Oh god guys, I actually get so bored of Love Island in the finals week – there’s always the dreg couples that are hundo never going to win this thing that need to slowly peel off before the final, you know?
[jwplayer 2TT8ymo7]
Don’t get me wrong, this show is LIFE – just the final week involves everyone desperately trying to convince us their love is real, and it gets fucking annoying. Very vibes of when your best mate gets a questionable new partner and tells you every goddamn “nice” thing they do to cover for how often they don’t text back/flirt with other people.
Jessie and Todd are really going for it with this shit, probably because they’re hyper-aware Australia didn’t give enough of a shit about them to vote for them, thus landing ’em in the bottom two.
They sit around going on about how good they are together, than Aaron/Cynthia sit around going on about growing feelings, then Josh and Anna basically pretzel their limbs together to indicate how much oneness they have…
Cartier and Matt really ram it home by sitting underneath the heart door. Just sitting on those cold tiles getting haemorrhoids to use that heart knob in a shot.
Lots of showpony pashing through the night, then in the morning the boys decide to cook a BBQ brekkie for the girls. This involves Matt, in the most chaotic energy you can imagine, pouring eggs onto the GRILL PART not the hot plate.
They serve it up and everyone digs in.
Then the guys read out poems they wrote for the girls, and of course they’re all terrible – Matt’s literally has the line “our relationship is just like cement”.
Then the islanders get a text – time for Dunk In Love, the game where they get dropped in water if they don’t know info about their partner. Everyone peels off to quiz each other pre-game. Matt asks Cartier what she calls her vag and says “is it the Holy Grail”, then he says his is “Dwayne The Rock Johnson”. Cartier in INCREDIBLE SCENES just replies “hm”. lololol.
Jessie tells Todd she once ate a kebab during sex, can I marry this woman? Actually, can I just be an additional third partner in this relationship bc WHAT IS THIS ENERGY TODD IS RIDING:
IMMEDIATELY when the game begins we have some gold. Josh is asked what Anna’s fave fruit is, they both write pomegranate but…
Christ alive.
Then it’s Cynthia and Aaron’s turn – his favourite movie? SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON.
Anyway other tidbits – Cartier’s siblings are Justice (ok), Raven (….) and BLADE (!!!!).
After the game Josh gets real deep and tells the guys he’s going to ask Anna to be his girlfriend. YESSS FINALLY SOME BULLSHIT GOING ON!
He recruits all the guys to rip flowers out of the beautiful Fijian rainforest to… scatter somewhere.
Then, after much intense heavy breathing and panic attacks…
He leads Anna down a path strewn with rare flora…
Then comes the eternally terrible/amazing speech. I’ve loved sharing a bed with you / you honestly make me so happy & nervous / I’ve had one of the best times of my life here / i feel like we are the lucky ones blah blah.
Everyone who was weirdly rambo-crawling around the garden to be nosey parkers pops out to congratulate the new couple.
Then the expected text comes through – there’s a final elimination tonight ahead of the grand final. Everyone takes the news the way you’d take it if your partner was about to be shipped off to war.
Again, everyone peels off to say words to each other that they’re really directing at us voters. Josh and Anna say they “want more time to make more memories in here” – ridiculous. Matt, who I am fast becoming primo levels of suss on, says “we’re different today compared to yesterday”, very much slamming across voter’s heads that they need to keep them in the villa to see their relationship develop.
Sophie comes in looking like the fucking BABE ALERT 2000 she is in a dress I need desperately – someone reading this tell me where it’s from!!! It’s perfect for my Miami-themed Christmas party!
As we all expected, Jessie and who-the-fuck-is-that get sent home. Our top three are Cartier/Matt, Cynthia/Aaron and Anna/Josh.
Just back to the dress one last time WHAT THE FUCK SOPHIE, GIVE IT TO ME OFF YOUR BODY NOW.
