Tonight on MAFS we’re meeting the parents. No one’s name is Gaylord Focker but I still think they’ll get reamed Deniro-style.
Let’s get into it.
Sam and Bebe Al are laughing about who Ben-Hur is and are excited that Alessandra now approves of their relationship.
Cody‘s hair is out of control and he thinks it’s funny that he’s forced Selina to be with him for another week. They’re both feeling optimistic.
The newer couples are moving in together which makes me wonder where they’ve been living until now.
Kate‘s overwhelmed about living with a man for the first time and Matt is waiting for her to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre while he slowly dies over the sink.
He says he sounds like a hyena having sex and I wish there wasn’t an hour left of this show right now.
Mr Moneybags is figuring out where to hang all his hideous Bal-marhn jackets and 16 pairs of shoes. Literally. Diva is unpacking her lingerie which is definitely for Daniel and not for Mr Moneybags.
Jess and Daniel have brought their landscape painting along for the ride after no one bid for that shit on eBay.
Jess wants to chat but Daniel is scared to respond to anything she says. She believes she wasn’t being malicious at the dinner party and that talking to Daniel is like talking to a wall.
He’s asking how they can fix things. He is solutions-focused and if I had a business I would hire him. Jess decides she’s leaving and that it’s never going to work.
Daniel reckons Jess is bailing because she doesn’t want to face her own actions. She thinks she’s been accountable and changes shit that she doesn’t like about herself. She does not know how to communicate so decides to bounce.
Daniel feels like his opportunity to find someone spesh has been robbed even though we know full-well that Diva and her lingerie will make magic happen for him.
Princess Bogan is taking Nice Guy out on a picnic to show him she appreciates him. She has surprised him with their dogs and they’re both crying happy tears. It’s very wholesome and I will admit I’ve missed Finn.
Now they just need one of the dogs to give birth so it meets the farm-labour levels of their honeymoon.
@badgalella asks Baby Seal for a hug only for him to say it won’t fix anything.
LEARN FROM CODY.
@badgalella confirms Baby Seal was “off her” after the commitment ceremony. He is pissed that he looks like the bad guy, which he is. He goes on a rant to the camera.
“I don’t want to necessarily want to tell all the people on that couch about what’s going on. They’re not entitled to that.”
“They don’t know shit, so shut up.”
“I don’t wanna get caught up in all this TV bullshit drama.”
BABY SEAL WOT CONTRACT U SIGN HONEY?
Then he has the audacity to show his true colours to @badgalella.
“I don’t wanna talk to these other 18 dickheads, sitting on the couch, about me.”
“This experiment – it’s brutal, it’s toxic.”
“I don’t wanna embrace [the experiment]. I don’t wanna have to go through that again.”
“I just wanna go home now. I’m over this.”
She’s clearly upset. He says the experiment is toxic and stupid because they can’t go and have lunch and talk about it off camera.
He then pulls up his shirt to reveal his Spanx before declaring he is fucking done.
He is angry because there are cameras filming him as he walks out. Again, what contract do you think you signed seal?
Ella is trying to hold it together. She wants to cry. She’s convinced he’s calling it quits.
@badgalella is now sad because Mitch has left and she is wearing ugly shoes.
Now she thinks she should have said something about not feeling enough before the commitment ceremony even though she did that exact thing at the dinner party.
Baby Seal has reported back for duty. He proposes they give it 48 hours and see how they feel after that.
This is not good. You speak your mind and your partner leaves. How will she ever speak her mind again? Never, that’s how.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling confirms we’re halfway through the experiment and THANK FUCK. Naturally, it’s time to meet the parents.
Princess Bogan’s parents bring up the period sex which I am fucking living for. Princess Bogan doesn’t even look funny stressed – she’s just actually dying even though all of Australia also saw this conversation.
Dad’s proud. We love. Nice Guy’s mum barely got a word in but it was fairly wholesome all-round.
Brent and Ballarat Paris are next to the cinema.
Ballarat Paris is worried she’s come across like a “cold bitch”. Brent’s dad quickly confirm that, telling Ballarat Paris that calling his son a cunt is “not on”.
Brent’s dad asks Ballarat Paris to show restrain and respect. Brent agrees but he’s proud of where they’re at. He says super nice things about her to diffuse the situation. Tamara does the same thing.
I just don’t know with this couple.
Daniel feels like ass and is crying for the eighth time this week. But he wants to say bye to Diva before packing up his protein meals for good.
Diva arrives and they drink his honeymoon wine in the biggest fuck you ever to Jess. They cheers to broken marriages but Diva says that hers still has a chance.
Diva tells Daniel that Mr Moneybags listens to 80s classic old-school but she listens to rap and eDM.
She’s also concerned that Mr Moneybags doesn’t go to the gym, knowing full-well that Daniel is a PT.
She then tells Daniel she wanted a tall guy with nice teeth, even though Mr Moneybags’s teeth are pretty damn perfect. Daniel jumps in to tell Diva his teeth are porcelain and the flirting is through the fucking roof.
It then sounds like she says she wanted someone she could have a bender with but I also can’t confirm.
“Have a wine together?” Daniel chimes in, while drinking a fucking wine with her. Then he clinks her glass to remind her he’s flirting. Go off Danny.
She asks him what he’s trying to do and laughs. AIN’T IT OBVIOUS HONEY? He’s trying to love you!
“This is so bad, oh my god,” she laughs.
This is the energy of 5-am kick-ons around a glass table the sharehouse got from Facebook Marketplace.
Daniel tells the camera there is chemistry before telling Diva he’ll be in Sydney for a bit. She’s trying to be a good girl and not think with her fanny so says she should go. Also the sun is coming up soon.
Daniel leaves and throws his unsold eBay painting in the dumpster alongside his loveless marriage.
@badgalella and Mitch are down to their last 36 hours. I think. He doesn’t think other people’s opinions are valid and all “this shit” is pissing him off. Their objectively hot parents rock up on screen.
@badgalella’s mum brings up the dinner party where Mitch was a profanity demon to her daughter. She says that Ella is also usually confident and that she’s surprised she doesn’t think she’s good enough for Mitch.
Instead of Ella being happy that her parents (and even Baby Seal’s tbh) are sticking up for her, she’s worried about how Baby Seal will respond.
WHAT A FUCKING SHIT SHOW.
Imagine being nervous that your partner is going to get pissed off every time they receive a home truth. Wish I only had to use my imagination.
Baby Seal’s dad even sees through him. He says he has a big heart and doesn’t like to offend people which does not match up with what I’ve seen.
Baby Seal says he respects the opinion of his wife’s parents but not the “other idiots” in the experiment.
@badgalella is happy with the bare minimum of Mitch not swearing during the screening. Now he’s decided he’ll stay until the next dinner party or commitment ceremony which will be the decider for him. Way to keep your wife on edge, mate.
Diva and Mr Moneybags are doing the photo ranking task. He puts Diva right up the front like the good man he is. She doesn’t believe it but will take the compliment. “I think that was BS.” She thinks he’s just trying to play the “good-guy card”.
They fight about it. Just make her put Daniel first already. She keeps making jokes about Mr Moneybags’ height and the fact that he wears ankle-boot heels.
Diva puts Brent first and Daniel second in the most strategic move I ever did see. Mr Moneybags didn’t see Daniel coming second which makes me think he won’t see it any other time he comes too.
Diva puts Moneybags in his Bal-mahrn jacket third-last. She then tells him that if it was based on personality she still wouldn’t put him up the top.
Tomorrow night Daniel and Diva go to the gym and sweat profusely.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.