Let’s get this final vows over and done with and hopefully remind ourselves that love does not conquer all in the process.
Our Gen-Z lovebirds — as MAFS expert Mel Schilling likes to call them — Tahnee and Ollie are watching their wedding day back. If I recall correctly, it was the fateful day when he could not stop looking at her “titties” which is probably why he’s having a horrible time right now.
“My hair looks dumb and I look like an idiot and I can’t watch it,” he cringes. He eventually comes around and thinks it’s pretty cool that they have the cutesy footage to look back on. Tahnee starts sobbing and I too am sobbing because tell me this isn’t the relationship you want:
Ollie’s scared about being away from Tahnee over in Perth but at least he gets to go to the chocolate factory on his way out.
In other relationship news, Lyndall and Cam still appear to hate each other. “So last night was hectic,” Lyndall says, likely referring to Cam telling everyone he won’t ever love her over dinner.
He doesn’t think he’s said anything “bad but”. He also says even though he’s not falling in love with her it doesn’t mean he’s throwing the towel in. Why must he lead this woman on? Saved by the door knock.
Lyndall is very excited to see how her Bec & Bridge wedding dress looks on camera. I know this because I wore this exact dress as Maid of Honour.
OMG remember how horny Lyndall used to get over Cam saying, “I got you”? How we’ve all evolved since those wedding vows where people didn’t fuck spiders.
Oh wow, we’re not even going to entertain the idea of Evelyn and Rupert ending up together?
“I have given it all. Right now I’m over Rupert needing his diaper changed,” she says. Louder for the people accepting the bare minimum up the back.
Oh wow. We’re jumping straight to their vows because apparently they know exactly what they want to do. Surely Cam and Lyndall do too???
Anyway, love this sped up energy from Channel Nine. Rip off those bandaids.
Hopefully Rupert sweats and mumbles less today. Queen of Genovia pops her leg even though there are obviously no vibes for her here.
Oh my god this is predictably horrific.
Evelyn takes the reins like she always does in this relationship.
She kicks things off by saying their wedding day was awkward as fuck and never have truer words been spoken.
“I have developed genuinely strong feelings for you. But your words and actions have been hard for me to comprehend,” Evelyn tells him.
“It took you six weeks to take me on a single date. And that was only when I asked you. And that says a lot.”
I am howling. We don’t deserve this woman.
She thinks she fought for him but he didn’t fight for her, telling him, “So for this reason, I choose not to continue on in this relationship.”
When he finally figures out how to talk, Rupert tells his wife that he’s loved meeting her dogs. Pistol Pickles and Mustard?
I think he has enjoyed moments? SCREAMING at the producers for doing this:
“I’ve had such a fun time with you and would not have chosen anyone else to do this experience with,” he tells her. She lets out an “aw”.
“But to b-be to be honest. But a plat-platonic connection alone is not enough to sustain a healthy and loving relationship,” he continues.
OK, now I just feel like an asshole and am going to paraphrase.
He doesn’t think she was putting her best foot forward in this relationship.
He also wants her to find the love of her life so I guess that’s it for these two, in case it wasn’t already abundantly clear.
This is so weird. The “experts” royally fucked that one up didn’t they?
“The fact that he remembers my dogs’ names shows growth,” Evelyn says.
I’m going to miss how much this chick makes me laugh. What I don’t miss? Helping men grow for their next relationship.
One down. Two to go. Tahnee and Ollie are pretending long distance is a hurdle even though they’ve previously told the experts they’re willing to jump over it.
How are we only thirty minutes in and it’s already time for Ollie and Tahnee’s vows? What the hell is going to happen during Lyndall’s and Cam’s then? I’M READY.
Ollie’s reflecting ahead of Tahnee’s arrival. He is falling in love with her and HOW did Melinda reach this moment before these two? He’s worried about them living in the “furtherest two parts of Australia” and that their relationship will go backwards.
Is this Matty J‘s final rose? I’ve seen this before.
Naw they’re so happy to see each other and as if these two haven’t found their best friend in each other. I LOVE IT.
Tahnee tells Ollie she felt instant chemistry with him and that since the wedding day they’ve always come together as a team. She says she’s never felt such strong feelings before and starts crying.
“Coming into this experience I was looking for a best friend and I feel so lucky to have found that,” Tahnee tells Ollie. I knew it! I knew they were besties!
“I’m so grateful to have met you and I can’t thank the universe enough for aligning and putting us together.
“It’s crazy to think we were only strangers a few months ago and to see how far we’ve come.”
I too like to think about how much can change in a matter of months when nursing a broken heart.
“Ollie, I am falling in love with you and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us,” she finishes.
Fuck they’re cute. I’m going to make it my personal mission to be invited to their wedding.
Ollie’s eyes are perspiring because of the flowers. He better sort it out because it’s his turn.
Ollie says he didn’t think he’d be in this position three months ago. Wait, has it been three months? I thought it was only two? Time is but a construct, I guess.
“When we kissed I think we both agreed there was a spark. But sparks are only the start of something, and we’ve both had to work so hard on this relationship to get where we are today,” he says.
He says he found it funny other couples glossed over their relationship at dinner parties because he and Tahnee were consistently facing adversities that the others didn’t clock.
But they had a secret sauce! And that was how they tackled their issues.
It’s made him super proud to be with her and that’s all anyone wants, right? To have someone who’s proud to be with them? Asking for a friend.
“I wonder if we are being too naive about how tough it will be,” Ollie tells her or the distance.
“But, Tahnee, it doesn’t matter where I am. We can be anywhere, as long as I’m with you.
“This is not the end of this experiment. We’re just getting started.”
“Am I falling in love with you? Yep!” he tells her.
“I think the question we’ve been dancing around for the past few weeks is ‘Are we in a full-blown relationship?’”
“And I think the saying goes, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a bloody duck.”
Love is real, apparently.
“I kind of see this experiment as a relationship working backward,” Ollie says. This is a pretty interesting revelation considering he was worried about this relationship going backward all of five minutes ago.
Tahnee says she wouldn’t change anything but I think she’s forgetting the time she put Dan as one of her top three in the ranking task.
“They can line us up together but you’ve still go to put in the work, right? So I feel so proud of us that we put in the work, to be where we are now,” Ollie says.
Take notes! Do the work. Give your girl a Fiji-inspired date.
Two down. One to go.
Cam is in the NT and enjoying his “freedom” away from SKYE Suites’ prison cells (and Lyndall). He’s telling his mate that he’s just not vibing his wife but reckons she’s falling for him.
He doesn’t want to make sacrifices for Lyndall. He’d prefer to be hit by lighting and put out of his misery.
Lyndall is back in Perth and misses Cam “a bit”.
She’s catching up with her mum who at this point is not peer pressuring anyone to hug against their will.
Lyndall tells her that Cam can’t ever see himself falling in love with her and if that’s the case, WHY ARE WE HERE.
She tells mum she wants to try even though he told all of her friends he can’t see himself falling in love with her. The reason for this is because she’s wanted to be someone’s partner for so long.
It’s MAFS final vows time and I am unsurprised to see Lyndall in yet another Bec & Bridge dress.
OMG LOL. Cam says he’s only put “about 10 minutes” thought into his decision for final vows. And he’s definitely not sorry about it. “I don’t miss Lyndall. That’s the hard truth.”
OK it’s time. Other than him telling her she looks beautiful in another piece from Bec & Bridge’s bridal collection, they don’t look very happy to see each other.
She tells Cam she came to this experiment with “the simple goal of finding love” and who’s going to tell this woman it ain’t so simple? Otherwise there’d be no need for this horseshit.
“I came here the happiest, healthiest version of myself yet,” she tells him, noting that the wedding day was one of the best days of her life. Just like a real wedding!
“Unfortunately at one point or another, the man I met at our wedding started fading away,” she continues.
She says he couldn’t handle confrontation and warned her to stay in her lane if she didn’t want him to run from her.
“I constantly had to beg for a shred of affection, your time, your attention and support when I was hurting. I felt like I was a burden and being there for me, as my partner, was an inconvenience.”
She says she drove herself insane trying to turn herself into his perfect partner.
“I realised there was never anything I could do to be the partner you wanted because you simply don’t want one.”
“This entire relationship has been on your terms and your terms alone. My patience has been challenged. My commitment has been taken for granted. Relationships mean you work with people through their flaws, but you don’t forgive them for treating you poorly.”
She says Cystic Fibrosis has made her resilient. “I have now been given a miracle, a fresh start,” she tells him.
“I won’t spend another moment of that life restricted — not by my condition, not by my body, not by fear and certainly not by you.”
God she’s articulate. I’ll give her that.
“So to put it plainly, stay in your lane, and I’ll stay in mine.”
“I want to build a life I’m proud of. And that life does not include you,” she finishes.
Did he just say “well said”? THIS MAN.
He is about to whip out his vows but she’s stopping him.
“I just feel like no matter what you say today, it’s only going to disappoint me again.”
“And I think I’m just done,” she finishes.
He throws his palm cards on the ground and says, “You can have them then!” and storms off in the most competitive dumping battle I ever did see.
“Put me in a car! I’m outta here!” Cam storms off.
Lyndall steps away to take a dump in the garden.
She’s not surprised that Cam spat the dummy and couldn’t handle that conversation. I mean, was she letting him have a “conversation”?
I think the poo’s done and now she’s doing yoga.
“You know what, mate? You had every chance and you lost me,” she says.
You guys. That’s it. MAFS is over.
JOKES! See you Sunday for the reunion which I am low-key scared for.
P.S If you need more of a debrief, I’ll be going live on PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Facebook once the ep’s over.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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