Welcome back to another MAFS Commitment Ceremony. And another MAFS recap. I hope you enjoyed having a life over the last four days.
Let’s do this. Jesse and Claire are still getting along and bonding over their bedtime foot fetishes. I would’ve thought footplay gave Jesse the ick but go off, celebrant. Thank god for sage! It was the sage!
They toast to how hot she looks and if this becomes a trend then homegirl is going to be blotto for the rest of this MAFS Season.
The sexless and loveless MAFS marriage of Disney Daddy (Josh) and Horny Mum (Melissa) still appears to be sexless and loveless. Disney Daddy is definitely writing leave tonight but trying not to tell her he’s writing leave but she knows he’s writing leave.
Shannon is ironing topless again, but unless it’s someone with good insides to match (like Prince Eric/Duncan), I am not showing a screenshot of it. I will not have anyone thinking with their dicks or vaginas when it comes to that man.
It’s MAFS Commitment Ceremony time and MAFS expert John Aiken warns them that he saw what happened at the dinner party. And that there will be accountability. LOL at Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) shitting bricks — a welcome emotion considering how full of shit he is.
Jesse and Claire are first, quickly proving that if you put effort into fuck week you can overcome anything. And by anything I mean silencing, aggression, jealousy and judgement. Yay.
Jesse admits that he likes Claire (because she is very likeable). Claire doesn’t really say it back (awkward) but dances around it by saying things are going well.
They tell the MAFS experts that they have not kissed but are hot for each other and hold on, were we not at the same MAFS wedding? They totally smewched after Claire gave him a crystal?
They both write “stay” and Claire even managed to do it in a readable size this time. They hope they can report back on their first kiss next week even though it’s not their first kiss.
Off they go to join the other MAFS tributes and this visual will live rent free in my mind — a good thing given the cost of being a tenant right now.
Bronte and Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) are up and if John does not metaphorically slap him on the wrist I will require a refund on tonight’s MAFS episode.
Bunnings Daddy basically says that Bronte was “deceitful” and she has apologised and now everything’s better.
Bronte, sis, you are better than this.
Thankfully John brings up the fact that Bunnings Daddy got another woman’s number. But Bunnings Daddy tells John that he did that to be “empathetic to her feelings”. “Her” being the woman giving the number.
Bronte says her husband is a good-looking man and please, his ego does not need any more stroking.
MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla chimes in: “So what you’re saying is because he’s good-looking — to some people — it’s not his fault?”
Alessandra, you fucking queen. Literally. “To some people” has sent not only me but everyone in the room. Including Bronte.
“I suppose it could be seen as a breach of trust,” Bunnings Daddy tells John.
John wants to know if Bunnings Daddy would’ve told his MAFS wife if the group had not brought it up.
“I don’t know,” Bunnings Daddy tells John (who mysteriously does not have his index finger penetrating his temple for once).
“Probably not,” Bunnings Daddy confirms. Regardless, Bronte trusts her MAFS husband, explaining that it’s been worse with him in the past. Doll, no.
We cannot celebrate bad behaviour just because it’s better than the last shit thing they did? Would you drink off milk just because you once had a sandwich with maggots in it? I think not.
Bunnings Daddy has now emulated his inner actor and is whipping out deep one-liners that are pulled straight from a rom-com. How is she buying this?
They choose to stay which is unfortunate for the other nine couples.
Also, where is the Dan and Bunnings Daddy bro-down I dreamt about?
Bronte says she might end up with egg on her face and I promised myself I’d be less inappropriate this week so I’m just going to leave that there.
Like clockwork, Dan and Sandy are up next.
Sandy says she would not put up with her MAFS husband getting someone else’s number. Bronte’s cheekbones when she’s expressionless — wow. Inspiring.
Sandy says she doesn’t believe someone like Bunnings Daddy over her MAFS husband and her “pataka” came out.
Can the experts please share what they saw? Alessandra asks for Daniel’s decision and excuse me, who the fuck is Daniel? They both choose to stay.
Tahnee and Ollie stay (shock!!), and Janelle and Crypto Bro (Adam) also stay, crediting their horny photoshoot for putting them in a good place.
Layton and Melinda are struggling to not argue because they’re just so passionate, you guys. Sounds like a great recipe for hate sex? Lucky they’re also staying, hopefully to find exactly that out.
Disney Daddy and Horny Mum take to the Couch of Ouch and it’s quite clear that they despise each other.
Horny Mum confirms things are “not great” and MAFS expert Mel Schilling‘s reaction has sent snot out of my nose. She took a big whiff of something.
Horny Mum explains that she felt “suppressed” during Fucc Week and couldn’t talk about sex because of Disney Daddy’s conservativeness. Her words.
Then she says she feels like the “alpha” and that she’s more “dominant”.
Disney Daddy reminds his MAFS wife that he is not a 40-year-old virgin and that they were intimate Friday and Saturday. He continues by saying there is a “control” issue in this relationship and Horny Mum has attempted to control the below:
- His access to the TV
- His access to his mobile phone
- The times he reads his books
- When he can go out
- Who he talks to and when he talks to them
- His dick
- OK, he didn’t say the last one
“She has used degrading and dehumanising language to me, questioning my manhood. So when we talk about getting to the core of the issue, that is the core of the issue right there,” he says.
TELL THEM DISNEY DADDY. I love it when he lets it rip. Which is rare but amazing.
“And can I say, if I was a woman saying these things, the crowd would feel very differently,” he continues.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
John asks Horny Mum if she thinks Disney Daddy is “man enough” for her. Her response?
“I just feel like he’s just not a big man.”
Disgusting way to answer that question. Size does not equal masculinity.
“I’m used to a man. I want a manly man.”
“One of the most frustrating things is when someone says ‘You’re not a man,’” Prince Eric chimes in.
“What is a man? A man is someone who can really talk about their emotions and get deep and be vulnerable.
“That’s a man. What a man isn’t is someone who just wants to chop it up and not talk about anything. To me, that’s not a man.”
“Any indication of a man, I’ve got that from Josh more than anyone else,” Layton adds. Tahnee is also very uspet.
MAFS expert Mel asks how she would feel if Josh was saying these things about her; that she wasn’t woman enough.
She says “pretty shit aye” but not in those exact words. She then proceeds to say that their night of being intimate was “just sex”. And “just a transaction”?!
“It wasn’t how I imagined to have an amazing sex life with someone, it was just physical. And that was quite awful.”
“We were drunk and it was just really awkward.”
John asks Horny Mum, a grown-ass woman, mind you, what possessed her to tell the MAFS experts this information right now.
John tells her it was a low blow and to look at her husband, who she has truly treated like a disposable dildo.
Oh no, he is breaking down and so is my heart.
MAFS expert Mel says Horny Mum is diminishing him as a person, and yeah, I’ve never seen a man look like a shell of himself the way Disney Daddy does right now.
This is so sad. He is overwhelmed. “I feel like I’m pretty broken,” Disney Daddy says before walking out.
Da Boiz follow him. Who else is obsessed with Prince Eric right now?
This is a hot mess. She says sorry but a bit too late, sunshine. Decision time.
“I’m leaving. I can’t stay here anymore. I want to go home and see my kids,” Disney Daddy tells the MAFS experts.
Fuck a duck Horny Mum decided to leave but then crossed it out and said “stay”.
John is going to do something he’s never done! He thinks there’s no coming back from this for Disney Daddy (uh, he’d be right) and is letting him choose whether he stays or not.
“Thanks, I’d like to leave,” he tells John. I’m happy he is able to remove himself from this situation but I’m sad to see him go.
Prince Eric and Alyssa are up now and after seeing his speech about men, I’ve never been more interested in hearing him speak.
Prince Eric says Fucc Week was a mix of dominance and delicacy for the pair. I’m so jealous right now. I want to dominate his delicacy. Or he can dominate my non-existent delicacy. Whatever suits! Whatever you want! I didn’t know you were a man of substance!
Lyndall and Cam are up. They discuss how Lyndall wanted to tell every man and his dog about seeing Shannon with a woman and child. But Lyndall wanted to brainstorm how to tell the others with Cam.
Cam says it’s been a “rocky road” but he wants to stay so he can… eat it? Lyndall also stays and who knew this gal was a Swiftie?
Caitlin and Shannon are up and I’m terrified. This looks like such a shit time:
Shannon was anticipating a lot worse at the MAFS dinner party? Caitlin tells John that Shannon said she wasn’t attractive and if there was someone who wowed him then he would’ve cut things with his ex. Even just rewriting it makes me mad.
Shannon can’t tell John why he’s been such an asswipe. “Does it matter? It doesn’t!” Shannon says. “I said them just to hurt her.”
Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.
Shannon says he is sorry. I do not care.
He’s “gutted” but he wants to stay. DUDE. You are gutted?
John can’t let Disney Daddy bail but make Caitlin stay, right? RIGHT? Idea: this could be a good chance to couple swap but unfortunately, Disney Daddy and Caitlin are both too broken to enter new relationships right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Shannon and Horny Mum will walk away relatively unscathed for their next union, whoever that’s with.
Anyway, Shannon says he has a gut feeling telling him to stay. John asks why he should believe him; what he’s going to do differently.
Shannon says he will listen to her and not belittle her, which should be assumed in a relationship but we are talking about Shannon here.
John tells him to turn to Caitlin and tell her how he’s going to be better.
He turns to her, tells her to come back to the house, (can’t look at her in the eyes while doing this, mind you) and says they can at least be friends because he doesn’t want it to end like this? This… sounds like she’s doing you a favour, buddy.
He says he will buy her flowers and have a conversation where he will give her the slightest bit of respect.
Again, this should be the bare minimum you give someone — not a concerted effort. My god.
He says he’d like to give her a hug. He looks like me on day four of being nicotine free.
Shannon then calls himself a “monster” and thanks for jumping in to clarify that one sweetness.
He says he puts people down in relationships to make him feel better about himself. Ten points for self-awareness you delicate turd.
Caitlin says she deserves to be treated like a human.
And then I literally cry for the next five minutes as she stays true to her self-worth. As does everyone else.
Shannon slaps his ring down and walks off — that’s one less cockroach to deal with.
See you for the next MAFS recap where Claire tells Jesse something which likely rhymes with ‘I lucked Tadam.’
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
