we have 8 couples left. So let’s get started.

8. Melissa and Bryce

No, no, no. NO. Speaking of physically painful to write about, my fingers are basically cramping up because I am having a full-body reaction to this buffoon Bryce still getting airtime.

Melissa = all of Australia when Bryce speaks

It’s really sad to me, because we can all see what he’s really like and last night Melissa admitted that she doesn’t speak up for herself when Bryce says offensive things, because she’s scared he’ll blow up. That’s deeply unhealthy, people. I think for Liss’ sake we need these two to leave. I’m hoping they both put up ‘leave cards’ next week, but something tells me that Bryce with his desperate need for attention won’t be going any time soon. Ugh.

7. Jaimie and Chris

Annoyingly for everyone watching, Chris is a stunningly gorgeous gentle giant single dad who works in the mines and Jaimie is a princessy type who doesn’t appreciate him. Further to that, she actively puts him down, talks over him, and doesn’t seem to truly want to get to know him at all. Hmm, maybe she would be better suited to Bryce, they can talk over each other and throw offensive barbs back and forth for eternity! Patient dad / expert John asked what her dealio was, and she stumbled over some thinly-veiled classist shit about him being FIFO and her having gone to Uni.

“Uni stands for U-N-I-V-E-R-C-I-T-T-Y”

Funny, because I know plenty of people who went to Uni only to end up sitting on their ass living off their parents for a good decade afterwards, and FIFO peeps work bloody hard. But you do you, Jaimie!

6. Bec and Jake

These two have been hovering near the bottom of my list since I started these rankings. They’re not total dogshit, beyond saving status, but I still don’t see them lasting as a couple — even without basically knowing that Jake has a new girlfriend who sure as shit isn’t Bec. Aside from those reports I still wouldn’t buy these two lasting, they’ve been a horrible MAFS match from the very beginning. I think ice queen Bec has only just started smiling at Jake??? And they might have hugged once??!?? It’s progress, and they both opted to stay this week, but it seems like too little too late.

good GOD get this woman away from me

5. Alana and Jason

It’s trouble in paradise for our fave horny root rats! Yes, Alana and Jason have finally realised that sex isn’t everything!

wait, what

You need to connect as a couple, and that means more than connecting your penis to her vagina, Jason! In last night’s commitment ceremony Alana complained that she’s now initiating all the affection, to which Jason uncomfortably admitted that he DOESN’T KNOW IF HE HAS FEELINGS FOR HER. Oh god, guys. The honeymoon is well and truly over here. I’m glad Alana got her million orgasms because it seems like she won’t be getting much else out of Jase. They both said they wanted to “stay”, but Jason added a “for now” which is basically just the nail in the coffin. I don’t have high hopes for our horny goats to last another week.

4. Booka and Brett

As much as it pains me to put these guys so far down on the list I am, as always, a slave to the gossip. And apparently muso Booka has written a bloody diss track about her MAFS husband Brett! Say it isn’t so! I have so loved our quirky couple, but there were a couple of small red flags flown in last night’s episode, with Booka saying they didn’t quite have the same sense of humour and have been working on it. I don’t know if a few lame jokes that don’t quite land really warrant a diss track, so I’m thinking some serious shit is going to go down in the coming weeks.

sorry but how are knock-knock jokes not funny???

3. Kerry and Johnny

These two are all smiles, all the time and we haven’t seen too much drama or tension going down between them. But they’re still early days, being an intruder couple, so I’m cynical and only placing them third because I can’t get a read on them yet. There was a mild sticking point when Johnny found out that Kerry is still mates with her ex-husband and still lived with him until recently, so time will tell whether that issue snowballs or melts into oblivion and they live happily ever after. Speaking of balls, Kerry and Johnny haven’t had sex yet and Kez indicated Johnny might have a case of the old blue balls. Hilarious.

oh god I just came in my pants

2. Georgia and Liam

Just like Johnny and Kerry, I’m not 1000% sold on these two shiny happy people just because I don’t know them well enough yet. But my god are Georgia and Liam happy and shiny!

did you borrow my cheek highlighter babe?

They seem to get on really well together, and Georgia is very chill with the fact that her groom is bisexual, even though MAFS really amped up the drama around that particular revelation. The couple has discussed it on the show and Liam was honest about his sexual history, and Georgia called it just that — history, saying it didn’t bother her because she’s his present. Or something. Call me Mulder, because I want to believe in these two. I hope it works out.

me, when someone tells me MAFS is a TV show and none of these couples are legit at all, and I’m living in a fantasy world constructed by evil producers pulling the strings

1. Belinda and Patrick

Godddd these two nerds are just the cutest. MAFS even plays the fairytale music box soundtrack when they walk over to the cursed couch of confession. Turns out fuckwit James calling sweet Belinda frigid only brought this pair closer together! Because frigid is such a stupid and offensive word, they put on a united front and it showed some serious teamwork. Plus, Patrick says Belinda has been the makeout queen this week and really doing her affection homework, so it’s nothing but gold stars for these cuties.

I MEAN.

Of course, everything always goes to shit over the course of the week, so keep coming back for our recaps and for my power ranking next Monday. Til then!