After the chaos that was Connie writing Stay on MAFS this week, I really didn’t think the drama could escalate *that* much further tonight, even though I knew we had Hurricane Hayley rocking up to sass Stacey into oblivion.
But drama we did get! And will continue to get tomorrow night, if the trailer for Monday’s ep is anything to go by. Let’s recap, shall we?
Everyone’s waking up after the commitment ceremony in their tiny, claustrophobic serviced apartments. Lizzie says she doesn’t want to not wake up next to Seb, but like sorry Lizzie – what if it was a Would You Rather? Like “would you rather wake up to Seb everyday but it had to be in this shoebox hellhole room, or not wake up next to him but you got to sleep LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE?”
KC and Drew are also living it up in their Fantasy Love Serviced Apartment. Stacey and Michael have some fake trust issues going on. Then we head to the couple we’re most interested in right now – Connie and Jonethen. Connie’s taking her makeup off and telling us how she was going to write leave to save face, since she knew Jonnie would, but then she swallowed her pride and wrote stay.
I feel like it stops being about pride and starts being about common sense when the other party is quite clear they’re not interested, but go off Connie.
She praises Jonnie for being understanding, although I don’t really feel he WAS understanding and was more like – this is fucking chaos but I can’t be a dick about it otherwise the entirety of Australia will hate me. He’s casually reading a book he absolutely just picked up for the shot:
He tells the cameras, in wild areas, that Connie’s decision “made him rethink everything” and he’s all I dunno I dunno – WHAT? Ok Jonnie if you actually start sending mixed messages, you’re dead to me.
Over with Mishel and Steve, old mate is still Captain Fuckboy of the Fuckboy Brigadiers, telling Mishel his attraction towards her “is growing” but “isn’t strong enough yet”. COME THE FUCK AGAIN? You’ve either got the spark or you don’t by now mate. Stop leading this poor woman on.
They have this confusing argument about implementing steps the experts have suggested, and intimate hugs Mishel wants… I don’t know, man. Now it just seems like Steve is the mixed messages guy, not Jonnie. Dark Horse of the mixed messages, you know?
Mishel calls Stacey to ask her opinion. Why you’d want the opinion of someone who just blindly ignored the very obvious signs her partner cheated on her, god knows – but here we are. Stacey tells Mishel she definitely thinks the experts were right, Steve is just her mate and nothing more will happen for them.
She’s so annoyed at Steve she organises a lunch date with him to throw a drink in his face. Jokes, she just dresses all like Elle Woods-lawyery to go give him some COURTROOM TRUTHS.
Legally Stacey grills Steve about his intentions, whether he’s going to commit to Mishel at the final ceremony or not. He continues to be vague and fuckboy-esque.
Connie in much wiser areas goes to chat with Lizzie about her decision to stay even though Jonnie has all but thrown her belongings off the balcony. Sorry, I mean gone to chat to the local chauffeur.
I actually fucking love Lizzie. Yes yes, I keep saying I’m bored of watching her and Seb but that’s just because they’re SO HAPPY guys! The best MAFS is the unhinged shit, we all know it. But Lizzie herself is a stone cold ledge – she’s so empathetic to Connie, who feels like everyone thinks she’s an idiot (we do, but a loveable sweet baby angel one), and tells her to stuff what everyone thinks and own her decision. WHAT A GOOD MATE. Seriously, can I have a Lizzie?
It seems Legally Stacey has actually had an impact on Steve, because he sits Mishel down and says he will finally – FINALLY – share a bed with her. Mishel is like fuck yeah, this is my ticket to BoneTown baby!
Except of course, sleeping in the same bed does absolutely nothing for their sexual chemistry. The spiciest thing that goes down is that Steve steals Mishel’s blanket. LOOK OUT! THIS SEX IS ON FIRE!
Next, the girls and guys separate. *rubs hands with glee* this is the shit we’ve been waiting for, you guys! Because yep – unbeknownst to our remaining wannabe influencers, the old crew are returning to shake shit up.
The spiciest returns? Hayley, Vanessa and Chris – the folks in the know about what exactly went down with the whole Michael cheating scandal. Vanessa tells us she has a video (!!!) that proves he made out with Hayley.
First, we visit DA BOIZZZZZ who are having BOIZZZZ BEVS YIEWWW. It really is that energy, I’m not being dramatic. The first has-been to walk in is Mikey, super stoked with his brief return to stardom. He’s also keen to ~stir the pot~, immediately asking Michael what happened with the Hayley thing. Michael’s loving this sick, naturally.
Michael gives his standard spiel about that night – he doesn’t remember shit, he was super wasted, he made it up to Stacey. Honestly, at this point even I am feeling Michael when he’s all “why the fuck are we still banging on about this”. Before they even get deep on it though, Chris rocks up and Michael looks even more like he wants to vomit a kidney onto the table.
Before we see that shitshow go down, we head over with the gals – Amanda has rocked up. Why??? What role did Amanda play in anything?? She wasn’t even friends with anyone really??
Then Poppy shows up??? I can’t even remember her? For fuck’s sake, give us the good people producers. Back to the boys, and Chris has started up with the “ohoho, I know what happened that night” chat. Michael’s looking at him like:
Seriously, look:
Also I’m really sorry but what absolute MADMAN did this to Chris’ hair?
Anyway, Chris tells Michael that Vanessa has this video, and Michael looks like he’s suddenly realised Santa isn’t real.
Over to the girls, and Vanessa rocks up. She says she needs to build up to confronting Stacey about That Night. Stacey can see where this supposedly chill-fun-casj girls night is going.
Naturally, Hayley then shows up. FUCK I LOVE THIS GUYS.
Stacey is so off it she possibly does a small vomit in her mouth.
For absolutely no necessary reason, Lizzie starts telling Hayley that Stacey is her Best Friend Forever, and she’s very protective of Stacey. Hayley’s like cool story?
Lizzie then point blank asks Hayley if she hooked up with Michael, and she’s like yes for the 5 billionth time, I did. Connie then jumps in, asking Vanessa for her side of the story – her time to shine, baby! Vanessa looks deeply uncomfortable having to talk about it all. NOT.
She says not only did Michael hook up with Hayley, but he was trying to make out with her as well. She says Michael was so tanked he would have hooked up with anyone. Then Lizzie asks about the video. Awkward – there isn’t one. Stacey LOVES this.
Vanessa looks very sheepish as she tells us she made it up to make Michael confess. Lol as if that was going to work.
In the end Hayley’s like – who the fuck cares about the video, it bloody happened. She’s super sassy tonight and I have to say, I kind of missed her chaotic energy. When she calls Michael a “ratty salesman” hahaaaaaaaa livinggggg for this!
Poppy says what we’re all thinking – why would Hayley make it all up since she looks like the fucking asshole in this situation (as well as Michael, obviously). Stacey says there are ulterior motives. Hayley says Stacey’s put too much emphasis on the video as “circumstantial evidence”. Of course this is Stacey’s cue to immediately be like I’m A LaWyEr.
Hayley, with the line of the fucking season, replies “where did you get your law degree, out of a cereal box?”
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Things get so heated between them that Stacey crosses a MAJOR line, calling Hayley a bulldog. Everyone’s shocked. There’s no skin off Hayley’s nose though, she keeps poking the bear about the lawyer thing, asking if Stacey practices. In the end, Stacey tells her she should fuck off, and that everyone would be happier for it. Hayley? Another classic line with “I object”.
Then, the twist of the century – that is, if you haven’t been reading copious amounts of MAFS gossip all season like I have. Vanessa tells the producers that Stacey looks like a fool defending her husband when it’s quite obvious he’s cheated on her, but she obviously has a reason to. When asked what they is, she says “she’s probably hooked up with someone else, too.”
HOT DAMN! I won’t tell you about the media goss because if you HAVEN’T followed the rumours, this is probably Spice Central for you right now and I don’t wanna ruin it. But a quick google will dredge some dirt up.
Until tomorrow, folks!
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
