MAFS fans across the nation are praying for Claire, the poor lass who has unfortunately been paired with noted freak Jesse.
Jesse is a marriage celebrant from Perth who decided to take up the job after attending a “boring” wedding. Call me a traditionalist but, you know, surely it’s better when weddings err on the side of caution?
I’m not talking about beige Pinterest ceremonies, but there just shouldn’t be ludicrously whacky shit which you’d see on Don’t Tell The Bride. Like, you shouldn’t exchange vows in a hot tub or pick a darts theme for the big day (both of which I have witnessed on that demonic show).
Moving on! Jesse has been single for seven years, for reasons which became increasingly clear with every word that left his mouth.
When asked if he had any icks, Jesse whipped out a prepared list which spanned across several pages. The internet found this ironic seeing as the man himself was a walking ick.
And here’s my list for why this dude Jesse is single #mafs #mafsau pic.twitter.com/b9QrI4Ftyp
— hopzilla (@trinnybopper) January 31, 2023
Producer: do you get the ick easily?
Australia: yes *while looking at Jesse #MAFS #mafsau— Amber Erin 🧸 (@ambiibambi24) January 31, 2023
Jesse: “I’ve been single for 7 years”
Jesse’s list of Icks: 18 pages full! #MAFSAU #MAFS pic.twitter.com/exPFbx1KN1
— Jen Arnold (@arnies89) January 31, 2023
Jesse’s list of icks included “star sign chicks”, talking and interrupting, pouting and girls who are “addicted” to their phones and use social media, among literally hundreds of other things.
Twitter basically summed it up in one, which was that the bloke hates any woman who breathes.
So basically, Jesse doesn’t want any girl in Australia.. #mafsau #mafs
— butterfly SZN 💄 (@prettylittty) January 31, 2023
might be less time consuming to ask jesse what he does like in a woman instead of having him read his 32 page essay of dislikes #mafs #mafsau
— luci (@llluci) January 31, 2023
Jesse’s the type of bloke to walk up to a woman in a band t-shirt and ask them to name three songs #MAFSAustralia #MAFSAU
— georg (@georgiawhomst) January 31, 2023
One of the experts, John Aiken, described Jesse as “quirky”, which people thought was … a choice.
Sooooo what exactly is quirky about Jesse?! #MAFS
— DeluxeStormBorn™ (@deluxe_tm) January 31, 2023
Quirky is not how I would describe Jesse#MAFSAU #MAFS
— Ian Brown (@1anBrown) January 31, 2023
It’s always the people with the beigest personalities who think they’re quirky because omg he’s wearing a colourful shirt! And he doesn’t brush his hair! AND IS THAT A FEW STRANDS HANGING LOOSE FROM HIS MANBUN! #MAFSAU #mafs
— Poppy (@Poppy45854074) January 31, 2023
We soon met Claire, an absolutely stunning woman who was LOUD and GREEK and FIERY because the producers of MAFS decided to weigh into that deeply terrible stereotype.
Obviously, none of us want to perpetuate icky ethnic stereotypes. Pushing that aside and considering Claire’s straightforwardness, the internet was kinda praying that she’d crush Jesse like a bug.
Claire is going to put Jesse in his place and it’s going to be firey and I am here for it #MAFS #MAFSAU
— Stacey❤💙🏆 (@_Stacey1987) January 31, 2023
Okay I don’t love the Greek women are loud stereotype we’re going with here but I want Claire to kick the shit out of Jesse #MarriedAtFirstSight #MAFSAU #MAFS #MAFSAustralia
— dr mimi petrakis 🦇 (@MimiPetrakis) January 31, 2023
claire could call jesse on his bullshit i think he needs her #MAFS
— cailin 🥀 (@strrysatellite) January 31, 2023
Folks on Twitter were literally like, “Babe, evacuate the dance floor, get out, run, hide, save yourself”. Mans was BAD.
Claire, all the best babes #mafsau #MAFS pic.twitter.com/YAGeh3s0dO
— Amber Erin 🧸 (@ambiibambi24) January 31, 2023
Claire, I am so sorry girlie #mafs #mafsau
— Shakira Holmes 🍂🧋 (@roseetea) January 31, 2023
Australia to Claire getting ready for her wedding #MAFSAU #MAFS pic.twitter.com/um46LLsSzW
— so tired (Taylor’s Version) (@pjk27779) January 31, 2023
RUN CLAIRE RUNNNN #MAFSAU #MAFS pic.twitter.com/16XtCq9hrT
— Lodz 🦋 (@sumwheresmiling) January 31, 2023
Unfortunately, the good people of Twitter were unable to go back in time and stop the nuptials of Jesse and Claire.
Everything was … fine, I guess? They both realised their jaws click and Jesse kept banging on about how “ungodly hot” Claire was. Obviously, she’s beautiful, but he was talking about her in a really gross, objectifying way and it was vile.
Then poor Claire, who was literally just being her normal, lovely self, revealed herself to be a “star sign chick” and even pulled a crystal out of her bra to show Jesse.
The bloke started being SO. FUCKING. RUDE. The internet (and me, who was on the verge of tears) were not having it.
Ima need someone to get Claire outta there REAL quick #mafs #mafsau pic.twitter.com/R5fsZVQeew
— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) January 31, 2023
Claire is trying so hard and Jesse is giving her nothing #MAFS
— Musichetta 🎃 (@Musichetta1832) January 31, 2023
oh my god dude is gonna start criticising everything claire does i’m gonna cry FOR her #MAFS #MAFSAU
— alysha is playing totk (@venomhaven) January 31, 2023
How is Jesse not seeing that while he might not believe in it, Claire’s gift is really thoughtful and comes from a place of caring?? #MAFS #MAFSAU #MAFSAustralia #MarriedAtFirstSight #MarriedAtFirstSightau
— dr mimi petrakis 🦇 (@MimiPetrakis) January 31, 2023
Jesse would have been better off marrying that rock that Claire just gave him #MAFSAustralia #mafs #mafsau #marriedatfirstsight
— Narin (ಠ_ಠ) (@narin_searle) January 31, 2023
And then as if Jesse couldn’t get worse, he told Claire to “shoosh”.
To shoosh.
Shoosh.
The gall! The nerve! The disrespect! Obviously, the internet was fucking fuming.
Bahahahahahahhaa shussshhhhhhh damn it’s you that needs to shush Jesse…!!!! #MAFSAU
— Nobody Special 🏳️🌈💚❤️ (@yatayee) January 31, 2023
Jesse is really pissing me tf off #MAFSAU
— sam (@astrolougy) January 31, 2023
The audacity Jesse has to shush Claire #mafs #MAFSAU pic.twitter.com/yGIKNrewYD
— Amber Erin 🧸 (@ambiibambi24) January 31, 2023
How dare you, Jesse. You don’t shush people. #mafsau #MAFSAustralia pic.twitter.com/Laq956WZNF
— MK🇺🇦 (@MKMoore625) January 31, 2023
Can we shush Jesse everytime he says the word ick #MAFSAU
— jade (@jadeyk01) January 31, 2023
The irony of Jesse shooshing her within 24 hours of meeting when he LITERALLY has not shut up since his oblong ass face hit the screen. USE UR CRYSTALS AND FREE URSELF CLAIRE #MAFS #MAFSAU
— Lami🦋 (@heungminnie) January 31, 2023
The episode ended with Jesse making Claire cry because the bastard made her feel like there was something wrong with her.
If that angel’s confidence is knocked because of the absolute gronk that is Jesse, I will slash his tyres.
If you want the lowdown on everything else that transpired tonight on MAFS, you can read our stunning recap here.
