22 participants. 37 episodes, four months and a whole lot of lip-licking later, we’ve finally made it to the end of what truly was a batshit season. Thanks to anyone who’s dropped in for my recaps of this nonsense. I appreciate you.
Resting John Face is welcoming everyone back to reflect on their time in the experiment. He hopes they use it as an opportunity to get closure and take accountability for their actions. As the wise man once said himself, I don’t like their chances.
We kick things off with a reel of all their wedding days, but it’s mostly slow-mo moments of them all seeing each other for the first time. Ballarat Paris cannot be swayed into feeling any emotion about her life-changing experience.
Now they’re mashing up all the couples’ first kisses. Yuck. I am so glad there is no footage of me doing this with anyone, namely because I do not know the last time I made out with someone sober.
Baby Seal and @badgalella are asked up to the the Couch of Ouch one final time. Alessandra wants context about what happened since final vows when he took a nice seal-like dump on @badgalella’s heart.
Baby Seal says he thought about @badgalella all the time. Ballarat Paris is busy thinking about the time he thought of her at 2am.
Baby Seal confirms @badgalella is his G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D. “I’m into this girl. Yeah. I rate her.” PFFFFFFFT. How romantic. “I like Mitchell a lot. I like-like Mitchell a lot. I rate Mitchell,” @badgalella adds.
“So that sounds like you’re falling in love with him?” Resting John Face probes. He’ll be damned if they don’t finally open up for their last hurrah. “I’m going there,” he confirms.
@badgalella is sounding a bit nasally but also doesn’t look very hung so I’m not going to go there. Baby Seal has a different views on relationships and dating now. “Hats off to you guys – tremendous job,” he tells the experts.
THANK U, NEXT.
Selina and Cody are next and I’m nervous. I feel like he’s going to hurt her (again). Cody is embracing the child he truly is with a new and not-improved hairless face.
I don’t know if Selina’s feeling sentimental watching the videos back or if something has happened. She’s crying and Cody looks guilty as all sin. The experts ask them how it feels watching their journey back.
“I just feel very confused and silly for feeling the way that I do,” says Selina. There it is. What have you done this time, swamp monster? “You saw I was a bit off my game last night,” Cody tells the experts.
“But Selina and I decided to call things last night,” Cody confirms. The whole room says “what?!?!??!” even though they damn well heard him. Why does Sam look so happy about this relationship ending?
“So yeah I guess we have –” Cody continues. “Can you not say we?” Selina jumps in. Mel asks who ended the relationship. “Cody did,” Selina confirms.
She says that he wanted her to move to Sydney in April, and she was willing to, but he became standoffish last night after dinner last night. She tried to hold his hand and he “flinched” and took it away.
That’s when he told her he wanted to end things. “It was a bit of a shock to me, hearing that after we’d just made plans to move in together,” Selina explains.
UH, YEAH. THAT IS SOME SERIOUS EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH.
“I really wanted this to work,” Cody laughs because that is the way he communicates. He says they had some “shockers” as a couple in the experiment and that they never broke that habit? Alessandra asks why he would ask Selina to move to Sydney then.
“So the way I was conveying it is that we would plan to,” Cody explains, saying it was sincere “in the moment”.
NOPE.
Then he said her hand placement felt “forced”. It was a realisation for him and he thinks it’s “for the best”. He shifts it to Selina – saying she needs someone who can show her how much they care. And he can’t. Oh no Selina has fallen in love with Cody. How????
She doesn’t understand how someone can ask another to uproot their life interstate if it’s not love. Cody says he feels “horrible” – with a big smile on his face – then he has the AUDACITY to say this: “I don’t even know if I’ve made the right decision.”
BRB, locating a bag of dicks. Leaving anyone hanging or hopeful is such doofus behaviour. Mel tells Cody that is not helpful for a confused partner who needs clarity. “Do you see a future with Selina?”
“I could.”
WTF SWAMPY.
Mel demands an actual answer.
“No,” he says.
Perhaps this was a decision he should’ve made a long time ago. The MAFS experts wish Selina well but not Cody.
THANK U, NEXT.
Brent and Ballarat Paris. They’re happy to confirm they have had no contact since the show. None! Zero. What feelings are left for Ballarat Paris? None! She says there are bigger and better things in life.
We are reminded of their batshit wedding and the time Brent called Ballarat Paris a psychopath. The crowd goes wild.
Why does Brent look like a neglected ventriloquist doll?
They show Ballarat Paris thinking Brent waits tables at the Galz Night. Love it. This is followed up by Brent good riddancing Ballarat Paris to really hammer home that what she got was well-deserved. Selin loves it.
Ballarat Paris says she doesn’t think she’s better than Brent, even though the video made it seem like that. “May I just say something?” Selin asks.
PLEASE DO MUMMA.
“What I’ve seen from this video and what I’ve heard is that you had an issue with the job title –”
“No I didn’t actually, Selin. No I didn’t,” Ballarat Paris cuts her off.
“I mean, you did,” Brent remarks.
“Yeah, because he wasn’t confident about it! It always changed!” Ballarat Paris tries to explain. She says Brent didn’t “light up” when he talked about work.
Selin reminds Ballarat Paris that every time Brent spoke about his job that he was met with a “facial” – not a treatment, like a facial expression. If it was the latter I’d be talking about my non-existent job 24/7. Alessandra asks about Baby Seal’s phone call.
“Mitch was really drunk, called me at 2am. Mitch was like, ‘Oh I know I shouldn’t be calling you and like blah blah blah,’ and I was like, ‘Why are you calling me?’
“He was like, ‘I shouldn’t be calling you right now but been thinking about you,’ whatever, and I was like, ‘Gotta go’ and hung up the phone.”
“BUUUULSHIT!” Baby Seal interjects.
“I’m sorry Tamara but that is BULLSHIT.”
Selin proceeds to love it.
“I was making phone calls all over the place. I was pissed!” Baby Seal says. @badgalella is questioning why Ballarat Paris didn’t bring it up last night, and that it feels like she’s just using it as ammo now.
“All the stuff you said, it looks like you want him and this is made up,” says Selin. Look, I’m here for a Ballarat Paris takedown any day of the week, but I also find it hard to believe Baby Seal didn’t play some kind of part. There’s more to this story. Ballarat Paris has had enough and is leaving the building.
“Soi ya” says Selin, which is quite literally what I would have done if I was in the room with these muppets. Sam has gone to follow Ballarat Paris in her evening robe. Then this is said:
She’s back. Joy.
THANK U, NEXT.
Now we’re just looking at Bebe Al highlights. Worms, shoeys and a lot of self-love we could only aspire towards – as well as a reminder to really think twice before dating anyone who’s 25. He’s cute tho. Lol, no Sam? Love this.
Diva (Carolina) and Mr Moneybags (Dion) are being asked up to the couch. “I’m sorry, it doesn’t even make sense. Why would I sit there?” Diva remarks. She is refusing to come sit near him without her 10-foot pole in tow.
Resting John Face lets Diva stay in her position with Daniel. We’re gunna watch the receipts of their relationship. “Oh my god, gross,” @badgalella says while watching the horniness unfold.
“Turn it off,” Princess Bogan adds. I mean, it does feel a bit rank watching two people hook up for five minutes straight. “I feel like I’m gonna have diarrhoea after watching that,” Princess Bogan says.
“Youse are all single. Shut up. Mind your own business,” Daniel tells the room.
- Youse is not a word.
- Not everyone is single.
Diva says sorry for hurting Mr Moneybags’ feelings. Daniel says the video made him feel “good emotions” because he was able to meet Diva as a result.
“You do not get it. The two of you simply do not understand the consequences of your behaviour,” Resting John Face tells them.
He continues by saying last night Diva and Daniel weren’t a unified couple. “It showed us that you were deeply insecure, trying to compensate, but failing miserably as a couple.”
THE SAVAGERY. I LIVE.
“Not only did you come in unapologetic and smug, you targeted Dion – belittling him and going after him and heckling him, and you need to apologise for it,” Resting John Face demands.
Diva apologises but she does not regret it because she’s happy. Resting John Face asks Daniel to have a crack. Daniel also has a half-assed attempt at saying sorry for hurting Mr Moneybags’ feelings.
“You dropped the ball,” Resting John Face tells the fame-hungry couple. Mr Moneybags gets the last word. He wants everyone to find love, even Daniel and Diva. Maturity = we love to see it.
Olivia and Jackson! Sorry, I don’t mean to sounds excited but also… I am because I want Olivia to be torn a new one. Jackson tells everyone there is a spare room in their new love shack and they’re all more than welcome. No amount of sage could make someone say yes to that.
We watch the videos back and for the most part it’s lovey-dovey. Yes! The retreat! SHOW IT. ALL OF IT. All it does it show how sad Olivia got when Jackson realised she was shitty.
SHOW MORE.
Olivia’s bursting at the seams with happiness. Jackson sees them growing old together. “Yeah, babies, we’ll get there,” Jackson confirms. They’re excused from the couch? NO NO NO. MORE MORE MORE. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT.
OK, Resting John Face is bringing up Olivia and Princess Bogan’s relationship. They’re going to look back at the key moments of their drama. “This is like my nightmare coming true,” Olivia says. Can’t imagine why.
I am HOWLING watching Olivia recount the event at the retreat, right after everyone finally saw what actually happened. No fashioning. No weapons.
“Evil. That’s evil,” Selin remarks. “Hey Ella, where was me waving the weapon around in front of her face?” Princess Bogan asks.
“May I?” asks Holly. YOU MAY, QUEEN. “From what I saw, you didn’t fashion a weapon. You seemed quite frustrated.”
“You weren’t there!” Olivia bites.
Doll, does she need to have been? She saw the tape. The proof is in the tape. Olivia is getting upset. Don’t even.
“To put it simply, I didn’t like the way Domenica spoke to people. It got to a point where it was so nasty, I couldn’t sit there and watch it.”
“So you just perpetuated the nastiness?” Princess Bogan asks.
“Well yeaaaaah,” Olivia responds.
“Which is very easy to do,” Princess Bogan replies. “And for me, the reason I can’t stand her is because she’s very smug. And I think she’s been very smug from week one. I don’t like that. I don’t like smug behaviour, especially in an environment where we are all on different levels.”
“But I just think where I see injustice or things that aren’t right, I speak up. And that’s how I’ve been my entire life and I’m not going to apologise for that and I’m not gonna change,” Princess Bogan finishes.
Olivia says that’s how she feels “just on the other end of the spectrum” and suggests that their similarities clash.
“No, I don’t think we’re similar at all. Please don’t compare me to you. I would never do what you did to me to any other woman or to any other human being.”
Does Olivia have any regrets? “Of course I do! Of course I do! I don’t like speaking to people how I’ve spoken to Domenica.”
Does Princess Bogan have any regrets?
“Obviously my action at the girls night at the retreat. I think that just set off a series of events that I really wish had never happened. But when it comes to saying my opinion and voicing my concern and speaking up, I have no regrets.”
“Whatever I brought to the table, it was never used as ammunition, it was never said in hurt or malice and I think that can’t be said for a lot of other people sitting her tonight.”
Well that’s that because Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are on the couch now. Mel wants an explanation for their relationship’s demise.
Princess Bogan feels like her efforts weren’t reciprocated by him. Nice Guy takes accountability. He says he reflected and the lack of certainty from her at the end of the experiment has been holding him back.
“It’s shit because we kind of like flipped in reverse”, Princess Bogan explains, saying their keenness levels happened at different times.
Mel said they seem like a couple and wants to know if there’s hope to be held, to which Princess Bogan says: “Justin Bieber said it. Never Say never. I will fight til forever!”
Not as good when you hear it a second time, but they’re agreeable to see what happens. Alessandra says they both being a bit scaredy pants, but she has lots of hope for them.
“Made it to the end. Couldn’t have been matched with a more amazing girl and I don’t have a crystal ball, I don’t know what the future holds, but she’s in my life, one way or another – and that’s the truth.”
ALL THE BEST FUCKERS. Everyone’s hugging. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. I feel like if I say it enough times it’ll be real.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps / what she should do with her life next on IG here.
