I’m so excited for this MAFS recap because it’s Melissa AKA Horny Mum’s wedding. I’ve been waiting all season week for this.
But first, we’re kicking things off with a dude named Layton. They’re pumping the wanker music for this guy and I yelled out “ew” when he said he has “borderline perfectionism”. So I guess it’s working?
He says a bunch of shit about weed, medicine and animals and I guess that’s what makes him rich enough to drive a Porsche. Now he’s painting? CEOs have souls!
Layton’s clearly being paired with Melinda who has 127 businesses (if I remember correctly). Looks like she also drives a Porsche and should be on Selling Sunset. Maybe this was the next best thing?
Horny Mum (Melissa) is in the house!
Or the salon, I should say. As much as I enjoy her I would hate, hate, hate for her to do my hair. Don’t believe me? Look at this customer who she’s telling about a dick pic.
Horny Mum has 20,000 words to say a day, which is fun considering her vocabulary consists mostly of “dick”.
“Sexually, being 41, I reckon I’m more fit and more fabulous than when I was in my 20s,” Horny Mum says. Something to look forward to, I guess!
Loving this energy from the Four Blondes:
They’re pairing Horny Mum with a single dad who should take over Richard Mercer‘s Love Song Dedications with that voice. Haven’t heard something so soft since … Jim Courier during the Australian Open.
Anyway.
Josh spends his days hanging up tutus and staring at lego but today? Today he’s discussing his love for rom-coms with MAFS expert John Aiken.
John’s fave? Notting Hill.
Josh is underwhelmed by John’s answer but tells him they can be good friends. This would be a better love story IMO. Speaking of, why is everyone straight?
Josh hasn’t been single since 2008 when Nokias were still used. RIP. But he’s up to date with the kids now!
He’s been breadcrumbed, love-bombed and catfished. Fuck, I hope we find out more about that last one throughout this season of MAFS 2023. He’s had a stage-5 clinger too.
He says something about buying a Tarago and fuck, me and my oversized family used to have one of those.
Josh wants a partner who knows what she wants. Does Horny Mum knowing she wants dick count?
Horny Mum’s twin sister has arrived with a wedding gift and of course it’s a sex box.
“Whoever he [my husband] is, let me tell you: sit down and buckle up, because he is in for a big ride!”
There is a whip, people.
The sister has gotten her frenchies, which were a staple in my 20s before I realised Kmart boyleg seamless were far more practical.
Josh is a Disney fan who wears Toy Story pyjamas and BLESS.
His kids are named after Disney characters and QUADRUPLE BLESS. His daughter’s name is Elsa! Like, that’s not even a Disney classic that he would’ve watched as a kid. He is a Disney Daddy.
Disney Daddy thinks he is not manly and I disagree. Admitting your love for Disney is the manliest shit ever. I am well and truly here for it.
Horny Mum wants Thor and “his big hammer” to be waiting for her at the end of the aisle. It’s good that they both enjoy things in the Disney-Marvel family, I guess?
Maybe I should date Disney Daddy because he is referencing the Click Clack Front And Back safety message from a 1984 commercial.
To be clear, I was not alive for that ad but they I heard it at primary school once along with Slip, Slop, Slap.
Horny Mum is wooing her way to the wedding, which is, luckily for Disney Daddy, at some kind of Disney castle.
He is very nervous and asks the celebrant if holding hands is “a vibe”.
He hasn’t stood this still since school assembly in the 90s. He is killing me in the best way. Amy Shark has ruined the word for me but if she hadn’t, I would adore him.
Everyone’s judging him because what, he doesn’t have steroid-esque muscles? Can someone tell these people that Chris Hemsworth is a very rare specimen?
Here comes the bride. Disney Daddy greets her like she is arriving for an interview with someone who’s not him.
Surely this was edited in?
It’s quite cute now though. Horny Mum’s comforting him and calming his nerves.
“I could tell instantly that he was kind,”she says.
Nawwww, she likes him. So do I!
“He looks like the boy next door, but I think he could be a freak in the sheets too!”
THERE IT IS.
What do they say? It’s always the quiet ones! She’s hoping for a big dick.
Disney Daddy is telling her about how he thinks their love story might go.
“We had a wedding. We then went on a honeymoon to Disneyland.”
He throws up crossed fingers in the most DISNEY REPRESENT fashion.
The spit that came out of my face landed on his forehead on screen. No joke.
OH NO HE DIDN’T.
“I am a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to eventually love him,” he tells her.
Her friends say “poor guy” which is probably exactly what the experts said when matching them.
Honestly, it’s all very sweet during vows. Or at least it was until Horny Mum did this:
“She’ll eat him alive,” her friend laughs and as someone who has eaten men who were alive, I resent that.
Time for another MAFS wedding.
Melinda thinks it’s rare for a guy to find her gross. She thinks guys who like brunettes and not blondes are lying.
She’s botoxed her underarms in preparation for the big day and ok I believe her, she is rich.
Melinda manifests and Layton has vision boards. They actually seem like the same person so they’ll probably hate each other.
She walks down the … boat. Layton is not grossed out by Melinda.
She looks off it.
Why is there no music?
The groomsmen are into her.
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING.
Is this what it’s like for all the other MAFS weddings except for the fact that they actually edited those?
“He may be punching just a little. I’d swipe left. I’m a nine-and-a-half, on a bad day,” Melinda laughs.
I wonder what her personality is on a good day.
She starts delivering her vows and it feels more like a warning, tbh.
She does not look up at him once the whole time. She also uses her vows to tell him she takes pride in her appearance and that he has found a unicorn.
He says he “grew up with a money tree” and she thinks that “is a red flag”.
Honey wot. You wanted to be a power couple. Money = power. She thinks he was born into money and has a big ego.
She’s already getting competitive because her bridal party cried for his vows and not hers.
Uh oh, Layton just addressed someone by their name!!! The audacity.
She thinks he’s full of shit with his words and names.
Kiss time! Shit time to be Melinda’s face.
“The kiss was definitely not sexy,” she says, adding that it’s cold and sloppy. Like a fudge sundae only … shit.
Meanwhile at Horny Mum and Disney Daddy’s wedding, they are getting close for the photos. “I want to grab Josh in lots of places,” she says.
She reveals she is an animal. “He’ll be like woah and I’ll be like ruff!” she laughs. Not going to lie, if these genders were reversed, this would be a very different story. Have it be known that I’m not condoning anything.
Oh wow they’re really pashing during this photoshoot.
Hands where I can see them, please!
Fuck she just lowered one.
The photographer is clearly over it but nope! There’s more! Disney Daddy is definitely into it from what I’m seeing. He’s just hoping he doesn’t get an “erection”.
Fuck he’s totally the type of guy to say “get an erection” instead of “crack a fat” isn’t he. He’d hate me.
I am obsessed with this episode.
Even Layton and Melinda are providing the entertainment by breathing on each other.
Oh dear he’s gone in. Thoughts and prayers.
Melinda reckons he was “trying to stick some tongue in there”. I think she may be right:
“You definitely got the shot,” she tells them and yes kween. She really is a career woman.
Back to Horny Mum and Disney Daddy.
Disney Daddy is so cute. I die. He is so excited by the fact that Horny Mum loves a beer.
He loves how they are “connecting” and oh dear, he don’t even know.
Not everyone likes him though, including this woman who’s name is …
“Is he going to be boring? Is he going to be enough fun for her?” Olivia asks.
What’s not fun about Disney and Mario? Fucking hell. Protect Disney Daddy at all costs.
I truly hope he is one of the quiet achievers because he is going to either have the night of his life or run away screaming tonight.
OK, back to the rich wedding. Melinda’s bridesmaids like Layton. Melinda does not.
He offers her chicken and she says she can’t eat chicken. He’s happy because he wanted the chicken.
“So why offer then?” she snaps.
Melinda has definitely been hurt by rich men in the past. Or normal men. Or people. Or animals. I really don’t know. But Layton is copping it for unknown reasons.
She says it’s a turn off when someone tries to please her. Jesus. I feel bad for her obviously shit sex life.
Latyon’s giving her space because he is a self-aware king, but she thinks that he’s trying to recruit people to be on his side? Doll, I don’t think this is a competition?
“He knows what he’s doing,” she claims.
You know what? I think she LOVES him. This is how I act when I don’t want to like someone but I do.
Some chick tells her she’s being “surface-level” and OBSESSED.
“This whole room is team Layton,” Melinda says. “What have I missed?”
Meanwhile, The Real Housewives of Horny Mum have gathered for a roasting.
They’re doing the polite friend thing and nodding along as Horny Mum says how happy she is with Disney Daddy.
Horny Mum can sense they are full of shit. She calls them out on it.
“I’m worried he’s not enough for you,” one of them says.
“Wow,” she replies and mumsy is pissed off.
They’re explaining that he’s reserved and they want to see sparks. Horny mum is inhaling.
“I just think you will eat him alive, to be honest,” says the only brunette (who also said this at the ceremony).
Olivia tells her that she’s worried Disney Daddy won’t match Horny Mum’s energy.
I feel like she’s about to cry.
Give it a chance, women.
“You girls mean the world to me, and if you don’t like him, I’ll be totally heartbroken, because I have picked so wrong the last 1-20 years,” Horny Mum explains.
She’s exhausted. She’s tired. She’s ready. “For my besties not to be on board, it kills me,” she says.
“I don’t know if they can see what I’m seeing, but he’s a great guy! That’s just what I ordered, right? A kind, nice guy that was a dad. He brings amazing energy to me. He fills my cup.”
Oh mum!!!! I love this. Stick to your guns even if he doesn’t have any of the steroid kind.
Back to the money-makers. Layton is telling the story of the money tree and you can see the moment Melinda realises she’s a judgy a-hole.
Now she’s warming up to him. Good girl. Don’t judge a tree by its money.
Horny Mum’s sis is the voice of reason and confirms Disney Daddy is a big green flag.
“He has my heart, Sammy,” Horny Mum tells her.
“I can now set you free, he’s the one,” she replies.
WOW. Is this MAFS or … Notting Hill?
“They’re single and maybe they’re going to miss their single girlfriend?” Horny Mum explains. “I have done that role for so many years and I want to tap out.”
God this is relatable. Pour one out for the single gals who have to entertain their boring friends.
I’m getting whiplash from the chopping and changing between these weddings. But we’re at the less-good one and it’s time for them to sleep. Layton tells Melinda she’ll be fine in bed with him because he’s really tired.
He pisses off to do work on their wedding night. Romantic. But also a reflection of real life.
Meanwhile the more important couple is bonding over Disney Daddy’s Toy Story PJs.
Disney Daddy asks Horny Mum what her fave character is.
“Woody!”
He doesn’t get the joke. Bless.
She asks him if she should wear a black slip to bed or … nothing.
Disney Daddy likes that.
Tonight? She says he’s going to blow Disney Daddy’s … mind.
It’s the morning after now and fuck, power to the producers for going right in.
“Last night we just had a really lovely kiss and cuddle and went to bed,” he says.
BLESS THIS MAN!
Wait what.
We’re asking Horny Mum now.
“Was sex last night with Josh good? YES,” she says.
She basically tells us Disney Daddy has a big dick and is good in bed. She says she’s on the Disney Daddy train now and she’s not getting off. OR IS SHE.
But he is saying they didn’t do anything and are taking things slow?
The contrast here. I don’t need to spell it out to you. OK fine: Disney Daddy is private, Horny Mum is public.
Speaking of contrast, Horny Mum and Disney Daddy are going to Fiji while Melinda and Layton go to the Hawkesbury River. Lol, what a stitch-up for the moneybags couple.
Horny Mum is lathering Disney Daddy up and asks if she wants her to do his pecks. “Um, I’m good,” he replies. Is he scared? IDK.
It’s pool time now so it’s a good thing Horny Mum is already wet.
“That’s a really great costume that you have on,” he tells her. I think he is referring to her bikini.
“I’m hoping it doesn’t stay on for too long,” she laughs. Oh Horny Mum, do less.
She needs to sit on him in the pool because there’s just no space?!!!
She’s hoping that the showers will get him in the mood, because it’s something he’s clearly not in. She takes off her top to try and seduce him and he walks straight past.
I’m not going to put those screenshots here.
“If getting these girls out doesn’t work, I don’t know what’s going to make him turn his head!”
She can feel him pulling away. But she wants him to be Tarzan? I appreciate her for keeping all of these references to the Disney universe but just let him be … him?
Now she’s feeling insecure about how she looks and I also know this feeling. When you offer yourself, essentially, and get turned down by a gender who claims to always have sex on their mind. It’s a bit shit but also, perhaps his boner needs a break!
Layton and Mel are painting because there’s nothing else to do on the Hawkesbury River.
He feels like they’re getting closer but how about you speak to her portrait of you first, mate?
Meanwhile, Layton’s portrait of her looks like the cursed baby sun from Teletubbies?
Melinda must be pissed. That is all. Nothing else to report from those Porsche drivers.
Horny Mum addresses Disney Daddy and the cameras have caught them. She’s pissed off that he lied about their wedding night bang.
“I’ve got some integrity where I keep some things just for us,” he tells her.
She thinks he is being a liar.
She tells him it’s ok if he tells people he “fucked” her.
“I would never phrase it like that,” he replies and of course he wouldn’t. Sweet adult-man angel.
Asked by producers again, he says they have but he won’t go into detail. He has conservative parents. I wonder if they’ll be watching MAFS? I wonder if Disney Daddy and his Woody will make it out alive and uneaten? Time will tell.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
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