It’s the second last MAFS commitment ceremony! A life without these numpties is so close I can taste it.
Selina and Cody are still discussing Matt getting drunk and if people held onto my escapades longer than 24 hours I would have no friends left.
Kate‘s been trying to force feelings for Matt, as well as general feelings or emotions about anything other than baby corn, so naturally she’s stoked to have an actual excuse to leave him.
We’re at the MAFS commitment ceremony now and everyone has arrived except for Diva (AKA Carolina). “Wow,” says Baby Seal, who is positively glowing tonight.
Mr Moneybags (Dion) is first on the Couch of Ouch. Despite being treated like very expensive garbage, he is a stand-up human who hopes that Diva goes on to find love. Does he though? DOES HE.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling kindly reminds Mr Moneybags that she has given him a platform for other women to discover him and his bank account.
I’d put my hand up for a test-run but I draw the line at fedoras.
Baby Seal is feeling fine and dandy after embracing the experiment that he quite literally signed up for. He is proud of @badgalella for supporting Princess Bogan during the couple’s retreat but Olivia’s face is about to fall off from overactivity in the background.
They confirm they like-like each other because this is a measurement of feelings now. It’s decision time and @badgalella opens Baby Seal’s card by accident.
I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t happened before, especially given the assortment of limited brain cells we’ve seen on this show.
So yes, they both stay because it is the objectively hot thing to do.
Ballarat Paris and Brent are up and apparently they haven’t spoken since the retreat. I fell asleep a little bit but it has something to do with Brent shutting down over the way Ballarat Paris speaks to him.
Ballarat Paris reckons Brent likes her more than she likes him, and that he doesn’t bring out the best in her.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
WATCH YOUR AUDITION TAPE BACK, CUPCAKE.
WATCH YOUR WEDDING TAPE BACK, DOLL.
Don’t be confused: If there’s one thing Brent’s done for you, it’s bring out a lovely and tolerable side of you.
Nice Guy is clearly under the influence of Dom Pérignon because he jumps in to ask Ballarat Paris if she had the common decency to tell Brent this revelation before tonight’s commitment ceremony. Brent confirms he hadn’t a fucking clue.
Ballarat Paris reckons she’s only just figured it all out. She’s been spending too much time with Cody because she writes a ~shy~ leave.
Brent is feeling like a dumb-dumb because he missed Ballarat Paris last night and thought maybe she felt the same. He wrote stay but feels like ass for keeping her in an experiment against her will.
Selina is enjoying Cody now that he has learned to read. He confirms he is in between the “like-like” and “the feels” level when it comes to Selina. I will never forgive Mel for instilling this ranking system in my head.
Sam thinks she was clear about what she needed from Bebe Al at the last commitment ceremony. I believe that was actually Resting John Face with the stern direction of “growing up” and “no shoeys” but go off sis.
Ballarat Paris has jumped in and I love how commitment ceremonies are bloody focus groups at this point. She basically asks Bebe Al if he was too busy flapping around in the pond to get advice from Da Boiz on his relationship with Sam.
Da Boiz rally around to bat for Bebe Al, confirming he did, in fact, use the opportunity wisely before trying to burn Adidas trackies at the stake.
Sam says Bebe Al is an “entitled, privileged boy” who she doesn’t respect.
She decides to leave. Bebe Al decides to stay and Sam is livid. He wants to give it another week to work on his personal growth, as well as his relationship with Sam as FRIENDS.
Sorry Bebe Al. You’re a cute endangered species and all but it’s a no from me.
Resting John Face is giving them 24 hours to unpack before making their decision.
Princess Bogan and Nice Guy are up and they discuss their own argument at the couples retreat followed by the glass breaking incident. Dom explains the trigger point that Olivia set off.
Olivia says sorry for saying Princess Bogan shouldn’t use her voice. What she actually meant was the way Princess Bogan says things. That it can be “aggressive”.
Oh Liv bby girl, why didn’t you say so?! That makes everything so much better! Now please resume quietly blowing your face up like a pufferfish because I’ve run out of ways to despise you.
Olivia proceeds to act as if all is well even though they wont be braiding each other’s vaginas any time soon. Princess Bogan calls BS and says Olivia is only accepting her 256th apology because there are MAFS experts around.
Olivia says that Princess Bogan “worded” herself “beautifully” and thats what’s changed to make her apology more acceptable now.
What a fucking condescending thing to say. I’m up to my dilated eyeballs with Olivia’s shit.
Olivia says she’s not going to keep kissing ass. Princess Bogan says she’s not asking her to kiss ass.
Olivia reckons she keeps trying to be “nice” and keeps getting “shit on”.
@badgalella confirms Olivia is the opposite of nice.
Olivia says she’s sorry but she’s not.
Objective of the story is: Olivia’s a living turd and Nice Guy and Princess Bogan win because their relationship is stronger as a result. Success!
Kate wants to leave and Matt lets her go by also writing leave. Mel tells them they’ve been “wholehearted” in this process which is a comment only appropriate for Matt, me thinks.
Jackson, who has found a tee for underneath his buttonless shirt, says the retreat was the first time he’s seen his wife act like a petty monster. Alessandra looks confused because she’s definitely seen the Princess Bogan voodoo doll in Olivia’s stationary cupboard before now.
Olivia says she tried to “warn” Jackson that she’s a bit shit but is trying to be better and nicer for him.
DIVA AND DANNY BOI HAVE JUST WALKED IN HOLDING HANDS.
The MAFS experts ask Olivia and Jackson to move off the Couch Of Ouch because more important drama has walked in. Amazing. Apparently the couch is moist now.
There is a lot of hoo-ha going on while everyone gets their shit together, like sorting out the mics for Diva and Danny Boi.
Danny Boi explains his role in the situation. The MAFS Class of 2022 is not having it and start firing at the couple. John tells them to pipe down and that they’ll get their “turn”.
I hear Princess Bogan somewhere saying, “She fell onto his dick, that’s how it happened”. Her report card will definitely says she’s easily distracted and that she could really excel if she just applied herself.
Diva confirms she wrote leave at the last commitment ceremony because she felt more than a friendship with Danny Boi.
Mr Moneybags thinks Daniel should shut up because he was on this show for a whole two minutes.
Mr Moneybags is also just glad that he got out of this relationship when he did because #OnceACheater etc.
Brent is confused why they rocked up to the commiment ceremony. He asks, “Why here? If you guys are together already, why come here? You clearly don’t need help – well, debatable..“
“Is it just for some more followers?” asks Mr Moneybags.
WE ALSO LOVE.
Diva and Danny Boi ask the experts if they can continue in the experiment – which has like, two weeks left, mind you – together as a couple.
Mr Moneybags has had it.
Everyone else follows.
I’m not really sure what they think this is going to achieve.
Can someone get John a crystal?
And just like that the class has returned to their seats. Resting John Face asks in what world do they think they deserve a spot in this experiment that they shat all over.
They say they need help which is very Captain Obvious areas. Resting John Face tells them to eat dicks elsewhere. Or something like that.
“There is absolutely no way we’re going to allow you to re enter the experiment as a new couple,” Resting John Face swipes. The class treats the news like an early mark and there are claps all ’round.
Resting John Face then tells Diva she knows how humiliation feels first hand, and that Daniel is merely the Mature-Aged Brothel in her latest cheating love story.
Alessandra tells them she won’t be giving the advice because she’s a dang queen. I’m truly surprised Daniel didn’t cry – he looked on the verge the entire bloody time.
Resting John Face admits the whole night was a rollercoaster and that’s testament to what a good guy Mr Moneybags is. Olivia has the AUDACITY to nod.
Olivia then tells Mr Moneybags she has friends for him. A friend of hers is not a future wife for Mr Moneybags. I will not allow it.
Tomorrow is home stays. Olivia appears to be as repulsed by the gym as we are by anything she does with her face.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.