Glass smashing? Who needs it. Married At First Sight (MAFS) throws a whole smorgasbord of fuckery our way that it’s easy to miss something wild if you even blink once. Take last episode’s piano bed, for instance. Yes, it’s a bed and a piano. I have questions, let’s get into it.

I won’t blame you for forgetting the fact that there was a piano bed in episode 22 of this year’s MAFS. I mean, a lot of fkn shit happened. However, I will not allow the piano bed to just safely get away with existing unnoticed.

My first question for the piano bed and all fans of its structure and godless nature is: how do people fuck on it?

It’s an important question I feel. Like, will too many bussy vibrations make a gorgeous concerto? Could I hypothetically play Tchaikovsky‘s “Rêverie du soir, no. 1” with nothing but some quality pipe? Should five full-length “Mary Had A Little Lambs” be the benchmark for quality sex? These are the questions nobody is willing to ask of the piano bed.

piano bed

I also have an issue with its monstrous height. There’s something quite imposing about the piano bed. It’s far too tall. It honestly looks like a Dark Souls boss. All ye who seeketh the Elden Ring must pass the lord of song and slumber. Y’know, that kinda shit. I don’t like it.

I mean, it’s taking up most of the fkn room. Even the aircon is feebly squeezing into a gap near the roof. The piano bed is way too large. Do you use the purple chair to assist you up? MAFS (Mess at First Sight).

How does one even climb up the bed without looking like a fool? Do you need to be thrown on? I’m all for kinky modes of elevation, but this is too much for my brain to get around.

Lastly, why does it exist? Was the intention here that a hetero woman takes her bisexual long-haired boyfriend to the couples retreat so he can start playing Beethoven after sex, instead of paying attention to her? Not talking from experience here at all, I just don’t think pianos and beds should be together, ever.

Nobody wants to listen to Toccata and Fugue in D Minor after being nutted in. Trust me.