Another night, another MAFS recap. Can’t wait to see who fucks up royally tonight.
Brent and Ballarat Paris are seizing the day’s sunrise after not getting tanked in Brent’s studio apartment last night. They have spotted a sea lion, which Ballarat Paris thinks is a mythical creature. She believes in seals, though, which are apparently a different animal.
Speaking of seals, @badgalella and Baby Seal are having a psychic reading for some unknown reason. @badgalella is hoping he’ll be “shook”.
The medium has asked Baby Seal if he has a “whale connection” and it has SENT ME.
Baby Seal does not see a connection between himself and various marine life. He thinks the medium chose very broad descriptions and connections and I’d love to see him and @badgalella discuss horoscope compatibility for the entertainment value alone.
Sam and Bebe Al are going to Balmoral Beach for a snorkel and a picnic because Al knows full-well that the beach gets Sam wet. Last time they went to the beach they “consumicated”.
Selina and Cody are off to Cody’s mum and stepdad’s house. It’s awkward because Cody is not good at holding any type of conversation. Selina asks them to bring out the photo albums which I fully support.
Selina is wondering if she wants to remain with a cold, detached, brick wall of a human.
Princess Bogan is off to Nice Guy‘s house and YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS:
Nice Guy has a snake called Lucy. It is cold. Princess Bogan is such a team player.
@badgalella and Baby Seal are off to the hot springs where Baby Seal will feel moist and comfortable in a habitat that is close to his own. She is feeling challenged because of the “crazy-hot, sexy women” he has been with.
Meanwhile, Princess Bogan is living the dream at Nice Guy’s pad in Miller’s Point.
@badgalella is treating Baby Seal to a spot of laser hair removal which feels insanely unnecessary given his hair-growth rate.
Ok, so I was wrong. Baby Seal does have hair and it’s in the crevasse of his anoos.
Just when we thought Cody couldn’t be any more fucked, he has morphed into a bush. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not even slightly endearing.
He tells Selina that they’re going bird watching. He has a matching outfit for Selina. She acts enthused. She is such a good sport I can’t.
She’s wondering if the swamp suit is a secret kink of his which might make this remotely tolerable. She reckons it smells and I do not doubt it.
Cody says this joke of making his wife become a shrub is just a bit of fun and “good banter”. HE IS TOTALLY THE TYPE OF GUY WHO SAYS “GOOD BANTER” AND HAS THE WORST BANTER.
Selina realises Cody is stitching her up. She jumps out of the car after realising he is a dumb child. She’s humiliated, upset and angry. She now realises that the watermelon vagina and Batman sheets are indicative of how shit he is as a human.
She gets back in the car and says she’ll go but wants to process everything and chat later. She looks like she’s on the brink of tears because she is wearing something that smells like an eggy fart.
He puts on his costume to make her feel better. He asks her what is wrong. She says he hasn’t made her feel special on this trip. She thinks she is just a “rando chick”. It’s very hard to take these two seriously.
He confirms he is emotionally stunted and realises for the 275th time that he needs to give her more than whatever it is he thinks he’s been giving her to date.
Olivia is on her way to meet Jackson‘s friends at the pub and I can’t wait for it to go tits up. I’ve sat back and watched these two get along for far too long.
Olivia wastes no time in telling Jackson’s friends that she hates the gym. She thinks that the gym will impede on their time together and that she “didn’t sign up for a husband two days a week”. She doesn’t want to wonder if he’ll be home for dinner.
She thinks going to the gym is a thing that people grow out of once they reach adult status. His friend makes a funny and asks Jackson if the gym is helpful to him.
This is such a dumb thing to identify as a relationship issue. I would gladly have two nights to myself a week if it meant I got to ride someone with muscles. This is not a problem.
Cody and Selina are off to meet Cody’s Uncle John. I like Uncle John. Uncle John is very uncle areas.
Selina asks for advice on her spousal lemon. Uncle John says his biggest regret is not hugging his daughters. It seems like Cody is rethinking his hugging incapacities now.
Uncle John says the way Cody looks at Selina is a good sign because he’s smiling heaps. Uncle John tells the cameras that Cody is a “30-year-old with an 18-year-old mind” and I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Uncle John also thinks that Cody’s struck gold and he should grab Selina with both hands and say “Eureka”. I would pay to see this.
Tomorrow night we learn more about the nude photo scandal which should be WILD.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here.