It was a big day for the Culkin family today, with actually talented lad Kieran Culkin rubbing shoulders with Hollywood luminaries at the Golden Globes, thanks to his own nomination, and elder brother Macaulay Culkin getting his heat back by hanging immense shit on his sibling from the comfort of his own couch.
Kieran, you see, attended the Golden Globes dressed to the nines to hear his nomination read out in the category of Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film for his work in the extremely Murdoch-ish HBO miniseries Succession.
See? Slick as hell, tbh.
Macaulay, on the other hand, has only recently watched the ink dry on his probably very official name change to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin and was searching for a new project to occupy his time.
And because we live in the age where sibling rivalries have access to social media, we now have this glorious nonsense.
Rather than show any sign of outward support, Macaulay used his Twittering time this afternoon to grind seven shades of shit into his beloved lil bro, leaping all over him from virtually the start of the broadcast right until its last moments.
Brothers, sisters, family among you, take note: This is a masterclass in how to use a simple smartphone to tear loving strips off of your own flesh and blood.
First, you establish the scene.
Getting ready to watch some Globes in a few hours. Globes of the Golden variety. #GoldenGlobes2019— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 6, 2019
Then, when the familiar face shows itself, you feign surprise. What’s that? My god! You had no idea they were going to or doing this thing they simply have not shut up about for the past few weeks.
Oh shit! My brother is at the Golden Globes?! That is so cool! #GoldenGlobes— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 6, 2019
After that, you butter them up with a little genuine love.
Not too much, but. Gotta reel it back in at some point.
Oh my god, there he is! Hi, bro! pic.twitter.com/1Y3iG18bIz— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 7, 2019
Finally, when you’re absolutely certain they cannot retort, you go for the throat.
Whoa! Kieran has such good seats! Dude, ask Gaga why she isn't following me on Twitter! #GoldenGlobes— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 7, 2019
HOLY SHIT KIERAN IS NOMINATED???— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 7, 2019
WHAT IS SUCCESSION?!
Man, I should really answer his calls more often. Thanksgiving is going to be really awkward this year. #GoldenGlobes
This show is rigged!!! I was totally pulling for Winkler. #GoldenGlobes— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 7, 2019
(No one tell Keiran he didn't win)
And before they even realise just what in the hell has happened, you slink off into the shadows. You are dust. Gone.
Fuck it, Alvin and the Chipmunks is on Nickelodeon right now. I'm gonna watch that. #goldenglobes l— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) January 7, 2019
They should teach this in schools. Magnifique *kissy fingos*.