Welcome back to another MAFS recap where the MAFS 2023 cast bond over blue balls as Intimacy Week continues.
To kick this MAFS episode off, we have a two-minute reel of Prince Erin (Duncan) being hot which is great television, if I do say so myself. Prince Eric and Alyssa have not engaged in any penetration and is this music making anyone else horny?
Kill that horniness now because we’re about to catch up with Horny Mum (Melissa) and Disney Daddy (Josh). He is going through the bag of unused sex toys which he thinks look like audio speakers you could pick up from JB Hi-Fi.
The vibrating cock ring? “Also looks like a mouse if you want to hook it up to the computer,” Disney Daddy says.
Shannon is creating some kind of weird date-night situation and good luck, bruh. He is getting her food from an Irish pub. What’s running through his head?
“Suspense — a lot. Is it ‘anticipated’ the word? Euphoria as well,” Shannon explains. He doesn’t know if euphoria is the right word and I don’t know if any of his vocabulary contains the right words, to be honest.
Shannon gives Caitlin a card to celebrate their two-week anniversary and if my relationship looked like this after two weeks, I’d be be running for the fucking hills. Actually, I would probably stay because I prefer toxicity over loneliness. Wow, I can’t believe I just said (wrote) that.
Claire is taking Jesse to the crystal shop and wow, she’s really testing him at this point, isn’t she? He is stoked.
Bronte is going to chat with Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) and I have a headache already. He’s butthurt that Bronte didn’t go on the date with him and his photo frame.
She doesn’t care to talk about his (clearly wrong) definition of gaslighting and wants to wipe their disgustingly dirty slate clean. Bunnings Daddy says he’s doing the tasks without her and well done, son, talk to me when the tasks don’t involve cock rings.
Now they’re doing the eye-gazing task and I would hate to look at this face for five minutes.
Bunnings Daddy has imagining-you-naked eyes and it makes me unwell. Bronte thinks it was goooood! And that they did wallll!!
Melinda and Layton have to stare at each other now. How do people do this without having sex?
Layton keeps talking because uh, looking at someone in the eyes for five minutes is the most awkward shit ever.
Melinda is not impressed with his efforts. The next task is a sensual kiss but Melinda throws a hard pass at that one. I mean, sure. If Layton can’t put effort into that either, I’d avoid a stationary tongue too.
Alyssa and Prince Eric are doing it (the kissing task, not the deed), though! But it won’t be going into Grandma’s Mormon newsletter?
They’re laying down now and she’s grabbing hold of the cushion, which makes me want to see where his hands are.
Meanwhile, Jesse is proving he doesn’t totally suck by writing a list of all the things he likes about Claire. Here they are:
- Naturally beautiful
- Party-starter
- Instigator
- Cool things happen because of her
- Kind person
- Honest person
- Good communicator
- Courageous, curious and fun
- Infectious
Super cute, no? I struggle to think of one thing I like about myself let alone 20 things for someone I’ve hooked up with once, but go off, celebrant.
The Kindy assistant gives him an A+ and decides he can move back in. He also likes Claire’s kee-kee-kee laugh so he would love me. They are saging each other and who even is Jesse? Maybe you really can change a man. No! No! This goes against years of therapy I never had but should’ve. YEARS.
Great, we’re back to Alyssa and Prince Eric and why am I so invested in them having sex? Prince Eric is giving his mermaid a massage and please tell me when a bedroom rub hasn’t resulted in hanky panky?
He is addressing the feet now.
Prince Eric’s talking about tectonic plates but the only plates I’m seeing are his perfectly sized dinner ones.
Melinda is patronising Layton. She is not happy and wants to know if their date is a “dress activity” because she can’t choose between the little black dress or the little black dress.
They finally get out the door and they are going dancing. Melinda is loving the… wait for it… effort. And not just any effort. Conscious effort! Where’s a polyamorous couple when you need ’em.
Prince Eric has a morning glow because he hath forked his Ariel.
Alyssa confirms that she’s the luckiest woman in the MAFS experiment after seeing Prince Eric’s man parts.
Meanwhile, a pussy and a tradie are doing a photoshoot.
OK no, I hate this. Why are we crushing tomatoes? I still have PTSD from La Tomatina.
Tahnee and Ollie are discussing roleplay where she could be the criminal and he could get her off!
Caitlin and Shannon are about to eye-gaze but why do I feel like Shannon would be someone who anal-gazes? Just a hunch. Feels like an activity assholes do.
Caitlin seems to be enjoying herself so I know they are setting us up for more asshole-y behaviour to come out of Shannon’s… ass.
There it is. Shannon doesn’t think he’s physically attracted to Caitlin after spending five minutes assessing her natural beauty with makeup on while she had the audacity to have emotions. That’s what happens when you’re in love with someone else!
Jesus, this mug is symbolic isn’t it?
“I don’t want to be cuddling up to someone and doing it when I don’t want to,” he says and I hate him.
“They’re really nice, they’re really lovely, that’s great, but if you’re not physically attracted to them, I don’t know.” Pretty sure Caitlin’s pronouns are she/her. Why is he speaking like this?
Caitlin can sense the emotional distance from her MAFS husband. She doesn’t know why and I also really don’t want her to find out.
“The attraction’s low,” he tells her. But I also didn’t see those words come out of his mouth while he was sitting across from her, so I don’t fully believe he said it to her face.
“You are a good-looking girl, just not in my eyes,” he continues. Wow.
“I thought you were going to come down that aisle and completely blow me away.” Please stop, Shannon.
Now he’s blaming his lingering feelings for his ex on his lack of attraction to Caitlin? At least that’s what I’m hearing.
“So what you’re saying is, you were hoping you’d see someone who would make you cut things with your ex instantly?” Caitlin asks. “And you didn’t and that’s why that happened.”
Is he… laughing?
Poor Caitlin (love those nails, looks like she and Claire went to the same manicurist), she’s really breaking down. And as if you wouldn’t! No one wants to be told they’re not attractive enough.
She’s shaking and it makes me sick that she had to sit there and listen to a man say this to her. The lasting damage he and MAFS are going to cause her, fucking hell.
“That whole conversation was about how I’m not good enough,” she cries. “How if I had walked down the aisle and blown him away, none of that stuff with his ex would’ve happened, like it was my fault.”
I am broken for this girl.
“I’ve done nothing but support him and tell him it’s OK and tell him he deserves to be here,” she says.
“I came here because I wanted to find love. And I wanted to love someone and I wanted someone to love me.”
This is actually really distressing and I’m not even in the passenger seat. How is this episode not over yet? Please tell me this doesn’t get any worse.
OK, Caitlin has now manifested her sadness into anger. She’s mad! Same!
She tells Shannon that she was gobsmacked by that discussion. How does he reply? “You’ve been gobsmacked by every discussion.”
I’m sorry, but maybe you should go to speech pathology before shitting on a girl’s appearance.
Caitlin tells him that her reaction is justified and that it’s her turn to talk.
“What are you, my teacher? Alright, dad,” he says in the most cunty fashion.
Someone pick my jaw up off the floor.
Caitlin tells him his behaviour was “degrading” and a “kick to the guts”.
I’m actually so scared of what this muppet (Shannon) is going to say next. He thinks he has to apologise for everything.
“This is me defending myself because I deserve to be defended and I deserve to love myself and I deserve to sit here and say, ‘I am beautiful’ whether you think so or not. I am kind and I am strong,” Caitlin tells him.
YES SIS.
“Shan, you don’t need to love me. You don’t even need to like me. But you do need to respect me. Because I’m a brilliant person. I’m amazing.”
YES YOU ARE. ILY CAITLIN.
“I’m not going to sit here and cop it anymore. I deserve better.”
YES YOU DO.
Tomorrow night’s dinner party looks seriously deranged. See you then.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
