Married At First Sight is over half-way through their “experiment” for the season, and as per usual this season features a smorgasbord of human beings I want to punch directly in the face.

The show is notorious for attracting heinous cast members – that’s half the fun here is it not, watching absolute car-crashes of marriages go up in flames? There’s a reason it’s consistently successful and that’s because we all love watching terrible people be terrible. Sorry, but it’s true.

Because there is hardly anyone likeable on this show, I decided to spend my Wednesday afternoon assessing who I would hypothetically least like to fuck (should they ask) out of a bunch of people I really don’t want to fuck!

This is all a fun-times jokesy so you know, don’t take it too seriously.

1. SAM BALL

Yes, I would rather fuck Ines over Sam. Why? Sam is not only a liar, and a body-shamer, he also loves himself something sick. I would actually prefer to bone a liar over someone who (probably) wanted to look at themselves in a mirror and adjust the edges of their beard while they fucked me.

2. SUSIE BRADLEY

I literally could not with Susie’s take-down of poor Billy during that first commitment ceremony. I COULD NOT. She was so awful, I know it’s early days and *maybe* she will redeem herself but his poor face, that sweet angel man. NO. Do not want to bone Susie.

3. INES BASIC

I mean, Ines was the worst! But she did make me laugh a few times, so she ranks higher than Susie and Sam, who have never made me laugh. Humour is the way into my heart (pants). The heart in my pants.

4. MATTHEW BENNETT

He seemed like such a sweet angel until he PRETTY MUCH USED LAUREN FOR SEX THEN SAID HE WASN’T EVEN ATTRACTED TO HER. Like dude…. come on.

5. CYRELL JIMENEZ

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#Repost @mafs ・・・ Cyrell has her say. #KingDingALing #MAFS

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Cyrell can be really endearing on the show as she works through her personal issues but she also fucking terrifies me. I would never really know if she was going to murder me in my sleep because she thought I looked sideways at her once, you know?

6. MARK SCRIVENS

Who is this mans?

7. JESSIKA POWER

Jess is funny but she’s also a MASSIVE whinger. I feel exhausted in her presence already when she is just on my TV and I’m yelling at her for being a whinger with my mouth full of mash potato.

8. MICK GOULD

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Sorry Mel you are gonna have to pay to touch the moe! #MAFS

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Mick is sexy but he now has an Ivan Milat moustache so like, congratulations on going from top tier to #8, Mick. In fact he shouldn’t even be on this list anymore frankly.

9. MIKE GUNNER

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#MAFS

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IDK, Mike always seems like maaaaybe he’s a good bloke but then he also seems like he is interested in every other woman, ever. I would feel like he was boning me and texting another girl over my shoulder.

10. ELIZABETH SOBINOFF

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???? came to party ???? #MAFS

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Liz was a bit fly-off-the-handle but she was a good person who loved the sisterhood. Gotta give her that, y’know?

11. MELISSA LUCARELLI

We have the same name. HARD PASS.

12. NING SURASIANG

Who also is this?

13. DINO HIRA

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#MAFS #dinnerparty

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Dino is fine, but he’s also whatever. He’s fine and whatever. Like I said, this is a list of who I would LEAST like to fuck, and he’s not heinous plus I’m actually aware of who he is so he gets a pass. Seriously, Mark and Ning? Have they even had screen time?

14. BRONSON NORRISH

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Dinner party photoshoot… #MAFS

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Chalk it up to my obsession with underdogs, but Bronson was so done over by Ines that he can make it into the top tier here.

15. NIC JOVANOVIC

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Well, that went well… #MAFS

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Nic is also fine? IDK who is he? Who are you, Nic? I only know you as “long-suffering partner of volatile Cyrell”. WHO IS ANYONE WHO ISN’T YELLING OBSCENITIES IN THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY.

16. MARTHA KALIFATIDIS

I really related to Martha telling Michael to eat his shit blueberries and not her good ones. That is the criteria here to get her in at #16.

17. MICHAEL BRUNELLI

Michael’s one of the hotter dudes in the gang IMO, but I also am often confused as to who he is besides a walking ponytail.

18. HEIDI LATCHAM

I’d sleep with Heidi just so I could cut her hair off in her sleep and attach it to my head.

19. TAMARA JOY

Tamara is fine, she’s new and hasn’t done anything offensive as yet. She is just a person with a face to me.

20. DAN WEBB

Again, Dan is fine??? Like he is too new to tell how assholey he is. I know he’s meant to hook up with Jess but so far it’s really just her being keen ya know. Anyway, I don’t find him hot but I don’t really find myself attracted to any of these people! This is a ranking based on LEAST LIKELY TO MAKE ME WANT TO RUN FOR THE HILLS, guys.

21. JULES ROBINSON

JULES IS A DELIGHT. A total delight. She only comes second because…

22. CAM MERCHANT

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The week that was… Gold Coast & what a trip it was!????????‍♂️ “I have found that there isn’t a surer way to find out whether you like someone or not than to travel with them” & on this trip I went one further.. Celebrations were in order as 3 little words nervously stumbled out of my mouth & they weren’t “My hats ridiculous”???? This is a special moment in our relationship.. in any relationship really but how do you know.. Things have happened so fast with Jules & who would of thought that only a matter of months ago she was a complete stranger but now she is my best friend.. I think you know when certain things happen that make you & your partner both feel special.. as individuals & as a couple.. this is how I felt to come to understand.. -I smile when I’m in your presence -I’m glowing when you are with other people & I see how you make them feel -I’m genuinely happy & have so much fun with you no matter what it is we are doing -I feel safe sharing my thoughts with you -You accept me the way I am & I can be exactly the person I’m meant to be -We inspire each other to be the best people to ourselves & others -I trust you -You are beautiful both inside & out & have nothing but the best intentions for me & everyone around you I could go on but these are a starting point that helped me realise but more than anything I’m just thankful for the experiment & having you in my life❤️ Boys night was amazing & so very privileged to have met some great friends along the way that we should never take for granted… so many different personalities but when someone has been through the same experience as you they understand no matter what & that will remain for a long time! Not to mention just enjoying some quality laughs! Enjoy the week???? #weekthatwas #goldcoast #mafs #3words #celebrations #dinnerparty #boysnightout #grateful

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Cam is also a delight and I’m a heterosexual female so the guy part of this power couple wins in my mental fantasy.

23. BILLY VINCENT

Sweet angelic Billy is so sweet and angelic! And he has that rig!!

24. LAUREN HUNTRISS

Ummmm, Lauren was super patient with Matthew’s anxiety around sex AND she likes to get freaky in the bedroom. She wins.

Image: MAFS