Yesterday a barista asked what milk I wanted with my coffee. I told him, “I have a child” even though I do not, in fact, have a child. MAFS has ruined me.
Do you know the feeling when you binge shows like The Hills or Keeping Up With The Kardashians and start talking like the people you’ve been watching for hours? This is my life right now. I sound like a very dumb, basic bish, and I hate myself.
@pedestriantv “I HAVE A CHILD.” The latest episode of We’ve Done The MAFS is up on 9Now and Spotify. #mafs #mafsaustralia #marriedatfirstsightaustrailia #ptv #marriedatfirstsight #wevedonethemafs #alyssabarmonde #bronte #cam
It’s not cute. I’ve dedicated the last two months of my life to MAFS recaps and unfortunately, my vocabulary is shot to hell. Keep reading to see the people responsible for my damaged articulation — a skill I’ve worked for years to perfect.
8. “Genuinely”
I have genuinely never heard the word genuinely as much as I have watching MAFS groom Harrison Boon talk.
Remember when Lyndall Grace accused Harrison of speaking badly about his MAFS wife Bronte Schofield at one of this binfire show’s Commitment Ceremonies?
Let me refresh your memory of the MAFS episode:
- He “genuinely” didn’t recall saying it.
- He “genuinely” couldn’t remember saying it.
- If he did remember saying it, though, he “genuinely” would’ve taken accountability for it.
It genuinely did my head in, as well as MAFS expert Mel Schilling‘s who “genuinely” didn’t believe him. We love a sassy queen. Can someone tell this bloke that saying “genuine” won’t make you genuine?
7. “The ocean”
I don’t know if you guys know this, but “the ocean” is calling Dan. He has a love of “the ocean” and really enjoys being out by “the ocean”.
IT IS THE BEACH. YOU ENJOY THE BEACH.
6. “Intimate”
I’m pretty sure all of the MAFS couples had sex this season except for Caitlin McConville and Shannon Adams (thank god) and Jesse Burford and Claire Nomarhas. Don’t quote me on that.
I know this because of the amount of times I heard “we were intimate”. It shat me up the wall almost as much as when they said “we shared a kiss” instead of just… “we kissed”. The sharing part is inferred with the “we” but that’s an English lesson for another day.
Anyway. Stop using “intimate” instead of “sex”. “Intimate” is an umbrella term. Be specific. I want to know what base like the resident horn dog that I am.
5. “Gaslighting”
You know words that are so overused they lose meaning? For me, that’s the G word.
Also “fuckboy”.
And “toxic”.
Anyway, Bronte and Harrison played table tennis with the word throughout the season. It was tiring. And look, it was actually horrible when Claire and Adam Seed gaslit Jesse. I’ll allow the use of the word there but not the actions involved.
Can people just be, you know, better? Then we wouldn’t have to use the word at all.
4. “Remote work”
We get it, Cam Woods. You work remotely. In fact, you said it so many times that you have ruined COVID-19’s greatest benefit to daily grinders. Other things you’ve said that irked me include: “out bush” and “drugs not hugs”. OK you didn’t say the last one but I wouldn’t put it past you.
So yeah, hearing “remote work” makes me dumber simply because of how I’d defined it before this show VS now. Thanks for the head fuck, son.
3. “I’m done”
Audrina Patridge walked so Bronte could run. The only other time I’ve heard the phrase “I’m done” used so much (and without meaning, mind you) is when Audrina constantly lied about pulling the plug on Justin Bobby.
Sure, taking a stand and leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve you is commendable. But how are we meant to believe the girl who cried done when they return after making such a huge declaration to your family, friends and… therapists?
It’s exactly what Bronte did. Approximately 127 times. So forgive me if I don’t ever want to hear “I’m done” again.
2. “Literally”
I’ll keep this one short and sweet because I too am a culprit, but literally every sentence in literally every episode and literally every relationship was packed to the rafters with literally so many literallys.
The biggest offender? Bronte.
This comes in at number two (hehe) because it is a filler word that makes us all sound dumber just by using it.
1. “I have a child”
At first, Alyssa’s proclivity to tell our land that’s girt by sea about her procreation ability was downright annoying. But it grew on me after a while, somewhere between the Titanic meme and Duncan James dumping her ass.
This has made me dumber because I now say it in casual conversation even though I don’t have any children. Therefore I wouldn’t understand — something Alyssa also reminded me of on a weekly basis.
So considering there is nothing dumber than lying about having children, I’ll give this one the prize. Also: iconic.
Anyway, I work remotely so I’m going to either a) take a dip in the ocean or b) find someone to be intimate with so I can have a child rather than genuinely gaslight you lot. I’m literally done.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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