MAFS COMMITMENT CEREMONY TIME.

Shit’s going to go down.

We kick things off with Nice Guy doing very nice guy things, including but not limited to face mask dress-ups with Princess Bogan. I hope it’s Garnier.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i love this serial killer look for us

He tells Princess Bogan that her kisses are moist because of the overflowing serum. Princess Bogan discusses with Nice Guy how Diva is up her own ass.


It’s very hard to take her seriously but Nice Guy is rising to the occasion as always.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
wot do u think it’s like in her ass that she is far up

Mr Moneybags/Celine Dion is still alllll byyyyy himselfffff. He is also still confused about what his breakfast-having, gym-going, rap-listening woman wants.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
when i was young, i never needed anyone

Meanwhile, Diva is running her hands through her hair 117 times while thinking about Daniel’s glutes instead of Mr Moneybags’ phenomenal resilience.

Baby Seal is getting all Baby Seal-like because he doesn’t “rate” commitment ceremonies. He says there are “loud mouths” who try “put their input into relationships” and that it’s not very “positive”.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
can u put ur input into my cobalt blue sock choice beb

He says the experiment is “toxic” and “bullshit” and that there’s a lot of “drama” and “unnecessary, immature, childish crap”.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
my naked handstands were necessary, mature, adult crap tho

@badgalella is getting “really scared” because she does not want Baby Seal to “just walk away”, which is what he consistently threatens to do to her.

Matt is still trying to get something (anything) out of his cardboard wife Kate. It’s not going well. He feels like “a bit of a lost lamb in the paddock, looking for answers.”

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
this is the song that doesn’t eeennd

Kate admits to the camera that Matt’s a nice person and as a flatmate she would give him a 7/10. The man is starting to feel defeated and I am not surprised after trying to talk to someone who only responds with “fine” and “mhmm”.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
mmhmm

Da Galz are catching up and Olivia wastes no time asking Sam and @badgalella how they’re going, likely so she can feel better about her own relationship.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
i’m here to both listen and judge

Sam is questioning her decision to stay with Bebe Al and she’s getting teary which makes me think she’s going to break our endangered species’ heart.

Princess Bogan has hung chillies on her door in preparation for a visit from Diva. I did not know this was prevention of bad energy via spices was a thing. I would have thought garlic for vampires was more appropriate here.

Anyway, Diva and Ballarat Paris have matching hairdos which is unfortunate.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
bitch stole my look

Da Boiz are also catching up and Nice Guy is saying Princess Bogan is someone he can live happily ever after with in a magical Vegemite castle, far, far away.

Diva is still banging on about extremely unnecessary similarities she believes adult partners need to have, such as having a Fitness First membership and the complete So Fresh CD collection.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
like galz he thinks 50 cent is a coin

Ballarat Paris suggests that there could be a similarity because they both need to eat to survive and therefore must both like food. Diva shuts it down by saying they like “different types of food”.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
jesus throw the good cunt a bone

Princess Bogan has kept it together very well while listening to this utter nonsense. But no longer! “I call shit that you can’t find a similarity,” she tells Diva. “The fact that you’re human and you’re breathing, means that you share similarities.”

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
u both have eyes and ears and legs
mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
but my ears listen to rap and my legs walk to gym 

@badgalella tells Sam and Olivia that she her week with Baby Seal was the hardest yet, and not in a good way. Olivia is telling the cameras that Baby Seal is silly for coming on a show if he didn’t want to deal with this TV stuff, and that it sucks that Ella has to defend him. Word.

“If that’s what makes her happy, then that’s what makes her happy,” she says and why do I feel like she’s being judgey?

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
if that’s what makes her happy then cool but it wouldn’t make me happy 

All right we’re in the Room of Doom.

MAFS expert Mel Schilling points out the obvious that Jess and Daniel have left the experiment. Everyone’s whispering about what a nice guy Daniel is while Diva smiles in the corner about the fact that he eats breakfast.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
hehe danny boy gon get it

First up is Princess Bogan and Nice Guy. They appear to be falling for each other and Nice Guy confirms Princess Bogan is “just enough” for him. They both write “stay” and draw pictures of dogs to honour the week that was.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
we like each other’s doggy

Mel says “woof, woof” and thanks for the nightmare I’ll be having tonight, sis.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
i woof you both

Side note: this is how you use a Mermade hair waver properly. ^

Kate and Matt are up to the Couch of Ouch. Matt tells Kate to look at positives which doesn’t seem like something she would even entertain with a side-eye. Kate tells him that first thing’s first she’s a realist, and Resting John Face interjects to remind Kate of the free perfume she received.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
britney’s ‘curious’ might be on sale but it ain’t cheap

Resting John Face asks her how she’s tried to build her relationship with Matt and she says “um” 17 times before saying that she exists in the same room with him.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
is being here not enough

Resting John Face asks Kate how she interacts with Matt. She thinks she is polite and not rude to him which is the biggest, fattest lie I ever did hear.

Resting John Face politely and not rudely takes Kate to town. He says Kate looks down on Matt and is not friendly.

He asks her if anyone’s ever told her that before. He figures if she has not had a boyfriend or been in love before, then there are other things she may not have experienced too. Like positivity.

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now kate, there’s this thing called common decency

She starts crying and says “no” because “she’s actually a really nice person” and “doesn’t like being somebody she’s not”. She apologises to Matt for being a walking, talking middle finger.

Alessandra encourages her to do more than breathe in a room that Matt’s in. Kate chooses to leave. Matt decides to stay because he thinks “Kate’s worth fighting for.”

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
if i don’t get marc jacobs daisy i’ll flip me shit

Baby Seal and @badgalella are up to the Couch of Ouch. The couple gives the MAFS experts the rundown on the week that was. Baby Seal says he’s a private guy when he’s not doing nude handstands in the shower.

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that was one time!!

“You’ve come into a really public experiment, for someone who likes their privacy,” says Mel. The MAFS experts push to get more out of them.

OMG Baby Seal and @badgalella are saying they can’t share what else is going on because “cameras and stuff”. Baby Seal  then says he doesn’t doesn’t feel like this is reality because camera men follow him when he tried to leave @badgalella.

Mel reminds him with her words that he signed up for this, and reminds him with her eyes that this contract is legally binding.

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ur eyes are telling me i don’t hav a choice in the matter

Resting John Face says using the experiment as an excuse for problems is a copout, before telling the whole group that if they want a relationship that’ll work out, they need to SUCK IT UP.

They all laugh it off because approximately 6/70 couples on this show have actually been successful. But Resting John Face assures them he is serious. He says the experiment is easy compared to real life because at least they’ve already had sex in here, among other things.

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first time? Done!

@badgalella tells Resting John Face she is a believer in “love from MAFS” and is “here for it”. I think she’s really happy someone is telling Baby Seal this stay-in-the-experiment info so she doesn’t have to.

@badgalella is staying. Baby Seal has @badgalella licking her lips in anticipation as Resting John Face asks what his decision is.

He decides that he needs to get comfortable being uncomfortable and that he just had a momentary freak out. He decides to stay. Alessandra is rooting for them. She is appreciative that they are taking baby (seal) steps.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
i’m rooting 4 u!!! but we’re not all rooting 4 u!!!

Baby Seal is now happy to be in the experiment so that he can’t block and ghost @badgalella like he would do to other girlfriends on the outside. But he politely reminds @badgalella that he could “piss of at any time”.

Cody has taken a break from the 80s prom he’s attending tonight for a moment on the Couch of Ouch with Selina.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
interesting

Selina confirms that she likes Cody more than a cat which means that she like-likes him. Cody also like-likes Selina.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i like-like this progress

Cody has written a “comfortable stay” this time, as opposed to his “shy stay” from last week.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
NOT SHY BUT COMFORTABLE

Selina wrote a normal stay like a normal person with sufficient emotions and obedient hair.

Sam and Bebe Al are up and it already looks like Sam’s about to cry. Bebe Al tells them about the gaming-all-day-erry-day debacle and Resting John Face agrees it was a god-awful decision.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
dude PS5s are fkn hard to get

Sam thinks she’s lost herself and that her convos with Bebe Al aren’t deep enough. She feels herself “squishing her ambition”.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i shall call him squishy and he will not be mine

Bebe Al is sad to hear this and wants to work on himself to make her feel better via depth. He wrote stay in bubble writing because he is a “bubbly person”.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
MY BUBBLES

Sam says she’s been clear with Bebe Al about what she needs and wrote leave.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
NOT HAPPY JAN SAM

Bebe Al is surprised and “didn’t see that coming”. Sam is shook / pissed off. Resting John Face tells Bebe Al that shoeys and half-assed strip teases aren’t gunna cut it, and that he needs to have a good hard look at himself, which I’m sure he will very much enjoy doing.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i like this homework

Resting John Face finished off by telling Bebe Al it’s “time to grow up”. Bebe Al is confident in his growth abilities.

Next up is Olivia and Jackson. Olivia reminds the MAFS experts that their mum’s names rhyme. They both choose to stay. I won’t even warrant this non-event with a screenshot.

Brent and Ballarat Paris are up. They’ve had a good week. They are managing his “down/moody” days well. They both choose to stay. Resting John Face says their “tenderness” is “inspiring”.

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love me tender, love me feet

Diva and Mr Moneybags are up to the Couch of Ouch. Mr Moneybags is defeated as fuck and feels hurt after Diva’s all-round turdy behaviour.

He says they danced together and she said she was not involved in said dancing. He says that he danced and she was having fun and a laugh. She says, “I was definitely laughing at you dancing.”

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i am not nice

Alessandra tells Diva “that’s awful”. Mel asks Diva if she’s comfortable with her treatment of Mr Moneybags. Diva says yes. Mel says that saying she laughed at him while dancing in “a most nasty fashion” is not on.

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you say things in a most cunty fashion, doll

Resting John Face has taken some notes and demands that Diva listens quietly while sitting in the same dangly Chanels she wore at the dinner party.

John lists out the reasons that she can’t bond with Mr Moneybags and I AM HOWLING.

  • No struggle
  • No breakfast
  • No documentaries
MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
as per my last email

Diva then tells him to add no gym and no coffee to the list. Resting John Face reminds her that she is being superficial.

Diva knows that what she’s said is hurtful but says “it’s the truth”.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
i learned this strategy from this guy i kno who had 350 roots

She says she’s Latina again and that she has a temper.

Say something, Alessandra.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
o no u didn’t

SAY SOMETHING.

“I was, I think, even a little personally insulted with you trying to justify such nastiness on being Latina – as if Latina women are disrespectful,” Alessandra says to Diva.

“As a Latina woman, I can tell you we are of course very feisty and very passionate – never ever disrespectful and nasty and demeaning. I’m not going to accept that as a representation of Latina women. I’ll say that right now.”

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Diva says that English is her second language.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i have more excuses pls

“Yes it’s my second language too. I’m sorry but no. Don’t even go there.”

She reminds her that nowhere in the world – not here and not in Brazil – would this be the way to find love.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
or in the gym, for that matter

Diva wrote leave. Mr Moneybags said what he wrote doesn’t match what he’s feeling now. He wants to change his answer to “leave” even though he wrote stay.

Resting John Face says he hasn’t been presented with this before and… really? NEVER? Surely.

Resting John Face says he’s seen couples turnaround in this experiment, probably because the producers paid him extra to keep Mr Moneybags there for the cheating scandal. So basically he doesn’t let him leave. Which is simply torture for this poor man.

Princess Bogan tells Diva that she was bullied in high school and that Diva is a big rude person.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
u r an imbecile

Diva says she is “not going to engage”.

Diva storms out in a H.R Huff n’ Puff and tells Princess Bogan: “Whatever.” She flicks her hair on the way out because it is the only thing she touches aside from her morning granola and Instagram account.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i am sick of being told the truth even tho i use truth as a justification for my behaviour

Olivia appears to be holding something back, and the last time we witnessed such repression from her it did not end well.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
dress your husband first, k?

Princess Bogan tells the room Diva’s been acting like a bully and clearly she can’t deal with being called out on it. “A person like that is just an asshole. There’s no helping that.”

Olivia has unleashed. “You’ve just got to hate somebody,” she tells Princess Bogan.

mafs australia mafs recap mafs 2022
i h8 jackson’s lack of buttons and haven’t said shit hun

Olivia then tells her she went for Jess last week too and that she needs to pick on somebody.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
that petulant child had it coming

Princess Bogan says she can’t sit back and watch someone be horrendous.

Jackson has now supported Liv in the idea that the experts just reamed Diva and did that job already.

Princess Bogan says she’s going to say shit to people’s faces and that she ain’t gunna apologise.

Olivia tells her to not say sorry because she’s not sorry.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
literally wot i just fucking said, Liv

Olivia tells the camera that Dom is not Queen Bee (she is).

Olivia then tells Princess Bogan to “choose her words carefully” before “spitting them at people”.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i am the purple cobra and i will, i will, rock u

Mr Moneybags has now decided to leave the Room of Doom.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
i’m outtie

“I don’t even know why you’d go and see if she’s alright,” Princess Bogan tells… I don’t know who she’s telling but she’s saying it audibly.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
anyone still listening bc i am still speaking

“Because it’s his wife,” says Olivia.

“Because he’s a nice guy,” says Jackson.

“And they’re here for another week together so you may as well go try,” Olivia finishes.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
shall we rewind to the time u asked Holly to try, luv?

Diva is now telling Mr Moneybags that he put all the blame on her on the couch and is pissed off that he would check on her.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
me + everyone else in the room!!

OK back to Princess Bogan. She is telling people that a person who is a bully needs to be called a bully.

“Bullying is a repeated behaviour, Dom, and we’ve seen you repeat this behaviour over and over again,” Liv swipes back.

“So I’m the bully because I spoke up?” asks Princess Bogan. “OK.”

Princess Bogan tells the cameras she will not stand for being called a bully. She says it’s the worst thing someone could say to her. “I’m not here to make friends and I’m not here to make friends with dickheads,” Princess Bogan confirms. Oh it’s on.

TOMORROW NIGHT DOM SMASHES A GLASS. HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT.

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess BoganMAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess BoganMAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan

MAFS Recap: Diva Is Torn A New One By The Couch Of Ouch Panel, Incl. Expert #4 Princess Bogan
I REPEAT: HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT

See you there.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.

Image: Channel Nine