MAFS COMMITMENT CEREMONY TIME.
Shit’s going to go down.
We kick things off with Nice Guy doing very nice guy things, including but not limited to face mask dress-ups with Princess Bogan. I hope it’s Garnier.
He tells Princess Bogan that her kisses are moist because of the overflowing serum. Princess Bogan discusses with Nice Guy how Diva is up her own ass.
It’s very hard to take her seriously but Nice Guy is rising to the occasion as always.
Mr Moneybags/Celine Dion is still alllll byyyyy himselfffff. He is also still confused about what his breakfast-having, gym-going, rap-listening woman wants.
Meanwhile, Diva is running her hands through her hair 117 times while thinking about Daniel’s glutes instead of Mr Moneybags’ phenomenal resilience.
Baby Seal is getting all Baby Seal-like because he doesn’t “rate” commitment ceremonies. He says there are “loud mouths” who try “put their input into relationships” and that it’s not very “positive”.
He says the experiment is “toxic” and “bullshit” and that there’s a lot of “drama” and “unnecessary, immature, childish crap”.
@badgalella is getting “really scared” because she does not want Baby Seal to “just walk away”, which is what he consistently threatens to do to her.
Matt is still trying to get something (anything) out of his cardboard wife Kate. It’s not going well. He feels like “a bit of a lost lamb in the paddock, looking for answers.”
Kate admits to the camera that Matt’s a nice person and as a flatmate she would give him a 7/10. The man is starting to feel defeated and I am not surprised after trying to talk to someone who only responds with “fine” and “mhmm”.
Da Galz are catching up and Olivia wastes no time asking Sam and @badgalella how they’re going, likely so she can feel better about her own relationship.
Sam is questioning her decision to stay with Bebe Al and she’s getting teary which makes me think she’s going to break our endangered species’ heart.
Princess Bogan has hung chillies on her door in preparation for a visit from Diva. I did not know this was prevention of bad energy via spices was a thing. I would have thought garlic for vampires was more appropriate here.
Anyway, Diva and Ballarat Paris have matching hairdos which is unfortunate.
Da Boiz are also catching up and Nice Guy is saying Princess Bogan is someone he can live happily ever after with in a magical Vegemite castle, far, far away.
Diva is still banging on about extremely unnecessary similarities she believes adult partners need to have, such as having a Fitness First membership and the complete So Fresh CD collection.
Ballarat Paris suggests that there could be a similarity because they both need to eat to survive and therefore must both like food. Diva shuts it down by saying they like “different types of food”.
Princess Bogan has kept it together very well while listening to this utter nonsense. But no longer! “I call shit that you can’t find a similarity,” she tells Diva. “The fact that you’re human and you’re breathing, means that you share similarities.”
@badgalella tells Sam and Olivia that she her week with Baby Seal was the hardest yet, and not in a good way. Olivia is telling the cameras that Baby Seal is silly for coming on a show if he didn’t want to deal with this TV stuff, and that it sucks that Ella has to defend him. Word.
“If that’s what makes her happy, then that’s what makes her happy,” she says and why do I feel like she’s being judgey?
All right we’re in the Room of Doom.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling points out the obvious that Jess and Daniel have left the experiment. Everyone’s whispering about what a nice guy Daniel is while Diva smiles in the corner about the fact that he eats breakfast.
First up is Princess Bogan and Nice Guy. They appear to be falling for each other and Nice Guy confirms Princess Bogan is “just enough” for him. They both write “stay” and draw pictures of dogs to honour the week that was.
Mel says “woof, woof” and thanks for the nightmare I’ll be having tonight, sis.
Side note: this is how you use a Mermade hair waver properly. ^
Kate and Matt are up to the Couch of Ouch. Matt tells Kate to look at positives which doesn’t seem like something she would even entertain with a side-eye. Kate tells him that first thing’s first she’s a realist, and Resting John Face interjects to remind Kate of the free perfume she received.
Resting John Face asks her how she’s tried to build her relationship with Matt and she says “um” 17 times before saying that she exists in the same room with him.
Resting John Face asks Kate how she interacts with Matt. She thinks she is polite and not rude to him which is the biggest, fattest lie I ever did hear.
Resting John Face politely and not rudely takes Kate to town. He says Kate looks down on Matt and is not friendly.
He asks her if anyone’s ever told her that before. He figures if she has not had a boyfriend or been in love before, then there are other things she may not have experienced too. Like positivity.
She starts crying and says “no” because “she’s actually a really nice person” and “doesn’t like being somebody she’s not”. She apologises to Matt for being a walking, talking middle finger.
Alessandra encourages her to do more than breathe in a room that Matt’s in. Kate chooses to leave. Matt decides to stay because he thinks “Kate’s worth fighting for.”
Baby Seal and @badgalella are up to the Couch of Ouch. The couple gives the MAFS experts the rundown on the week that was. Baby Seal says he’s a private guy when he’s not doing nude handstands in the shower.
“You’ve come into a really public experiment, for someone who likes their privacy,” says Mel. The MAFS experts push to get more out of them.
OMG Baby Seal and @badgalella are saying they can’t share what else is going on because “cameras and stuff”. Baby Seal then says he doesn’t doesn’t feel like this is reality because camera men follow him when he tried to leave @badgalella.
Mel reminds him with her words that he signed up for this, and reminds him with her eyes that this contract is legally binding.
Resting John Face says using the experiment as an excuse for problems is a copout, before telling the whole group that if they want a relationship that’ll work out, they need to SUCK IT UP.
They all laugh it off because approximately 6/70 couples on this show have actually been successful. But Resting John Face assures them he is serious. He says the experiment is easy compared to real life because at least they’ve already had sex in here, among other things.
@badgalella tells Resting John Face she is a believer in “love from MAFS” and is “here for it”. I think she’s really happy someone is telling Baby Seal this stay-in-the-experiment info so she doesn’t have to.
@badgalella is staying. Baby Seal has @badgalella licking her lips in anticipation as Resting John Face asks what his decision is.
He decides that he needs to get comfortable being uncomfortable and that he just had a momentary freak out. He decides to stay. Alessandra is rooting for them. She is appreciative that they are taking baby (seal) steps.
Baby Seal is now happy to be in the experiment so that he can’t block and ghost @badgalella like he would do to other girlfriends on the outside. But he politely reminds @badgalella that he could “piss of at any time”.
Cody has taken a break from the 80s prom he’s attending tonight for a moment on the Couch of Ouch with Selina.
Selina confirms that she likes Cody more than a cat which means that she like-likes him. Cody also like-likes Selina.
Cody has written a “comfortable stay” this time, as opposed to his “shy stay” from last week.
Selina wrote a normal stay like a normal person with sufficient emotions and obedient hair.
Sam and Bebe Al are up and it already looks like Sam’s about to cry. Bebe Al tells them about the gaming-all-day-erry-day debacle and Resting John Face agrees it was a god-awful decision.
Sam thinks she’s lost herself and that her convos with Bebe Al aren’t deep enough. She feels herself “squishing her ambition”.
Bebe Al is sad to hear this and wants to work on himself to make her feel better via depth. He wrote stay in bubble writing because he is a “bubbly person”.
Sam says she’s been clear with Bebe Al about what she needs and wrote leave.
Bebe Al is surprised and “didn’t see that coming”. Sam is shook / pissed off. Resting John Face tells Bebe Al that shoeys and half-assed strip teases aren’t gunna cut it, and that he needs to have a good hard look at himself, which I’m sure he will very much enjoy doing.
Resting John Face finished off by telling Bebe Al it’s “time to grow up”. Bebe Al is confident in his growth abilities.
Next up is Olivia and Jackson. Olivia reminds the MAFS experts that their mum’s names rhyme. They both choose to stay. I won’t even warrant this non-event with a screenshot.
Brent and Ballarat Paris are up. They’ve had a good week. They are managing his “down/moody” days well. They both choose to stay. Resting John Face says their “tenderness” is “inspiring”.
Diva and Mr Moneybags are up to the Couch of Ouch. Mr Moneybags is defeated as fuck and feels hurt after Diva’s all-round turdy behaviour.
He says they danced together and she said she was not involved in said dancing. He says that he danced and she was having fun and a laugh. She says, “I was definitely laughing at you dancing.”
Alessandra tells Diva “that’s awful”. Mel asks Diva if she’s comfortable with her treatment of Mr Moneybags. Diva says yes. Mel says that saying she laughed at him while dancing in “a most nasty fashion” is not on.
Resting John Face has taken some notes and demands that Diva listens quietly while sitting in the same dangly Chanels she wore at the dinner party.
John lists out the reasons that she can’t bond with Mr Moneybags and I AM HOWLING.
- No struggle
- No breakfast
- No documentaries
Diva then tells him to add no gym and no coffee to the list. Resting John Face reminds her that she is being superficial.
Diva knows that what she’s said is hurtful but says “it’s the truth”.
She says she’s Latina again and that she has a temper.
Say something, Alessandra.
SAY SOMETHING.
“I was, I think, even a little personally insulted with you trying to justify such nastiness on being Latina – as if Latina women are disrespectful,” Alessandra says to Diva.
“As a Latina woman, I can tell you we are of course very feisty and very passionate – never ever disrespectful and nasty and demeaning. I’m not going to accept that as a representation of Latina women. I’ll say that right now.”
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Diva says that English is her second language.
“Yes it’s my second language too. I’m sorry but no. Don’t even go there.”
She reminds her that nowhere in the world – not here and not in Brazil – would this be the way to find love.
Diva wrote leave. Mr Moneybags said what he wrote doesn’t match what he’s feeling now. He wants to change his answer to “leave” even though he wrote stay.
Resting John Face says he hasn’t been presented with this before and… really? NEVER? Surely.
Resting John Face says he’s seen couples turnaround in this experiment, probably because the producers paid him extra to keep Mr Moneybags there for the cheating scandal. So basically he doesn’t let him leave. Which is simply torture for this poor man.
Princess Bogan tells Diva that she was bullied in high school and that Diva is a big rude person.
Diva says she is “not going to engage”.
Diva storms out in a H.R Huff n’ Puff and tells Princess Bogan: “Whatever.” She flicks her hair on the way out because it is the only thing she touches aside from her morning granola and Instagram account.
Olivia appears to be holding something back, and the last time we witnessed such repression from her it did not end well.
Princess Bogan tells the room Diva’s been acting like a bully and clearly she can’t deal with being called out on it. “A person like that is just an asshole. There’s no helping that.”
Olivia has unleashed. “You’ve just got to hate somebody,” she tells Princess Bogan.
Olivia then tells her she went for Jess last week too and that she needs to pick on somebody.
Princess Bogan says she can’t sit back and watch someone be horrendous.
Jackson has now supported Liv in the idea that the experts just reamed Diva and did that job already.
Princess Bogan says she’s going to say shit to people’s faces and that she ain’t gunna apologise.
Olivia tells her to not say sorry because she’s not sorry.
Olivia tells the camera that Dom is not Queen Bee (she is).
Olivia then tells Princess Bogan to “choose her words carefully” before “spitting them at people”.
Mr Moneybags has now decided to leave the Room of Doom.
“I don’t even know why you’d go and see if she’s alright,” Princess Bogan tells… I don’t know who she’s telling but she’s saying it audibly.
“Because it’s his wife,” says Olivia.
“Because he’s a nice guy,” says Jackson.
“And they’re here for another week together so you may as well go try,” Olivia finishes.
Diva is now telling Mr Moneybags that he put all the blame on her on the couch and is pissed off that he would check on her.
OK back to Princess Bogan. She is telling people that a person who is a bully needs to be called a bully.
“Bullying is a repeated behaviour, Dom, and we’ve seen you repeat this behaviour over and over again,” Liv swipes back.
“So I’m the bully because I spoke up?” asks Princess Bogan. “OK.”
Princess Bogan tells the cameras she will not stand for being called a bully. She says it’s the worst thing someone could say to her. “I’m not here to make friends and I’m not here to make friends with dickheads,” Princess Bogan confirms. Oh it’s on.
TOMORROW NIGHT DOM SMASHES A GLASS. HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT.
See you there.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.
