We’ve been promised scandals at this MAFS dinner party so consider me ready. I’m scared of any and all things Shannon, though. He is literally “that guy” that everyone tells you not to be. You know that one. That guy.
I digress. Prince Eric (Duncan) is ironing topless again so I guess there is a God after all.
Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) thinks the heat’s going to be off him tonight but the colour of his face has a different idea, me thinks.
Caitlin is disgusted by Shannon’s behaviour (same) but doesn’t wanna throw in the towel, However, she is about to stand the fuck up!
Look, I’m not sure you can come back from someone saying you’re not hot enough but if she wants to try, I guess I have time for a few more distressing breakdowns this MAFS 2023 season.
I know it’s only going to get worse from Shannon — and we don’t even have to wait that long! He is the worst so here’s proof that even a good rig can’t trump being a dickbrain.
Claire saw Shannon with a child (his daughter?) and another woman (his ex?). The worst part? He looked at Claire and gestured “shhh” — and we all know homegirl hates a shush.
Jesse is shook by this information.
What does he remind me of? Someone help it’s doing my head in. Hint: it’s not Jack Sparrow, Chris Angel or Edward Scissorhands.
Lyndall saw Shannon shushing and daddying too. But after the last time she spilled the baked beans (e.g. Crypto Bro/Adam‘s comments about going home with Claire), Cam’s feeling very stressed about the abilities of her mouth.
He proceeds to say “every man and his dog” about 17 times before saying he didn’t “sign up for drama” and lol — can someone hand this flop his signed MAFS contract?
Alright, it’s MAFS dinner party time. Melinda and Layton arrive first but, surprise surprise, she is not happy with his RSL pour.
More people pile into this warehouse thing they eat at, meaning there are now an ample amount of blondes to discuss sex on one couch. Seriously, where are the brunettes? Or gingers (with souls, of course)? I’m sick of making jokes about the Four Blondes.
Oh look, the girl band have invited a new member — Caitlin — who is telling them what a demon Shannon was to her this week.
Lyndall takes it upon herself to over-empathise once again with some telling facials. She’d be shit at poker.
Da Galz tell our precious Caitlin about the shush moment. She said Shannon said he was going out with his cousin, but is obviously not believing that now. She cries and at this point, I’m surprised her tear ducts aren’t experiencing a drought.
“He’s just as shady as his fucking tan,” Janelle says and consider me deceased. I was wondering when someone was going to bring up how… different he looked this week.
It’s a joy to see Caitlin smile after a week of getting pooed on.
Speaking of poo, Shannon has arrived and Caitlin is being nice to him because she is quite clearly the opposite of this douche monkey.
Claire bloody hates the niceties and is ready to ream Shannon at dinner. I am also ready. Why do I feel like I’m watching an episode of Pretty Little Liars tonight?
Claire is asking Shannon who he was with on the weekend. Why is he smiling? He’s so demonic and rubs me in the way no woman wants to be rubbed.
He is being really cunty and asking Claire who she thinks it was, before looping Caitlin into the conversation to get her to clarify who he was with.
Oh great, now he’s making a spectacle of it and asking the whole table if they want to know. I think Prince Eric would like to know!
He says it was his cousin and his second cousin and starts being an asshole because he thinks it’s so dumb that Claire would think his 12-year-old second cousin was his four-year-old daughter. I don’t know if those ages are correct but also, I don’t care. I didn’t come here to talk about infants.
Melinda wants to ID the cousin against the ex and I actually can see this queen working for the FBI, hey.
Shannon is laughing it all off. I don’t know what’s funny? People wouldn’t have questioned you if you didn’t give them a reason to question you? Cousin or not, you’re a fuckface.
In other news, Dan and Sandy are being affectionate but Janelle is stressed. Scrap that, she’s sad because she’s really conflicted — she knows something but doesn’t know whether or not she should share it.
She wants Tahnee‘s advice. Yet another blonde.
Maybe she and Tahnee could role-play Janelle’s admission as practice? Tahnee glikely ot some roleplaying under her belt this week! Why not!
Janelle tells Tahnee that she heard Crypto Bro on a phone call with Bunnings Daddy. During it, there was chit-chat about Dan getting a girl’s number. I’d be more surprised if I didn’t know Dan ended up with the woman in the orange dress from his very own MAFS wedding.
“Dan as in Sandy’s Dan?” Tahnee asks and doll, there is not other Dan. Is there another Dan? Whether’s the other Dan. Givvus another Dan!
Janelle says she doesn’t want to tell Sandy — sweet, angelic Sandy — in case it’s a betrayal to Crypto Bro and Bunnings Daddy. LOL, it’s cute that anyone gives a fuck about betraying Bunnings Daddy when his sole purpose seems to be betraying… women.
Bunnings Daddy says that when he was out, there was a girl who thought he was hot. WE GET IT MATE YOU THINK YOUR HOT.
He says he got her number but then deleted it. Nice try, literally no one is believing that. You dug your own grave, buddy. But wait, does this have anything to do with Dan? I’m confused.
Ollie asks if Janelle’s source is credible and look, it’s Bunnings Daddy coming over for a chat — a non-credible source who tells them to drop it.
Then he realises that Janelle thinks the phone number story is about Dan — and not him, who actually did it — and takes advantage of the miscommunication.
Like, really take advantage of it. He thinks it’s a “miracle” that Janelle got her wires crossed. He says he’ll go talk to Dan about this situation because clearly, he is an asshole who wants to control the narrative. Here I was thinking he just hated women! Silly me!
“I have to just let him take the hit on that,” Bunnings Daddy and what the fuck is wrong with this man. He’s so focused on hanging out in his own ass that he forgets about other people’s feelings and relationships.
Dan didn’t do shit, but he’s a decent human who wants to tell Sandy about the situation so that everything’s out in the open.
She’s being a bit defensive but says she reacting because she likes him. Sandy removes herself to have a minute after hearing Dan say that he did… nothing.
It’s Bunnings Daddy’s turn to talk to Bronte. He says he wants to preFACE a story with her and I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s pronounced but go off, stripper.
Bronte believes her pathetic excuse for a husband, who justifies taking the girl’s number by saying he didn’t want to reject her in front of others. Has Bronte ever been cheated on? I wouldn’t be so blasé about this.
Dan asks Crypto Bro about his phone call with Bunnings Daddy. Crypto Bro tells Dan that he was told he got a girl’s number.
Oh, dear. Dan has realised that Bunnings Daddy is a fib lord and not a minute too soon.
Side note: the number exchange happened in Bondi. Why does this shit always happen in Bondi? Bitches on heat in the East and I say this with love because I too am one.
Claire asks Bunnings Daddy for the story.
“Some girls came up to us at a bar,” he replies and why do I feel like this is how every bad joke starts?
Melinda can’t understand how it ever got to the point of a girl asking for, or giving, a number. She makes a valid point because there are a few steps before that and even after the endorphins of the Bondi to Bronte walk, girls wearing STAX know how to read a room.
It’s a hot mess that goes around and around in circles. Bronte’s all like “whatever I trust him” but I hope Dan channels his inner-Liam Neeson in time for the next MAFS recap.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
