Welcome back to another MAFS recap where the MAFS 2023 cast bond over blue balls as Intimacy Week continues.

To kick this MAFS episode off, we have a two-minute reel of Prince Erin (Duncan) being hot which is great television, if I do say so myself. Prince Eric and Alyssa have not engaged in any penetration and is this music making anyone else horny?

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
music or Prince Eric in an apron, one of the two

Kill that horniness now because we’re about to catch up with Horny Mum (Melissa) and Disney Daddy (Josh). He is going through the bag of unused sex toys which he thinks look like audio speakers you could pick up from JB Hi-Fi.

The vibrating cock ring? “Also looks like a mouse if you want to hook it up to the computer,” Disney Daddy says.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
not really but go off, Thor

Shannon is creating some kind of weird date-night situation and good luck, bruh. He is getting her food from an Irish pub. What’s running through his head?

“Suspense — a lot. Is it ‘anticipated’ the word? Euphoria as well,” Shannon explains. He doesn’t know if euphoria is the right word and I don’t know if any of his vocabulary contains the right words, to be honest.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
Miriam Wobster told me that one

Shannon gives Caitlin a card to celebrate their two-week anniversary and if my relationship looked like this after two weeks, I’d be be running for the fucking hills. Actually, I would probably stay because I prefer toxicity over loneliness. Wow, I can’t believe I just said (wrote) that.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
beats yet another TikTok scroll for parasocial companionship

Claire is taking Jesse to the crystal shop and wow, she’s really testing him at this point, isn’t she? He is stoked.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
rocks, cool

Bronte is going to chat with Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) and I have a headache already. He’s butthurt that Bronte didn’t go on the date with him and his photo frame.

She doesn’t care to talk about his (clearly wrong) definition of gaslighting and wants to wipe their disgustingly dirty slate clean. Bunnings Daddy says he’s doing the tasks without her and well done, son, talk to me when the tasks don’t involve cock rings.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
I had so much fun with the fleshlight task baby

Now they’re doing the eye-gazing task and I would hate to look at this face for five minutes.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
u want dis don’t u
mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
I don’t like jackhammers

Bunnings Daddy has imagining-you-naked eyes and it makes me unwell. Bronte thinks it was goooood! And that they did wallll!!

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
loves it!!!!!!

Melinda and Layton have to stare at each other now. How do people do this without having sex?

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
les bone

Layton keeps talking because uh, looking at someone in the eyes for five minutes is the most awkward shit ever.

Melinda is not impressed with his efforts. The next task is a sensual kiss but Melinda throws a hard pass at that one. I mean, sure. If Layton can’t put effort into that either, I’d avoid a stationary tongue too.

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
ur tacky and I hate u

Alyssa and Prince Eric are doing it (the kissing task, not the deed), though! But it won’t be going into Grandma’s Mormon newsletter?

mafs recap mafs 2023 mafs australia
I am not jealous, not at all

They’re laying down now and she’s grabbing hold of the cushion, which makes me want to see where his hands are.

I think he may have found the clit

Meanwhile, Jesse is proving he doesn’t totally suck by writing a list of all the things he likes about Claire. Here they are:

  • Naturally beautiful
  • Party-starter
  • Instigator
  • Cool things happen because of her
  • Kind person
  • Honest person
  • Good communicator
  • Courageous, curious and fun
  • Infectious
I have decided that u are actually the best and I was wrong all these (two) weeks

Super cute, no? I struggle to think of one thing I like about myself let alone 20 things for someone I’ve hooked up with once, but go off, celebrant.

mafs recap
I hath turned my licks into turn-ons, success

The Kindy assistant gives him an A+ and decides he can move back in. He also likes Claire’s kee-kee-kee laugh so he would love me. They are saging each other and who even is Jesse? Maybe you really can change a man. No! No! This goes against years of therapy I never had but should’ve. YEARS.

I love a project

Great, we’re back to Alyssa and Prince Eric and why am I so invested in them having sex? Prince Eric is giving his mermaid a massage and please tell me when a bedroom rub hasn’t resulted in hanky panky?

yeah! take ur tops off!

He is addressing the feet now.

oh Ariel, I love your new feet

Prince Eric’s talking about tectonic plates but the only plates I’m seeing are his perfectly sized dinner ones.

it only counts if u saw a nipple!

Melinda is patronising Layton. She is not happy and wants to know if their date is a “dress activity” because she can’t choose between the little black dress or the little black dress.

They finally get out the door and they are going dancing. Melinda is loving the… wait for it… effort. And not just any effort. Conscious effort! Where’s a polyamorous couple when you need ’em.

mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2023
damien, u up?

Prince Eric has a morning glow because he hath forked his Ariel.

mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2023
I can’t wait to tell Sebastian

Alyssa confirms that she’s the luckiest woman in the MAFS experiment after seeing Prince Eric’s man parts.

mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2023
darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter

Meanwhile, a pussy and a tradie are doing a photoshoot.

mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2023
Janelle and the pussycats

OK no, I hate this. Why are we crushing tomatoes? I still have PTSD from La Tomatina.

triggered in more ways than one

Tahnee and Ollie are discussing roleplay where she could be the criminal and he could get her off!

mafs recap mafs australia mafs 2023
I do not object

Caitlin and Shannon are about to eye-gaze but why do I feel like Shannon would be someone who anal-gazes? Just a hunch. Feels like an activity assholes do.

Caitlin seems to be enjoying herself so I know they are setting us up for more asshole-y behaviour to come out of Shannon’s… ass.

will I regret this gaze
soz sheila

There it is. Shannon doesn’t think he’s physically attracted to Caitlin after spending five minutes assessing her natural beauty with makeup on while she had the audacity to have emotions. That’s what happens when you’re in love with someone else!

i’m fucked

Jesus, this mug is symbolic isn’t it?

Shannon’s evolving face over the last week

“I don’t want to be cuddling up to someone and doing it when I don’t want to,” he says and I hate him.

“They’re really nice, they’re really lovely, that’s great, but if you’re not physically attracted to them, I don’t know.” Pretty sure Caitlin’s pronouns are she/her. Why is he speaking like this?

cry me a river fuckface

Caitlin can sense the emotional distance from her MAFS husband. She doesn’t know why and I also really don’t want her to find out.

“The attraction’s low,” he tells her. But I also didn’t see those words come out of his mouth while he was sitting across from her, so I don’t fully believe he said it to her face.

“You are a good-looking girl, just not in my eyes,” he continues. Wow.

ur emotional intelligence matches ur emotional availability

“I thought you were going to come down that aisle and completely blow me away.” Please stop, Shannon.

i’ll blow u alright and i’ll bite it off in the process u cunt

Now he’s blaming his lingering feelings for his ex on his lack of attraction to Caitlin? At least that’s what I’m hearing.

“So what you’re saying is, you were hoping you’d see someone who would make you cut things with your ex instantly?” Caitlin asks. “And you didn’t and that’s why that happened.”

yes! that’s it! My vocabulary helped me explain something!

Is he… laughing?

Poor Caitlin (love those nails, looks like she and Claire went to the same manicurist), she’s really breaking down. And as if you wouldn’t! No one wants to be told they’re not attractive enough.

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia

She’s shaking and it makes me sick that she had to sit there and listen to a man say this to her. The lasting damage he and MAFS are going to cause her, fucking hell.

“That whole conversation was about how I’m not good enough,” she cries. “How if I had walked down the aisle and blown him away, none of that stuff with his ex would’ve happened, like it was my fault.”

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia

I am broken for this girl.

“I’ve done nothing but support him and tell him it’s OK and tell him he deserves to be here,” she says.

“I came here because I wanted to find love. And I wanted to love someone and I wanted someone to love me.”

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia

This is actually really distressing and I’m not even in the passenger seat. How is this episode not over yet? Please tell me this doesn’t get any worse.

OK, Caitlin has now manifested her sadness into anger. She’s mad! Same!

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia
u know wot, fuk that, he says words like “pressureful” and i can do better

She tells Shannon that she was gobsmacked by that discussion. How does he reply? “You’ve been gobsmacked by every discussion.”

I’m sorry, but maybe you should go to speech pathology before shitting on a girl’s appearance.

Caitlin tells him that her reaction is justified and that it’s her turn to talk.

“What are you, my teacher? Alright, dad,” he says in the most cunty fashion.

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia
where the fuck did they find this dude

Someone pick my jaw up off the floor.

Caitlin tells him his behaviour was “degrading” and a “kick to the guts”.

mafs 2023 mafs recap mafs australia
wot does degrading mean

I’m actually so scared of what this muppet (Shannon) is going to say next. He thinks he has to apologise for everything.

“This is me defending myself because I deserve to be defended and I deserve to love myself and I deserve to sit here and say, ‘I am beautiful’ whether you think so or not. I am kind and I am strong,” Caitlin tells him.


“Shan, you don’t need to love me. You don’t even need to like me. But you do need to respect me. Because I’m a brilliant person. I’m amazing.”


“I’m not going to sit here and cop it anymore. I deserve better.”


Tomorrow night’s dinner party looks seriously deranged. See you then.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.

Stupidly obsessed with MAFS? Hey, no judgement here. Why not follow our brand new podcast We’ve Done The MAFS HERE and for a weekly dump of MAFS news to your inbox, sign up to our newsletter below!